FADE IN:

An OLD-TIMEY NEWSREEL takes us through a divergent history of ROBOTICS that somehow leads to full-blown A.I. and AUTONOMOUS ANDROIDS existing before OUR history even got to TAMAGOTCHIS. Who knows, maybe in this reality everyone bought INTELLIVISION instead of TRS-80s.

ANNOUNCER

Yes, "More Human Than Human" is our motto, in a playful shoutout to Blade Runner. These lovable robots help us with such mundane jobs as factory work, law enforcement, making lunch, nuking downtown Los AngeHEY WHATTHEFUCK

(dead)

CONGRESS leaps into action, further establishing the ALTERNATE TIMELINE.

MILITARY GUY

Thanks to this shocking attack, the US military is declaring worldwide war on this newly discovered species all by ourselves, in a playful shoutout to Marvel's Secret Invasion. And yes, sure, that series was pure dogshit garbage but don't you see THAT WAS THE A.I. FUCKING WITH US! It didn't stop with the credits, they made that whole series as awful as possible just to delegitimize our plans!! ARRGHHHH

(wrecks podium)

EXT. KO NANG, NEW ASIA - THE YEAR 2065 - NIGHT

As dusk falls, the serene landscape is surveilled by the sinister sleek deadly space station "NOMAD" that spends all day PRICE SCANNING the Earth below, look we TRIED warning everyone that self-checkout was evil but DID YOU STOP IT, NOOOOOPE, WELP JUST PLACE YOUR CORPSE IN THE BAGGING AREA I GUESS.

In a nearby idyllic beachside house, GEMMA CHAN and JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON are doing that pre-tragedy wedded bliss montage thing in a playful shoutout to TAKE YOUR FUCKING PICK.

KEN WATANABOT

(bursting in)

There's a hit squad outside, we gotta move!

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Whaa? Hit squad? But their target, the mysterious A.I.-creating genius known as "Nirmata", isn't even here!

(leans over to talk directly into potted plant)

NIRMATA'S NOT EVEN HERE DID YOU GET THAT, um, other people in this room with me?

GEMMA CHAN

You asshole, you sold out your wife and unborn child?!

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Look Gemma, I know you were an orphan raised by robots and you live with robots and robots are your best friends but THEY'RE NOT REAL OKAY? There, argument solved, let's go now while NOMAD vaporizes your lifelong family.

GEMMA CHAN

Fuck you! I'm sticking with my robo-crew as we head out into the open water, directly where NOMAD is scanning and has all its rockets aimed at, and... actually is it too late to

(kablooied!)

EXT. CHAPTER 1: RESISTANCE --- FIVE! VERY! SAD! YEARS! LATER!

JOHN DAVID wakes up and reattaches his various ROBO-LIMBS which helpfully remind us we are watching ROBO-SCIFI. He goes for a memory and baseline check in a playful shoutout to BLADE RUNNER 2049, and then goes to work where he sifts through mountains of garbage in a playful shoutout to WALL-E. Under one pile JOHN DAVID finds a collection of both HUMAN and ROBO-CORPSES.

DAMAGED ROBOT

(reviving)

D-D-Daisy?! Is that Daisy?! DAAAISY DAAAIIISY GIVE ME YOUR ANSWER DOOOOOO

(deactivated)

The camera pulls upwards and we see thousands of robots in a giant HYDRAULIC PRESS, being crushed into goop as they helplessly writhe in futile panic JUST IN CASE YOU STILL WEREN'T QUITE SURE WHO THE BAD GUYS REALLY ARE.

EXT. JOHN DAVID'S HOUSE - THAT NIGHT

JOHN DAVID is GLOOMSWIMMING in his PERSONAL HEATED LAP POOL OF ENNUI when he is approached by GENERAL RALPH INESON and COLONEL ALLISON JANNEY.

RALPH INESON

We need you back, John David. I need the old Blade Runner magic. The A.I. have a new superweapon called Alpha that can take out NOMAD and even though we've figured out where it is, and possess SO MANY nukes, apparently ONLY YOU know the layout of the base which is important somehow.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Fuck you no.

ALISON JANNEY

I know you had to refuse the Call first, which is why I waited before playing this hologram showing Gemma is STILL ALIVE WHAAAAT?!? Help us get in and we'll help save Gemma.

