FADE IN:

INT. MANGA ROBOTICS

DR. JULIETTE BINOCHE takes an ASIAN GIRL’S BRAIN and puts it into a distinctly NON-ASIAN SCARLETT JOHANSSON robot body GET OUT style.

SCARLETT’S ROBOT SKELETON is dipped in a VAT OF LIQUID MUSCLE and then dunked in a VAT OF LIQUID SKIN, because ROBOTS are made like TWIX BARS.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wait, I’m being dunked in a tub of Westworld milk? So I'm literally being white washed right before everyone's very eyes?

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Okay sure, the racial optics kind of make us look like assholes, but The Major's original character design does look reasonably Caucasian and she is a freakin’ robot after all. It's not exactly "Matt Damon in ancient China" level casting. What a shitstorm THAT would be. So c'mon folks, do we really need to make a big deal about this?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh. Well in that case I suppose not.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Phew! Glad we got that all cleared up!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(pause)

Yeah... but... it's still kinda shitty though. I mean if we’re going to whitify The Major why not just make me a whole new character? Or at least give me a white girl’s brain in order to avoid a painfully awkward scene later where I meet my Asian mother whose first OR second language is clearly not English? And-- hey where the hell are my nipples? Did I misplace them? WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER?!

JULIETTE BINOCHE

When you were Asian you died in a terrorist attack, but we were able to save your brain, or "ghost", and place it in this new robot "shell". Wow, that exposition didn't sound awkward at all. You are now basically immortal, minus never being able to feel, smell, or taste anything ever again. Sounds awesome, right?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(horrified)

Who the hell authorized this? I didn't give my consent! Ooooh boy do you guys have a huge fucking lawsuit on your hands!!

(has memory erased)

Evil company owner PETER FERDINANDO appears with mandatory EVIL PYRAMID HANDS.

PETER FERDINANDO

Scarlett, you work for special police organization Section 9 now. You’re going to become a cop despite having no prior training or aptitude to be one. I own you.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Damn you Peter! She’s a person, not a machine!

PETER FERDINANDO

(actual line)

I don't think of her as a machine. She's a weapon.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Er, a weapon IS a machine, dumbass.

PETER FERDINANDO

Hmm I see someone isn't above biting the hand that feeds them. Remind me to shoot you in the chest later.

(disappears in a puff of hellfire)

EXT. BLADE RUNNER-FIED HONG KONG - 1 YEAR LATER

The city is constructed entirely out of VIRTUAL POP-UP ADS.

Robot salesman MICHAEL WINCOTT meets with some Wakandan businessmen.

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Welcome to the Unnecessarily Terrifying Robots Whose Faces Split Open Corporation! Our top number is Geisha-bots, but we also do animatronics for family-friendly pizza restaurants!

SCARLETT monitors the meeting while standing on a tall building doing her best BATMAN impression. She is also FULLY CLOTHED.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I am? Shit. Let me fix that.

(gets totally naked)

(well, sort of)

What the... why am I covered in puzzle pieces? Wait are these things hot-glued to my body?? What the hell man???

SCARLETT activates her PREDATOR CLOAK and shoots some Asian DERP FACE ROBO-TERRORISTS who are trying to download info from MICHAEL WINCOTT’S BRAIN.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(randomly becomes visible)

Wait I do? Why? Did I forget to charge it? How does this cloaking shit work?

(is being shot at)

I AM?! IF ONLY THEY COULDN’T SEE ME!!!

SCARLETT shoots all the bad guys just as her partner PILOU ASBÆK arrives just in time to do a lot of JACK and even less SHIT.

PILOU ASBÆK

Looks like this hacked Geisha-bot killed Michael Wincott to advance the plot!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Indeed, this Geisha-bot is vital evidence. I had better preserve it by ruthlessly emptying my entire clip into its goddamn face.

GEISHA-BOT

(trembling in fear)

Have mercy... my mind was taken over... please... I don't want to die--

(face is perforated with bullets)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Alright, time to leave this active crime scene and all its clues instead of, you know, investigating. I have more important things to do like work on my badass robot walk.

(awkwardly lurches away)

(randomly becomes invisible)

Oh great NOW it works!

INT. SECTION 9 HQ

SCARLETT meets with her highly skilled, highly indispensable team which consists of PILOU and five or six NOBODIES WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW.

FORGETTABLE TEAM MEMBERS

We have even less personality than the actual robots!

TAKESHI KITANO

Except for me of course! I’m Scarlett’s boss and Wolverine hairstyle enthusiast Takeshi Kitano! And no I won’t bother learning English for these shitty western films I do! Just pretend all my dialog is being dubbed over by the MXC guy.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

So it turns out Michael Pitt is the puppet master behind the cyber attacks. I will find him and I will kill him.

TAKESHI KITANO

Good. And kill my hairdresser while you’re at it.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

On it!

(lumbers away as if one leg were three inches shorter than the other)

INT. ROBO-MORGUE

SCARLETT and PILOU meet robot expert ANAMARIA MARINCA.

