INT. GREEK DISCO- MAMMA MIA

HENRY CAVILL is wearing a stupid haircut that looks like he is cosplaying as a porcupine from the 90s. DUA LIPA seductively asks him to dance. They start dancing, but HENRY picks up DUA and uses her lady parts like a periscope caught in a twister.

DUA LIPA

What a normal and non-creepy way to dance with a stranger. I hope that scene doesn't make a callback.

(pulls out her gun)

I know you are a spy, Henry Cavill, and everyone in this club will open fire on you… or wait for you to retaliate.

HENRY CAVILL

My master hacker will now fill the room with white gas so I can walk out of here completely unshot.

(thinks)

White gas is also a great description of my career thus far.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Yay, I am a vital part of Henry's mission.

(gets shot dead)

HENRY CAVILL

Don't worry. Everyone gets recurring callbacks whether they need to be in the story or not.

DUA LIPA

You cannot catch me on this motorbike.

HENRY CAVILL

Right, because every actor wastes time with chit-chat during times of urgency.

(has five minute phone call)

HENRY CAVILL chases DUA LIPA by taking a jeep on a TONY HAWK grinding mission off the rooftops.

HENRY CAVILL

If you think this is far-fetched, you should see the giant plot holes we can ram Mac trucks through.

JOHN CENA is looking slightly more feminine than his role in BARBIE as a pink merman. He grabs DUA LIPA off her bike.

DUA LIPA

How did you get roped into this dumb movie?

JOHN CENA

I have spent over fifteen years pretending to hit guys while only wearing underwear in the WWE. I was a shoe-in for this whacky crackpot.

DUA LIPA

Alright, let's get this plot started. Henry, you are just a figment of Bryce Dallas Howard's imagination. This is a book series she is writing. One of many zany plot shards that make up this insane kaleidoscope of a movie.

(Dua Lipa drinks poison)

INT. BOOK STORE SIGNING

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD just finished a reading from her book: Argylle. EVERYONE loves it.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

I am just your average mousey writer who uses her writing outlet to fantasize about a life she will never have. Sort of like that Sandra Bullock movie that we ripped off...what was it called? Jungle Book? Jungle Cruise? Jungle to Jungle? Jumanji? Channing Tatum Adventures?

TOMAS PAREDES

Every nugget of fiction from your book series has predicted political assassinations, espionage acts, and secret covert missions. Some of them haven't even happened yet.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Let me just hand wave all that plot hole ridden exposition with a simple...I like to study for all my books and I get such a wealth of information from Wikipedia and US.Gov. Every writer researches. J.K. Rowling interviewed forest faeries and memorized Merlin's journal before writing Harry Potter, Tom Clancy hacked the Pentagon before writing Sum of all Fears, and Steven King discovered real aliens and dressed them up as clowns before tackling It. That is the only way fiction writers can create.

EVERYONE is satisfied with that answer.

INT. BRYCE'S ROM-COM HOUSE- MINUS THE COM AND ROM

BRYCE shows undying love and affection to her cat because she is a lonely loner who lives alone. She tries to write the next book of Argylle.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

I am trying to finish the part of the book where Henry Cavill discovers his spy operation is a secret terrorist unit and his only way to take them down is to apprehend a magical file, but I can't think of a way to end it.

HENRY CAVILL

Stop fantasizing. I don't want to be in this movie. Marvel is going to call me any minute now so I can be a 15-second Wolverine teaser.

(sits by phone)

CATHERINE O’HARA

I read the manuscript, honey. It is full of unrealistic twists, bad character motivations, poor story pacing, and weird ideas that ruin the tone...oh wait...sorry...I was reading the script to this movie. Your latest book is awesome. I like how you came up with a fresh and original idea about a spy's own company going rogue and turning against them. We haven't seen anything like that since 007, Man From Uncle, My Spy, Mission Impossible, Chuck, Bourne Identity, Anna, Red Sparrow, Red, John Wick, Spy Kids 4, Alex Ryder, Die Hard 2, Broken Arrow...

(continues naming movies for 3 hours)

So you are definitely treading new ground.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Thanks mom. I think the most unrealistic part of this movie is that the writer's family actually reads their stuff.

(Bryce looks over at the writer of this script being very passive-aggressive toward his mom)

INT. BULLET TRAIN

BRYCE is sitting in the single, white, cat lady section of the train ready to visit her very blood-related mom. SAM ROCKWELL sits next to her in the homeless man costume kit sold at Spirit Halloween stores.

SAM ROCKWELL

Hey aren't you the chick that writes all those books about spies? You also brought your cat whose confused and tortured expression makes up 70% of the humor in this movie. Guess what? I am a real spy and I am here to save you, but first I need to have a wild fight scene where I become Henry Cavill every other frame.

SAM starts shooting and stabbing BEEFY EXTRAS. DALLAS becomes more nervous, more mousey, and more single as she sees killing.

