"Don't speak, I know what you're sayin', so please stop explainin', don't tell me 'cause it hurts."

STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NEWLY LEASED USS ENTERPRISE E

CAPTAIN PATRICK STEWART is having a spacemare.

PATRICK STEWART

My individuality was once erased by my arch Swedish nemesis The Borg in an epic 2-parter and I still piss my pants thinking about it.

STARFLEET COMMAND

Patrick, a Borg Cube is heading towards Earth!

PATRICK STEWART

Oh no! I better hightail it there to help!

STARFLEET COMMAND

Err, yeah, actually we want you to stay the hell away from the battle because we’re worried you’ll switch sides and massacre everyone like you did in the TV show.

PATRICK STEWART

Hey that wasn't my fault! The Borg showed me some really convincing Buzz Feed videos about stopping climate change by being assimilated! Besides I can sort of eavesdrop on the Borg's communications and might know where the magic “blow up the Borg instantly” spot on their ship is thereby saving thousands of lives so you should really listen to an experienced veteran like me--

STARFLEET COMMAND

Ok boomer.

(hangs up)

PATRICK and his crew listen to Starfleet livestreaming their battle and getting their asses kicked.

PATRICK STEWART

Screw this I’m breaking orders and going into battle. If anyone wants to pussy out like a pussy speak now. No? Good, I'll have plenty of company in space jail.

BRENT SPINER

Sir, it will take us 17 hours to get there. If only Starfleet had access to some kind of mushroom powered Spore Drive that could teleport us there instantly...

JONATHAN FRAKES

Or a magic beaming formula...

PATRICK STEWART

Nah, it'll be fine. I'm sure Starfleet can hold off a ruthless ship of killer space zombies for 17 hours.

EXT. EARTH - 17 HOURS LATER

STARFLEET has been getting the every living shit beaten out of them by THE BORG. MICHAEL DORN valiantly fights them in his iconic ship THE BATTLE TURTLE.

MICHAEL DORN

I’ve lost weapons and shields, so naturally I want to ram my ship into the Borg, suiciding my entire crew and myself in a ball of fiery death. It is the Klingon way.

PATRICK STEWART

You can’t get out of your contract that easy Mike so I’m beaming you onboard.

Suddenly PATRICK’s BRAIN WI-FI turns on and he can hear THE BORG.

PATRICK STEWART

Quickly everyone! Target the “blow up the Borg instantly” spot!

HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF DEAD STARFLEET OFFICERS

You couldn’t tell us about that spot earlier?

PATRICK STEWART

My brain wasn’t in range of the Borg router until now, sorry.

They BLOW UP the Borg cube but not before it launches an escape sphere and then TIME TRAVEL HAPPENS.

PATRICK STEWART

Huh? Why didn’t they just do that in the first place?

JONATHAN FRAKES

Because then we wouldn’t have accidentally gone back in time with them, stupid.

PATRICK STEWART

But that makes less sense than our franchise’s continuity. Who makes a time machine that sucks in a skyscraper-sized ship next to it?

JONATHAN FRAKES

The same people who think saltlakrits doesn’t taste like salted asshole.

EXT. EARTH - 2063

THE BORG start bombing Montana from orbit. PATRICK blows up the Borg sphere.

PATRICK STEWART

Done and done, now let’s get back to our time, maybe a few hours before I let all those people die.

JONATHAN FRAKES

Wait, the Borg were trying to blow up James Cromwell’s ship before he could make the first warp flight and change all of history.

PATRICK STEWART

Oh. Well in that case let’s contaminate the time-line further by beaming down and talking to people.

They do this.

EXT. POST WORLD WAR III EARTH, MONTANA

Future inventor of the Warp Engine JAMES CROMWELL is getting shitfaced while his assistant ALFRE WOODARD is actually protecting their warp ship THE PHOENIX, named after the Joker actor.

PATRICK STEWART

My crew and I are here to help!

