FADE IN:

EXT. VENICE

The MOVIE opens with a 17th-CENTURY JAMES BOND SCUBA DIVING SEQUENCE, which LOOKS about as plausible as it SOUNDS. After KILLING FOUR GUARDS UNNECESSARILY, the SCUBA MAN is revealed to be MUSKETEER MATTHEW MACFADYEN.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

I'm the broody leader one!

MILLA JOVOVICH turns up in the FILM, SURPRISE SURPRISE. They do that ACTION MOVIE THING WHERE THEY EACH THREATEN EACH OTHER WITH BODILY HARM, THEN KISS PASSIONATELY. MILLA then hands him a KEY.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

How was the bishop?

MILLA JOVOVICH

Not as good as you.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Ahh, you just had sex with another man. What an aphrodisiac. Time for another smooch!

They KISS AGAIN to ram home the point that they're REALLY INTO EACH OTHER. On a nearby ROOFTOP, EZIO AUDITORE takes a LEAP OF FAITH onto a VENETIAN GONDOLA. EZIO is revealed to be MUSKETEER LUKE EVANS.

LUKE EVANS

I'm the religious one, and also apparently the ladies' man, even though neither of these personality traits will ever show up again in the movie!

He get his KEY and starts making out with a PROSTITUTE on the GONDOLA, because THAT'S APPARENTLY HOW MUSKETEERS ROLL. In a nearby BUILDING, RAY STEVENSON is captured, but not really, because his INTERROGATOR TIL SCHWIEGER has a KEY too!

RAY STEVENSON

I'm the portly jovial one, even though neither of these personality traits will ever show up again in the movie!

He ESCAPES his STEEL CHAINS by PULLING ON THEM A BIT and gets his KEY.

CUT TO:

INT. PREPOSTEROUS ITALIAN SCROLL VAULT

The MUSKETEERS plus MILLA enter the VAULT with their KEYS.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Right, so all that separates us from stealing Da Vinci's plans for a fully-automated aerial warship -

LUKE EVANS

Hang on, aren't we meant to be Musketeers? Defending King and country and all that? Why are we suddenly France's Impossible Missions Force?

RAY STEVENSON

I think the more important question is why we're stealing military blueprints from Italy. These guys aren't famous for winning wars. They've never won, well, any battle. Ever. Ever ever ever.

LUKE EVANS

I agree. What's our next mission going to be, stealing soap from the British?

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

- as I was saying, all that separates us from the plans is this elaborately booby-trapped corridor.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Allow me! I desperately need to justify my existence in this film anyway.

(Looking directly at camera)

Hi, hubby!

Despite wearing 17th CENTURY FEMALE FORMALWEAR, MILLA JOVOVICH steals DA VINCI'S AIRSHIP PLANS by PARKOURING her way through the entire CORRIDOR. In 3D, no less!

LUKE EVANS

What a tasteful use of 3D film-making.

RAY STEVENSON

Don't speak too soon - there are airships in this film.

LUKE EVANS

Good point.

INT. ITALIAN HIDEOUT

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

We got the plans and I'm in love with Milla! Hooray!

He CELEBRATES in a BROODY WAY.

LUKE EVANS

I hate to be a stickler, but the entire Italian government is looking for us. Shouldn't we get out of here as quickly as possible with the super-weapon plans?

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Pfft. What's our hurry? Let's get pissed!

Everyone REJOICES WITH ALCOHOL! Then MILLA JOVOVICH turns out to be a TRAITOR, which is a SHOCKING TWIST for anyone who has never READ OR SEEN ANYTHING EVER.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Surprise, I'm a bitch! I've betrayed you all to Orlando Bloom.

ORLANDO BLOOM enters, having cleverly reimagined the real-life DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM as a GAY FOP SUPERVILLAIN.

ORLANDO BLOOM'S COIFFURE

I sssay, no hard fffeelings, I'm shhure?

RAY STEVENSON

I know you're trying to show your range by taking this part, but slurring your consonants does not a villain make.