JOHN DAVID

Holy shit! I mean you can't just be lying to me, if you've found the base and Gemma's NOT there you could always nuke the base into its component atoms and not bother with me at all. So yeah, I'm in!

RALPH INESON

Uh, great! Yep.

(pause)

Actually is it too late to just nuke the

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. NEW ASIA

JOHN DAVID and ALLISON take a military jet along with their RAG-TAG MOTLEY CREW OF FUTURE MARINES in a playful shoutout to ALIENS.

ALLISON JANNEY

Right, get ready to drop John David into a convoluted subterranean futuristic mission, in a playful shoutout to Tenet!

The MARINES find a VILLAGE that's been built on top of the secret base.

MARINE

Tell me where the secret entrance is or this dog gets it! I'm totes gonna shoot this dog!

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Shit hold on, I gotta check "Does the Dog Die" real quick, I don't wanna see... oh phew, says here some kid shows us the door in time. Dog's fine everyone! Everything's fine.

They enter the base and start GUNNING DOWN DOZENS OF HUMANS IN COLD BLOOD, mostly scientists and engineers and non-combatants and whatnot WAIT THAT GUY'S BUILDING A TERMINATOR ARM, KILL THAT FUCKING GUY AND MAYBE THOSE GUYS TOO but remember the dog lived a long and happy life after this.

MARINE #2

(over radio)

I'll guard the entrance while y'all find Alpha! Looks like the cops are here, but I'll just launch a heap of rockets that target all of them, then wait nonchalantly for them to die, in a playful shoutout to Iron Man. Heh heh. Dumb robots.

(pause)

Oh fuck they sent another group of cops. HURRY UP IN THERE

(panicked gunfire)

Finally JOHN DAVID finds the big scary vault, suitable for storing big scary weapons, which turns out to hold... a SMALL CHILD ROBOT WHAAAAAAT?!?

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Well shit, I was determined to kill whatever I found, but now that it's an adorable child I'm having second thoughts, in a playful shoutout to The Mandalorian.

ALLISON JANNEY

(on radio)

Get out of there JD, the team set a beacon so NOMAD's gonna frag this place any second! Everyone GET TO THAH CHOPPAAAHHHH

MARINE #2

Phew, made it in the nick of time! Let's go gang! Hm, what's this thing stuck to my back where I got hit by robo-fire...

MARINE #3

It's a bomb! Quick, unclip your power-vest and we'll throw the whole thing overboard!

MARINE #2

Fuck that, gonna flail uselessly! Anyway why would we have some kind of quick-release catch when our enemies can shoot delayed explosives onto our

(kablooie!!!)

The CHOPPER goes KABOOM and the BASE also goes KABOOM, which both knocks out JOHN DAVID and provides a handy break to do another intertitle...

EXT. CHAPTER 2: THE CHILD

JOHN DAVID wakes up and finds MADELEINE YUNA VOYLES, aka ALPHA aka the KIDBOT, who has drawn a picture of GEMMA'S TATTOO.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

You saw my wife's tattoo at some point in your existence?! That must mean you know where she is right now, take me to her!!

MADELEINE YUNA VOYLES

I guess, right after I finish watching these old-timey cartoons in a playful shoutout to every movie with an active TV in the corner.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Also I found fellow soldier Robbie Tann, he's badly hurt so we gotta take him to my SPECIAL CONTACT in the CAPITAL CITY who'll meet us in the TRAIN STATION wearing a RED CARNATION.

(leans over and speaks directly into table lamp)

That's a RED CARNATION, TRAIN STATION, CAPITAL CITY ROGER OVER

ROBBIE TANN

(weakly)

ok cool got it, necessary information stored

(dead)

They find a beat-up truck but COPS arrive! The COPS throw a bomb but a plucky DOG grabs it and carries... shit we gotta check Does the Dog Die AGAIN... oh good the ROBOCOPS explode but the dog is, once again, fine! It scampers off and joins the other DOG on a series of whimsical adventures involving treats and snuggles. Meanwhile--

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Shit this truck won't start! Madeleine, I don't suppose you can wirelessly hack into any machine and make it do anything you want-

MADELEINE YUNA VOYLES

-in a playful shoutout to Terminator 3? What do you think.

