EXT. SALEM 1653

16-year-old YOUNG BETTE MIDLER is unsurprisingly, a LITTLE NIGHTMARE around town. She talks to her sisters, YOUNG SARAH JESSICA PARKER and YOUNG KATHY NAJIMY.

YOUNG BETTE

Sis-TAHS! I come baring unfortunate news. I was told that now that I am 16, I and OLD and will be forced to marry an older man and become a tradwife!

YOUNG KATHY

(pulls out phone)

(checks reddit)

Huh, I guess some things never change.

The sisters get paid a visit by Reverand TONY HALE.

REVERAND TONY HALE

Listen kid, it’s enjoyable watching you play young Bette Midler, with those adorable, freakishly inhuman buck teeth. Not to mention Young Kathy, with that silly lip thing. And Young Sarah, you make a lovely little ditz. But the time has come! Agree to marry the lanky ginger boy in town, or be banished from Salem!

YOUNG BETTE

Never! I’m marrying Young Doug Jones. He and I shared one kiss, therefore we are soulmates forever and ever!

YOUNG SARAH

Oh, right. You’re a 16-year-old girl. Guess some things never change.

The girls send the town into a frenzy with some HUMONGOUS SPIDER FROM AUSTRALIA OR SOMETHING. They run into the woods where they hear the “Come little children” song, and meet Mother Witch HANNAH WADDINGHAM.

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Yes, t’was my song that inspired this endeavor. I charmed young Sarah, who would eventually grow up and sing this in 1993 to charm the children in the town. Now, I personally didn’t do it in an inadvertently sexual way, but ya know, whatevs...

YOUNG BETTE

Oh, like you DON'T charm youngsters? We’ve all seen Ted Lasso, lady.

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Irrelevant! But thou art different from other children aren’t you? You don’t have any magical glowy hands, but I can tell you’re a witch! And your sisters... yeah fine, they’re witches too. Here, take my magical spell book. The kind so special I give away freely to strangers.

YOUNG KATHY

o0o0oh, look sis! Thou happened to open up to the page of the Magicae Maxima spell, the most powerful spell ever! Certainly this will become an important plot point later.

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

NO! You must never use that spell!

YOUNG SARAH

But, like, why thou? You gave us the book as is. If you didn’t want anyone using that spell surely thou would have torn out the page-

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Why? Because I am Mother Witch, and BECAUSE I SAID SO. Now go to your room. And there will be no Nintendo and no dinosaur chicken nuggies tonight!

EXT. SALEM 2022

WHITNEY PEAK arrives at school to meet her good friend and fellow magic lover, BELISSA ESCOBEDO. They talk to their estranged friend LILIA BUCKINGHAM.

LILIA BUCKINGHAM

Hey Whitney! What are you doing for your 16th birthday? The same magic crap you’ve done for the past few years that I should have guessed? Oh gosh, I’m so enamored with my new jock boyfriend and his popular friends that I’ve completely forgotten!

WHITNEY PEAK

Ah yes, the old “friends divided because of one of them has the chance to join the popular kids” thing. Let me guess, we’ll learn that popularity is fleeting and that the real power is that of true friendship? How cliche.

BELISSA ESCOBEDO

Is it? Honestly, even after decades of this lesson being told, many teenagers still don’t know it.

INT. MAGIC SHOP. IN A VERY FAMILIAR COTTAGE...

While LILIA goes off with the CTE SUFFERER her boyfriend, WHITNEY and BELISSA go to the Magic Shop to watch SAM RICHARDSON tell a crowd the story of Halloween 1993.

SAM RICHARDSON

Behold! We are in the very same cottage of the Midler sisters! The same ones that killed Emily Binx 300 years ago.

WHITNEY PEAK

Ohh riiiight. Isn't it funny how we used to make lighthearted kids movies about children being tortured and killed? Not to mention the obsession over virginity, forcing parents all over the world into uncomfortable conversations with their kids.

SAM RICHARDSON

AHEM, and unlike our two main characters here, I have a specific reason why I love magic and these witches in particular. You see, I was there that fateful night in 1993 when they came back to Salem!

BELISSA ESCOBEDO

Oh neat, what’s the story behind this? Something significant I bet!

SAM RICHARDSON

Well... they kinda just flew over me and I thought it was cool. But I’ve dedicated my life to preserving their cottage and preserving their legacy!

RANDOM DUDE

You're a hack! I bet you don't even like this stuff. You took their cottage and turned it into a tourist trap, just to sell bullshit to the public!

SAM RICHARDSON

Well, yeah, I'm a businessman after all. I'm just trying to make a buck.

(pause)

A-buck-a-buck-a-buck!

