FADE IN:

EXT. DESOLATE SNOWY PLAINS OF ANTARCTICA

An OPENING CAPTION appears in the SAME FONT used by the 1982 MOVIE, which makes the countless millions of people who care about both 1980s SCI-FI HORROR and FONTS immediately SPOOGE THEMSELVES.

A vehicle comes into view, carrying three guys from an INDEPENDENT NORWEGIAN MOVIE.

NORWEGIAN #1

Hey, let me tell you a joke that anybody who's had an Internet connection for more than two days has already heard.

But suddenly, the VEHICLE crashes through the ICE into a MASSIVE CREVASSE and gets WEDGED TEN MILES BELOW THE SURFACE!!!

NORWEGIAN #2

AAAAIEEE! How will we ever escape this predicament?

(pause)

I'm sure that will be dealt with later on. Go ahead, introduce the hero.

INT. SOME LAB NOT IN ANTARCTICA

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD is performing experiments on a leftover creature effect from SILVER BULLET when her old friend ERIC OLSEN arrives.

ERIC OLSEN

(with constipated expression)

Hi Mary. Please meet my boss, a douchebag Norwegian scientist.

DOUCHEMANN P. SCIENCESEN

Mary, I understand that 1980s sci-fi monsters are your area of expertise. I need your help retrieving one from a large alien structure buried in the Antarctic ice.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Aw geez. This isn't another godawful Alien vs. Predator movie, is it?

DOUCHEMANN P. SCIENCESEN

No, no, it's the Thing. I promise.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Then I accept.

(pause)

Well, THAT brief conversation sure was worth shattering the unity of setting for.

EXT. BACK TO ANTARCTICA FOR THE WHOLE REST OF THE MOVIE, GOSH IT REALLY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HARD TO PRESERVE THAT UNITY OF SETTING NOW WOULD IT

DOUCHEMANN P. SCIENCESEN

Allow me to introduce everyone, including those three guys we last saw hopelessly trapped.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

So how'd you get them out?

DOUCHEMANN P. SCIENCESEN

And over here is the rec room. Say hello, boys.

OLAF-SVEN GINGERBERG

Hi Mary! They call me "Fright Wig" because my hair constantly looks like I just stuck my dick in a light socket.

SVEN-ERIK GENERICSSON

I drink like a maniac, for I am Scandinavian!

BOSSMANN B. BOSSERSSEN

I am their boss.

BRITISH GUY

I am British for some reason.

OLE-SVEN THINGBAITSEN

I look forward to a long and happy life of uneventful scientific pursuit.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Pleased to meet all of you. Even though we won't be able to mimic Carpenter's technique of heightened isolation through having no female characters, perhaps I can achieve something comparable by being the only woman amongst a sea of indistinguishable men.

LADYPARTS Q. FEMALESBERG

Oh, and there's me.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Hm. Well, I could still be the only Westerner amongst...

ERIC OLSEN

(looking severely constipated)

Hey, two Americans just arrived!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

And there goes that idea all to hell.

INT. THING-HOLDING ROOM

The NORWEGIANS take MARY to see the GIANT BLOCK OF ICE WITH THE THING IN IT.

DOUCHEMANN P. SCIENCESEN

(to entire cast gathered around)

Remember, we found this next to an alien spaceship, so there's no telling what the hell it is or what unknown contagions it may carry. So please, everyone lean in face-first while I cut through the ice with this rusty old drill.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Shouldn't we make at least some attempt at sterilization?

DOUCHEMANN P. SCIENCESEN

Oh, look at Little Miss Hygene over here, next you'll be saying I should be blowing my nose with Kleenex instead of junkie crotch.

(gathers tissue sample with open sores on tongue)

Now I'm off to run some tests. I'm sure the frozen alien will be totally safe in this heated room.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

And for not knowing that ice melts, you are now in serious contention for worst movie scientist ever.