ORLANDO BLOOM'S GROOMED BEARD

We'll ssssee. I could have alerted the Italians to where you arrre, or, you know, kkkilled you, but...hmm. Make a note, Milla. We'll do one of those things nexxxxt time.

ORLANDO BLOOM, his HAIR, and MILLA all ESCAPE with the PLANS.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE

LOGAN LERMAN is training in swordplay with his father, DEXTER FLETCHER.

DEXTER FLETCHER

You've got a very important role ahead of you, son.

LOGAN LERMAN

I'm going to join the Musketeers!

DEXTER FLETCHER

I actually meant you're going to be the one character in the film with an American accent. Studio executives are apparently terrified that American film audiences can't relate to French people sounding, well, French. But don't worry: everyone else will sound British, so you'll be just as inaccurate as everyone else!

LOGAN LERMAN

You've been a very special father to me. That's why I'm leaving you and mother forever.

LOGAN rides into PARIS.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARIS COURTYARD

A ONE-EYED MADS MIKKELSEN suddenly turns up in the film, apparently trying to corner the lucrative Hollywood market on VILLAINS WITH OCULAR DISABILITIES.

LOGAN LERMAN

Whoops, while dismounting my horse I sprayed mud and excrement all over your cloak. Now I'm going to provoke a fight with you because you look evil and insulted my horse, even though an infant could tell I'm clearly the one at fault here.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Fair enough.

MADS MIKKELSEN takes out his PISTOL and INDIANA JONESES LOGAN LERMAN.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Now to finish you off!

In a marvelous coincidence, MILLA JOVOVICH is RIDING BY.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Spare this boy, he's too pretty to die.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Yes, that seems like something a captain of the guard would care about. You're off the hook for now, boy.

LOGAN LERMAN

Well, it seems my youthful cheek and cocky behaviour nearly got me killed. I should heed the obvious moral message and try to make some friends in this unknown city.

(pause)

Actually, check that - I'm going to bump into three random strangers and challenge them to duels.

In another marvelous coincidence, those three random strangers are MATTHEW MACFADYEN, LUKE EVANS AND RAY STEVENSON.

LOGAN LERMAN

Oh wow, now I realise that you three are not only Musketeers, but the greatest and most heroic examples of the profession I wish to enter. I'm still totally going to try to kill you, though.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Perfect! This film will make a huge amount of cash now that we've successfully nailed the crucial 'teen douchebag' demographic.

All of the GOOD GUYS are about to KILL EACH OTHER, but luckily, some CANNON FODDER turn up and provoke a fight.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

All wrongs are pardoned in the face of murdering extras!

The THREE MUSKETEERS plus LOGAN LERMAN successfully MUTILATE, MAIM and EVISCERATE several hundred STORMTROOPERS in MUSKETEER OUTFITS. In the aftermath of the fray, LOGAN LERMAN approaches GABRIELLA WILDE.

LOGAN LERMAN

Hey girl, I'm one for all and all for one. One night with you, that is.

GABRIELLA WILDE

(woodenest wooden face acting ever)

Are you always this cocky?

LOGAN LERMAN

For the sake of your future acting career, I certainly hope that there's a bomb strapped to your facial muscles that you're trying not to set off.

The MUSKETEERS are CAPTURED! But KING FREDDIE FOX and QUEEN JUNO TEMPLE are impressed by SHINY OBJECTS and FANCY STORIES, so they are released. This irritates EVIL CARDINAL CHRISTOPH WALTZ.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

There must be a contrived way for me to defeat all my enemies and ascend to dictatorial rulership of France! Someone get me a glass of delicious milk while I think of it.

CUT TO:

INT. MUSKETEER LODGE

The THREE MUSKETEERS arrive at their LODGINGS with LOGAN LERMAN.

RAY STEVENSON

Given that we were all planning to kill you, I see no problem with you moving in with us.

LUKE EVANS

Logan, meet James Corden, A.K.A. every painful fat comic relief stock character you've ever met.

