FADE IN:

INT. THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES OF DISTRICT 9

We open on DOCUMENTARY-STYLE FOOTAGE of people being INTERVIEWED, because that has NEVER HAPPENED in a NEILL BLOMKAMP MOVIE BEFORE.

SOME GUY

I am shocked at what occurred nine months ago.

EXT. JOHANNESBURG, NINE MONTHS AGO

Afrikaans rap-rave group DIE ANTWOORD is fleeing the FASHION POLICE in their MYSTERY MACHINE, endangering the lives of COUNTLESS INNOCENT CIVILIANS. They arrive at their HIDEOUT to find BRANDON AURET and his GANG are waiting.

BRANDON AURET

Greetings, Ninja, Yolandi, Jose Pablo Cantillo, and Redshirt. It seems that last crime you all committed didn't quit go as planned.

NINJA

Yeah, that little non-specific armed robbery we just pulled couldn't have gone any worse. Nor could the drive home, as a matter of fact. I mean, we weren't being chased or anything. It was kind of inexcusable for me to drive like a goddam psycho just then.

YOLANDI VISSER

Also we don't have your money.

BRANDON AURET

How unfortunate, since I require it at exactly this moment, not ten seconds after you attempted a deadly heist and then tore hell down a crowded highway.

JOSE PABLO CANTILLO

Well, you seem like a reasonable sort, so we'll just-

BRANDON AURET

(shoots Redshirt)

NINJA

A firm negotiator, I see.

BRANDON AURET

(sticking his gun down NINJA's throat)

I'm going to give you crust punks exactly one week to give me 20 million of whatever South Africa uses for money or I'm going to apartheid your heads from your bodies.

YOLANDI VISSER

You can rely on us, Mr. Auret!

NINJA

Yeah, that last fuck up was certainly a one time deal!

ROBOTS ATTACK!

NINJA

As was that rampage down the highway in plain view of police helicopters. Run!

Everyone tries SHOOTING the METAL POLICE ROBOTS with GUNS that shoot METAL BULLETS. It does NOT WORK. But then BRANDON pulls a BAZOOKA out of his ass and POPS one RANDOM ROBOT. DIE ANTWOORD escapes!

NINJA

Okay, so, we are the worst criminals of all time, with an army of Robocops on our asses, and we owe a human gorilla 20 million South African moneys. If anyone's got an ingenious plan, now's the time.

YOLANDI VISSER

Okay, wait, hear me out. The Robocops are just like a television, right? And like TV's, they must have controls that turn them off. So we need to find the guy who has the robots' remote control, and use it to turn them off.

NINJA

That's ingenious! Seriously, I'm sure no one in the entire criminal underground of Johannesburg has EVER thought of TURNING OFF the robotic stormtroopers that hound them at every turn.

JOSE PABLO CANTILLO

Yeah, we're always too busy wasting bullets on their impervious metal chassis to consider finding the off switch. I'm sure these hyper-advanced AI drones are exactly like televisions in every respect. Bravo, Yolandi.

INT. EVIL ROBOT INC.

GENIUS ROBOTEER DEV PATEL is dicking around with MATH.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Good job on that last raid, Dev. As CEO of this evil corporation, I feel it is my duty to congratulate you on the efficiency of your robo-murderers. They managed to kill almost five extras and scored zero arrests, and it only cost us one incredibly expensive murderbot.

DEV PATEL

About that, I was wondering, is there a chance I would take that mangled robot carcass home instead of letting your scrap him? I'd like to do some research.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Re...search? What is this "re-search" you speak of?

DEV PATEL

Uh, it's where I try to make the robot cops even better than they are now. Using science.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Pfft, research. What kind of CEO would I be if I allowed my star employee to perform research into his own incredibly successful project on his own time? No, I'm sorry, the Robocops are perfect the way they are and should never be improved in any way.

HUGH JACKMAN

Speaking of research, ma'am, I was wondering if you'd allow me to work on my monstrous, bipedal deathbots too. They're human controlled, which means they'll be far safer in case Dev's bots should ever get corrupted by viruses or hacked by South African ravers-

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Human-controlled murder drones?! Now I've heard EVERYTHING! Hahaha, stick to blasting your pecs, Huge Jackedman, leave the sciencing to nerds like Dev.