HENRY CAVILL

Look if you are going to fantasize about me could you at least give me a haircut that doesn't look like Ukrainian Wesley Snipes?

SAM ROCKWELL

(spews plot)

Your book accidentally outed a rogue terrorist organization called The Division. Everything in your latest manuscript, the one only seen by your mother (wink, wink), tells exactly how this organization is running down to the letter. Now they are using their billion-dollar assets to kill you.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Wow. That is the mother of all coincidences. I hope the movie reveals I am a psychic with powers that are tapped into the Pentagon because any other way to explain this awful setup would be cumbersome and clumsy at best.

SAM ROCKWELL

Oh Bryce, you are in for a loooooooooooong movie. Any who, now The Division is searching for me, a former company man who needs a magical file to out the crimes of their evil leader, the dad from Malcolm in the Middle.

INT. THE GQ TERRORIST MAN CAVE

BRYAN CRANSTON instantly wishes he was selling meth...not even in a fictional sense. It would be more profitable to sell meth than be in this stinker.

BRYAN CRANSTON

(reflecting on the mistakes that got him here)

We need Bryce to tell us where that file is. Go send a murder squad to safely capture her to death with bullets, while I watch her from the comfort of my chair.

EXT. LONDON PARK

BRYCE and SAM look for clues of the whereabouts of a hacker.

SAM ROCKWELL

Soooo...instead of using billions of dollars worth of intelligence and spycraft, I am going to rely on you accidentally figuring out the whole entire plot because you know how stories progress.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

And we are sure that I am not a psychic witch with a future casting crystal ball? That would be eons better than anything that is going to be revealed later.

SAM ROCKWELL

Sorry Bryce, this script makes Johnny English seem like Memento.

INT. EMPTY APARTMENT

BRYCE and SAM get into another shootout with bullet fodder EXTRAS. BRYCE is so mousey, single, and nervous she holds a grenade to her face like it is a cat toy.

SAM ROCKWELL

They are going to send more murder teams. We need to leave right now.

BRYCE DALLAS COWARD

(starts three-minute conversation about trust)

(2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th kill squad invades)

SAM ROCKWELL

Perfect. Now let's futz around with seven more arguments, imbue your cat with Looney Tunes physics, and hope the audience mistakes this for comedy.

They DON'T.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

BRYCE overhears SAM making a phone call in the bathroom.

SAM ROCKWELL

I finally got Bryce captured. I will now shoot her in the head, cut her up, and scatter her remains all over Europe. I hope she isn't eavesdropping on this conversation or she would be missing all the innocent figurative wording behind everything I am saying.

BRYCE escapes from the hotel. SAM doesn't chase her because he is DUMB.

INT. DIFFERENT HOTEL ROOM

MOM meets up with BRYCE in a hotel room. Suddenly DAD comes in and reveals himself as...BRYAN CRANSTON. Surprise! What a twist!!! Bet you didn't see that coming. You know why you didn't see it coming? This idea is awful. This makes Austin Powers look like the Thomas Crown Affair. CRANSTON waits for the audience to stop yelling at how stupid this is before speaking.

BRIAN CRANSTON

Hi honey. I am definitely your dad. Now please share what happened to you and do not spare any detail about the hacker I am not supposed to know about.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

It was awful, mom and dad. Sam Rockwell thought he could be as charming as Edward Norton, Mark Wahlberg, or Luke Wilson, but he comes off as a saggier Steve Carrell.

SAM ROCKWELL, possessing the same psychic powers as BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, finds her hotel room and aims a gun at her parents.

BRYAN CRANSTON

Ah meth balls! You found me. I am really the leader of The Division who needs your fiction skills to tell me where a magical file is. Wow, that sounds so stupid saying it out loud.

CATHERINE O’HARA

Twist!!!! I am an evil spy with a British accent! Let me explain...

BRYAN CRANSTON

Wait for the audience to stop cussing and throwing bottles at the screen before you reveal more plot.

SAM knocks down the two people trying to kill them and does NOTHING to ensure they will stay down. This movie could have been over!!! BRYCE and SAM escape and the audience wishes they could too.

EXT. SERENGETI OF FRANCE

For reasons that make no sense (huge surprise), BRYCE is drugged and brought to...SAMUEL L JACKSON. He appears as the EX-CIA DIRECTOR.

SAMUEL L JACKSON

Welcome Bryce! I am here to reveal plot twist #17. Are you ready for it? You are actually a super spy with amnesia. You were supposed to be the one who received the magical file, but you got knocked out. Bryan Cranston and Catherine O’Hara went into your hospital and hypnotized you into believing you are a fiction writer with them as your parents. Oh sure, they could have literally sold you any other story to get the info out of you. They could have been honest about your real life and gotten faster results, but instead, they made you think you were an ice skating spy novel writer, hoping you would spend the next five books you publish telling them where the magical file is. Wow, even using my SHIELD director voice didn't make it sound any better.

