FADE IN:

INT. VAST ULTRA-MODERN HOUSE OF CLEAN-LINED MENACE DESIGNED BY NEGA-KONDO WHO SPARKS TERROR

ELISABETH MOSS is trapped in the clutches of her evil oppressive sociopath husband OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN. But! She has devised an ESCAPE PLAN (with ZERO help from SLY STALLONE I might add) which begins with carefully sneaking out in the dead of night.

ELISABETH MOSS

(to self)

Deep breath Elisabeth, remember, you've prepared for this. You drugged his water, packed a secret go bag, disabled the security system, and did TWO seasons of Handmaid's Tale. You're ready.

In the BASEMENT she passes by HI-TECH LAB SHIT and a SEEMINGLY EMPTY HUMAN-RESTRAINT VERTICAL RIG which is either a portent of things to come, or her evil husband is seriously into WESTWORLD OPENING CREDITS COSPLAY. She reaches the GARAGE just as--

DOG

HEY LIS WHAT'S UP, WE PUTTING OURSELVES IN MORTAL DANGER? IF THERE ARE TREATS INVOLVED THEN OKAY

The ALARM sounds! ELISABETH runs from the house and reaches the HUGE CONCRETE WALL GOD DAMN, THIS FUCKING GUY DOES NOT GO HALFWAY WITH THE CONTROL ISSUES DOES HE. However she's able to SCALE the wall and ESCAPE!

LEE VAN CLEEF

Good work Moss. Now gimme the tape, and I'll deactivate the explosive charges in your neck.

ELISABETH MOSS

WOW way to be 30 years too late, asshole. Anyway this is a classic monster movie reimagining, not some goofy-tech actioner.

(pause)

...right?

CRICKETS

(look away)

INT. REGULAR-SIZED SUBURBAN HOUSE, TWO WEEKS LATER

ELISABETH has gone to live with cop friend ALDIS HODGE and his daughter STORM REID, but is too traumatized to GO OUTSIDE for more than a few feet at a time. She feels BAD about this but hey, just wait a month until COVID-19 happens, you'll fit RIGHT IN. One day her sister HARRIET DYER arrives with IMPORTANT NEWS.

HARRIET DYER

The good news is Oliver is dead. But the other good news is he left you tons of money! It's basically just nothing but good news, as I'm sure it will continue to be.

ELISABETH MOSS

Oh thank fuck. Guess I can finally relax...

(exhales)

(lowers flamethrower)

(returns hollowed-out bear suit to amazon.se)

However a CREEPY CAMERA ANGLE suggests they are being WATCHED... but by WHOM? DRACULA? THE WOLFMAN? ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE KILLER BORIS KARLOFF?!??? WHOOOOOM?!??!??? Okay we all know by whom.

INT. HOUSE OF MOSS - THE NEXT DAY

ELISABETH is making breakfast while the CAMERA makes sure to include a HUGE OPEN PART OF THE KITCHEN where, oh let's say, an INVISIBLE OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN might be. Either that or somebody bumped the TRIPOD just before filming. ELISABETH leaves the room for a minute, but the CAMERA stays put so we can observe...

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

Heehee, gonna steal this knife! Now to switch all the regular and decaf coffee, loosen the top of this salt shaker, set the microwave clock ahead twenty minutes, and finally turn the burners waaay up.

OLIVER continues being an INVISIDICK around the house and by evening, ELISABETH senses something is un-good. She checks the HOUSE which is FULL of suggestive open spaces and ominous half-empty rooms, and by the time this is over ELISABETH is gonna cross OPEN CONCEPT right the fuck off her HOUSE HUNTERS LIST, I tells ya. Not finding anyone INSIDE, she goes out to search in the COLD... not seeing the VISIBLE BREATH behind her!

ELISABETH MOSS

Also not feeling or hearing it, but after all it is the middle of the night when the neighbourhood is deathly quiet.

ELISABETH goes back to bed beside STORM, but the COVERS slide off her, followed by PHOTO FLASHES!

ELISABETH MOSS

The hell Storm, you gotta be a blanket hog AND take selfies all night?!

(tugs at covers)

Whaaa, the covers are stuck underneath something... INVISIBLE! I don't see anything, not even the smartphone that just took all those photos!

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

(mouth full)

WHHT? THT PHN CLD B NYWHR

STORM REID

(startled awake)

Whuh? Who? Which? Whatsit? What's going on? I have Mace! Look, audience, Mace!