DEV PATEL

Whom you won't allow to actually perform science.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Exactly. Now I'm going to leave this slightly scuffed up murderbot body lying right here, unguarded, with no cameras pointing at it, until it can be scrapped sometime next weekend. Dev, don't even think about stuffing it in that weirdly huge van you have and taking it home. I'm serious.

DEV PATEL

(sighing)

Okay.

But about ten seconds later, DEV hauls the MURDERBOT into his VAN and gets DRIVING. He is stopped by DIE ANTWOORD!

NINJA

DO YOU SCIENCE!?! DO YOU!?!

DEV PATEL

Oh god! No! I've never scienced in my life!!

YOLANDI VISSER

Look at his glasses! He lies! He liessssss!!!!

They kidnap DEV!

INT. DIE HIDEOUT OF DIE ANTWOORD

NINJA

Alright, nerdy boy, get sciencing. We need this robot to be our perfect killing machine ASAP to help us pull off a 20 million something heist in the next week or we're toast.

DEV PATEL

Well you're kind of screwed. This particular bot has a battery that will only last a few days, and it cannot be replaced due to his damage, nor can he be plugged into a wall socket because I am a shitty designer.

NINJA

But you can still turn him into a hardcore killer, right?

DEV PATEL

If by "hardcore killer" you mean "Lenny from Of Mice and Men", then definitely.

DEV installs a SOUL into the murderbot, causing it to PISS ITSELF and HIDE IN TERROR.

YOLANDI VISSER

Aww, he's cute. I'm gonna name him "Sharlto Copley". Also, I love him now.

NINJA

Wow, do you get this attached to all your appliances this quickly? I'm morbidly curious about what your relationship is with Siri.

DEV PATEL

Brilliant! My experiment was a complete success! I've officially made this robot far worse at the job it's designed to do!

NINJA

So how the fuck is he supposed to help us now?

DEV PATEL

Well, he's like a child now, so you're going to have to teach him literally everything in the next five days before he becomes scrap.

NINJA

And why exactly did you write a program that could teach a robot the joys of consciousness mere days before cruelly taking it away?

DEV PATEL

Because something something evolution something something science.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

I-I-Idiot.....

DEV PATEL

Awww, his first word!

NINJA lets his HOSTAGE go HOME for some reason, and allows SHARLTO to wander around freely, experiencing such CULTURAL ACHIEVEMENTS as HE-MAN: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE and MILK (the beverage, not the movie).

NINJA

Okay, that's enough wide-eyed fascination with the world we adults take for granted. Son, it's time for you to learn something useful. Here, take this gat and pop those beer bottles like they was rolling all up on your turf.

SHARLTO FAILS at SHOOTING.

NINJA

You're a failure and a disappointment.

YOLANDI VISSER

It's okay, Sharlto, your father's only rough because he loves you. Here, let's work on another essential skill, like painting.

SHARLTO SUCCEEDS at PAINTING.

NINJA

Dammit woman, I'm trying to toughen the boy up. How's he ever going to succeed in this economy with an art degree?

YOLANDI VISSER

Oh hush now. You need to let him express himself. You're too hard on the boy.

NINJA

And you're practically breastfeeding him. I don't know if you've forgotten about the whole money-owing subplot, but we need this guy to be way more Iron Man and way less Johnny 5.

YOLANDI VISSER

But he's cuuuute!

NINJA

Fuck this. Sharlto, I'm sending you to military school. And by military school I mean

(dumps SHARLTO in the fucking GHETTO)

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

...M....Mor....on....

YOLANDI VISSER

Aww, he said daddy's name!

INT. EVIL ROBOT INC. (A TIME WARNER COMPANY)

HUGH JACKMAN is talking to DEV.

HUGH JACKMAN

Hey there, Dev my man! How's it hanging? Funny how that police robot disappeared yesterday just as you left the office, huh?

DEV PATEL

Yeah, that was a weird little coincidence, wasn't it?

HUGH JACKMAN

Sure was! It also kind of sucks that my projects keep getting defunded in favor of yours, too.