JAMES CORDEN enters, immediately says something PAINFULLY ANNOYING, and NEVER RECOVERS FACE.

CUT TO:

INT. THE CARDINAL'S CHESS ROOM LAIR THINGY

CHRISTOPH WALTZ is HOLDING COURT with MILLA JOVOVICH.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

OK, Milla Jovovich, here's my evil plan:

(deep breath)

You plant false love letters in the Queen's Chambers, then steal her necklace and hide it in the Tower of London with Orlando Bloom's spare wigs. I'll get the King to throw a ball where she'll be expected to wear the necklace. She won't be able to wear the necklace because it will be in the Tower of London. The king will be cuckolded and behead the Queen. Because of this, the public will lose confidence in him, demand a new leader, and make me ruler of all France!

(deep breath)

MILLA JOVOVICH

As long as none of those people talk to each other, every single person behaves exactly as you've predicted, and the people of France give a crap what happens to their Queen, it's a no-fail plan!

CUT TO:

INT. MUSKETEER BASE

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

We're going to England to stop the Cardinal's nefarious scheme.

RAY STEVENSON

(actual line)

Not to fear. I hear that English women are like frosted champagne: ice on the outside, but once you warm them up...

He makes a VAGUE HAND GESTURE.

LUKE EVANS

They're undrinkable? They're bubbly? Oh good, we've completely abandoned making sense with our analogies. In that case, saving the day will be like eating a cake: it will cost money and contain yeast.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Right, so here's the plan - the Three Musketeers are the decoys, and Logan Lerman will steal back the necklace.

CUT TO:

INT. ORLANDO BLOOM'S EVIL LAIR AND DISCOUNT HAIR SALON

LOGAN LERMAN goes in, is IMMEDIATELY CAPTURED, and is brought before ORLANDO BLOOM.

ORLANDO BLOOM'S TRIMMED EYEBROWS

Nyah nyah nyah, mustache twirl mustache twirl, any last wwwwords?

LOGAN LERMAN

Guess what? I'm the decoy after all.

ORLANDO BLOOM'S 17TH-CENTURY SOUL PATCH

Huh?

LOGAN LERMAN

That's right, it was such a secret plan that we didn't even say it out loud when we were planning it, for some reason!

The THREE MUSKETEERS, having stolen a CGI AIRSHIP, start WRECKING SHIT GOOD with ANACHRONISTIC WEAPONRY. Everyone without DIALOGUE in the FILM is INSTANTLY MURDERED: all ACTORS with SIX-FIGURE SALARIES SURVIVE.

CUT TO:

EXT. AIRSHIP

MILLA JOVOVICH is captured, relinquishes the DIAMONDS, then voluntarily falls off the AIRSHIP.

LUKE EVANS

You must have really loved each other.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Actually, this being the 17th century, I was just psyched to be sleeping with a woman who had teeth.

Everyone treats her MILLA JOVOVICH as if she has died, even though SHE IS THE DIRECTOR'S WIFE AND OBVIOUSLY HASN'T.

LOGAN LERMAN

Well, that was relatively painless. I guess now we just have to -

THINGS EXPLODE! IN 3D! MADS MIKKELSEN appears with a GNARLY EVIL SKULL AIRSHIP WITH AN EXPRESSIONLESS MERMAID STATUE ON ITS PROW OH WAIT IT'S JUST GABRIELLA WILDE.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Bwa ha ha! My larger CGI airship has Gabriella Wilde strapped to the front! You can't fire on me without killing her!

LOGAN LERMAN

One woman's life weighed against the entirety of France, and potentially Europe as well. Talk about being in a pickle! Matthew MacFadyen, you're the most well-developed Musketeer character: what the hell do I do?!

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

(actual speech)

I've made a lot of sacrifices, a lot of hard choices...for honour, for king, for country. You want to know what I've learned, boy? Hard choices and sacrifices do not keep you warm at night. Life's too damn short, too damn long, to go through it without someone at your side. Don't end up like me. Choose the woman. Fight for love. France will take care of itself.

