The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. NOT A QUIET PLACE
A BOY and GIRL, whose character names are BOY and GIRL, are getting chewed the fuck out by MICHAEL JACKSON’s reanimated corpse SANDRA BULLOCK.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Alright listen up you little shits. For 5 years humans have been under attack by creatures that make you kill yourself if you look at them.
BOY
So The Happening?
SANDRA BULLOCK
If we’re talking in terms of quality, then yes.
GIRL
So what’s the title mean?
SANDRA BULLOCK
When the creatures are around the pet birds we have in this box they go apeshit, except when they don’t. Luckily these evil creatures can’t touch us or open doors or break windows so we’re totally safe if we stay in doors.
(checks fridge)
Shit, you little cunts ate all the food so we have to go someplace else down a river blindfolded so we don’t get suicided. If you talk I will kill you. If you get scared I will kill you. If you take off your blindfold I will leave you to die.
BOY
And YOU’RE the main character we’re supposed to root for?
GIRL
Already I want to see these suicide monsters just to get away from you.
INT. SANDRA’S PITY PARTY APARTMENT (BEFORE THE HAPPENING) - 5 YEARS AGO
SANDRA is a very pregnant artist living with SARAH PAULSON.
SARAH PAULSON
Say have you seen this news report about all the people committing suicide?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Nope, too busy being pregnant and painting while pregnant and pregnant painting. Now let’s argue about our mother.
SARAH PAULSON
Our mother? Holy shit, we’re sisters? I thought we were a couple! Why are you living with me instead of the baby’s father?
SANDRA BULLOCK
I’m a strong independent woman who needs no man, especially since I have family to leech off of.
INT. HOSPITAL
SANDRA and SARAH walk past dozens and dozens of RED FLAGS waving in their faces and get an ultrasound.
DOCTOR
Congratulations Sandra at being a mother for the first time at the tender age of HOLY SHIT YOU’RE 54?! The only thing that should be growing in your womb are cobwebs, not a person!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Hey! I still look marginally good for my age! Besides I could be playing a younger woman!
DOCTOR
Those 18 layers of makeup you’re wearing say otherwise! Go head, wipe your face, tell me you’re not going to look like the Crypt Keeper.
SANDRA and SARAH leave the hospital just as THE HAPPENING starts HAPPENING.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Alright Sarah, I’ll conveniently look away while you see one of the death creatures and kill yourself.
SARAH PAULSON
Got it.
(is Final Destination’d)
SANDRA BULLOCK
Now would be a good time to react to this shocking death but I can’t move my face muscles so I’ll skip that and take refuge in this nearby house where all the main characters are at.
INT. HOUSE WHERE ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE AT
BD WONG
This house belongs to me. That’s my only character trait.
JOHN MALKODICK
My wife just killed herself after trying to help Sandra so I’m going to be a major first class dickwad the entire film.
(gives everyone the finger)
(drinks the last of the milk and puts the empty carton back in the fridge)
(doesn’t say God Bless you after someone sneezes)
Damn I'm an asshole.
LIL REL HOWERY
I was in Get Out. That is literally the only reason I was cast.
MACHINE GUN KELLY
(douchebag)
HOT COP GIRL
I’m hot and a cop who specializes in being a cop and hot!
TREVANTE RHODES
I’m a young handsome stud who has a fetish for pregnant 50 year old women.
(blows sweet kisses at Sandra)
OLD WOMAN
And I’m a human!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Great, so let’s figure out what’s going on. I’m sure it’ll take us hours, if not days to stumble on the correct--
LIL REL HOWERY
It’s spirit demons from ancient mythology. They make you see your greatest fear and break your brain causing you to kill yourself.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Oh. I guess that didn’t take very long at all. But how do we know for sure? We need to test this theory out. Hey BD, why don’t you stare at these security monitors and see what--
BD WONG
(sees creatures)
(lightly taps head on table)
(dies)
SANDRA BULLOCK
Well that solves that.
DANIELLE MACDONALD
Hello! I’m BD’s replacement, and I’m pregnant just like Sandra! We’re even due on the same date!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Wait, I’m not having twins and I end up with two kids in the future. What could this mean, hmm...
TREVANTE RHODES
Yeah I wouldn’t get too attached to any of these human shaped objects if I were you Sandra. Have I mentioned how sexy my muscles are? Here, have a feel.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Seriously? Shouldn’t you be hitting on Hot Cop Girl?
HOT COP GIRL
Yeah, I’m basically flexing my ass at the camera like it’s giving me Paypal donations. I’m a peach!
TREVANTE RHODES
Sorry I prefer prunes.
OLD WOMAN
Speaking of dried up wrinkly things I’m still here. Also we’re out of food.
LIL REL HOWERY
Luckily I work at a nearby Trader Joe’s and I have the keys!
JOHN MALKODICK
That would have been good to know before we ran out of food you dipshit.
LIL REL HOWERY
Speak for yourself homeboy. I have to keep reminding myself you’re not an emaciated Bruce Willis.
INT. A JEEP COMMERCIAL
SANDRA BULLOCK
We’ve blacked out the windows of this 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee with its external camera and GPS navigation!
HOT COP GIRL
And what about these heated leather seats!
JOHN MALKODICK
I know! I especially love this spacious interior and these cup holders!
LIL REL HOWERY
And with an 8.4-inch touchscreen with Bluetooth!
SUICIDE CREATURES
HEY WE TURNED ON AD BLOCKER FOR A REASON GRRRRRRRR!!!!
(attacks the jeep!)
SANDRA BULLOCK
Huh? I thought we established these things can’t physically harm us?
HOT COP GIRL
This is a Netflix movie, we’re clearly not above breaking our own rules for cheap suspense. Now are you going to lease this Jeep or not?
