FADE IN:

EXT. SOUTH KOREAN HIGHWAY

An everyday TRUCK DRIVER passes through a FORESHADOWING CHECKPOINT.

GUARD

Excuse me sir, just thought you should know there's a QUARANTINED AREA! Something with a VIRUS is going on!

TRUCK DRIVER

That sure sounds ominous, thanks! Yes, the whole audience was already braced for zombieness the second they walked in, but I'm glad we sowed that seed!

Down the road, the TRUCK DRIVER runs over a DEER... which turns out to be a ZOMBIE DEER!

ZOMBAMBI

Oh-ho, looks like one of the distinguishing features of THIS latest entry to the genre, is gonna be ZOMBIE WILDLIFE! Can't wait to see how THIS figures into the plot!

(there is zero more zombie wildlife)

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

Business suit guy GONG YOO arrives home from work, greeted by his MOM and his daughter, KIM SU-AN.

GONG YOO

Happy birthday, my dearest... daughter, right? Sorry I've been working so much. Have a present, I'm told this is what every kid between 3 and 18 years old wants.

KIM SU-AN

A Wii? You got me this same fucking thing for Children's Day, Christmas, Buddha's Birthday, Mid-Autumn Festival, and Hangeul Proclamation Day (thanks, Google)! This would suck ass even if the entire world HADN'T moved on from the Wii six years ago.

GONG YOO

If you wanted a different gift, you just had to schedule a meeting to present various options, geez!

KIM SU-AN

Plus I'm hugely upset you didn't show up for my school recital. I didn't even finish my song.

GONG YOO

Look, school recitals in movies ONLY exist so that overworked parents can miss them, OK? That is WHAT THEY ARE FOR. Can't I get you another present?

KIM SU-AN

All I want is to go see Mom, in Busan. I can go myself! I even bought my own ticket.

GONG YOO

(reads ticket)

What the fuck is a Snowpiercer?!? Fuck THAT shit! Fine, fine, I'll take you.

INT. TRAIN STATION

GONG YOO and KIM SU-AN board the TRAIN and find their seats in the ECLECTIC ASSORTMENT OF COLOURFUL CHARACTERS SECTION, a staple trope of the mass-transit-disaster genre that's remained mostly unaltered over the last FORTY YEARS.

GONG YOO

Right then Su-An, I'm going to watch you and make sure you don't get into any zzzzz

(falls asleep)

KIM SU-AN

Guess I'll wander around a bit, give everyone a chance to introduce themselves...

BASEBALL BOY

Hello! I'm in teenage lurv with Baseball Girl, but hugely shy about it!

BASEBALL GIRL

Whereas I am not! Why ARE you so awkward about your feelings when clearly I, and all our friends, are completely cool with it?

BASEBALL BOY

Honestly, having our entire team shout "Accept your fate" when a zombie movie's about to happen, isn't helping me feel at ease.

ELDERLY SISTERS

Welcome audience. We're clearly close companions of some kind, but don't mention the "sisters" thing until much later, so it's okay for everyone to speculate for a while.

ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY

I do business, and I'm an asshole!

MA DONG-SEOK

I'm clearly the coolest guy on this entire train. I mean, check out this bitchin' blazer. Plus I'm using my real name so clearly I'm a major player.

JUNG YU-MI

Me too! I'm playing Dong-Seok's wife. I'm also visibly pregnant, but that won't slow me down when it counts!

HOMELESS DUDE

I'm the grungy-as-fuck homeless dude that somehow snuck onto the train past all the employees.

RANDOM INFECTED GIRL

Oh, it's not that tricky, I jumped on right before the train left! Anyway RAAARRRGHHHHHH

(chomps people)

(chomped people chomp more people)

(whoooole lotta chompin')

PASSENGERS

AAIEEEE QUICK EVERYONE RUSH MADLY FORWARD TO OTHER CARS, NOBODY CLOSE ANY DOORS AND NOBODY EVEN THINK OF JUMPING OFF EVEN THOUGH WE BARELY LEFT THE STATION AND LIKELY AREN'T GOING ALL THAT FAST JUST YET

The onrushing PASSENGERS finally reach the car with our HEROES in it and somebody finally slides a door SHUT. They STRAIN to hold it closed until GONG YOO realizes something!

GONG YOO

Wait--I don't think they can open sliding doors. Not sure what I'm basing that on, but let's test my theory. Worst case, they open the door and we all die horribly in moments.

JUNG YU-MI

You were right! And I've also realized that the moment they don't see us, they forget we exist! Putting this wet newspaper on the door's window will protect us.