ANAMARIA MARINCA

I have an Oculus Rift docking port implanted in my face. Yeah. Kinda makes that genital piercing you got look lame and pathetic in comparison, doesn't it?

(injects entire carton of nicotine directly into her brain stem)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Michael Pitt personally hacked that Geisha-bot so I’ll “Deep Dive” by linking my mind with it to search for clues. Apparently this is super dangerous and could lead to Michael Pitt hacking my sexy Asian brain.

PILOU ASBÆK

(flatly)

No. Stop. It’s too dangerous. You’ll get cyber-herpes.

(opens bag of peanuts)

SCARLETT does the DEEP DIVE into the Geisha-bot’s robo-mind and falls into THE SUNKEN PLACE.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Hmm. I was fully expecting to see just a ton of dicks in here so we're off to a good start.

(falls into a rave...)

Cool, that doesn't sound so bad.

(...from THE MATRIX RELOADED!!!)

PULL ME OUT!!! PULL ME OUT NOW!!!!!

PILOU disconnects SCARLETT from the Geisha-bot!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I... think I got cyber-herpes.

PILOU ASBÆK

Told you!!!

INT. HEAVILY SECURED ROBO-STRIP CLUB

The club is having a special Buy 1 Get 15 Free sale on CRIMINAL ASIAN STEREOTYPES.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I saw this place in the Geisha-bot’s memory. I’ll go undercover in this ugly garbage collector outfit so no one will suspect a thing

(is instantly captured)

PILOU ASBÆK

But luckily I’m here as backup! I’ve also gone undercover to infiltrated the club by dressing up as... myself. Did I even bother leaving my badge and gun behind?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Yes, but one of our forgettable team members handed you some guns through a bathroom window.

PILOU ASBÆK

Really? I’ve seen Quiznos with better security than this place.

Some SHOOTING happens and SCARLETT has an encounter with VIRTUAL MICHAEL PITT who is a CYBERGOTH.

MICHAEL PITT

What?! Hey fuck you man! Just because I have slicked back hair, lots of tattoos, wear dark clothes, am constantly brooding, and won’t shut up about my emotions or the evils of corporate society doesn’t mean AW SHIT I REALLY AM A CYBERGOTH

(cuts self with razor)

MICHAEL’s virtual image disintegrates into millions of SCRABBLE TILES.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

...so we're taking cues from "Pixels"? Actually Peter Dinklage as a killer cyborg would be a huge plus at this point.

Then SCARLETT is hit in the face with an EXPLOSION that also hits PILOU but only damages his EYES... for reasons.

INT. JULIETTE’S LAB

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Scarlett, you got fucked up pretty good so we had to replace all your weird skin panels.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Why do they look like human skin when I'm clothed but kitchen floor tiles from Home Depot when I'm naked?

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Because our business model didn't budget for tits.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

What happened to Pilou?

JULIETTE BINOCHE

We replaced his eyes with bottle caps. Nice ones. From a case of Pilsner I think.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I keep seeing flashes of a memory from my past life.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

They’re glitches. Ignore them.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Are you sure? My instincts tell me they’re going to become a crucial plot point later.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Your instincts are full of shit, ignore them too.

EXT. RED LIGHT DISTRICT

SCARLETT rents a PROSTITUTE wearing a face diaphragm.

PROSTITUTE

Okay listen up, I don’t do foot stuff, I don’t do butt stuff, I don’t do water sports, and if you mess up my hair I’ll cut you.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I just want to touch your face and imagine what it’s like to have a physical connection with a human being.

PROSTITUTE

Uh, okay. That’ll be $200 bucks extra.

Meanwhile...

INT. ROBO-MORGUE

ANAMARIA MARINCA

(killed!)

PILOU ASBÆK

Michael Pitt must be responsible! If only we had some type of clue as to why!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

What about that data disk Anamaria’s got clutched in her vice-like death grip? You're telling me NO ONE thought to check that piece of evidence? No one at all? A real bunch of Chief Wiggums you all are.

PILOU ASBÆK

(reading data on disk)

Turns out Michael is killing all the doctors who experimented on him in a top secret project that turned him into a superhuman anarchist hell bent on revenge!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh no! We have to stop him before he shaves Natalie Portman’s head! But first we better save Juliette too I guess.

EXT. POP-UP AD CITY

MICHAEL PITT takes control of two cyber-rednecks using a PHISHING SCAM and they attack JULIETTE’s car, but SCARLETT saves her and chases down MULLET PUPPET.

MULLET PUPPET

Luckily I’m wearing a Predator invisibly garbage bag poncho! YOU CAN’T SEE ME!

(is still visible)

(turns off Predator Cloak)

Why the fuck does anyone bother using this stupid thing? An umbrella that’s been mauled by a litter of kittens has more functionality than this.