ALFRE WOODARD

(shoots at them)

PATRICK STEWART

Whoa whoa whoa I thought this was Montana not Baltimore.

BRENT SPINER

No need to worry captain, this is just how Americans say hello to each other in this time period. Here, let me talk to her. Greetings Alfre.

(is pumped full of hollow points)

That tickles. Did I not mention I was an android? Your primitive projectile weapons don’t work on me, but they WILL work on the space zombies later for some reason.

ALFRE WOODARD

(pulls up a couch)

(faints on it)

PATRICK STEWART

Uh oh she’s sick. Better beam her up to our sick bay and hope she doesn’t wake up, further contaminating the time-line. It’s not like THAT’S ever happened before.

(pause)

It has. Like, dozens of times. We're terrible time travelers.

(receives Borg Wi-Fi signal)

Damnit they’re still alive! Brent and I are going back to the ship to fight them while Jonathan and Lavar Ball get to have a fun space zombie free vacation for the rest of the movie.

LEVAR BURTON

BURTON, LeVar BURTON not LaVar Ball!

PATRICK STEWART

Wait those are two different guys? No way. You're kidding. So which one is on Reading Rainball In The Family?

LEVAR BURTON

(re-blinds self)

INT. ENTERPRISE

PATRICK and BRENT beam back and the Borg start taking over the whole ship.

BRENT SPINER

I’ve locked the Borg out of the computer with a plot encryption code.

PATRICK STEWART

Good, so when they start pounding our ass into latinum they can’t post the video to WorldStar.

They fight the Borg and immediately get their shit pushed in sideways.

BRENT SPINER

(being captured)

Help!

PATRICK STEWART

Everyone ignore his cries and abandon him! Retreat!

Meanwhile ALFRE wakes up in sickbay after being healed.

ALFRE WOODARD

Who are all you crackers?

GATES MCFADDEN

She’s delusional, she thinks we’re salted treats.

ALFRE escapes her space overlords and runs into PATRICK and immediately steals his space gun.

PATRICK STEWART

You’re on a space ship and I’m from the future.

ALFRE WOODARD

(hands back space gun)

I trust you completely. We’re friends now. So what’s the future like?

PATRICK STEWART

Money doesn’t exist and everything is free.

ALFRE WOODARD

So you’re socialists?

PATRICK STEWART

Of course! Socialism totally works when you have infinite resources and a magical science box that replicates food and water and medicine but otherwise you get total social chaos with lots of poop all over the streets.

ALFRE WOODARD

Like San Francisco?

PATRICK STEWART

Whoa not quite that much poop but close. Now help me fight these robotic space zombies.

Meanwhile...

INT. ENGINE ROOM

BRENT is receiving free body modification from the Borg Queen ALICE KRIGE.

ALICE KRIGE

I’ve given you synthetic skin that will allow you to feel.

BRENT SPINER

So we can smash?

ALICE KRIGE

Yes so we can smash.

They SMASH. BOM CHIKA WOW WOW.

Meanwhile...

EXT. MONTANA

JAMES CROMWELL

(reaching shitfaced level over 9000)

JONATHAN FRAKES

We don’t have time for this James. You’re going to be a great man who inspires millions and leads humanity into a new age.

JAMES CROMWELL

I didn’t build the Phoenix to be a historical figure! I built it to get rich! And bang big booty hoes!

JONATHAN FRAKES

Why not do all those things AND be a great man? You know like JFK?

JAMES CROMWELL

Hey you’re right. I am redeemed!

They fix the Phoenix and get it ready to fly.

Meanwhile...

INT. THE ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

PATRICK’s crew is still getting their shit pushed all the way in horizontally and vertically by the Borg.

MICHAEL DORN

Sir we’ve lost the Enterprise, we need to escape the ship and blow it up!