DEV PATEL

Yeah, well, it's not like it's doing me any good. And anyway, that's just the nature of working for a large corporation. Sometimes you win, sometimes you-

HUGH JACKMAN

(plants DEV's face into his desk and shoves a gun into his cheek)

Alright, slumdog, listen up. I know you stole that fucking robot and I want it back so I can prove my monstrous, impractical, human-controlled robots are better than your tiny, crappily-designed, AI-controlled robots. You stay out of my way, you got that?

(removes gun, turns on Hugh Jackman charm)

Just kidding! LOL! Classic Hugh, am I right? Pulling a gun on a co-worker in the middle of the office during the workday!

DEV PATEL

Yeah, real goddam funny. Seriously, fuck yourself with your own wolverine claws. I'm reporting your ass to HR.

HUGH goes and finds SHARLTO, who's been BEATEN UP by THUGS and has found solace with a STRAY DOG.

HUGH JACKMAN

Here boy, come here, don't worry about the enormous EMP cannon I'm leveling at you at just this moment...

HUGH blasts SHARLTO with an EMP CANNON, deactivating him. He loads him into a TRUCK and begins TORTURING him with a BUZZSAW.

HUGH JACKMAN

Alright, one Innocence-ectomy coming right up. Keep still, Sharlto, this will only hurt incredibly a lot.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

...W...Why....?

HUGH JACKMAN

Because you need to learn about man's inhumanity towards man, even though you have more in common with Microsoft Sam than an actual human being.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

No, I mean why the hell am I conscious for this? Why does your EMP cannon only deactivate robots for minutes at a time? Why not just yank out my battery pack, permanently killing me, instead of keeping me awake so you can torture a toaster oven, giving me the chance to-

(escapes)

HUGH JACKMAN

Damn, if only I'd tied him down, or locked the truck door, or followed him. In my truck. Oh well. I think I proved my point. Plus I got his little AI chip which apparently changes Sharlto's functionality in no way, but will give me the upper hand in my scheme to sell robots somehow. Everything's coming up Hugh!

SHARLTO stumbles back to the ANTWOORD CAVE, where he is comforted by YOLANDI.

YOLANDI VISSER

Ninja, you're a fucking idiot. Look. Now our robot's traumatized and missing an arm.

NINJA

(actual line)

I didn't know this would happen.

YOLANDI VISSER

Yeah, you just thought those thugs you dumped an infantile police robot onto were going to have a few harsh words about economic inequality and then go on their merry way.

NINJA

Basically, yeah.

JOSE PABLO CANTILLO

Well luckily we just so happen to have a spare arm lying around. Here you go buddy. Good as new.

YOLANDI VISSER

If only mental trauma were as easy to cure as dismemberment.

NINJA

Well, I could always teach him some badass gangster skills and turn him into an angry little psychopath instead.

YOLANDI VISSER

Perfect!

SHARLTO spends some time STEALING CARS for NINJA, displaying SUPER ROBOT STRENGTH that would have been very useful when he was getting TORTURED by HUGH earlier on.

INT. HELL

NINJA and JOSE go to see some more GANGSTERS to sell all the CARS. They let SHARLTO watch a DOG FIGHT while they talk.

NINJA

That's a dead dog, Sharlto. It was brutally murdered by another dog not moments ago for the entertainment of some scary ass gangsters. It is dead, much like you will be in a few days.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Why the fuck would you tell me that?

NINJA

I figured you were old enough to learn how life really works. Hell, when I was your age I was already braiding my own rat tail. You can't rely on anyone is the point.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

I....die....?

NINJA

Yeah. Unless you keep helping us do crimes. Then I can totally buy you a new body. Because I, a man who's done nothing but exploit and torment you in the days you've existed on this earth, am a much better father than Dev, that guy who's shown you nothing but fascination and love every time you've seen him.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Let's kick some ass.

DEV reappears at the hideout of his KIDNAPPERS bearing a RUBBER CHICKEN.

DEV PATEL

Hey, Sharlto! I brought you a new toy. See! It's a chicken. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

(putting on eyeliner)

Pfft, whatever.

DEV PATEL

Come on, let's go paint. Or catch a ball game. Wanna throw the old pigskin around in the park sometime?

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

(gets tramp stamp)

Ugh, you're so uncool.