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

SAM gives WHITNEY a WEIRD CANDLE for her birthday. While in the woods, she and BELISSA say an incantation, and the candle sparks uncontrollably like a firework!

WHITNEY PEAK

Cool. This ugly, odd shaped thing was a prank candle. Sam, you dick.

BELISSA ESCOBEDO

Wait, look, it’s actually a regular candle... with a black flame? And it’s lit by a sixteen year old under a full moon on Halloween night? Well thank Satan you told everyone you hooked up with your date for the homecoming dance. Otherwise, we could have brought back the Midler sisters!

WHITNEY PEAK

Umm... yeah, I might have lied about that... theres so much pressure to be cool... you know how high school is!

BELISSA ESCOBEDO

YOU BITCH!

Out out the earthquakes, thunder and lightning comes BETTE MIDLER, SARAH JESSICA PARKER, and KATHY NAJIMY!

BETTE MIDLER

Hello Salem! We’re baaaackkk! Allow us to perform Elton John’s “The Witches are Back”. Because witches from Salem are nothing without their over the top, Broadway-style singing!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Let us thank thee for chickening out with that boy after the Homecoming dance. We know I would not have!

KATHY NAJIMY

And hell, let’s do the same plot of the last movie where we lure children to their demise to keep our looks. All the while being easily tricked because we’re dumb and clumsy!

WHITNEY PEAK

Keep your looks? What are you even worried about? You three look pretty much the same as you did 30 years ago. It’s quite odd and even a little impressive.

The girls TRICK the witches and take them to the 21st century APOTHECARY a.k.a WALLGREENS where they drink NEUTROGENA FACE CREAM and take selfies with INSTAGRAM FILTERS. But, alas, they realize it doesn’t actually make them younger, it’s all a hoax!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

But definitely still come to Wallgreens for all your beauty needs!

They fly off on a broom, a SWIFFER WET JET, and some ROOMBAS. HAHA, get it? It’s that bit from the last movie, just more modern! Betcha this won’t get old.

INT. THE MIDLER SISTERS’ HOUSE

They throw WHITNEY and BELISSA in the dungeon, then find flyers with TONY HALE on them.

BETTE MIDLER

Aha! It’s the descendent of that puritan asswipe that banished us from Salem all those years ago. He’s running for Mayor! For this, I say we do the Magicae Maxima spell!

BOOK resists!

KATHY NAJIMY

Yes, because Book has opinions apparently. And he’s right! Mother witch said to never use that spell. There’s even a warning on the page itself!

BETTE MIDLER

You imbecile, who reads warnings? I run alongside public pools. I use heavy machinery while on Ambien. I use Plan B as my only source of contraception. Warnings are for LOSERS!

SAM RICHARDSON

Not saaayying I want this to happen, but c’mon ladies! Why don’t you just kill your enemies with your magical powers? Not only Tony, but Whitney and Belissa too. Why all the waiting and the drama? I HATE drama.

BETTE MIDLER

My dear, thou must know what though art saying is a tell. Those who make it a point to proclaim that they don’t like drama, not only relish in it, but more often than not, START IT THEMSELVES!

They BIND SAM to a magical contract that FORCES him to get the ingredients for the MAGICAE MAXIMA spell, lest he face CERTAIN DEATH.

SAM RICHARDSON

Huh, with all the knowledge I have about these witches, and all the trinkets I kept for them, I should have seen this coming. Also, not only did I make another black flame candle, but I gave it to a friend of mine, knowing she was into witchcraft and that she was a virgin, thus making her the witches’ target. All because I was interested in seeing them again. Maybe Whitney is right. I am a dick.

SAM gets all the ingredients, because every all powerful, forbidden spell requires ingredients that are easily obtainable in a half mile radius. The last thing he needs is the head of a lover, so he digs up DOUG JONES, the zombie guy!

DOUG JONES

At least I contribute to the plot somewhat. I'm just one step above being shoehorned in solely for nostalgia purposes. Like Sam's black cat that doesn't talk.

INT. HALLOWEEN FESTIVAL

The witches get confused with DRAG QUEENS. They then take the stage to perform a musical number to bewitch the crowd into finding TONY for them.

KATHY NAJIMY

Ok, I've got to be honest. I’ve been very nervous about this movie, like something extremely cringe is going to happen. I'm getting visions of Liza Minelli singing "Single Ladies" in my head. Please tell me we’re not going sing a Cardi B song or something to fit in with today’s youth.

BETTE MIDLER

Not to worry, we sing “One Way or Another”. See? Not so terrible.

KATHY NAJIMY

Oh thank God. No offense Bette but if I had to see you twerking I would have killed myself.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

I know we chose the Blondie song because we could fit the “Ah say ento pi, alpha mabi upendi” part in it, but is anyone else sick of hearing this song in every other piece of media?

