The Home Alone remake took some liberties with the casting.


The Home Alone remake took some liberties with the casting.

US

The Abridged Script

EXT. BOARDWALK CARNIVAL – THE PAST

YOUNG LUPITA NYONG’O wanders across the evening boardwalk with her DISINTERESTED PARENTS.

LUPITA’S MOM

Hey, sweetheart, care for some ice cream? They’ve got Blood Cherry, Death By Chocolate, or something called a Foreshadowing Swirl. Oh wait, that one has peanuts.

LUPITA’S DAD

Forget the ice cream. Let’s get her on that Suspense-A-Whirl. That looks foreboding as fuck.

LUPITA’S MOM

Please stop undercutting me in front of our child. I just want to give her some happy, non-traumatic memories at this creepy-ass carnival full of weird people. Come on, Lupita. Let’s win you an arcade prize. They’ve got a whole pile of Chekov’s Guns we can shoot in the third act.

While her parents BICKER, LUPITA sneaks away through a GATHERING RAINSTORM, past a SPOOKY VAGRANT, and into the TUNNEL OF LOVE VAGUE UNEASINESS. She wanders past the first of this film’s SEVERAL THOUSAND MIRRORS until she discovers one MIRROR is actually a REAL PERSON who looks JUST LIKE HER.

YOUNG LUPITA

Okay, so are you a clone or something? Sorry, I’ve been trying to guess the twist since the first trailer. My money was on clone, ghosts seemed too hacky for Jordan Peele.

REPEATA NYONG’O strangles her to get her to STOP TRYING TO SPOIL SHIT.

EXT. BEACH – PRESENT DAY

Now grown, LUPITA, her husband WINSTON DUKE, and their children SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH and EVAN ALEX, are going on vacation back to the EXACT SAME BEACH TOWN.

WINSTON DUKE

Man, I am going to do so much posturing in front of our friends! Swear to god, I’m going to make them so damn jealous and/or impressed with how successful I am! What do you hope to accomplish on this vacation, sweetums?

LUPITA NYONG’O

(jolting in her chair, eyes wide, plexiglass shiv at the ready)

Hm? Sorry, honeybun, I was miles away.

WINSTON DUKE

Uh, sweetie? You seem a bit… on edge… about this whole trip. Is there some kind of unprocessed trauma you need to deal with?

LUPITA NYONG’O

(glaring out at the beach, sweating, clenching brass knuckles in one fist like prayer beads)

I have no idea what you mean.

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

Ugh, you guys are lame. Parents are lame. I’m going to look up fan theories about this movie on my ever-present smartphone-

WINSTON DUKE

DON’T YOU DARE. Mr. Peele worked hard on this movie and we’re all going to be nice and surprised when the horror parts happen. Right, Evan?

EVAN ALEX

I like fire.

WINSTON DUKE

Oh, you scamp.

The family goes to the BEACH to meet the FRIENDS they BITCH ABOUT when they AREN’T AROUND. These include TIM HEIDECKER, DRUNK ELIZABETH MOSS, and their BITCHY TEENAGE TWINS, because the whole DUALITY symbolism isn’t OBVIOUS enough yet.

TIM HEIDECKER

You ladies have fun. Me and Winston are going to go compare dicks boats who’m I kidding? Dicks. We’re comparing dicks.

ELIZABETH MOSS

So. Lupita. Now that it’s just us girls and Captain Morgan here, care to revel in the privileges afforded by our upper-middle class consumerist existence?

LUPITA NYONG’O

I don’t know, Liz. I’ve been getting some awful foreboding vibes about this beach lately. Weird coincidences, little premonitions. I really hope this is all explained at some point because otherwise all this great suspense photography is going to feel really cheap in retrospect.

ELIZABETH MOSS

(cracking open a six pack of vodka handles)

Listen, Lulu. I’m a Scientologist, I KNOW weird. This isn’t weird. Now take your medicine.

But then LUPITA notices EVAN has gone missing! She RUNS to FIND HIM! And then FINDS HIM!

LUPITA NYONG’O

Damn, boy! You scared the Oscar off my shelf! Fuck are you doing, wandering this beach on your own?

EVAN ALEX

I saw a hobo. He was bleeding.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Yeah, whatever. I saw a frisbee land on my beach towel in a really weird way. Mine’s spookier. Shut up.

Later, the FAMILY gathers at their BEACH HOUSE. SHAHADI and EVAN go to play with their PHONE and FIRE TOY respectively, while WINSTON and LUPITA settle in for some LOVIN’.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Winston, I think it’s time I came clean to you. When I was a child, I met my double near that beach. It freaked me the fuck out.