(Grogus)

(starts truck)

EXT. ELSEWHERE NEARBY

Meanwhile ALLISON and Lance Corporal Moustache Specialist MARC MENCHACA have been captured by ROBOCOPS who they easily overpower with their REGULAR HUMAN STRENGTH.

MARC MENCHACA

I feel I should also point out that I just applied a choke-hold, to a ROBOT. This despite them having giant grabbable holes going right through their heads.

ALLISON JANNEY

Damn, JD and Maddy are out there somewhere, but all my sci-fi playful shoutouts got blowed up with the chopper.

MARC MENCHACA

No problem, I saved a whole pack of 1980s buddy-cop tropes! The A.I. won't be expecting us to use those in this hard-SF setting.

They FLIP THE COP CAR OVER 100 TIMES, emerge unscathed and drive off jauntily with a few wisecracks to stunned passersby. Down the road they find DEAD ROBBIE TANN!

ALLISON JANNEY

I bet Robbie absorbed some crucial information before biting it. Luckily I can upload his consciousness into this futuristic USB stick with progress lights, in a playful shoutout to THE EXACT SAME DEVICE FROM THE DOCTOR WHO EPISODE "SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY" LIKE I THINK WE BOUGHT THIS PROP AT A BBC AUCTION OR SOMETHING, HOLY CRAP.

(gains info)

Right, we've learned enough to show up just a BIT too late at John David's next stop. Everyone assume we just keep doing that until the big Army showdown about an hour from now, okay?

MARC MENCHACA

Shit if that's all we do, why couldn't we have simply turned up with the rest of the Army and saved a bunch of filler scenes? Actually is too late to just skip

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. CHAPTER 3 -- THE FRIEND

JOHN DAVID and MADELEINE maneuver through the CAPITAL CITY, posing for selfies beside various WANTED POSTERS of themselves, and narrowly miss bumping into OBI-EWAN MCKENOBI and CHILD LEIA. Finally they reach JD's old Army friend STURGILL SIMPSON and his robo-girlfriend VERONICA NGO.

VERONICA NGOBOT

Aw check out the adorbs robo-toddler! What would you like?

MADELEINE YUNA VOYLES

(actual line)

FOR ROBOTS TO BE FREE.

VERONICA NGOBOT

Wow sorry I asked, maybe learn to dial it down once in a while, kid.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Sturgill you're like a super robo-expert, what can you tell me about Maddy? All I've managed is to have Deep Serious Philosophical Conversations about Heaven and Death and FUCK YOU I'M NOT BONDING WITH IT YOU'RE BONDING WITH IT ALSO HOW ABOUT YOUR MOUTH BONDS WITH YOUR OWN SHIT sorry I'm just a bit stressed.

STURGILL SIMPSON

(examines)

This is incredible. This robot... can LEARN. I mean sure for A.I. to truly be intelligent it would have to have learning capabilities but THIS one can, like, REEEAAALLLY learn, in a playful shoutout to M3GAN but like, M3,000,000GAN! With Madeleine's awesome staggeringly advanced abilities, she could even take down NOMAD!

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Could a regular bomb also do that?

STURGILL SIMPSON

Well yeah, let's not blow up the whole premise though.

VERONICA NGOBOT

Oh hey the ice cream I ordered is here! Hm I don't remember ordering "wires and digital countdown" flavour... oh shit could somebody check Does The Robot Die real quick

(kablooie!!!)

COPS burst in and grab MADELEINE, but JD goes FULL MANDO on them and they ESCAPE! They follow a TRACKING DEVICE in GEMMA'S wedding ring and find it at the old BEACH HOUSE, also the last place GEMMA was seen so would have been reasonable to start there anyway, but that wouldn't have used a SCI-FI TRACKER.

STURGILL SIMPSON

Oh crap we got company!

(stands perfectly silhouetted in doorway)

QUICK EVERYONE TAKE COVER

(shot multiple times)

(collapses)

Urk... now that I'm on the cusp of death I actually have a bunch of information to share with you John David, listen... ark urk... Gemma... IS... blurg...

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Oh, Gemma is "Nirmata" right? The mysterious unseen character is, in fact, someone we've seen all along? I think most of the audience was already way ahead of you there.

