FADE IN:

INT. UNNAMED SHITHOLE AMERICAN CITY (SO...DETROIT? LET’S SAY DETROIT. DEFINITELY DETROIT) - THE NEAR FUTURE

TOM HARDY is a stay-at-home mechanic.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Haha, no, I’m somehow not Tom Hardy despite us both looking exactly like Tom Hardy. You can easily tell us apart because I don’t talk in indecipherable grumble speak. This will be the only instance of an actor in this movie looking suspiciously like a Dollar Store knockoff of a far more famous actor. Promise.

A self-driving solar car that looks like a sponge made of LEGOs arrives and out steps LOGAN’s wife MELANIE VALLEJO.

They are deeply, madly in LOVE.

MELANIE VALLEJO

Fuuuck that means I’m a dead woman.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

What? No! Of course not honey! Hot, cool, funny women who love their men have a long history of surviving action flicks!

MELANIE VALLEJO

Name three.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Well, there’s... uh... um-- heeeey did I mention that in this future nearly everyone has some kind of bio-implant? Except for me of course because I’m a computer racist.

MELANIE VALLEJO

But I work for a huge computer company that pays for this house and allows you to sit on your ass all day when you’re not fixing old cars for rich assholes.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Speaking of rich assholes would you like to meet my latest client Not Elon Musk at his secret man cave out in the middle of nowhere where one might be easily killed?

MELANIE VALLEJO

Would I!

A TARGET appears on MELANIE’S BACK.

INT. HARRISON GILBERTSON’S TECH LAB

LOGAN and MELANIE arrive.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Look honey! It’s tech genius Jared Leto!

HARRISON GILBERTSON

Huh? Oh-- no-- just another case of actor look-a-like syndrome. Greetings Logan and Melanie, I am an aloof cyber whiz who’s mildly autistic, so of course I must be a secret villain.

MELANIE VALLEJO

I’m a big fan of yours Mr. Gilbertson! I even work for a rival computer company that hopes to crush you in the “turn wounded veterans into RoboCop” market some day!

HARRISON GILBERTSON

A rival you say? Well that sounds like the perfect excuse to show you my new super top secret tech innovation. It’s a tiny microchip I call STEM that can give a quadriplegic control of his body again. If only I had a newly paralyzed Tom Hardy-esque guy to test it on.

(holds pinky to corner of mouth)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Yeah too bad. Now if you’ll excuse me Melanie and I need to go bone in her weird honeycomb car. Laters!

MELANIE VALLEJO

(Bullseye appears on forehead)

Oh that’s just a birthmark!

EXT. THE TOXIC WASTE PART OF TOWN

LOGAN and MELANIE’s self driving car malfunctions and crashes itself because self driving cars are DEATH TRAPS.

FOUR THUGS appear led by a very young looking JACKIE EARLE HALEY.

BENEDICT HARDIE

Huh?! That’s not me! He’s old enough to be my dad! Hey Logan, that’s a nice alive wife you have there. Would be a shame if something were to happen to her.

MELANIE VALLEJO

That’s what you think! It’s Morphin’ Time!

(transforms into a Power Ranger!)

BENEDICT HARDIE

Bitch please I have a shotgun in my arm.

MELANIE VALLEJO

(is Death Wish'd!)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!??!?

(is paralyzed!)

INT. POLICE STATION - 3 MONTHS LATER

LOGAN uses his new WHEELCHAIR POWERS to go see Blumhouse mainstay detective BETTY GABRIEL.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Have you found the guys who murdered my wife and severed my spinal column?

BETTY GABRIEL

Oh no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

(infinity)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

That’s bullshit! This is the future! Police drones saw the whole thing and Benedict even took his mask off!

BETTY GABRIEL

Benedict and his goons are heavily augmented with tech that allows them to hide from our drones. If only Melanie had gotten her chest blown open at Coachella. Logan, please don’t go home and try to commit suicide.

LOGAN goes home and tries to commit suicide but his COMPUTER narcs on him and he is SAVED.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Fucking computers! I hate you! I hate you aaaaaaalll!!!!!

HARRISON GILBERTSON

Hey Logan. Remember that paraplegic-curing STEM computer chip I mentioned earlier? I would like to test it out on you.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Nevah!

(pause)

Okay sure.