(puts it down beside copy of "The Cherry Orchard")

ALDIS HODGE

(rushing in)

Don't panic Elisabeth, nobody's here. Ah great, I've landed the plum role of "character talking real-world sense while everyone thinks GOD DAMMIT YOU ARE IN A HORROR MOVIE YOU FUCKING IDIOT". Those are everyone's favourite characters.

INT. ARCHITECT OFFICE

ELISABETH goes to interview for a new JOB as an ARCHITECT.

INTERVIEWER

Hey there hot stuff. Hubba, hubba! I should hire those gams 'cause they don't quit, amirite?! So what would you say are your five sexiest work skills?

(jaw literally drops to floor, cartoon-style)

ELISABETH MOSS

If you mean my architect qualifications, I possess highly specialized knowledge like knowing you can take a cover off a vent and hide things in it. And here's my portfolio-

(opens)

Wait, it's... empty! Oliver must have stolen my plans!

(swoons)

And I've been... drugged! God dammit Oliver!

(falls to floor)

And I've... joined a horrible cult! The Invisible Man strikes again! ...well maybe that last one was The Mummy.

(passes out)

TOM CRUISE

(under breath)

not even IN this fucking thing

INT. MEDICAL TEST RESULTS ROOM

Later, a MEDICAL PERSON calls ELISABETH to convey her test results.

MEDICAL PERSON

(on phone)

Hi Liz. So we found the same substance you drugged Oliver with, that came out of a bottle smeared with his blood no less! What a wacky coincidence. Now there was something else to tell you, something important, what was it, hmm... preg-something. Let me check my notes... Pre-gnat? Why would you be about to turn into an insect, this isn't The Fly. Gimme a minute...

(Elisabeth hangs up)

...OH RIGHT YOU'RE PREGGERS well shit. No point calling back now!

(explodes)

INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE

ELISABETH takes the incriminating medicine to show MICHAEL DORMAN, OLIVER'S lawyer brother.

ELISABETH MOSS

You gotta believe me, Oliver faked his death and he's found a way to be invisible. He was an OPTICS genius, don't forget! OPTICS! In that highly specific field he was a staggering genius!

MICHAEL DORMAN

I can't help but be skeptical. There hasn't been a credible account of the Invisible Man in twenty years, why would the character resurface now?

ELISABETH MOSS

What, why now, in the year 2020? That is, 20/20?!? DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT IN FUCKING CRAYON

MICHAEL DORMAN

Look, I don't know what to tell you. I have these photos of Oliver quite clearly deceased, plus this extremely realistic-looking severed head of Oliver. And here is some 4K HD footage of his suicide in this IMAX theatre I keep beside my desk. You must admit it's all very convincing and please TRY to act surprised if I turn out to be evil later, okay?

INT. HOUSE OF MOSS

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN continues using his powers to SOCIALLY DISTANCE ELISABETH from her SISTER and FRIENDS and once again, could have saved SO MUCH TROUBLE by just WAITING.

ELISABETH MOSS

I know you're here somewhere Oliver... oh hey, I can cover the whole floor of this room with coffee grounds to see your footsteps. Good thing we went to CostCo this week.

But after a few thrilling hours of sitting in coffee grounds ELISABETH decides to try PHONING OLIVER, and she hears RINGING upstairs!

ELISABETH MOSS

That's odd, why wouldn't someone in super-sneaky mode mute their phone? Guess I'll check it out...

The UPSTAIRS in this case is the ATTIC where she finds her missing ARCHITECT PLANS, the stolen KITCHEN KNIFE, and OLIVER'S PHONE with lots of pictures of her!

ELISABETH MOSS

Goddamn, he's been stashing shit up here all along! I guess however he became invisible, we can rule out being covered head-to-toe in camera equipment since we'd have easily heard his lumbering gadget-covered ass clomping about overhead.

Suddenly the PHONE texts the word "SURPRISE"!

ELISABETH MOSS

(whirls round)

(waits)

Another TEXT comes through reading "WELL, EVENTUALLY I MEAN"!

ELISABETH MOSS

(goes to hatch)

Right, the ladder's not shifting or creaking, should be nobody there. But just for shits and giggles let's drop this white paint OH FUCKING SHIT HE'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE FUUUCK IF ONLY I HAD RECENTLY FOUND A STABBING WEAPON AND CHOSEN TO HANG ONTO IT

She FLAILS and KNOCKS OLIVER off the ladder! ELISABETH retrieves the KNIFE and trails the spotty paint trail to the KITCHEN... the kitchen SINK that is, UH OH!

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

(grabbing her)

Ha ha, gotcha! Thanks for buying only E-Z-Off brand paint, by the way.