No sooner have they stepped outside the room than the THING, known for its sneaky tactics and subterfuge, BUSTS THE HELL OUT OF THE ICE AND JUMPS THROUGH THE DAMN CEILING!

ADEWALE AKINNOUYE-AGBAJE (AMERICAN #1)

Oh frick! Frickin frick! What the frick! We're fricked now!

JOEL EDGERTON (AMERICAN #2)

Why are you saying "frick"? We swear plenty in the rest of the movie.

ADEWALE AKINNOUYE-AGBAJE

Oh we do? Sorry, I'll go back to "fuck" then.

EXT. BASE

The group SPLITS UP and starts NONCHALANTLY POKING AROUND, strolling here and there, casually looking for the BIG HUGE FUCKING ALIEN FROM OUTER FUCKING SPACE THAT COULD BE GOD KNOWS WHAT BUT HEY LET'S NOT GET WORKED UP OR TAKE PRECAUTIONS OR ANYTHING BECAUSE THAT WOULDN'T BE NORWEGIAN OF US OR SOME BULLSHIT.

LIEF-OLAF USELESSON

Well, let's check another random building.

OLE-SVEN THINGBAITSEN

(grabbed by Thing appendage)

AARRGH IT'S GOT MEEEEEEEEEEE

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Dear Lord, it swallowed him up and is copying him!

ERIK-LIEF INTERCHANGEABLESSEN

What's the damned point of copying somebody when you first kill them in front of witnesses? Kind of ruins the disguise just a wee bit, dont'cha think?

They FLAMEBROIL the THING!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Quick, give me a sample of that for the lab. And then put some side flank on rye with mayo and dijon, I haven't eaten a damn thing since I got here.

INT. LAB

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(looking through microscope)

Oh my God.

ERIC OLSEN

(desperately straining to crap, failing)

What? What did you find, Mary?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

It's truly astonishing. Somehow, our superior graphics capability wasn't able to make the Thing cells even one thirty-seventh as chilling as they did in 1982 with their 8-bit shitbox of an adding machine.

INT. HELICOPTER

The AMERICANS decide to airlift two NORWEGIANS out of the base on account of them being EVEN MORE DULL AND FORGETTABLE THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

BOREWEGIAN #1

I feel so sick, I bet I'm the Thing.

BOREWEGIAN #2

(Thinging out)

RAAARRRGH, SURPRISE, IT'S ME!!!

BOREWEGIAN #1

OH CRAP ANYONE WHO DIDN'T SEE THE TRAILER IS TOTALLY SURPRISED RIGHT NOW!!!

THING

What, they put this in the damn trailer? It was my most effective surprise reveal of the whole movie. Fuckers.

The HELICOPTER CRASHES SPECTACULARLY in an ENORMOUS FIREBALL of...

DIRECTOR MATTHIJS VAN HEIJNINGEN JR.

Whoa, whoa, I don't think we have the time or money for that.

The HELICOPTER SPIRALS AWKWARDLY beyond a NEARBY RIDGE and VANISHES FROM SIGHT, followed by a REALLY FAKE CGI SMOKE PLUME!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

I guess that's the end of them.

OLAF-SVEN DOYOUHEARTHATMISTERANDERSON-ITISTHESOUNDOFINEVITABILITY-ITISTHESOUNDOFYOURDEATH-GOODBYEMISTERANDERSSON

You don't think anyone survived?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Maybe, but if that were me I'd be embarrassed to show my face. That effect was barely worthy of an old A-Team episode.

INT. BACK AT BASE

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Goddammit! Despite everything, people still refuse to accept what is going on.

LADYPARTS Q. FEMALESBERG

I believe you, Mary. In fact I think I saw something helpful. It's in this secluded area way off from everyone else, let me show you.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Okay, thanks!

LADYPARTS Q. FEMALESBERG

It's just down these dark stairs to this unlit storage room. You go first.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Excellent!

LADYPARTS Q. FEMALESBERG

Now to find the clue you need to baste yourself in these turkey drippings, hold this apple in your mouth and climb into that oven.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Sure thing!