LOGAN LERMAN

Huh.

LUKE EVANS

Yeah.

RAY STEVENSON

So...is anyone going to address the inconsistencies in that "speech"?

LUKE EVANS

Leave it, Ray. We're in danger of developing personalities.

LOGAN LERMAN

Excellent. Fuck France. I think I've got a chance with this expressionless babe.

LOGAN devises a DUBIOUS SCHEME which culminates in him aboard MADS MIKKELSEN'S AIRSHIP with the DIAMONDS. The MUSKETEERS open fire on that airship immediately, because HARD CHOICES are RELATIVELY EASY CHOICES when you're sacrificing a CLUELESS YOUNG MAN instead of a HOT CHICK.

CUT TO:

EXT. OMINOUS PARIS ROOFTOPS

LOGAN LERMAN corners MADS MIKKELSEN on the ROOFTOPS of PARIS, with THUNDER CRASHING OVERHEAD, of course. MADS MIKKELSEN stabs LOGAN LERMAN the requisite number of times to create the illusion of tension, then KNOCKS HIS SWORD OUT OF HIS HANDS, UP INTO THE AIR.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Don't worry, I've got the reflexes of Darth Maul, so your sword will defy gravity above us - in 3D! - for a few seconds while I say my final line in the movie...

The SWORD FALLS DOWN, LOGAN somehow GRABS IT, PARRIES, and STABS MADS.

MADS MIKKELSEN

...and there it is.

LOGAN LERMAN

You should have apologised to my horse.

MADS falls off the ROOF and DIES, INNOCENT VICTIM to the HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES of an IRRATIONAL HORSE LOVER.

CUT TO:

EXT. PALACE GARDEN

The THREE-AND-A-HALF MUSKETEERS CRASH their CGI AIRSHIP into the palace garden. FREDDIE FOX AND CHRISTOPH WALTZ rush to CONFRONT them.

QUEEN JUNO TEMPLE

Don't worry, I'm wearing my diamonds! I'm not a slut! Definitely not a slut. We'll be keeping my head on, please.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

How the hell did you get the diamonds to the Queen if Logan and you all just turned up on the airship?!

GABRIELLA WILDE

The airship had a teleporter. Which, in the context of this film, is one of the easier continuity flaws to swallow.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Whoops. Heh heh. I've been caught red-handed trying to incite regicide. I'm in trouble now.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Actually, for no apparent reason at all, we're all going to cover for you, blame it all on dissident henchmen, and make you seem like a national hero.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

But...why?

LUKE EVANS

We want you back for the sequel, I guess? I don't know. Ever since this movie inserted the Hindenburg with a Gatling gun and flamethrowers into early-17th century France, the honeymoon with logic has been over.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

That's a bingo?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ leaves the FILM as confused as the AUDIENCE. Nonetheless, a PARTY is THROWN. All the couples MACK ON EACH OTHER, HISTORICAL STYLE. JAMES CORDEN says one last UNFUNNY THING, looking VISIBLY ASHAMED for EXISTING. The now-FOUR MUSKETEERS all LOCK SWORDS.

MUSKETEERS

All for one, and one for all!

RAY STEVENSON

Perfect. We end with the classic words of Alexandre Dumas.

DIRECTOR PAUL W.S. ANDERSON

Who the hell is that? Out of the way, Stevenson, I need to shoot an epilogue which renders that reasonably satisfying ending pointless.

CUT TO:

EXT. ENGLISH CHANNEL

ORLANDO BLOOM REVIVES MILLA JOVOVICH.

ORLANDO BLOOM'S GOATEE

You're allllive! And so am I! And we're at the head of an English armada I pulled out of my probably-coiffed anus!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Where are you taking us?

ORLANDO BLOOM'S 17TH-CENTURY AFRO

Straight to the inevitable, regrettable, unnecessary ssssequel.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Don't worry: if I blow my husband hard enough before filming begins, we'll come back in the next film with jetpacks and laser guns.

END