They enchant the crowd to find TONY, but then scare the village idiot a.k.a. LILIA’s dummy boyfriend. He leads the witches right to her house!

EXT. TONY HALE’S HOUSE

WHITNEY and BELISSA escape to find LILIA. But not before calling TONY and RATTING HER OUT for throwing a party.

LILIA BUCKINGHAM

How the fuck did you escape the witches’ dungeon?

BELISSA ESCOBEDO

Angelica leaves of course!

LILIA BUCKINGHAM

(googles)

...the herb that cures indigestion, rheumatoid arthritis, and excessive urination at night?

BELISSA ESCOBEDO

Evidently it also conjures up a set of stairs! It also helps that since Whitney turned 16 she has glowy hands now, which means she’s a witch!

LILIA BUCKINGHAM

This movie’s lore is as deep as a puddle. But whatever, you won’t find my dad here. After he grounded me, he decided the more pressing issue was to go back to the festival and get his favorite caramel apple.

At the festival, TONY gets swarmed by the enchanted, dancing FLASH MOB. Once they find him, the spell breaks and they all, like, go home or whatever.

TONY HALE

The mob took my caramel apple! My daughter just threw a party at my house where underage drinking, drugs use, and sexual activity involving minors may have occurred, all during my Mayoral re-election campaign. But no, the theft of my caramel apple IS THE WORST THING EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!

TONY arrives at his home, to find the witches trapped within a circle of salt in his garage!

BETTE MIDLER

We would very much like to kill you, Tony. Not only are you the descendant of the man who probably led to us being killed, but recently you were talking some shit about us in a book you wrote. Truly unforgivable!

TONY HALE

Ya know, I could address all of this, but instead I still chose to bitch about my caramel apple. Let’s all walk away, leaving these witches alone, trusting that the circle of salt will be enough to hold them.

IT ISN’T. The ROOMBAS followed them to TONY’S house, sucking up the salt circle!

BETTE MIDLER

We will now abandon the idea of killing Tony, and abduct his bloodline, Lilia, because it’s imperative to the part of the plot involving our teenage cast!

EXT. FORBIDDEN WOOD. I MEAN, IT’S PROBABLY NOT FORBIDDEN ANYMORE BUT IT WAS BACK THEN.

The witches dump LILIA next to SAM who has all the ingredients.

SAM RICHARDSON

What if I tried to blow out the black flame candle? Maybe it will kill them!

DOUG JONES’ HEAD

Seriously, dude, it only goes out when the sun rises. You really don’t know anything about these witches or their magic, do you?

They begin the MAGICAE MAXIMA spell!

WHITNEY PEAK

NO! Time to stop you with my new found powers! Zappy zappy!

Turns out all the witches have zappy powers!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Wait, why are we shocked to have these lightning powers? Did Whitney give them to us?

KATHY NAJIMY

Eh, it's probably because we didn't see shit this 30 years ago. Let's play around with our cool, 21st Century VFX for a bit, while accomplishing nothing!

They DO. Then WHITNEY convinces BOOK to go with her instead of BETTE!

BETTE MIDLER

HOW HORRIBLE! I’m so overwhelmed with grief that I will continue to stand here and not chase after her or just kill her instantly because I’m an all powerful witch!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

It’s okay, apparently you know the spell by heart and don’t need Book at all.

BETTE MIDLER

Oh. Cool.

BETTE finishes the spell!

WHITNEY PEAK

Aha! You didn’t read the warning though! This spell takes away what you value most. And it comes at a narratively convenient time, no less!

BETTE MIDLER

Oh, no... but that would mean...

(dramatic pause)

MY YOUTH! I mean, right? That makes sense? Our whole thing is about being evil witches who kill and eat children to maintain a youthful appearance?

KATHY NAJIMY

Umm, with all due respect, we're not exactly as young as we were in the first movie...

BETTE MIDLER

Crap. Guess we'll have to make this ending about love or something.

So yeah, in the end, BETTE values her sisters most of all. SARAH and KATHY VAPORIZE into sparkly dust, which breaks BETTE'S heart. WHITNEY does another spell that reunites BETTE with them in the afterlife.

SAM RICHARDSON

That kinda sucked. It would have been funny to see the spell turn these shallow, insecure witches into 300 year old crones, kinda like Doug over here. They would have hated that.

DOUG JONES’ HEAD

And I just want to let everyone know, I was NOT Bette's lover like the legend says. We shared one kiss and that’s it! And I guess it must have been the Madonna/Drake kiss of the 1600s because it sounds like I hated it.

WHITNEY PEAK

Buddy, the spell called for a head of a lover. If you weren't her lover, the spell would not have worked, but it did.

DOUG JONES' HEAD

Crap.

END