"I want a tunic! Chicks dig the tunic."

THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1993)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OLD-TIMEY FRANCE

CHRIS O’DONNELL gallivants across the countryside.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

Tra-la-la, I’m just a hotheaded farm boy armed with his father’s sword, off to join a mythical order of warriors! Hmm, where have I heard that before…

PAUL McGANN bursts out of the bushes in a wig and makeup that MARIE ANTOINETTE would call “a bit much”.

PAUL MCGANN

Not so fast, Chris -- I saw you macking on my sister before you left.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

Zut alors!

CHRIS escapes by crashing through several villages.

PEASANTS

Dick.

CHRIS immediately ends up in another chase and rescues GABRIELLE ANWAR and JULIE DELPY.

GABRIELLE ANWAR

You idiot, I’m the queen!

JULIE DELPY

(eye-banging CHRIS)

And I'm single.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

We can bone later, but first I’ve got to French half of France.

JULIE DELPY

(fans self)

INT. PALACE

CARDINAL TIM CURRY and his lead minion MICHAEL WINCOTT pull the heads off dolls and throw rocks at puppies while whistling “Frere Jacques”.

TIM CURRY

Hmm, I wonder if we’re the BAD guys?

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Seeing as we both have British accents, plus I’m wearing an all-black outfit and an eyepatch -- what do YOU think?

TIM CURRY

Wait, aren’t you forgetting something?

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Oh, right.

(sandpapers vocal chords)

Now that I have my Official Bad Guy Voice, time to disband the musketeers and start a war.

EXT. PARIS

CHRIS bumps into THE THREE MUSKETEERS and their period-appropriate mullets.

OLIVER PLATT

I’m the comic relief one!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

I'm the moody leader one.

CHARLIE SHEEN

And I’m the moral, religious one.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

YOU?!

CHARLIE teaches Bible study to MARRIED WOMEN with his PENIS.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

That’s more like it. Now, prepare to die!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

The fuck?! Your whole thing is wanting to be a musketeer but right away you’re going to try to kill us?

CHRIS O’DONNELL

Hey, at least I’m consistent -- I’ve already beat the shit out of basically every single person I’ve met.

MICHAEL and his RED SHIRTS -- ahem, RED GUARDS -- conveniently interrupt the heroes killing each other. CHRIS fights the RED GUARD CAPTAIN, who for no apparent reason is also played by PAUL McGANN!

PAUL MCGANN

I also appeared in the BBC series -- I must be going for some sort of musketeer bingo.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

The reward is plunging to your death off this tower.

PAUL MCGANN

Worth it!

(splats)

MICHAEL hits CHRIS with a DRAMATIC SCENE TRANSITION PUNCH.

INT. PALACE

QUEEN GABRIELLE pouts in a tub.

GABRIELLE ANWAR

It’s not easy being Queen -- everyone just expects you to instantly fall in love with someone you barely know!

JULIE DELPY

(distractedly writing Chris’ name on a scroll and doodling hearts around it)

Hmm?

TIM emerges from the shadows while twirling his mustache.

TIM CURRY

Gabrielle, I hear you’re unsatisfied with your marriage to King Hugh O’Conor, possibly because his last name is missing an "N". Wanna get with a religious pervert instead?

GABRIELLE ANWAR

Hard pass.

GABRIELLE hurries away to find KING HUGH O’CONOR playing in his sandbox.

HUGH O’CONOR

I’m a real boy!

GABRIELLE ANWAR

I think something’s off with Tim. He’s relentlessly pervy, plus there’s an ominous “whooshing” noise whenever he appears.

HUGH O’CONOR

Nah, Tim’s cool -- he lets me stay up past 9 AND try wine.

GABRIELLE ANWAR

So what, this is France!

Meanwhile, TIM and MICHAEL rehearse their plans to assassinate HUGH in the middle of the palace in broad daylight, which absolutely no one notices.

INT. THE PIT OF DESPAIR

CHRIS wakes up in MICHAEL’s torture dungeon, but luckily he’s in the “Eavesdropping Exposition Cell” so he can spy on TIM meeting with EVIL SPY REBECCA DE MORNAY.

TIM CURRY

I have summoned you and your cleavage to do some treason -- the sexy kind.

REBECCA DE MORNAY

Gross, keep it in your robe.

TIM CURRY

My nefarious plan is to ally with England so that they’ll...invade us? Whatever. I’m evil, you’re hot -- let’s get this treaty to England.

REBECCA DE MORNAY

Have no fear -- Double-D Seven always delivers.

MICHAEL catches CHRIS listening in.

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Now that you have conveniently heard our entire stupid plan, it’s time to die!

CHRIS is about to be executed but the THREE MUSKETEERS rescue him and escape in, yup, ANOTHER CHASE!

OLIVER PLATT

At least this time we get soused on Cardinal Tim’s wine.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Really? We HAD to include a scene where I drink and drive? Real classy, guys.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

We must stop Tim’s spy -- there’s not a moment to lose!

INT. WENCHING SIDEQUEST

Our heroes immediately interrupt their vital mission to teach young CHRIS how to FUCK.

OLIVER PLATT

Now remember, this is a Disney movie, so keep our family audience in mind and lol jk just seize the nearest wench and shove your tongue down her throat.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Pay no heed to Oliver’s uncouth ways. First, read her a fuck sonnet. THEN shove your tongue down her throat.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

Hmm, I should probably save myself for Julie…

CHARLIE SHEEN

Nonsense. When it comes to wenching, it’s all for one and buns for all!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Instead, let me teach you the virtues of alcoholism.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

I’m sensing you might actually have some depth.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Well, I once lived in wedded bliss until I discovered my wife had a fleur-de-lis tattoo.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

That’s a little basic, but hardly seems like enough to end a marriage...