STURGILL SIMPSON

Fine, well, fuck you.

(dies)

JOHN DAVID is CAPTURED and KNOCKED OUT by KEN WATANABOT and GEMMA'S OLD GANG, which again provides a handy spot for an intertitle...

EXT. CHAPTER 4 -- THE MOTHER

JOHN DAVID wakes up in a CAGE on a BOAT being observed by KEN.

KEN WATANABOT

Guess we should start by clearing up that it was actually human error, NOT robots, that nuked Los Angeles, HUGE SHOCK I KNOW. We only desire peaceful co-existence, an end to struggle, and the safety and welfare of all sentient things.

(pause)

Okay and for someone to point out motorcycles and intersections to us, we still haven't quite got the hang of that.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Look all I care about is finding Gemma, to see her ONE LAST TIME and hold her ONE LAST TIME, just be with her ONE LAST TIME am I telegraphing this too much?

KEN WATANABOT

We'll see. First we're heading back to base, maybe if you help out while we're there I'll start thinking of you as an ally.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Sounds good. But... can I escape first? I really wanna escape.

KEN WATANABOT

But it won't affect anything.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Oh C'MONNNN please then I can grab onto the boat to tag along to your base, in a playful shoutout to Raiders of the Lost Ark! PLEEEEASE

KEN WATANABOT

But our boat sometimes floats so you'd be visible to... y'know what, fuck it. Fill your damn boots.

JOHN DAVID does indeed ESCAPE and goes to the BASE where everyone is.

EXT. ROBO-BASE

JOHN DAVID sneaks up on KEN and puts him in SLEEP MODE which seems like something the A.I. would have looked into disabling once the whole war thing started. He gets MADELEINE but just then ALARMS go off!

SENTRIES

Everyone look sharp, our enemies might be stealthily sneaking up from any OH SHIT ENORMOUS MILLION-TON TWENTY-STOREY TANKS RIGHT THE FUCK BEHIND US, HOW DID WE NOT HEAR THAT SHIT WE ARE THE SUCKIEST SENTRIES

The giant ARMY MECHS rampage through the FORESTS in a playful shoutout to AVATAR. A robot plants a BOMB on one tank but gets shot before pushing the REMOTE BUTTON, and so a helpful MONKEY finishes the job the A.I. started in a playful shoutout to HOW ALL FUTURE MOVIES WILL BE MADE.

ALLISON JANNEY

(wakes from nap, stretches)

AAAaaaand we're back in the story! Well we've all had a lot of fun with NOMAD firing missiles into things to devastating effect, but let's shake things up a bit with these ridiculous running robo-bombs. Sure they're slower than missiles and less maneuverable than drones, but on the other hand, ah, is it too late to just use

The BOMBS start running into the base and EXPLODING! However MADELEINE manages to GROGU one of them into sleepiness!

MARC MENCHACA

(running up)

Hey! Let that thing blow up in your face or I'll shoot!

(shoots)

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Fuck off, you don't have enough different letters in your name!

(shoots Marc)

KEN WATANABOT

Well done JD, I now trust you enough to take you to Gemma. I sure hope you're not doing a playful shoutout to Total Recall on me.

KEN takes JD and MADELEINE to a ROBO-TEMPLE on a hill.

KEN WATANABOT

Hey remember how Gemma was preggers? Well she designed Maddy based on your child's DNA so in some sense she is LITERALLY YOUR CHILD, WHAAAAAAAT

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Oh. I mean we've already established an inseparable bond, that's kind of an unnecessary detail at this point.

KEN WATANABOT

True, but it does mean we get to show a flashback of tiny baby Madeleine which implies she actually grew up and all the metal in her also grew up? Anyhoo WE ARE HERE!

They enter the TEMPLE and find GEMMA unconscious on a medical table!

KEN WATANABOT

Yes, she's actually been in a coma this whole five years. Our programming forbids us to pull the plug even though her situation is hopeless, though it did allow us to keep her makeup on point.

ALLISON JANNEY

(entering)

Hold it right there! Soldiers, hack everything and murder everything else! Now to download Gemma's brain into a stick for me to interrogate and/or torture, JD are you sure you don't want to be friends again?