But it turns out SCARLETT’S PREDATOR CLOAK works slightly better and she KICKS HIS ASS with nostalgia from the 1995 anime film.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Where is Michael Pitt?!?!

MULLET PUPPET

(is taken over by Michael)

Michael Pitt was my slave name, you may now call me by my Goth name “Night Misery”. Come find me at my Monk orgy lair.

(applies more dark eye shadow)

(hangs self)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wait, he hung himself? How!? He was in an interrogation room!

TAKESHI KITANO

We restrained him with a noose fastened to the ceiling.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

...

TAKESHI KITANO

Oh sure, it sounds stupid when you say it out loud.

INT. MICHAEL PITT’S LAIR FILLED WITH NAKED DUDES

SCARLETT shoots her way past a dozen tattooed Asian thugs in DIAPERS and manages to dodge another EXPLOSION to the FACE that leads her to MICHAEL PITT.

MICHAEL PITT

(while sifting through Hot Topic clothes rack)

Scarlett, everything you know is a lie. Peter and Juliette made me into a cyborg first, but I refused to be a conformist poser and escaped.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

That doesn’t explain why you have an image from one of my most painful memories tattooed on your chest.

MICHAEL PITT

Bitch I’m emo. Tattooing painful memories on myself is my number one life goal.

(escapes!)

INT. JULIETTE’S LAB

SCARLETT is brought in and strapped to a DEATH TABLE.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Peter, Scarlett knows we illegally kidnapped her and placed her Asian brain in this orificeless Real Doll body. What do we do?

PETER FERDINANDO

Well we could simply wipe her memory again and start over, but instead I’d much rather flush billions of dollars down the toilet by murdering Scarlett with these I Robot nanites.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

But why? Isn’t Scarlett a one of a kind success? Won’t we have to brain-snatch like a dozen more people in order to get another working android cop? Did your investors agree to this?

PETER FERDINANDO

Look, it’s obvious Michael Pitt is too much of a candyass Goth nerd to be the real villain so I’m taking over despite the audience having totally forgotten who I was T minus 10 seconds after having seen me. Now I want you to kill Scarlett because I'm too much of a chickenshit to do it myself.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Ha! Instead I’ve injected her with memory juice and set her free! Wait, aren't I supposed to remind you to shoot me in the chest errk!

(killed!)

PETER FERDINANDO

It’s a good thing I have another equally qualified robot expert working for me or else I’m fucked OOOOOOOOOH SHIT

INT. ASIAN HOUSING PROJECT

SCARLETT meets her ASIAN MOM.

ASIAN MOM

Oh you such pretty white gurl. You so pretty. I invite you in my apahment even though you stranger. I tell you all about my daughter, you like. I speak good engrish.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Jesus. Maybe we shouldn’t have given the emotionally important dialog to the character with an accent heavier than 12 elephants on top of a T-Rex.

EXT. OLD BURNED DOWN GOTH HANGOUT

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Hey this is the place from my memory when I was an emo Asian chick and Peter’s goons nabbed me!

MICHAEL PITT

Me too! Wait, were we dating? I really hope we got to smash at least once before they put me in this Ken doll body.

Suddenly ED-209 appears and hits SCARLETT in the face with an explosion for the THIRD DAMN TIME but somehow it only damages MICHAEL.

PETER FERDINANDO

Take that Scarlett! I plan to blow you up with my remote controlled spider tank!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Really? A giant mechanical spider? I didn’t realize we were leasing props from Wild Wild West. I hate you Peter! You ruined my life!

PETER FERDINANDO

And I also convinced Kevin Feige to bail on your solo Black Widow movie!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Ohhh I am talking to a dead man!!!

SCARLETT is hit in the face with YET ANOTHER explosion, but this one simply blows all her CLOTHES OFF.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Now to jump on top of the tank and rip out its controls with my rippling android muscles!

(rips herself apart)

Huh? I wish someone had told me my arms were made out of rubber bands.

SCARLETT is hit in the face with YET STILL ANOTHER HARMLESS EXPLOSION to THE FACE.

MICHAEL PITT

Is it just me or does this action sequence seem about as exciting as a heroin withdraw compared to the animated movie?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

That's kind of what happens when you cut out all the nudity, language, and existential themes from the original that would make people actually care because we obviously learned nothing from the shitty RoboCop remake. Instead we got stuck with bland copy and paste action sequences and a lame ass V For Vendetta revenge plot.

MICHAEL PITT

Yeah, well, at least I got to stare at your semi-nude robo-booty for 2 hours. DAT ASSSSSSS!!!!

(dies!)

Meanwhile TAKESHI confronts PETER in his weirdo garden office and shoots him in his smug face because WEIRDO GARDEN OFFICE.

TAKESHI KITANO

Who needs due process when a loaded gun cuts through all the red tape? So Scarlett, your robot shell has been repaired and you’ve been reinstated. Happy?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Sure, as soon as Peter’s company settles my billion dollar lawsuit for damages. Then maybe I can afford to buy some fucking nipples.

END