(does so)

Gee, why can't I find a clue anywhere?

LADYPARTS Q. FEMALESBERG

I dunno. Keep looking while I slowly reveal my Thing nature.

(gradually transforms)

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Okey-dokey!

(pause)

Can I stop now?

THING

(in last stages of transformation)

Almost done, just a sec.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

This iz so lame lol going now c u l8r

THING

No, wait, I was just about to kill you, honest!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

whtvr

She ESCAPES! They chase the THING down and FLAMETHROWER THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF IT, EXTRA CRISPY STYLE WITH A SMALL SIDE OF GRAVY.

OLAF-SVEN GINGERBERG

Boy, am I glad I ordered an extra seven thousand tons of fuel this month. We still have 200 more flames to throw before the movie's over.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Okay, listen up. This thing kills its victims by getting them alone somewhere. Under no circumstances should you ever be alone with anyone!

BOSSMANN B. BOSSERSSON

Gotcha.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Okay. Now there's a lot to do, so let's all split up in pairs and wander off separately, ensuring that absolutely everybody is alone with one other person.

INT. BASE - A BIT LATER

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Lief-Olaf, did you collect those blood samples so we can test for Thingness?

LIEF-OLAF USELESSON

I did but then the Thing destroyed them all! It must have seen the 1982 film as well and anticipated we would do that.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

I've thought of something else, though. The Thing can't imitate any metal it finds, and rather than just replace all the cells around it as you might expect, it instead spits the metal out, so as to provide handy clues! This means we can be sure that anyone with metal in them is still human.

ERIK-LIEF INTERCHANGEABLESSEN

I have bronze fillings, so I'm safe.

LIEF-OLAF USELESSON

I have a studded cock ring, look!

SVEN-ERIK GENERICSSON

(ripping open own chest to reveal panels, circuitry)

I'm actually an android!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

All right, you three are OK. The others stand over there.

ERIC OLSEN

(bowels stretched to breaking point with pent-up fecal matter)

Now what?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Now we stand here and stare at each other until the next plot point happens.

The AMERICANS burst in!

ADEWALE AKINNOUYE-AGBAJE

Ha ha, we survived! Now it's OUR turn to be paranoid and in charge!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Fine. Just remember that we should all be safe as long as we stick together from now on.

LIEF-OLAF USELESSON

Wait, wasn't there a scene in the 1982 Thing where it attacked everyone at once?

BOSSMANN B. BOSSERSSEN

(erupting into 600 Things)

THERE WAS INDEED!! RAAARRGH! IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!!

JOEL EDGERTON

Hey, wrong "Thing", dude!

THING

Hey, perhaps you missed it, dude, but assimilating behaviour is TOTALLY MY BAG, BABY!!

The MAIN BOSSERSSEN THING whips out LETHAL LIGHTNING-FAST STABBY-TENTACLES that MORTALLY WOUND ADEWALE AKINNOUYE-AGBAJE and the HOPELESSLY CONSTIPATED ERIC OLSEN!!

THING

Wow, where were these in 1982 when I needed them? Or elsewhere in this movie, even?

ERIC OLSEN

(writhing)

Aw please, don't Thing me, bro! Don't Thing me! Not cool!

THING

Your pleas are useless! I shall now seize your form and duplicate all your insides, starting with HOLY JESUS CRAP WHAT THE DAMN FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN EATING!?! FUCK ME THAT IS SO BEYOND GROSS!! Alright, I'll fuse to you sideways, but that's as FAR as I'm taking this! Sweet Christ, they don't have All-Bran on this godforsaken planet?!?

The THINGS keep on merrily KILLING CAST MEMBERS until finally MARY grabs one of the dozens of FLAMETHROWERS and starts BURNING SHIT LEFT AND RIGHT.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(singing)

Any Thing Kurt can burn, I can burn hotter... I can burn any Thing hotter than Kurt...

