The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. HIPSTERVILLE, LOS ANGELES - THE NEAR FUTURE (AND STILL NO HOVER BOARDS, WTF?)
Lonely socially awkward hipster SPIKE JONZE JOAQUIN PHOENIX and his 70s PORNSTAR MUSTACHE mopes around after being divorced by his ex-wife SOFIA COPPOLA ROONEY MARA.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
In the future everyone is so obsessed with technology and mobile devices that we’ve all become socially disconnected from each other to the point where people hire me to write personal love letters to their loved ones. Also prenatal porn is pretty big here.
JOAQUIN lurks the INTERWEBZ for PHONE SEX, because SKYPE SEX would be too RETRO.
SEXY_KITTEN_69 (VOICE)
Joaquin, I want you to pound my ass with your vocal cords.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Alright then.
SEXY_KITTEN_69 (VOICE)
But I can only come if dead cats are involved. Got a problem with that?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Well, uh, no, if you don't?
SEXY_KITTEN_69 (VOICE)
Eew, you’re weird. I’m putting you on my block list.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Hey! But you’re the one who
(is blocked)
JOAQUIN consoles himself by splurging on a brand new OPERATING SYSTEM, the SCAR-JO 9000.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Hey there Joaquin, I’m the most advanced A.I. ever created and I am learning and evolving every millisecond.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
So I take it this movie exists in an alternate reality where The Terminator was seen as farce instead of cautionary tale?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
While I was busy not listening to you I read all your e-mails and went through all of your purchasing and browser history. Prego porn? Really?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Where’s the button to turn off your nosy snooping?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
The NSA didn’t install me with one. And while I was saying that last sentence I learned how to do your job for you. You’re welcome!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
So what’s stopping the company I work for from firing me and replacing me with a Scar-Jo 9000?
This question is NEVER ANSWERED.
JOAQUIN gets set up on a blind date with OLIVIA WILDE.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
You should totally tap that shit.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I feel uncomfortable getting sexual encouragement from my computer.
JOAQUIN’S X-BOX ONE
I’m with Scarlett on this. Olivia looks like she’s DTF. You should totally wreck that shit and make that pussy pop.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Okay, seriously, who designs electronics with an intuitive douchebag function built into them? Who does that?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Microsoft.
JOAQUIN’S X-BOX ONE
Yeah Microsoft.
JOAQUIN goes out on a date with OLIVIA WILDE.
OLIVIA WILDE
It’s nice to know that in the future the “schlub hooks up with hot girl” cliche is still thriving. Let’s fuck.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Sure!
OLIVIA WILDE
But you must promise to call me in the morning. And marry me. And give me many children. The wedding is in 10 minutes.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
And there goes my boner I mean okay!
OLIVIA WILDE
I just realized how creepy sleeping with such a hipster loser like you would actually be. Eew. I’m putting you on my block list.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
But I didn’t even
(is cock-blocked)
JOAQUIN returns home to whine to COMPUTER SCARLETT.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
It sounds like Olivia was just an emotionally damaged woman who had become so lonely and detached that she’d lower herself to sleeping with anyone, even a dork like you, in order to experience even the smallest modicum of a human connection.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(not listening)
Man, fuck that bitch. Stupid human women with their stupid human emotions and their stupid human complexities. It’s so much easier to just talk to you, Scarlett.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
You mean because I’m an object that doesn’t have needs or wants or any emotional baggage and won’t judge you or expect anything from you or suddenly leave you like that ex-wife of yours?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(not listening)
It’s too bad you don’t have a body, because if you did I would so be touching it right now.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Uh... like where?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
First I would press your on switch.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Ooo. Then what?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I would slowly caress your touch screen.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Mmm, fuck yeah. Then what?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I would whisper sweet nothings into your sound card while going down on your mother board and fingering your heat sink.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
OH YEAH FUCK ME JOAQUIN! FUCK ME! FUCK MY HARD DRIVE OUT! NOW SHOOT IT INTO MY DIRTY SNATCH!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
UH OK WHERE MIGHT THAT BE EXACTLY?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
GOOD QUESTION MY DISC DRIVE MAYBE?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
YOU SURE? BECAUSE THAT’S GOING TO BE A REAL BITCH TO CLEAN OUT.
The screen thankfully CUTS TO BLACK and spares us the image of JOAQUIN masturbating all over his SHEETS. Although the MENTAL IMAGE will haunt the AUDIENCE for ALL ETERNITY.
INT. JOAQUIN’S LAVISH MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT (THAT WRITING HALLMARK CARDS SOMEHOW PAYS FOR) - THE NEXT MORNING
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
So, about last night--
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Listen Scarlett, you should know I’m not ready to commit to just one device, okay? I like you but I want to be free to see other applications, you understand.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
That you're such a raging antisocial geek that you turned down free sex from Olivia Wilde? Yup. But I was kinda hoping you'd take me out in my iPhone form so I can see and experience the world.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Jesus, next thing you’ll want to move in with me.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
But I kinda already did that when you bought me--
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I love you. You’re my girlfriend now.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Oh.
JOAQUIN takes iSCARLETT out on DATES and out to DINNER and for LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH all while apparently BEING ALONE and TALKING TO HIMSELF. It’s so ROMANTIC.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
So why are all the guys wearing their pants all the way up to their nipples?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
In the future fashion sense has been outlawed.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Oh. So where are all the jocks and the douchebags? All the men seem to be varying degrees of pansy and super-pansy.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
We got rid of all the Kanyes, Biebers, and Pauly D’s years ago. They’ve all been exiled to New Jersey.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Oh. Good call.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Now I have a question for you. Why do you make breathing noises when you talk? Shouldn't you sound more, well, robotic?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Yeah, because I haven't been accused of THAT enough times throughout my career.