INT. LOGAN’S HOUSE

LOGAN gets the operation and now he can WALK and use his HANDS again.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Great! Now I just need some lube and access to Porn Hub and I can finally get some relief!

STEM

I would advise against that Logan.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Hmm, my penis has never talked to me before.

STEM

No Logan, it’s me, STEM, the computer chip that controls your body by interpreting your brain signals.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Oh. So you’re like JARVIS?

STEM

No. He’s British. I’m Australian.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

So you like Marmite instead of tea. Big difference. Do you mind giving me some privacy while I spank my monkey?

STEM

But Logan, I’ve noticed a detail in the drone footage of your wife’s death. One of your attackers has a tattoo that tells his name, address, height, weight, blood type and favorite seafood restaurant.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

I won’t question how awfully convenient that is.

INT. THE SCENE FROM ALL THE TRAILERS

LOGAN encounters one of the ENHANCED KILLERS and promptly gets his ass handed to him.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

STEM! Help!

STEM

I cannot engage slapstick Jackie Chan violence mode without your permission.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Permission granted!

ENHANCED KILLER

(hit with all the dishes)

(hit with frozen peas)

(slapped with cookie sheet)

(jammed in eye with egg timer)

(hit with bag of kitty litter along with kitty)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Oh no he’s got a knife! STEM, I need you to safely disarm this guy so we can interrogate--

ENHANCED KILLER

(has jaw cut right the fuck open)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

--or brutally murder the shit out of him in a gory Saw-like fashion. That works too, I guess.

STEM

I’ve searched his messages and discovered he attends a bar that’s not even listed on Yelp so it must be a real shithole.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Hey I know that bar! Let’s go there!

INT. BAR

LOGAN wheelchairs himself in pretending to still be disabled.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Listen up! I’m looking for one of the guys who killed my wife!

CHRISTOPHER KIRBY

You found him. What’re you gonna do about it My Left Foot?

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

I’m going to call the police on my... Earbud phone? Jesus, how do people check Twitter on the toilet with this thing?

CHRISTOPHER KIRBY

Let’s find out in the bathroom.

They go in the men’s room where an anthropomorphic machine gun has peed shell casings all over the goddamn place.

CHRISTOPHER KIRBY

Hey you’re right, I can’t tweet shit on this earbud phone. Now I’ll throw Logan on the ground and lightly stab him a couple of times because I clearly despise the disabled.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

STEM, please engage “stomp a motherfucker’s ass” mode.

STEM

But first I will levitate your body to its feet. Because that’s something the human body can do.

CHRISTOPHER KIRBY

What are you?

STEM

We are STEM.

CHRISTOPHER KIRBY

So are you like some kind of symbiote?

STEM

We don’t want to get sued by Sony, so no?

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Alright STEM, we need to torture this guy for information but THIS TIME you need to keep him alive so that we can--

CHRISTOPHER KIRBY

(has Hellraiser Pinhead grid cut into face)

(dies)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

GODDAMNIT STEM!! You are way too comfortable with killing and torturing people! It’s almost as if you are the real villain here! Hey, that actually makes a bit of sense when you think about--

STEM

(jingles keys in front of Logan’s face)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Already forgotten.

STEM

Uh-oh, Harrison is trying to shut me down remotely. We need to go see a genderless hacker who can jailbreak my system.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Cool, let me just lock up my wheelchair. No one will be able to steal it so long as they don’t have the strength to lift a wheelchair and walk at the same time.

LOGAN runs off while BENEDICT shows up at the bar.

BENEDICT HARDIE

Who did this to Christopher? If only he had some kind of ocular implant that would allow me to access everything he’s seen and heard, but surely a smart criminal and murderer such as him would never be stupid enough to get such an incriminating implant.

BENEDICT downloads CHRISTOPHER’S MEMORIES through his incriminating WEBCAM IMPLANT.

BENEDICT HARDIE

Hey barkeep, how could you let this happen to one of my guys? Now I must demonstrate how deadly I am by sneezing nano-knives into you.

THIS HAPPENS.

How the knives know where to go or what to do or how BENEDICT manages to eat or drink anything without swallowing them is the result of a little thing called MAGIC.