(thud)

Aw geez did someone put one of those sticky time-delayed bombs on my back? We REALLY need to address the design flaw in

(kabloooie!!)

Turns out KEN shot the bomb but SOLDIERS frag KEN!

KEN WATANABOT

Actually even though a giant hole in the centre of the chest has killed lots of other robots so far, I'm fine with it. Check ya later!

(runs off to fight more)

JOHN DAVID grabs the USB but soldiers grab him and MADELEINE and take them to...

INT. FORT VALOR - LOS ANGELES

GENERAL RALPH INESON debriefs JOHN DAVID.

RALPH INESON

We've been trying to terminate Madeleine but she "won't let us" or whatever, seems we forgot all about those giant crushing machines we have. So we need you to do it using this handheld EMP while you two are alone in a room with no audio surveillance, what could go wrong?

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

I certainly wouldn't tell her to go sleep mode until we're out of the building, THAT'S for sure! It'd be pointless anyway since once I use the EMP you'll immediately separate us and throw Maddy into the nearest trash compactor...

(ushered into van with sleeping Madeleine and barely any guards)

Or that could happen.

MADELEINE wakes up and T3s the van, which bumps into the nearest wall and FLIPS AND CRASHES SPECTACULARLY WOW THE STABILITY ON THESE HIGH-TECH FUTURE VEHICLES REALLY IS FOR SHIT ISN'T IT. They escape, and successfully GROGU a MOON SHUTTLE to reach NOMAD!

INT. NOMAD, WHICH WE NOW LEARN STANDS FOR "NORTH AMERICAN ORBITAL MOBILE AIRBORNE DEFENCE" AND FULL MARKS FOR REDUNDANCY ON THAT ONE, OR IS THERE ALSO AN ORBITAL IMMOBILE GROUND-BORNE DEFENCE STATION

JD and MADELEINE dock the SHUTTLE and allow the innocent civilians to EVACUATE onto the station they're about to completely destroy.

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

This is it! We've gotta take down this floating fortress before it opens fire on the innocents below, using the data it's collected to kill all its enemies at once, while I also deal with the emotional stakes of hoping to be re-united with my long-lost partner, all of this being of course a playful shoutout to Captain America: The Winter Soldier!

COPS smokebomb the shuttle and swarm in, but JOHN DAVID has put on a spacesuit and opens the DOOR, sucking his pursuers outward!

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Ha ha ha ACAB, All Cops Are Blownoutheairlock!!

(shuts door)

Maddy, you go to the control room so you can shut everything down for like 20 seconds and then turn everything on again, achieving I'm not sure what. Meanwhile I'll strap a bomb to one of NOMAD's missiles.

MADELEINE YUNA VOYLES

Did you get one of those bombs where you shoot it and it sticks to the target, y'know, the kind which seem to be lying around everywhere in this universe?

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Nope for THIS bomb I have to climb onto the missile itself, and do my best to pick the one that aaaaaalmost gets launched but not quite. Worst case is I get to do a playful shoutout to Dr. Strangelove.

NOMAD begins firing and blows up a few targets but finally JD'S BOMB goes off and NOMAD begins going KABLOOIE!

MADELEINE YUNA VOYLES

JD! I'm in the escape pod but the door is physically stuck, I can't T3 it!

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

It's okay, I accept my fate is to die here. I emotionally jettison you in a heartfelt shoutout to, oh let's say Armaggeddon.

(does so)

JOHN DAVID wanders through the exploding base to the GREENHOUSE where he finds GEMMA CHAN has been downloaded into a GEMMABOT!

GEMMA CHAN-GPT

Madeleine uploaded me to this robot body in a playful shoutout to The Eternals. Should we leap out of here, jump onto various large pieces of falling debris, and land safely in a playful shoutout to Black Widow?

JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

Nah, this is SERIOUS sci-fi, let's accept our deaths with a meaningful kiss in a playful shoutout to Last Night (CAN: McKellar, 1998).

On the surface, the zillion-odd tons of NOMAD crash safely in WIDE OPEN 100%-UNINHABITED AREAS. At a safe distance, MADELEINE emerges from the escape pod and appreciates her new lease on life having survived planetfall, in a final shoutout to GRAVITY.

MADELEINE YUNA VOYLES

Seriously though check out Monsters, it fucking slaps.

END