PATRICK STEWART

(draws a vulva on Michael’s forehead ridges)

There, now you’re the same on the outside as you are on the inside, you... pussy head? Yeah I'm not sure where I was going with this joke. I just like to draw genitals on people's faces. I'm very childish for my age.

MICHAEL DORN

How dare you! You’ve stolen my dreams! You come to us Klingons for hope! How dare you!!

(storms off)

(becomes cultural icon)

ALFRE WOODARD

Damnit, I guess it’s up to me to convince Patrick that Michael is right.

PATRICK STEWART

Bitch please, we’ve known each other for like five minutes, you don’t know me.

ALFRE WOODARD

Moby Dick.

PATRICK STEWART

I’ll evacuate the crew immediately and set the ship to self destruct. You, Alfre, are truly my greatest friend. Black Girl Magic is real.

ALFRE WOODARD

Great! By the way I was hoping I could use the replicator to make some diamonds or something to help pay off my massive credit card debts--

PATRICK STEWART

(gut-splitting laughter)

You are adorable. Get off of my ship.

Meanwhile...

INT. MONTANA

MARINA SIRTIS counts down the launch of the PHOENIX. This is her only contribution to the movie.

JAMES CROMWELL

Wait! We can’t launch without some licensed hippy music!

(blasts some Steppenwolf)

JONATHAN FRAKES

You converted a nuclear missile into a warp speed ship and found time to install a sound system?

JAMES CROMWELL

And an avocado toast maker. I’m a millennial after all!

The Phoenix launches into space and transforms from a large phallus into a smaller phallus with wings.

Meanwhile...

INT. ENTERPRISE ENGINE ROOM

PATRICK walks right past all the space zombies and approaches ALICE KRIGE.

PATRICK STEWART

Wow, you are pretty hot for a bald chick with a heat sink sticking out of her skull.

ALICE KRIGE

Join me Patrick and together you can rule the galaxy with me as my boo.

PATRICK STEWART

No thanks I’m not a whore like Kirk was. I've gone 20 years without having sex and I'm not about to start now!

ALICE KRIGE

Whatever Uncle Fester, who needs you when I’ve already pussy whipped Brent.

BRENT SPINER

(gives her control of the entire ship)

PATRICK STEWART

Seriously Brent? You're going to sell out all of humanity just so you can have a hot robo-girlfriend? Was the sex that good?

BRENT SPINER

Her vagina spins at 500rpm.

PATRICK STEWART

I guess resistance really was futile.

(is captured)

No! My nightmare has come true! I suppose I’m going to be re-assimilated now?

ALICE KRIGE

That would be the smart move, so I’ll do the opposite of that just so I have someone to gloat at while I force Brent to blow up the Phoenix and THEN I’ll turn you into a space zombie. My god I've gone full Bond villain.

BRENT is about to destroy the Phoenix but he DOESN’T.

BRENT SPINER

Ha! I fooled you and released some CGI smoke to kill you!

ALICE KRIGE

How could you Brent? I thought what we had was real. You said you loved me.

BRENT SPINER

That was just pillow talk baby. Plus you graphed some dead guy's skin on my face. You're clearly a psycho.

ALICE KRIGE

Bork bork bork.

(has skin melted off her robo-bones)

PATRICK STEWART

Good job Brent, bros before hoes amirite? See? Toxic masculinity isn’t always a bad thing. Oh who am I kidding? It was never a bad thing. High five!

BRENT SPINER

(dances to "We Are The Champions")

Meanwhile...

EXT. MONTANA

The VULCANS land and make FIRST CONTACT with JAMES.

JAMES CROMWELL

Hey, you guys look like humans with pointy ears.

VULCANS

Yes, but we all have weird bowl haircuts.

JAMES CROMWELL

True that’s totally alien. Now let’s get pants pissing drunk.

PATRICK STEWART

That man is a true legend. Alright everyone let’s get back to our own time where this franchise hasn’t been JJ-fied yet and after Epstein didn’t kill himself.

END

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