MA DONG-SEOK

And some people say newspapers are useless in this digital age. Ha!

CONDUCTOR

(over P.A.)

Attention everyone. It is important that everyone remain calm, there is no reason to panic. Now it's true that a few of our passengers are undead. SLIGHTLY undead. But the crew is just fine, at the controls driving the train, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

(pause)

We'll be making a stop up ahead where the military will welcome us, solve everything, and give us all hugs and hot tea. So sit back and relax, watch some television.

TELEVISION NEWSCASTER

And now breaking news. South Korea is currently in the grip of a rampaging virus... called BIEBER FEVER! Ha ha ha ha, but seriously, everything is totes fine. No need to panic, burn cities, go around destabilizing our economy, nope, let's not be doing any of that. The situation is hunky dory.

Everyone's SMARTPHONES immediately light up with TEXTS and TWEETS suggesting that the situation is in fact SOMEWHAT FAR FUCKING REMOVED from HUNKY DORY and is more like EMACIATED NEVER-FOUND DYING-OF-HUNGER CREATING-ILL-ADVISED-PHOTOSHOPS-WITH-USAIN-BOLT DORY.

ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY

(frowning)

Oh geez... The last dozen texts from my office are ARRRGHH, ARRRGHHHHH, OH GOD NOOOOO, ARRGHHHH, and then BRRAIIIIINNZZZZ eight times. Something serious is going on!

GONG YOO

Shit, I gotta call my Mom!

(does so)

Mom, is everything okay?

GONG YOO'S MOM

(on phone)

I'm fine dear. But the neighbours are a bit... bitey.

(pause)

Don't worry about me. You should check on your ex-wife, that BITCHY CUNT BITCH TWATTY BITCH RRAAARGHHH

(line goes dead)

GONG YOO

Well, Mom sounds like herself, at least. Phew!

EXT. NEW TRAIN STATION

The TRAIN pulls in to the eerily deserted station and the NON-UNDEAD passengers tentatively exit.

MA DONG-SEOK

Is anyone seriously buying that this might be safe? If nothing else, the movie's called "Train to Busan" and we're only halfway to Busan, so no way are we stopping here, right?

GONG YOO

I'm sure everything's fine and the military are all simply waiting patiently for us somewhere. Probably down those stairs! Let's go, and feel free to use the escalators too since there's no possible reason you might suddenly want to reverse direction and those machines would become hideous deathtraps, ha ha haOHFUUUCK ZOMMBIE SOLDIERSS SHIIIIIITTT

There is much more ZOMBIE CHAOS during which the undead drooling hyperspastic zombies nevertheless remember to keep their weapons FIRMLY SECURED to their person, preventing even ONE MEASLY FIREARM from falling into our heroes' hands, since that would only make things less OVERWHELMINGLY FUCKING HARD for them.

BASEBALL BOY

ARRGH EVERYONE BACK TO THE TRAIN WHILE I LOCK THIS ONE DOOR!!

GONG YOO

BUT NO WAY CAN THAT ONE PUNY LOCK WITHSTAND ALL THOSE ZOMBIES

MA DONG-SEOK

WHY NOT, IF THE THREE OF US CAN HOLD THE DOOR AGAINST OVER A HUNDRED OF THEM

They finally LOCK the door and RUN, and about TWO SECONDS LATER the horde breaks through the glass anyway! Thus the trio accomplishes FUCKALL except winding up on a different train car than everyone else.

INT. BACK ON THE TRAIN

BASEBALL BOY

Luckily our phone service has survived the collapse of society so far, so I've learned that a few cars ahead of us are Jung Yu-Mi, Kim Su-An, one of the sisters, and Homeless Dude. Then Asshole Business Guy and the others are a few cars past that, at the front. Also I found some adorable dog videos if that would help anyone relax.

GONG YOO

Right! As the smallest group, it's up to us to fight through the zombie horde to reach the largest group!

MA DONG-SEOK

Everyone gear up! I'm ditching my awesome blazer that covers my entire arms, so I can tape up my forearms and leave my upper arms utterly bare!

With a combination of stealth, wits, and VIOLENT BLUDGEONING, CHASE GROUP #1 reaches CHASE GROUP #2 and together they make it to the MAIN PELOTON GROUP, but they've secured their door!

MA DONG-SEOK

Hurry, I can't hold off all these zombies alone! Though I'm actually doing pretty well so far, to be honest... ARRGH MY HAND! FUCK, THEY BIT MY HAND!

