And now for another instalment of "World's Greatest Photobombings"

MONSTER TRUCKS

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SMASHED-UP OIL DRILLING SITE.

ROB LOWE looks over the flaming ruins of his oil-drilling operation.

ROB LOWE

We drilled down further than we ever had before. They told us that nothing could survive down there...but they were wrong. We found...something. Something angry. Something unstoppable. Something that tore through my men like candy wrappers. Something...

CGI MONSTER

Something adorable!

(waggles tentacles)

ROB LOWE

Ugh, then why did you have to kill so many oil drillers? This is a horror movie setup!

MATT SMITH

(leaning out of TARDIS)

So... does this situation need me, or...?

CGI MONSTER escapes!

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL

LUCAS TILL is walking to his SAM WINCHESTER HAIRCUT class.

JANE LEVY

Hey Lucas, we're doing a project together for biology together but so far you haven't done ANY work. I've tried calling, emailing, leaving notes on your locker...

LUCAS TILL

Jane, what did I tell you about breathing my oxygen?

JANE LEVY

A thousand apologies! It won't happen again!

TUCKER ALBRIZZI

Lucas! Why won't you hang out with me? You said we were friends...

LUCAS TILL

I'll call you at the end of the movie when I need a couple of trucks.

JANE LEVY

I guess you never need to take bathroom breaks because you're shitting on EVERYBODY, am I right?

The THREE stumble across a commotion in the parking lot.

TUCKER ALBRIZZI

Something ripped the engines out of several cars!

LUCAS TILL

The oil's been sucked away! What would do that?

JANE LEVY

Our military?

LUCAS TILL

Bad taste.

EXT. SCRAPYARD - LATE NIGHT

LUCAS is working at his part-time job crushing cars.

LUCAS TILL

Working? Most of the time I spend sitting in a truck and pretending I'm in a high-speed chase.

(waggles wheel)

Evasive manoeuvres! Protect the hot chick! Fire the photon torpedo! Blam! Pow!

CGI MONSTER

Kid, leave this stuff to Jim Carrey.

LUCAS TILL

AAAIIIEEEE!!!

LUCAS hides in a SMALL, CLAUSTROPHIC SPACE. But it begins slowly filling up with TENTACLES. THICK SNAKE-LIKE GLISTENING TENTACLES. Slowly COILING and UNCOILING.

LUCAS TILL

What. The. FUCK! I'm not joking, this is the most legitimately terrifying experience I've had in a movie theatre since the amputation scene from "Looper". Which horror movie is this?

CGI MONSTER

Horror movie? No, no! This is an adventure for children of all ages!

LUCAS TILL

Are you sure? So far we have an isolated small-town location, dozens of fatalities, a powerful creature accidently unleashed by human hubris, mysterious attacks that no one can explain, a conspiracy to keep things quiet...

CGI MONSTER

Dude, look...

LUCAS TILL

You're even shot like a horror-movie monster. We only catch glimpses of you, if we see you at all.

CGI MONSTER

This isn't a horror movie!

LUCAS TILL

Yeah, then let's see what happens when I call the police!

LUCAS escapes and summons the SHERIFF, BARRY PEPPER.

BARRY PEPPER

A tentacle monster? I don't believe you.

LUCAS TILL

See? SEE? And now we have the authorities dismissing claims that there's anything to worry about! Try telling me we're not in a horror...

(looks around)

Monster? Where did you go?

BARRY PEPPER

Also, I'm dating your mom. That's a thing.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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