FADE IN:

EXT. MEDIEVAL ENGLAND

SIR MARK RYLANCE and his brother, DUKE DAVID MORRISSEY, plot.

DUKE DAVID MORRISSEY

So I heard King Eric VIII and Queen Ana of Torragon are like totally heading for a split!

SIR MARK RYLANCE

ZOMG! LOVE IS DEAD!

DUKE DAVID MORRISSEY

It's the perfect opportunity for one of our young female relatives to fuck his brains out and get us riches and stuff!

SIR MARK RYLANCE

Brilliant! My daughter Natalie Portman can do it. She's enough of a freak to satisfy the king.

LADY KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Okay, I know this is how things were done back then, but this whole scene is made of gross.

SIR MARK RYLANCE

Would it help if we entirely skipped the part where our younger daughter Scarlett Johansson fucks the king of France and becomes known as the "Great Prostitute?"

LADY KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Well, it makes it more boring.

KING ERIC VIII visits the RYLANCE estate to go PUSSY HUNTING and is promptly injured.

SIR MARK RYLANCE

Goddammit, Natalie, you let him hurt himself and ruined everything! Scarlett, you're up!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

But I'm married to Benedict Cumberbatch now! Don't we have any cousins who could take over?

SIR MARK RYLANCE

Not until 1540. And Benedict's cool with it, so we're going.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Don't I have any say in this?!

MARK and DAVID double over laughing, recover, and double over again.

INT. COURT

SCARLETT and NATALIE are presented to QUEEN ANA OF TORRAGON.

QUEEN ANA OF TORRAGON

Oh, great, two more fuckable ladies in waiting. I know what's up. You, blondie, humiliate yourself real good.

SCARLETT sings with the voice of a BARELY MEDIOCRE ANGEL. QUEEN ANA lets them stay for SOME REASON, and SCARLETT promptly hooks up with KING ERIC. Meanwhile, NATALIE secretly marries.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wait, she married a wealthy earl with tons of land whom she actually likes? Without asking the king's permission?! Oh my God we're RUINED.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh, but it's cool for everyone to know that you're banging the still-married king?

SIR MARK RYLANCE

Natalie, shut up and go to France until your sister is good and overstretched!

NATALIE storms out.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Scarlett, this is all your fault! You always get everything!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Like you could have ever gotten the king! The most interesting thing you ever said to him was how much you loved the water!

NATALIE PORTMAN

At least my singing voice doesn't remind people of Ben Stein with a bolt cutter on his sack!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

SLAG!

NATALIE PORTMAN

SLATTERN!

While NATALIE goes off to learn how to be INTERESTING, SCARLETT gets pregnant. KING ERIC grants RICHES AND STUFF to her family.

SIR MARK RYLANCE

Excellent! Now to ruin your life, Jim. You'll marry the shrewish and less fuckable Juno Temple.

JIM STURGESS

But but but but but-

LADY KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Okay, that's enough. You're using our children to get the favour of the most impulsive and selfish king ever. He's had at least two other mistresses before Scarlett. He's switched alliances from France to the Holy Roman Empire and back more times than anyone can count. Last week he hanged a squirrel for looking at him too much. This is going to end badly and YOU FUCKING KNOW IT.

SIR MARK RYLANCE

(dives headfirst into giant pile of money)

Sorry, did you say something?

SCARLETT nearly miscarries, making her UNFUCKABLE.

DUKE DAVID MORRISSEY

We'll have to bring Natalie back. Now that she's experienced the French court... she can keep the king loyal to Scarlett.

LADY KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Seriously? THAT'S how you think things will turn out?!

DUKE DAVID MORRISSEY

Mark, out of the pile, it's my turn!

NATALIE returns with CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS, INSCRUTABLE MOTIVES and a NEW HAT!

KING ERIC VIII

Well helloooooo...

NATALIE PORTMAN

Ha ha! I don't think so! You knocked up my most beloved sister!

KING ERIC VIII

Oh, fuck that. I don't even care if she gives me the one thing that informs every decision I ever make from 1525 onward!

NURSEMAID

It's a boy!

KING ERIC VIII

AWESOME!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Shit. Okay, fine, I'll let you into my surcoat!

KING ERIC VIII

AWESOMER! You're basically queen now.

NATALIE PORTMAN

"Basically?" Oh, that won't do.

INT. HONESTLY, YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS PART

Over the course of seven years ten minutes, KING ERIC divorces QUEEN ANA, breaks away from the CATHOLIC CHURCH and marries NATALIE after raping her in FRUSTRATION... which never happened.

JESS M.

(researching)

So even Showtime gave us less bullshit than this movie does. Way to go, screenwriter... Peter Morgan? The same Peter Morgan who wrote The Queen and The Last King of Scotland, two of the best-written films of the 2000s?

JESS M.'S FAITH

(shatters)

INT. A RIDICULOUSLY SHORT TIME LATER

NATALIE produces the GREATEST QUEEN IN ENGLISH HISTORY, like KING ERIC cares. CORINNE GALLOWAY walks by.

KING ERIC VIII

Well helloooooo...

NATALIE PORTMAN

Fuuuuuuuuck. If I don't crap out a son and FAST, my face is fly meat. Jim, you'll have to impregnate me.

JIM STURGESS

UM DAH NO GUH WHAAAAA?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh, relax. This brother-sister thing is going to be HUGE in the next few years.

(begins removing his shirt)

JIM STURGESS

Yeah, so's that beheading thing. Enjoy.

He leaves, unaware that JUNO TEMPLE has seen EVERYTHING. She reports this to KING ERIC, who has JIM beheaded and NATALIE arrested.

SIR MARK RYLANCE

Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Who could have possibly predicted that things would go this wrong?!

LADY KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

(smokes cigarette)

INT. COURT

SCARLETT rushes in to meet KING ERIC.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Could you do me a solid and NOT kill my sister?

KING ERIC VIII

The same sister who seduced me away from you and sent you and your bastard packing in disgrace?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Yes, that one. After all, blood is thicker than spooge.

KING ERIC VIII

Well... okay.

(two seconds later)

On the other hand, this "king changes his mind about mercy for an accused traitor" thing is going to be HUGE in the next few years.

NATALIE is brought before the CROWD.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Good Christian people, I have come here to give you the impression that I'm going to deliver a speech powerful enough to garner your sympathy at the last minute. I beseech you all to forgive me for crying and spasming like Tweak watching Schindler's List. Peace.

She loses the will to live her HEAD.

INT. EPILOGUE

SIR MARK RYLANCE and DUKE DAVID MORRISSEY died in disgrace before they could make good on their plans to run THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN NORFOLK.

KING ERIC's break with ROME changed the kingdom forever, except for a five-year period after QUEEN ANA OF TORRAGON'S DAUGHTER released her line of MAKE ENGLAND CATHOLIC AGAIN hats.

SCARLETT was actively involved in raising NATALIE'S DAUGHTER, which so completely DID NOT HAPPEN.

NATALIE'S DAUGHTER turned out to be the STRONG HEIR for whom KING ERIC desperately longed, suckaaaaaaaas!

Desperate for a SIGN that all was not lost for historical filmmaking, JESS M. watched MASTER AND COMMANDER three times that day.

END