INT. GROCERY STORE
The gang makes it and starts reenacting scenes from Dawn of the Dead.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Hey look, a bird cage! If only we could have called the movie THAT instead! Wait, how the hell did these birds survive without any food or water?
HOT COP GIRL
I’m guessing the same magic spell that made your womb menopause-proof.
Meanwhile JOHN gets shitfaced IMMEDIATELY.
JOHN MMALKODICK
(actual line)
We are making the end of the world... GREAT AGAIN!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Because no one’s made that fucking joke a dozen times in the last 2 years. Maybe get off your knees and stop making cock sucking great again while you’re at it. Now all we need is to shoehorn in some vaguely Alt Right villain.
STRANGE WHITE MAN
Hey let me into the store. I’m crazy.
LIL REL HOWERY
I say we trust him.
(goes outside)
(is killed)
TREVANTE RHODES
Fuuuuuck, there’s no way we can leave with that crazy white guy out there, so maybe we should just stay here where all the food is and
INT. HOUSE WHERE ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE AT
TREVANTE RHODES
Wait how did we get back here?
SANDRA BULLOCK
You drove us back without any problems whatsoever.
HOT COP GIRL
Well Machine Gun and I are fucking and we’ve decided to lease the jeep so it’s ours now byeeeeee
(fucks off)
MACHINE GUN KELLY
(leaves with Hot Cop Girl)
(still a douchebag)
TOM HOLLANDER
(appearing)
Greetings everyone! If you’re trying to place my face just remember the top 5 most annoying side characters you’ve seen in the past 10 years and chances are I was all of them! Please let me into your house! Also I’m crazy.
DANIELLE MACDONALD
I trust him.
JOHN MALKODICK
Only a retard would trust this clearly deranged jerkwad.
DANIELLE MACDONALD
I stand by my decision. Come in Tom, make yourself at home while Sandra and I loudly give birth.
TOM HOLLANDER
Thank you kind idiot. So it turns out seeing the suicide creatures doesn’t make you kill yourself if you’re mentally ill, it just makes you want to seek out survivors and expose them to the suicide creatures for... reasons.
DANIELLE MACDONALD
Uh oh that doesn’t sound good for me--
(dead)
OLD WOMAN
(dead)
JOHN MALKODICK
(dead)
TOM HOLLANDER
(dead)
TREVANTE RHODES
Hmm. I guess we have the house to ourselves now.
SANDRA BULLOCK
But who’s going to clean all these dead bodies up?
TREVANTE RHODES
Right, better risk our lives by going outside with two newborns and finding a different place.
This HAPPENS.
EXT. A CABIN IN THE WOODS (NO NOT THAT ONE) - 5 YEARS LATER
TREVANTE has been busy surviving with SANDRA her kid BOY and DANIELLE's kid GIRL while still finding time to keep his muscles nice and ripped.
TREVANTE RHODES
Have we been living in a gym this whole time or what?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Apparently you’ve been getting the perfect workout pounding my vag these last 5 years. And I’ve been subsisting solely on Estée Lauder.
BOY
A man on the radio says there’s a sanctuary down the river!
GIRL
Ohh ohh can we go there?!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Hell no, you’re going to die here alone and nameless. Get that through your thick little child skulls you horrible pathetic parasites.
TREVANTE RHODES
The fuck, Sandra?! Why are you pissing on their hopes like a mean old bitch?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Be... cause that’s my entire character? The only way to survive is to not get too attached to anything. We’re not going to that sanctuary because we’ll never make it.
TREVANTE RHODES
We're going to survive not fighting what we hate, but saving what we love!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Did... Did you just quote Rose Tico at me? Ooooh, you are definitely dying in the next scene!
SANDRA and the gang go to raid a house for resources when they are surrounded by a gang of ANTIFA CRAZIES who are immune to the suicide creatures!
SANDRA BULLOCK
I’m a strong independent women who doesn’t need a man to protect me so I’ll fight these guys off while Trevante escapes with the kids allowing me to die a noble HAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT
TREVANTE RHODES
(removes blindfold to kill Antifa Crazies)
(dies)
SANDRA BULLOCK
Well there’s no way I can survive out here without my walking dildo protecting me so I had better put on this blindfold and take the kids down the river to the sanctuary in this shitty canoe.
She DOES THIS, EASILY.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Really? But our canoe capsized! Surely the kids drowned because I never taught them how to swim!
BOY AND GIRL
We’re fine! We even still have our blindfolds on!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Really? Wow, that’s amazing...ly contrived. But our pet birds we keep in the titular bird box are surely dead!
BIRDS IN BIRD BOX
Chirp chirp chirp!
(translation:)
We survived too! Did you not know birds can breathe underwater? Silly humans!
BOY
Wait, so if Sandra had done this earlier we’d still have our black daddy?
GIRL
Sandra is a horrible mother. I’m here suicide creatures! Rescue me from this future alcoholic!
SUICIDE CREATURES
COME ON SANDRA, TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD, THIS ISN’T 50 SHADES OF GREY YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER WANTED THESE KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE, LET US TAKE THEM
SANDRA BULLOCK
No thank you. I’ve accepted my role as their mother despite treating them like literal dogshit for their entire lives.
SUICIDE CREATURES
OH. WELL. ALRIGHT THEN. WE’LL JUST CHASE YOU WITH SOME MILD WIND EFFECTS AND SWIRLING LEAVES WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
SANDRA BULLOCK
So the climax is me running from wind? And people actually like this movie? Somewhere in the world M. Night Shyamalan is grinding his teeth to dust.
They make it to the sanctuary which is a SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND which was built inside an enclosed AVIARY. Because why WOULDN’T IT BE?
Now go Google the memes, they’re the best thing about the movie.
END