(sits down and watches Lakers game)

Good luck with this dumpster fire. That concludes my whole purpose in this movie.

BRYCE DALLAS SHOWERED

Gosh, I keep forgetting to tell everyone I woke up from a coma five years ago. You think that would hold a more prominent role in my backstory.

SAM ROCKWELL

Now I am going to punch you to make you realize how BA your spy skills are. Also, it is strange none of the gun battles jogged your memory, but this one punch to the face transforms you into Jason Bourne.

BRYCE DALLAS EMPOWERED knocks down SAM ROCKWELL, disarms a bomb, unloads a pistol, solves a Sudoku, and beds three supermodels (spy stuff).

INT. ARABIAN MISSION HOUSE

BRYCE and SAM are getting the magical file from SOFIA BOUTELLA, another SPEED BUMP the MOVIE doesn't care to explain very well. THE MIDDLE EASTERN GUARDS scold BRYCE for almost kissing SAM but say nothing about her golden dress packed with EXPLODING CLEAVAGE, which probably violates 4 out of 5 SACRED PILLARS. Did you miss the plot twists? Here is a fresh batch of callbacks, flashbacks, and plot exposition.

BRYCE DALLAS FLOWERED

(plot twist #18)

Sam and I were very romantically entwined before this. He missed me so much that he waited five years after my coma to get me.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

I will give you the magical file, but I don't believe you really lived your life as a spy. Remember, I was in Rebel Moon. I know fake acting.

BRYCE DALLAS TOWARD

How about I sound confident and use PG-13 swears.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Sweet Mohammad! Only a spy would do that!!

(hands Bryce the magical file)

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

(looks at the evidence on the file)

Huh, I am not as innocent as I thought. I was the one who was going to sell back the magical file to Bryan instead of letting Sam have it. Also John Cena is secretly how I view Sam Rockwell, meaning that he was in my memory this whole time. In fact, every fracking character in this movie is somehow related to me in a twist. I think my cat is my cousin, the hot dog vendor I met today is my brother, and the guy who collected my trash is from my first marriage. Samuel L. Jackson is my 3rd grade Catholic school principal.

(plays 6 Degrees of Dallas Howard)

INT. EVIL CRANSTON BASE

BRYCE pretends to be a rogue agent and shoots SAM. SAM doesn't die because there are places you can shoot the heart that have zero consequence or pain. SAM and BRYCE then perform a disco themed shootout dance number in an endless pit of henchmen involving exploding bath bombs, OBGYN swing dancing, and the same licensed music from the beginning of the movie. The licensed music is later revealed to be BRYCE'S boyfriend from high school.

BRYCE DALLAS HOW WEIRD

Nothing makes sense anymore!!! I should have taken the job narrating the Curious George cartoon like my dad did.

SAM ROCKWELL

How about an ice skating scene where you shank three hundred armed baddies while doing slow-motion triple axles?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Now I am convinced there was meth embedded in this movie. It can't get any weirder.

BRYCE and SAM have to upload the magical file to SAMUEL L JACKSON.

BRYAN CRANSTON

I actually left my office to catch you off guard! That is my genius plan. Before I blow away you and discount Luke Wilson, I am going to have a long monologue and you will wait patiently as I cackle wickedly.

BRYCE'S cat jumps out and slashes up CRANSTON'S eyes.

BRYCE DALLAS POWDER

WTF!!! Am I having a STROKE??!!! Even my fever dreams don't get this nonsensical. Why do I smell burnt toast? Call an ambulance.

SAM ROCKWELL

Last dumb scene, I promise. We need to fight each other while your fake mom tries to hypnotize you with a lullaby song from a windup ice skating music box, but when I tell you to crush my face with your boot you realize you really love me.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

There are no words...

ARIANA DEBOSE

By the way...I came back to life because of the magic of callbacks. I am probably your long-lost sister.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

(starts hopping around on a pogostick and yelling at pigeons, while throwing feces)

INT. BOOK STORE

BRYCE finishes her fifth book and her book audience is thrilled that it has a happy ending. The audience of this movie is wondering what lawyer to call for being exposed to psychedelic drugs.

BRYCE DALLAS FORWARD

And they all lived happily ever after. That last chapter I wrote was 1000 pages, but it really brings the book together.

HENRY CAVILL

A-ha! I am here in the real world and my hair looks like fried spaghetti in the rain. Seriously, is this movie funded by the WB? Why am I getting so punished?

There is also another STINGER at the end where a DOOFY MALE says his name is ARGYLLE, but at this point, we can safely say that this movie is not going to have a sequel. Unless...

BRYAN CRANSTON

Look at what I put in the audience's popcorn. Hahahahhahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. See you in two years!

THE END