INT. HACKER WAREHOUSE

STEM is being shut down by HARRISON so LOGAN drags himself to the hacker’s virtual reality crack den.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

STEM had me jot down some random squiggles of code on my arm that should help you to hack his system.

HACKER

It doesn’t. It’s like asking me to rewrite a Stephen King novel with only three sentences to go by. Just stare at all the creepy homeless guys standing around addicted to virtual reality.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Bleh! Why would anyone want to live in a virtual world where they can walk and run and bone the memory of their dead wife? Certainly not me that's who!

HACKER

Hey, at least they're not playing Fortnite. Oh, and please don’t ask me if I have an Adam’s apple.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

No, I was going to ask who your barber was because he fucked you up.

The HACKER finishes and leaves just before BENEDICT and his brother DEADY MCSHOTGUNFACE arrive.

BENEDICT HARDIE

We have shotguns in our arms. What do you have?

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Shaky cam backflips!

Writer-Director LEIGH WHANNELL straps his camera to a hamster wheel and spins it all over the place.

DEADY MCSHOTGUNFACE

(shotguns own face off)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Hey wait a sec this scene was in the trailer too! Did we save any surprises for the actual movie?

STEM

If you have to ask then you already know the answer.

Which means FUCK NO they didn’t.

INT. LOGAN’S HOUSE

BETTY GABRIEL

Logan, I have figured out you are responsible for all these killings despite being a pathetic cripple, but I have no evidence.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

The last thing I should do is prove your suspicions by running away.

He proves her suspicions by RUNNING AWAY in his car. BETTY chases him.

STEM

I’ll save us by taking control of a nearby self driving car and crashing it into Betty’s.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Hey, that sounds exactly like what happened to Melanie’s car! STEM, did you have a hand in killing my wife--

STEM

(jingles keys in front of Logan’s face)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Yup already forgotten.

LOGAN tracks down BENEDICT and they FIGHT! At first it looks like LOGAN is going to LOSE but then he DOESN’T.

BENEDICT HARDIE

(forgets he has breath knives)

(dies)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Finally I have avenged Melanie’s death. Now I can rest.

STEM

It turns out Benedict was working for Harrison all along. You want to go murder him right?

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Why would Harrison ruin my life and then turn me into a superhuman killing machine? That seems highly suspicious. I had better ask a few questions before brutally mur

INT. HARRISON GILBERTSON’S TECH LAB

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

dering him-- HOLY SHIT we just killed a ton of guards! Why can’t I stop myself?

STEM

Because I’m in full control now. Thanks to that hacker I no longer need your permission to bring glorious death to my enemies.

HARRISON GILBERTSON

(shitting his pants)

LOGAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! I didn’t kill your wife, it was STEM! He manipulated me into having you paralyzed because you were the closest thing to Tom Hardy we could find without actually getting Tom Hardy!

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

But if you were this scared of STEM why didn’t you just crush him when he was still a microchip? Or have some I Robot nanites on hand to protect you? Or a rocket launcher?

HARRISON GILBERTSON

Because STEM kept jangling keys in front of my face rendering me stupid!

BETTY GABRIEL

(appears with gun)

That’s why I’m here to save the day! Just me! Alone! Without any backup or advanced cyborg-killing implants!

STEM

Oh dear. However will I be able to stop you? Oh, like this.

(easily kills Harrison and overpowers Betty)

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

No STEM! I have the power to take back control! MIND OVER MACHIIIIIIINE

LOGAN suddenly wakes up with full control of his body and with STEM gone.

MELANIE VALLEJO

Hey honey! I’m alive! Isn’t this awesome?

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Given my previous declaration of never wanting to live in a fake reality I should figure out STEM has trapped me in my own subconscious and wake up any second now and save Betty!

MELANIE VALLEJO

Let’s fuck!

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Yeah on second thought Betty’s just going to have to fend for herself.

(takes the blue pill)

Meanwhile in REALITY, STEM has taken full control of LOGAN’s body and paints the walls with BETTY’s brains.

STEM

Yes! My master plan has succeeded! I have transitioned from immortal software to highly mortal meat suit??? So, like, a reverse Lawnmower Man? Now that I’m human I can finally live out my dream of... working a menial desk job and... getting divorced and... getting old and dying from ass cancer.

(pause)

Is it too late to switch back?

IT IS.

END