JUNG YU-MI

NOOOO!! Alas, I figured we'd have a Cool Supporting Actor sacrifice at some point, but NOOOO! At least this gives the rest of the supporting cast a chance to live!

MA DONG-SEOK

My wound's made me even stronger too! Look, now I'm pushing back like a dozen zombies all by myself.

GONG YOO

That won't last! We've gotta get into the next car!

At last, our heroes make it through and shut the door behind them, just as MA DONG-SEOK is finally EATEN.

ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY

We can't trust you guys, you might be infected. We should quarantine you in the next car ahead!

BASEBALL BOY

Well it would be super easy to check us for bites, why don't... wait, the next car AHEAD? You mean, further AWAY from the zombies? Um, okay then.

Our hero gang merrily grudgingly skip ahead trudge along to the next car.

SISTER #1

Hey there's Sister #2 among the zombie horde. Grr, that bitch always HAD to do everything better than me. Now she thinks she can be undead better too? Well FUCK YOU SIS! I'll show you!!!

SISTER #1 unleashes the ZOMBIE HORDE who wipe out the remaining NON-SPEAKING ROLES!

CONDUCTOR

(over speakers)

Attention! The track ahead is blocked, but lucky for us we've reached a trainyard with lots of other options. Good thing it wasn't blocked anywhere sooner! Everyone sit tight while I, the oldest guy left, go out alone to find another working train, because I am a goddamn fucking hero.

EXT. TRAIN YARD

HERO CONDUCTOR dodges some ZOMBIES like a FUCKING HERO, manages to find a new TRAIN and coasts it forward, waiting for the others, just as...

THOMAS THE RUNAWAY TRAIN ON FIRE

RARRRRRRRRRRRGH BLISTERING BOILERS GONNA TURN THESE TREMBLING TRACKS INTO CINDERS AND ASHES RRAAARRGH

RUNAWAY TRAIN smashes into the ORIGINAL TRAIN, FUCKING SHIT UP GOOD! HOMELESS GUY bravely sacrifices himself to save GONG YOO, KIM SU-AN, and JUNG YU-MI, while ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY bravely sacrifices BASEBALL BOY and BASEBALL GIRL to save HIS OWN ASS!

ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY

Not done yet! Gotta get Hero Conductor killed next! I really am SUCH an asshole.

GONG YOO, KIM SU-AN, and JUNG YU-MI, those now being our last living heroes, race after the NEW TRAIN and barely get on board before the ZOMBIE HORDE reaches them! ZOMBIES grab the edge and start forming a ZOMBIE TRAIN while GONG YOO furiously tries to bash their hands!

GONG YOO

(punching and bashing)

Man, I really wish that at some point, we'd found ANY kind of edged weapon... Wouldn't have to be anything crazy like a katana, simple chef's knife would do, but NOOOOPE

Nevertheless, he gets them FREE of the ZOMBIE HORDE! They breathe a sigh of relief only to be confronted by ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY!

ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY

Seems like I got bit back there. Yup. I'm gonna turn and try to eat you guys. Aaaaany moment now. Let me exposit on my backstory while we wait.

GONG YOO

I stand frozen in horror! Cannot simply throw you off despite how you got half the cast killed! Must listen to your last-minute attempts to evoke audience sympathy!

ASSHOLE BUSINESS GUY finally TURNS allowing GONG YOO to fight him! GONG YOO eventually wins--but gets BITTEN as well!

GONG YOO

Fuck, really?!? I thought for sure I was getting through this. Right, listen carefully Yu-Mi, this big lever with the word "BRAKE" on it is the brake, okay?

JUNG YU-MI

Yeah, I may be pregnant but I can still fucking read, dipshit.

GONG YOO heroically allows himself to FALL OFF the train before he turns! JUNG YU-MI and KIM SU-AN sorrowfully ride the train until it finally reaches A RAMSHACKLE BARRICADE FULL OF FIRE AND DEAD BODIES AND FUCK'S SAKE, REALLY?!? HAVE WE NOT PUT THESE PEOPLE THROUGH ENOUGH

JUNG YU-MI

We have no choice but to walk through the dark scary tunnel which, with our luck, is likely overrun with zombies. C'mon kid.

At the far end, NON-ZOMBIE SOLDIERS await, trying to decide whether the approaching shadows are friend, or foe. And whether to go for the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD ending or not.

KIM SU-AN

I'll prove we're human by doing my song from school recital!

(sings)

SOLDIERS

AW FUCK NOT A GRADE SCHOOL RECITAL, WE THOUGHT WE WERE FINALLY DONE WITH THAT SHIT FOREVER

(open fire)

END