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

It means she was a convicted murderer.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

Whoa! Never stick your baguette in crazy, bro.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

It didn’t even bother me that much...but I left her for dead when I discovered her “live, laugh, love” tramp stamp. Now I spend my tragic existence partying hard with the raddest dudes in all of France. Woe is me.

EXT. TRANQUIL WOODS THAT DEFINITELY AREN’T FULL OF BAD GUYS

Our HEROES continue merrily on their journey.

OLIVER PLATT

So, do I ever get any character depth? My “funny fat guy” schtick is getting a little old.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Hey, at least you have some cool customized weapons and a barely-hinted at pirate backstory! My entire character is “Hot Priest” -- since when has THAT been enough to create a devoted fan following?

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Anyway, we must have almost caught Tim’s spy by now --

Just kidding, it’s time for ANOTHER FUCKING CHASE.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

I’ll hold them off -- Chris, just make sure my heroic sacrifice is worth it!

CHRIS promptly gets shot, passes out, and is captured by REBECCA.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

(rolls eyes)

INT. REBECCA’S SEXY SPY SUITE

CHRIS wakes up to find REBECCA’s ample bosom watching over him.

REBECCA DE MORNAY

Ugh, did they let Cardinal Tim direct this scene?

(sighs)

Anyway, make out with me and ignore me trying to stab you…

CHRIS O’DONNELL

I hate to disappoint you, but rubber lips are immune to your charms.

CHRIS fights off REBECCA, but SEXY-LIKE!

CHRIS O’DONNELL

Wait -- does that tramp stamp say “live, laugh, love”?!

REBECCA DE MORNAY

Uh...I was drunk and sixteen.

OLIVER and CHARLIE burst in.

PHILIP TAN

If you want Rebecca, you must first face me -- her random kung fu henchman! Oh wait, did we not mention she has a kung fu henchman? WELL SHE FUCKING DOES!

OLIVER PLATT

(immediately wrecks PHILIP)

Not anymore.

REBECCA is about to escape when...KIEFER appears!

CHRIS O’DONNELL

How are you still alive? That must have been quite the daring escape; I’m sure you’ll tell us all about it.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

(nothing)

CHRIS O’DONNELL

Glad we cleared that up.

EXT. THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY

The MUSKETEERS escort REBECCA to her execution.

REBECCA DE MORNAY

Wait! Tim plans to kill King Hugh at his birthday bash. There, I’m redeemed!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

That’s it? You’re not even going to tell us the details of Tim’s evil plot? Or come with us and actually DO something about it?

REBECCA DE MORNAY

(leaping to her death)

I said I’m redeeeeeeeemed!

EXT. PALACE

KING HUGH’s birthday bash commences.

TIM CURRY

Hugh, why don’t you stand waaay out on this balcony while I duck behind a pillar?

HUGH O’CONOR

What a normal request.

Meanwhile, the MUSKETEERS keep a low profile by dressing as DEMENTORS.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Chris, as our most inexperienced member, you get the most important job of stopping the assassin.

CHRIS races through the entire palace, climbs ten thousand stairs, and sprints across the roof.

ASSASSIN

(reads the paper)

(crafts the perfect cappuccino)

(listens to all of Hamilton)

MICHAEL WINCOTT

I really shouldn’t have used Dramatically Slow Assassinations, Inc.

CHRIS dispatches the ASSASSIN, who becomes the 4,587th Disney character to die by falling and the third in this movie alone.

INT. PALACE

Swords are crossed! Shots are fired! Swashes are buckled!

OLIVER PLATT

Chris, as our most inexperienced member, you now get to fight the deadliest villain.

CHRIS and MICHAEL DUEL and DUEL HARDER and DUEL HARDER WITH A VENGEANCE! CHARLIE tries to stop TIM from escaping with GABRIELLE and HUGH.

TIM CURRY

This movie only has room for one randy man of the cloth.

Tim shoots CHARLIE!

TIM CURRY

Too late, musketeers -- I’ve made it to my pathetically slow escape barge that just follows this underground river. You’ll never catch me now!

Suddenly, CHARLIE appears, very much alive and apparently with new teleportation powers.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Surprise, it is I! My crucifix stopped the bullet -- or my tiger blood makes me invulnerable to Vatican Assassins. Both equally plausible!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Prepare to meet your end, Tim.

HUGH O’CONOR

Wait, allow me! I still have to complete my character arc of “growing a pair”.

HUGH throws TIM into the river!

GABRIELLE ANWAR

Wait, so Tim was wearing armor -- did we just drown him in his own torture river?

EVERYONE

(shrugs)

INT. LE STAR DU DEATH

CHRIS and MICHAEL are STILL dueling!

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Now, slowly back away from my sword while I reveal secret knowledge about your father’s death, then back-flip away while I say “Impressive!” and -- goddamn, we really aren’t even trying to be subtle about our Star Wars ripoffs, are we?

MICHAEL finally disarms CHRIS and is about to skewer him, but JULIE appears to toss CHRIS his sword!

JULIE DELPY

Good thing that SABER was so LIGHT!

CHRIS O’DONNELL

I am a musketeer, like my father before me!

(stabs Michael)

CHRIS makes out with JULIE using his Musketeer-approved wenching skills.

CHRIS O’DONNELL

You’re not my sister by any chance, are you?

END

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