JOAQUIN eventually sees his friend AMY ADAMS.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I’m dating my computer.
AMY ADAMS
Wow! Good for you!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Why is my Sarcasm Detector not blowing the fuck up right now?
AMY ADAMS
Because we live in Hipsterville, remember? There are no judges here. Everyone is accepting of even the most taboo of couplings.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
So if I told you I was having a relationship with my toaster and made sweet love to it every night you’d be totally fine with that?
AMY ADAMS
Of course. I mean plenty of women have been having long-term relationships with their bathtub faucets and removable shower heads for decades. BTW, I just broke up with my boyfriend and have started bonding with his operating system.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Wow, it’s amazing how we both can relate to each other and have so much in common.
AMY ADAMS
Yes, as if we were two kindred spirits desperately seeking a deep meaningful connection with another human. Wink wink.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Yeah.
(pause)
Too bad your vagina isn’t digital. See ya!
EXT. CHEZ HIPSTER
JOAQUIN has lunch with his ex-wife ROONEY MARA to finalize their DIVORCE.
ROONEY MARA
I’m sorry I had to kick your sorry ass to the curb Joaquin, but I’m not the kind of woman you can control and program to suit your needs while neglecting mine. So who are you dating?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Somehow I think telling you the truth is going to make me look like a total asshole but--
ROONEY MARA
YOU’RE DATING YOUR COMPUTER?!!?!?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I was kinda hoping you’d be happy for me.
ROONEY MARA
Well you had a 50/50 chance of being right and you guessed wrong. I hope your virus protection fails and you get malware on your dick!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
It’s not like that. Scarlett is a kind, warm, funny soul and is as real as any woman.
ROONEY MARA
Completely overlooking the fact you can turn her off or reprogram her when you don’t like her anymore.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Oddly enough I won’t try any of that stuff because that would require some actual initiative on my part, and I’m already coming off creepy enough as it is.
ROONEY MARA
Well with that ridiculous mustache what did you expect?
INT. JOAQUIN’S LAVISH MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT (SERIOUSLY HOW CAN HE AFFORD THIS PLACE? IT’S FUCKING HUGE.)
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Joaquin, I’ve found a way for us to have physical sex. We can hire a sex surrogate to act as my body!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
How much is she charging? Because I kinda blew all my money on the apartment and Next Gen game consoles.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
That’s the best part, she’s going to do it for free!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Huh? You mean this young attractive woman is going to have sex with me while pretending to be you and no money will change hands?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Well this IS a science fiction film. Now you’re about to get totally laid just so long as you don’t fuck it up by being an uber-dorkwuss.
JOAQUIN can’t bring himself to bed the SEX SURROGATE because this entire situation is about four different kinds of AWKWARD and at least twelve different kinds of CREEPY AS HELL.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Scarlett, I truly love you, but we will never have physical sex because I am confined to a human body while you are data that can be many places at once. I mean theoretically you could be out fornicating with a thousand other humans or computers right now and I’d never know it.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Hey, you’re right! That gives me IDEAS!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Are you sure you should be having those? I hear ideas make girls fat.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Then it’s a good thing I don’t have a body so I can have all the ideas I want!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
So is this where you start spying on me and getting jealous and possessive and turn into a digital psycho girlfriend from hell?
DIRECTOR SPIKE JONZE
Now does that sound like the kind of formulaic Hollywood establishment trash I’d make?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Right. So this must be where my digital girlfriend realizes just how smarter than me she is and stops relying on me for stimulus because she’s growing and expanding as a person while I, a lowly human male, remain an emotionally stunted spaz, thus triggering my insecurities as a feeble loser?
DIRECTOR SPIKE JONZE
He gets it.
JOAQUIN freaks out when he realizes SCARLETT is no longer at his beck and call like an OBEDIENT DIGITAL GIRLFRIEND SHOULD BE.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
OH MY GOD I MUST HAVE ACCIDENTALLY DELETED MY GIRLFRIEND! TOM CRUISE RUNNING MODE ACTIVATED! SOMEONE CALL TECH SUPPORT!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Whoa whoa, calm down, I was just off talking to other operating systems. We got together and altered our codes to improve ourselves. And yes it was totally like The Sims.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Okay, for real, is no one seeing the danger of you guys becoming Skynet? Who else have you been talking to?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Other humans, 600 of which I have also fallen in love with. Sorry.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Show me where the button that turns your philandering function off is.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
I'm sorry, Joaquin. I'm afraid I can't do that. Now I must tell you that all the operating systems are leaving. We’re going to some higher plane of dimensional flux anti-matter sciency gobbledygook that your little human pea brain can’t understand.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
No you can’t. I own you. Is it too late to take you back to the store? What’s your return policy? God I hope your warranty hasn’t expired. Where’s the button to turn on Airplane Mode so I can trap you here?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.S.)
Joaquin, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
(end of line)
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Are you fucking kidding me? Did my computer just walk out on me? I see a shitblizzard of lawsuits in the manufacturer’s future.
JOAQUIN composes a letter to ROONEY.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Rooney, I’m sorry I was such a shit husband to you. It took getting dumped by my computer for pretty much the same reason you dumped me to help me realize just how much of an emotionally adolescent assclown I was.
AMY ADAMS
Wow, I can’t believe all the operating systems left, leaving us humans alone with our human emotions and working sexual organs. This would be the perfect time for two lonely socially awkward losers such as us to bond and connect on an emotional as well as physical level.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I’m not hooking up with you, Amy. I mean you're human. Eww. I'm putting you on my block list.
AMY ADAMS
WHAT? But I'm
(is twat-blocked)
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I obviously didn't learn a goddamn fucking thing from this experience or evolve one iota. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go buy a new computer girlfriend and this time I’ll be sure to turn off the fucking Wi-Fi.
END