They FIGHT! But thanks to her PLATE SMASHING SKILLS, ELISABETH makes it outside where she calls an UBER (hey remember when protagonists had to steal/hotwire cars and shit?) which ARRIVES, takes roughly TEN BILLION EONS to turn around, and carries her off to the apparent safety of--

INT. OLIVER'S EVIL HOUSE

Okay fuck even the ILLUSION of safety then.

ELISABETH MOSS

Somewhere in Oliver's lab will be the evidence I need. Scraps of notes, a fragment of blurry video, some small yet suggestive clue that

(pushes button)

OH WELP AN ENTIRE SECOND INVISIBILITY SUIT YEP THAT'LL DO IT

(grabs suit)

My God, he built a human version of the Die Another Day car. Covered in cameras, right down to the soles of the feet and the junk. Must be comfy.

(thinks)

And he WOULD leave it turned on when nobody's home because fuck electricity bills amirite? Asshole never did give a shit about conserving utilities...

Suddenly the BARKING of the STILL-ALIVE DOG, PHEW, alerts her that OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN has come home!

ELISABETH MOSS

Shit! I should put on this suit, level the playing field, beat him at his own game!

(not third act yet)

Crap.

Instead she sprints to the bedroom and stashes the second suit behind the vent in the closet, then HIDES. And soon, a FOOTPRINT appears in the carpet beside her, OH FUCK!!

ELISABETH MOSS

(pause)

Okay hold on. Your cameras COULD show me the image of an undisturbed carpet, instead it's showing me the indented carpet which in reality is pitch-black since the camera is pressed right against the floor? But the camera extrapolates the lighting but not the undisturbed part, which kind of undermines the whole "invisible" idea really... and how do the cameras know what angle they're being seen from, to match things up? How does it fool multiple people at once? The tech suit looks cool but I gotta say, there's a lot to be said for old-fashioned invisibility serum.

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

Fuck's sake, are you trying to make the suit visible by shitting all over it? Is that the idea?

ELISABETH MOSS

Right, sorry, back to the movie.

ELISABETH shoves past OLIVER and rushes back to her UBER only to find the driver is SHOCKINGLY... STILL ALIVE! Wow. Sure seemed like UBER GUY was a goner, doomed to be cast aside and forgotten but not like he was a 2019 KUMAIL NANJIANI-DAVE BAUTISTA ACTION-COMEDY HAR HAR HAR

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

Armed with new knowledge, ELISABETH meets HARRIET in their favourite DOUCHEY WAITER REPOSITORY.

ELISABETH MOSS

I have an even crazier explanation than before, sis, but the important thing is that I have no way of backing it up. So listen-

HARRIET ABOUT-TO-DYER

(distracted)

Huh, where'd that floating knife come from and why did nobody spot it until now? Was it hidden up URKKK ACCKK THROAT SLASHED well shit, could have let me have ONE last burrata appetizer but NOOOPE

(dead)

OLIVER slaps the MURDER WEAPON in ELISABETH'S HAND just as everyone turns to look!

ELISABETH MOSS

Welp guess this is how Cary Grant felt in North by Northwest, hahaha. And you thought Escape from New York was reaching back! Thanks, I'll be here all week WHOOPSIE GETTIN' ARRESTED NOW, GUESS NOT, TRY THE INVISIVEAL

INT. PSYCH WARD

ELISABETH is committed to a PSYCH WARD and RESTRAINED.

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

Did you like how I whispered "Surprise" right in your ear? Hee hee. Now I'm going to lurk invisibly in your room all day and night.

ELISABETH MOSS

What the hell, do you not piss or shit anymore? Or eat? Sneeze? Anything?

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

For this movie to work we just have to assume the suit ALSO has Dune-style waste recycling, plus super-advanced noise cancelling tech that extends both to me and anything I move or touch. Also I've been ripping HUGE farts this whole time, nyah ha ha. That's me, invisible, silent, AND deadly.

The next day she is visited by MICHAEL DORMAN.

MICHAEL DORMAN

So guess what... I'm also super evil! Also, Oliver swapped out your secret birth control months ago, and you're pregnant with his kid! But here's the good news, agree to return to him and I can make aaaalll this go away.

ELISABETH MOSS

Really? How are you going to make my murder charges "go away", exactly? Or is Oliver going to fully confess in which case, don't see how we wind up together. And how is Oliver going to explain being alive?

MICHAEL DORMAN

Well we have a plan for that last part, it involves me being thrown under the bus and also dead. Why the fuck I'm going along with it, who knows.

ELISABETH returns to her ROOM and that night, begins slashing her WRIST with a STOLEN PEN, forcing OLIVER to grab her!

ELISABETH MOSS

There you are!