Finally they corner the REMAINING PIECES OF THING out in a hallway and CONVECTION ROAST THEM AT 450 DEGREES FOR 2 HOURS PER POUND REMOVING THE FOIL COVERING AFTER ONE-HALF COOKING TIME.

JOEL EDGERTON

Geez, that one's barely half a forearm. What's it screaming with?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Never mind that, I just realized that Douchemann-Thing has gone back to its spaceship!

JOEL EDGERTON

To repair it? That should give us plenty of time to come up with a plan...

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

It should, but we can't rule out the possibility that the spaceship is in perfect working order, and the Thing has simply been ignoring that option this whole time for absolutely no reason.

JOEL EDGERTON

Dammit, you're right. Let's go.

INT. SPACESHIP

MARY explores and finds a DELETED SCENE from the original TRON.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Wow, this 80's relic must be the nerve centre of the whole ship!

THING

Yes it is. And speaking of nerve centres, time to absorb yours!

MARY dives in a TUNNEL and is chased by THING TENTACLES, but she gets around a CORNER where they CAN'T QUITE REACH HER but can only THRASH AROUND MENACINGLY!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Aaiiee! I hope it doesn't remember that it can detach parts of itself or I am surely dead!

THING

Oh yeah... to be honest, I'm worried that if I REALLY try to kill you, Michael Cera will show up and destroy me in a hail of coins.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(grabs giant grenade)

Well I guess that's your downfall, then! And although this would be a great time to quote Kurt Russell's "Yeah, well fuck you too!" line, I won't, despite all the other moments and scenes we've meticulously paid homage to!

The Thing GOES BIG BOOM! MARY meets up with JOEL EDGERTON outside.

JOEL EDGERTON

Congratulations, Mary! Let's go celebrate by leaving gobs of our saliva on some public transportation somewhere, er, as is human custom. Whaddya say?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(solemnly grabbing flamethrower)

Sorry, I don't think so. Do you know how I knew you were human, before?

JOEL EDGERTON

Nope.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

It was your single earring. Which also let me know not to bother hitting on you. Anyway, it's gone.

(pause)

Of course when I say "you" I mean the human you, who is already dead and not even here, so I don't know why I'm even telling you this instead of just burning you up.

THING

Oh, that's okay, I was interested to know. Which is why I haven't used any of my millions of possible attack options on you while you were going on and on. So, time to burn me up I guess?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Suppose so.

She LOVINGLY FLAME-GRILLS the THING while MARINATING IT IN HER SIGNATURE SAUCE, THEN TOPPING IT JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT, ONLY $3.99 WITH ANY DRINK PURCHASE!!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Phew, I've finally defeated the Thing and made it to the end of the movie! And now, here's my impersonation of Jack Nicholson from The Shining.

(freezes to death)

EXT. BACK AT THE BASE

BRITISH GUY

Hm. If I remember right, Kurt Russell found some guy with his throat and wrists cut. Wonder who that was?

(looks around, sees nobody else)

Oh. Really? Why wouldn't I just wait for rescue and...

(slits own wrist, throat)

...fine, I can take a hint.

(dies)

Outside, a PILOT arrives in the HELICOPTER from THE THING (1982) and finds SVEN-ERIK GENERICSSON!

SVEN-ERIK GENERICSSON

Thank goodness you're here! We've got to keep the Thing contained inside this franchise by linking seamlessly to the 1982 opening.

PILOT T. PREQUELSSON

What happens if we fail?

SVEN-ERIK GENERICSSON

If it escapes, it could spread to other 1980s intellectual properties, replacing them with soulless copies that bear a superficial resemblance but are hideous abominations inside, until none are left!

PILOT T. PREQUELSSON

You mean like Fright Night... Conan the Barbarian... The A-Team... Transformers... The Karate Kid... Clash of the Titans... Footloose... The Dukes of Hazzard... Fame... The Hitcher... A Nightmare on Elm Street...

SVEN-ERIK GENERICSSON

Oh God, we're already too late!!

(shoots pilot, self)

END