DEV PATEL

Sharlto, I'm not sure I approve of this rebellious new you.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

(smokes at the mall while wearing a Hot Topic tank top)

Stop trying to connect with me. I'm a grownup now, I can make my own decisions.

DEV PATEL

That's it, go to your room!

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

You're not my REAL dad!!!

SHARLTO runs away crying.

DEV PATEL

Jesus, what did you fuckers do to my robot?

NINJA

I'm just trying to toughen him up a bit. You know, get his ass in gear, no pun intended.

DEV PATEL

I'm reporting your asses to CPS.

Meanwhile, HUGH is about to enact his MASTER PLAN.

HUGH JACKMAN

Alright, first I just have to sneak into the heavily guarded building that houses the Robocops.

(just walks right the fuck in)

Cool, now I need to hack the no doubt incredibly well protected mainframe that controls literally all police drones.

(presses like five buttons)

Brilliant! Now everyone will see how useless and easily broken Dev's robots are, allowing me to flood the market with my human controlled robots, which can't be corrupted by hackers and have actual humans guiding them instead of spotty AI, which means real people will be held accountable for the actions of these robots instead of morally dubious, easily hackable AI slaves. Seriously, why am I bad guy again?

(deactivates all the police robots in Johannesburg, causing an instantaneous bloody uprising of criminals)

Oh right. That.

At just this moment, DEV appears, dragging a deactivated SHARLTO. HUGH hides.

DEV PATEL

Come on, Sharlto, you can't die yet! You have to die in like 48 hours, as God intended.

He plugs SHARLTO into a BULLSHIT MACHINE, reviving him!

DEV PATEL

Well that was easy. We should really deploy some of these computers in the field, just in case police robots get deactivated on the job. I mean this thing worked wonders on a drastically modified, completely defective model, if our normal police bots had these nearby them they'd be unstoppable.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Yay! I'm alive!

DEV PATEL

Yes! For like two more days!

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Fuck you so hard, Dev. Seriously.

DEV PATEL

Look, I'm sorry I brought you into existence just to suffer and die. This is the true nature of humanity. We all have our time on this earth, however brief, and we must make the most of it.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Or I could use one of Hugh's robot-controlling helmets to copy my consciousness into a new body!

DEV PATEL

I... yeah.... I mean, you know, I guess.

SHARLTO goes home and DOWNLOADS his COMPUTER BRAIN using a helmet designed for HUMAN BRAINS, uploading a backup copy of his SOUL.

NINJA

You've done well, my boy. Care to pull off one last needlessly violent heist with your old man?

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Sure thing dad!

They go and blow up an ARMORED CAR in BROAD DAYLIGHT on a CROWDED HIGHWAY in FULL VIEW of NEWS CHOPPERS.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

So now you can buy me a new body, yes?

NINJA

Urk, I hate to tell you this, buddy, but no. We can't get you a new body.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

You can't or you won't?

NINJA

(shrugs)

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

So you're telling me you DON'T want to snatch another robot corpse and put a copy of my consciousness into it using the robo-helmets, thereby having an immortal robot who's eternally indebted to you?

JOSE PABLO CANTILLO

And you couldn't have waited to tell him this until we got home? Or even better, just NOT TOLD HIM AT ALL and let him live out his remaining day of existence in blissful ignorance?

NINJA

In my defense, everything I've done in this movie has been incredibly short-sighted, self-serving, and incompetent.

SHARLTO beats the SHIT OUT OF HIM.

INT. OFFICE

HUGH JACKMAN

(pointing at television)

Look at that there, Sigourney. You see? Dev's creepy experiments with artificial consciousness have caused a lone robot to go rogue and commit crimes with a gang of what appear to be the Red Hot Chili Peppers as drawn by Andy Warhol. You should scrap the entire program immediately.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Dammit! I knew our doom would come from the R&D department! Swear to god, I'm never letting anyone "research" anything ever again. Hugh, I'm waving my magic wand over you to make you immune to all laws. I want that robot dead. Do literally anything to make sure that one tiny robot gets destroyed.

HUGH JACKMAN

You won't regret this!

