FADE IN:

YOUNG LILY JAMES frolics among flowers, birds, mice and nauseating mawkishness. Her mother HAYLEY ATWELL is dying of SUDDEN MOVIE DEATH and has to tell her daughter a SECRET. It is meant to be deeply rooted in wisdom.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Young Lily, listen very closely. You must always have courage and be kind. You must also repeat this insipid advice about 100,000 times throughout the movie.

YOUNG LILY JAMES

Have courage and be kind? Can't the pendulum really swing between those two words? Doesn't life carry with it layers and complexities for which "courage" and "kindness" may not do me any favors? Shouldn't I also learn about the lives and struggles of those around me? And maybe also know what the local rulers look like?

HAYLEY ATWELL

No. You can be a bit spunky and call that courage, but you're really really going to take the "kindness" part to ridiculous extremes.

HAYLEY dies. LILY'S father, BEN CHAPLIN, has a talk with his daughter about getting remarried.

BEN CHAPLIN

I know I look sallow and miserable, but I was really hoping to get laid again, I mean find some happiness again. I'm going to marry Cate Blanchett. She's a recent widow and cannot make her own way in life due to the dong driven social construct of our society. She is also innately evil. But you know, you have to be kind to her and her tacky daughters, Sophie McShera and Holliday Granger.

LILY JAMES

I promise you I will do that and I will smother all common sense in order to be as kind as possible.

CATE BLANCHETT arrives to effortlessly chew away every scene and spit it back out.

LILY JAMES

WOW. You should never go a day in your life without wearing green.

SOPHIE MCSHERA AND HOLLIDAY GRANGER

We shriek and whine a lot and are totally interchangeable.

BEN CHAPLIN

Welcome to my home. This is my daughter Lily, she's- Oh damn. Sudden Movie Death strikes again.

(dies)

CATE BLANCHETT

Oh BALLS. Now we have to get rid of our servants. We are broke and I have some amazing green outfits to commission.

LILY JAMES

Yeah and now I'm an orphan. Damn.

CATE BLANCHETT

Awww yeah that's too bad. Go live in the attic and serve us.

LILY JAMES

What the fuck?

CATE BLANCHETT

Ohohohoh. Courage and kindness, remember?

LILY JAMES

But wouldn't it be COURAGEOUS if I told you to fuck off? I'm not going to go live in an attic that has about 5 million steps to get to.

CATE BLANCHETT

Kindness.

LILY JAMES

Fine. And I'll also do all your sewing and cooking and serving. Wow, I am a doormat. At least other princesses got to sleep through most of their fairy tales.

LILY goes into her attic, chats with her rats, and then decides to take a ride on her horse. She comes across a huge male deer that exhibits human facial features. LILY tells it to run away to save himself. RICHARD MADDEN appears.

INT. MEET CUTE FOREST

RICAHRD MADDEN

Hey have you seen a freakishly human-like large deer around here?

LILY JAMES

Yes and I told him to run away to save himself from hunters.

RICHARD MADDEN

But I was hunting him.

LILY JAMES

Animals shouldn't die unless they really really want to.

RICHARD MADDEN

But I'm hunting.

LILY JAMES

The deer lives, okay?

RCHARD MADDEN

Wow! You sure have a lot of pizzazz!

LILY JAMES

Yeah, it's my courage. This is pretty much the only place where I have it. Anyway you're cute, and your eyes are magnificently blue. What's your name?

RICHARD MADDEN

It's NOT Prince Richard Madden that's for sure. You have to fall in love with me based only on my looks, my impossibly blue eyes, and the three seconds of charm you see here. If you knew I was a prince, the credibility of your love for me would diminish. So, I'm an apprentice.

LILY JAMES

Cool. And I'm not going to tell you my name or any sort of identifiable information. Thanks for not killing that male deer.

They leave.

INT. CASTLE

PRINCE RICHARD MADDEN talks to his dad KING DEREK JACOBI who is being examined by a doctor.

RICHARD MADDEN

Dad. I want to marry for love. I met this cool chick for five seconds in the woods.

DEREK JACOBI

Unfortunately that is unheard of and you cannot do that. Sorry.

DOCTOR

Derek, after examining you by checking your pulse and walking in circles around you, I am diagnosing with Almost Sudden Movie Death. You are going to die, it will just be slightly less suddenly.

DEREK JACOBI

Shit. Well I guess we'll throw a ball so you can find the woman you want to marry.

INT. LILY'S HOUSE

Everybody is getting ready for the royal ball.

SOPHIE MCSHERA AND HOLLIDAY GRANGER

A royal ball! Hooray! The prince is going to love me!

LILY JAMES

And maybe I'll see that apprentice I saw in the woods who hunts even though I am apparently very opposed to hunting.

CATE BLANCHETT

Oh whatever bitch! You can't go. You won't have anything to wear.

LILY JAMES

Oh but I made a dress out of one my mother's dresses with the help of some rats.

CATE BLANCHETT

Was this done during a jaunty musical number?

LILY JAMES

Unfortunately, no.

CATE BLANCHETT

Well you can't come. My daughters will be dressed in Las Vegas and you can't embarrass them with your dowdy pink nightgown.

CATE, SOPHIE AND HOLLIDAY rip up her dress, which is every bit as creepy as it was in the cartoon. They leave for the ball and LILY cries. A slovenly old woman appears out of nowhere.