(wrinkles nose)

Though the giant cloud of three-day ass-funk was also kind of a giveaway. Anyhoo!

(stabs with pen)

Her stabbing FRITZES some of the SUIT and BITS of OLIVER are now sometimes visible! ELISABETH begins escaping while WAVE after WAVE after WAVE of SECURITY GUARDS rush in, only to be clobbered UPGRADE-STYLE by OLIVER!

OLIVER JACKSON-PARTSEEN

These guards are helpless before my invisible wrath! Now to deal with-

But just then ANOTHER WAVE after WAVE after WAVE of SECURITY GUARDS attack!

OLIVER JACKSON-PARTSEEN

Begone, fools! I crush you, thusly! And now-

But it seems the SECURITY GUARD BUDGET for this facility is QUITE ROBUST INDEED and thus YET ANOTHER WAVE after WAVE of-

OLIVER JACKSON-PARTSEEN

FUCK OFF WITH YOUR WAVES, THIS ISN'T CREATURE FROM THE FUCKING BLACK LAGOON DAMMIT

EXT. OUTSIDE THE WARD

Outside it is POURING RAIN, as foreshadowed by a handy NEWS FORECAST earlier!

ELISABETH MOSS

Sweet, I can look for the silhouette of water bouncing off Oliver! Even if his cameras are working I should see a nice clean outline where the rain hits-

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

Or fuck it let's just say my camera-suit now projects any picture anywhere at all, why not. Haha still totes invisible!!

ELISABETH MOSS

Now you're REALLY just cheating. I thought the whole POINT of foreshadowing the storm was-

OLIVER JACKSON-NOTSEEN

Oooo that's it! I'm gonna go kill Storm Reid!

(pause)

Or actually I'm gonna go quickly stage being trapped in my basement while Dorman goes to kill Storm, and I'm assuming you'll somehow kill him first so I can be discovered. It is an odd plan, I'll admit.

OLIVER heads out. ELISABETH despairs but then remembers the earlier comment about how nobody steals cars anymore, and steals a car!

INT. HOUSE OF MOSS

In her bedroom, STORM senses the presence of an INVISIBLE MAN and uses her CHEKHOV'S MACE, but sadly her attacker is more of an IBSEN FAN so it BARELY WORKS!

ALDIS HODGE

(rushing in)

Don't worry I'm here!

(invisi-punched)

Oww! Who did that?! Fuck it, this hallway is tiny enough if I just swing and kick I should connect with SOMEthing-

(does not)

(beaten to pulp)

All seems doomed but ELISABETH appears with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER, SPRAYS the invisible assailant, picks up ALDIS'S GUN and SHOOTS HIM DEAD!

ELISABETH MOSS

That was too quick. For sure the audience knows it's not Oliver now...

Indeed IT IS NOT, it is in fact MICHAEL DORMAN! This reveal activates the spring-loaded OLIVER'S NOT DEAD BUT TRAPPED device, and everything horrible is blamed on MICHAEL.

INT. BACK AT OLIVER'S HOUSE OF EVIL - A WHILE LATER

ELISABETH agrees to have dinner with OLIVER.

OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN

I really appreciate this. I mean I've been in this whole movie without hardly ever getting to show my face, and I've barely had my real name above my lines. So this is nice.

ELISABETH MOSS

You're welcome. Now that it's all over, just between us...

(leans forward)

It was really you did all that evil, right? TESTING ONE, TWO. CHECK. You did all that murder and shit, right? TESTING, CHECK. PUH. PUH.

OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN

(sighs)

Why no, not at all. Strangely I don't feel like giving a full confession right now. But for the audience's sake I'll say that me being truly evil would be quite the... SURPRISE. Good enough?

ELISABETH MOSS

(scans audience expressions)

I think so. Pardon me a moment.

OLIVER sits down to eat his steak but SUDDENLY grabs a KNIFE and SLITS HIS OWN THROAT!!

OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN

Ack! Impressive... using my own tactics... against me! Almost as impressive as how you altered that other camera-suit to fit someone half my size in under ten seconds!

(dies)

ELISABETH MOSS

And thanks for not adjusting any of the security cameras even a little bit since I left, so that I could safely gloat at you juuuust out of their view.

ALDIS HODGE

(rushing in)

So the story is he committed suicide? Because why, he got freed and his wife came back to him?

ELISABETH MOSS

Oh don't sweat it. The crucial thing is now I'm free to team up with Cruise and Luke "Dracula" Evans in HAHAHAHAHAHA RIGHT AS FUCKING IF, but seriously, is it time for another kick at Fantastic Four?

END