INT. DIE HIDEOUT

DEV meets up with SHARLTO and the BAND at their HIDEOUT.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

No. Before you even say a word. Fuck you and you and you and you. I don't give a shit. You're an asshole for programming me, and all of you are assholes for manipulating me into committing crimes. Fuck this shit, I'm finding a dog to hang out with.

DEV PATEL

You're gonna have to wait on that. It looks like your gangster buddy is back.

BRANDON AURET

Sup, you walking acid trips. I'm here for my money, and also your robot, and also your deaths, preferably in that order.

(is squashed by Hugh Jackman's robot)

HUGH JACKMANBOT

Sup, you offspring of Marilyn Manson and a Sally's Beauty Supply catalogue. Me and my Metal Gear here want nothing more than to turn you all into un-arrestable chunks of protoplasm. Much like normal police officers would.

HUGH begins LEVELING the HIDEOUT with AIR-TO-SURFACE MISSILES and a PNEUMATIC, 3000 RPM MINIGUN, both of which would be very useful when fighting an ARMED INSURRECTION of IMMORTAL TERRORISTS in SHERMAN TANKS led by GODZILLA covered in DIAMOND ARMOR and less so for PATROLLING LOCAL NEIGHBORHOODS and SCHOOLS, like POLICE have to do.

NINJA

Okay guys, it's time I do literally one thing that isn't completely, pointlessly selfish and shortsighted. You all drive away, I'll hold him off with my peashooter.

DEV PATEL

(gets shot)

YOLANDI VISSER

(gets shot)

JOSE PABLO CANTILLO

(gets chopped in fucking half)

NINJA

(is fucking fine)

Can't blame a guy for trying.

But SHARLTO suddenly opens his BADASS HARD DRIVE and checks the folder labeled FUCK YEAH so he can run ASSKICKING.EXE. He blows HUGH's ROBOT right the FUCK UP.

DEV PATEL

Good job, Sharlto! Now quick, drive me to a hospital! I'm gut shot, it hurts but I should last at least a few hours, if we hurry-

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Or I could upload your brain into an awesome robot body!

DEV PATEL

Or you could drive me to a goddam hospital, where I'm very likely to make a full recovery after some surgery and physical therapy.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

OR YOU COULD BE A ROBOT!

DEV PATEL

Fuck.

They drive to the ROBOT HEADQUARTERS and meet HUGH JACKMAN.

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh shit he's here! Metal bullets, don't fail me now!

(shoots Sharlto, accomplishing nothing)

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

It seems you're trying to die. Would you like help?

SHARLTO chases HUGH into the MAIN OFFICE and BEATS the ADAMANTIUM SKELETON out of him in full view of several TERRIFIED OFFICE WORKERS, which will no doubt do WONDERS for HUMAN/ROBOT RELATIONS in the COMING MONTHS.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Okay Dev, it's time to robotify you. Any last words?

DEV PATEL

I regret literally everything.

SHARLTO uploads DEV into a ROBOT BODY, which is a PERFECT SUCCESS (after a firmware update and a quick restart and like 20 minutes waiting for the latest version of iTunes to download, fucking Macs, I mean Jesus I just want to check Facebook already).

DEV PATEL

Awesome! I'm a robot! Beep boop boop beep!

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Hey, you can't make those jokes, only WE can make those jokes.

DEV PATEL

Okay, well, let's use Hugh's brain helmet to upload your consciousness into a new body. This idea literally just occurred to me. I am not smart.

INT. THE ENDING OF DISTRICT 9

Deep in the SHANTY TOWN SLUMS of JOHANNESBURG, SHARLTO COPLEY ponders his NEW EXISTENCE as a MISUNDERSTOOD FUGITIVE in a NON-HUMAN BODY, because that has NEVER HAPPENED in a NEILL BLOMKAMP MOVIE BEFORE.

SHARLTO COPLEYBOT

Much like Baymax, and WALL-E, and Data, and Johnny 5, and the Iron Giant, and Samantha from Her, and David from A.I., and Sonny from I, Robot, and Andrew from Bicentennial Man, and the Terminator in the second Terminator movie and sort of the third, I have grasped the nature of humanity to an even greater degree than the humans who look down on me. Truly this existence is a fragile and precious thing.

(uploads Yolandi's brain into a robot body)

Or maybe EVERYONE CAN BE ROBOTS INSTEAD.

END