SLOVENLY OLD WOMAN

Hey there little lady, can I have some milk?

LILY JAMES

What the hell? Where did you even come from?

SLOVENLY OLD WOMAN

Kindness.

LILY JAMES

Here is some milk.

SLOVENLY OLD WOMAN turns into a seriously overacting HELENA BONHAM CARTER.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

I'm your fairy godmother. I'm going to turn the living things around here into people for a short time to escort you to the ball... even the lizards with incredibly disgusting effects. Seriously it's gross.

LILY JAMES

Yay! I mean, you completely destroyed my entire greenhouse while doing it but whatever. What about my dress?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Yeah that dress sucks. I'll make you another one.

LILY JAMES

Okay but this was my mother's and I would like to keep it that way.

HELENA turns LILY'S mom's nightgown dress into a hideous prom dress from 1986.

LILY JAMES

Well this is nothing like my mom's but I love it! And in keeping with the Disney princess styling, my waist is about the size of my ankles. Keep the dream alive, young girls in the audience.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

And now for the glass slippers. Someone in the future will say that the condom is the glass slipper of a modern generation. But instead of flushing these down the toilet, you're going to lose one and hide the other one in a fireplace.

LILY JAMES

Got it. Can I go now?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Yes. But you have to be back by midnight because then the spell will be broken and God forbid the man you plan to marry will see you for who you actually are. Also, it's about 11:45. Get moving.

INT. BALL

LILY walks in and everyone gawks at how large her head looks compared to the rest of her body. RICHARD spots her and they dance. STELLAN SKARSGARD is the grand duke and NONSO ANZIE is a captain. STELLAN wants RICHARD to marry a real princess so he is pissed.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Just look at that princess I have set aside for Richard. She is gorgeous. Anyone with a pulse would be happy to marry her.

NONSO ANZIE

I think I'm the prince's bestie so I have to back him up on the lady on the dance floor.

CATE saunters by, eavesdropping on their conversation. RICHARD and LILY go into a secret garden and fall in love.

INT. SECRET GARDEN

LILY JAMES

So you're the Prince. Since I'm in love with you now, I'm totally okay about the fact that you lied about it the first time we met.

RICHARD MADDEN

Cool. And what's your name?

LILY JAMES

OH GOSH look at the time. Those fifteen minutes really sped by. Later.

RICHARD MADDEN

What the HELL? You aren't going to say your name AGAIN?

LILY JAMES

No. And spoiler alert and everything but I'm also going to lose my glass slipper on the steps.

LILY runs home, the spell is broken, and she hides her remaining glass slipper in the kitchen fireplace. Meanwhile, KING DEREK JACOBI dies and tells RICHARD to marry for love. RICHARD sets up a lady hunting excursion while CATE and STELLAN conspire against them.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Hey Cate, I feel like we should probably be in a movie together that doesn't suck.

CATE BLANCHETT

Good plan. Anyway, I'll keep my stepdaughter away from the prince if you make me a duchess and let my daughters marry really really well.

STELLN SKARSGARD

Yep sure. Our evil conniving deal has been made.

Back at her house, LILY tries to find her glass slipper but CATE has taken it and decides to reveal her backstory.

CATE BLANCHETT

When I was young I married for love, but my husband died and I was left broke and alone. I married your father so that my daughters could have some kind of future. But he died and we were left alone again, except for you who is only a blatant reminder that I have failed in life since I never married a husband who stayed alive long enough to make sure my family would be financially secure.

LILY JAMES

Well damn. That's not so evil. More like a sad struggle to live in a society set up this way, where it is impossible to find solid security unless you marry well. I think you hate me because I operate under a relentlessly cheerful demeanor and apparently would have stayed happy just hanging out in the chicken coop with the rodents instead of actually trying to move around in the world and attempting to find independence.

CATE BLANCHETT

Damn. Cinderella sucks. You would think that a 2015 version would have played it a little more self aware.

LILY JAMES

Yeah and don't forget the montage showing all the king's men going around trying to shove a shoe onto every single woman they come across, including that fat bakery lady who smells bad. Because fat people are gross?

CATE BLANCHETT

Jesus Christ, this movie is emotionally exhausting for it being targeted towards people who came to see it dressed as you.

LILY JAMES

At least I'll get to assert myself against you a little when Richard comes and I can reveal that I have the other glass slipper.

CATE smashes the glass slipper.

LILY JAMES

Oh. Well shit.

The king's men arrive at Cate's house but she has locked Lily in the attic. HOLIDAY and SOPHIE try on the glass slipper but it doesn't fit.

NONSO ANOZIE

Hey what is the song coming from the attic with the most ridiculous lyrics I've ever heard in my life?

RICHARD MADDEN suddenly appears.

RICAHRD MADDEN

I've been here all along! Search the attic!

They go in the attic, they find Lily, the shoe fits. They get married.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER V.O.

And so they live happily ever after and banish Cate and her daughters from the kingdom, because Lily gave up that that kindness bullshit only when it mattered very little. Richard and Lily were the most loved rulers in all the land because they based their reign on imagining the world as it should be and not how it really is and also because magic. That is literally exactly what they say at the end of this movie. So go home, young ones and try to change the world with good looks, overactive imaginations, and magic. Bippity Boppity Boo.

END.