WINSTON DUKE

Shit. Is she like a time traveler or something? That seems hacky. But I’ll protect you, babe.

(whispers)

My Black Panther’s purring, if you know what I mean.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Sweetheart, I am trying to open up about a deep-seated trauma right now, so please- WAIT! Did you hear that? A noise outside! You go see what it is, I’m going to call 911!

WINSTON DUKE

Ugh, girl, if you’re really that nervous, we should probably just call 911 and… wait, you just said that, didn’t you? Shit, a character in a horror film actually tried to call the police. This IS subversive!

WINSTON grabs his trusty BASEBALL BAT and goes into the DRIVEWAY. A SPOOKY FAMILY stands in the road.

WINSTON DUKE

Hey, folks! I hate to be un-neighborly but if you don’t get off our property, I’m gonna use this thing to launch one of my blue balls right at your skulls.

CREEPY FAMILY

(stands still)

WINSTON DUKE

Okay, seriously, what are you doing? If you’re here to attack us, it seems like you’re abandoning the element of surprise. For no reason at all.

CREEPY FAMILY

(looks at each other)

(shrugs)

(attacks)

The FAMILY gets surrounded by the INTERLOPERS and are forced into the LIVING ROOM. There, it is finally revealed that they are in fact COPIES of the MAIN FAMILY!

WINSTON DUKE

Oh shit! It’s time travelers!

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

The internet says they’re probably escaped mental patients who did some plastic surgery thing.

EVAN ALEX

I guessed aliens.

LUPITA NYONG’O

SHUT IT. OTHER ME IS TALKING.

From the depths of REPEATA’s tortured, underused throat comes a pretty solid impression of E.T. and COOKIE MONSTER after a night screaming at a DEATH METAL CONCERT.

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

Once upon a time… there was a little girl… she had a counterpart… the counterpart didn’t like her very much…

WINSTON DUKE

That… that’s not telling us much.

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

…somehow rabbits are involved…

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

…Ooookay. So, are you going to Purge us or what?

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

…that’s enough sass, young lady…

LUPITA NYONG’O

Thank you.

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

…All good… Well, you’ve all done an excellent job avoiding cheesy, tension-raising horror clichés… so I think it’s time we added them all back in… everyone pair off with your counterpart and play-act some sadistic parody of the hobbies and interests that embroider your sheltered, middle-class existence…

With a gesture from REPEATA, each of the SPOOKY FAMILY break off with their NORMALS. WINSTON has his ANKLE broken by TWINSTON and is dragged to the BOAT out back. EVAN ALEX and EVAN XEROX go and play with MATCHES in the CLOSET. SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH and SHAHADI WRONG JOSEPH get to, uhh, play TAG or something. She RUNS. Whatever.

LUPITA NYONG’O

So now that you have me alone and at your mercy, what kind of sadistic pantomime shall we engage in?

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

…I’m going to stab you with scissors…

LUPITA NYONG’O

That’s… not really on theme, is it?

They begin to WRESTLE.

EXT. LAKESIDE DOCK

A wounded WINSTON is dragged onto his PRIZED BOAT. Displaying remarkable DEXTERITY for a being who isn’t great at OPENING DOORS, TWINSTON begins to drive them out into the lake.

WINSTON DUKE

Aw hell naw. No one drives my precious boat but me.

TWINSTON DUPLICATE

(looks at him)

WINSTON DUKE

Yeah, okay, technically you meet that criteria, but more importantly

He pushes TWINSTON over the side!

WINSTON DUKE

Yes! Freedom! Thank you, boat! Objects are awesome!

The boat’s ENGINE dies.

WINSTON DUKE

My crass materialism wounds me yet again!

TWINSTON drags them both into the WATER. Then WINSTON clambers out and slams his HEAD into the boat’s ENGINE, restarting it and turning TWINSTON into STIR FRY.

WINSTON DUKE

And now I think I’ve settled on “don’t put all your faith in products, but also buy the good ones in case you need to use one to murder your twin.” Goddam, I hope there’s a satisfying explanation for all this, otherwise this is going to feel so contrived.

Meanwhile...

EXT. STREET

FAKE SHAHADI is chasing the REAL SLIM SHAHADI down the darkened road. SHAHADI hides under a CAR.

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

(whispers)

Well, it’s a good thing she isn’t actually trying to kill me. Maybe this is some twisted kind of bonding exercise, and the doubles are mostly benign. Maybe WE’RE the real monsters for assuming just because they’re different than us, that they actually-

RANDOM DUDE

Hey, little lady, you can’t be messing with my car, alright? How about you-

SHAHADI WRONG JOSEPH

(stabs him to death)

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

(running)

OR MAYBE THEY’RE JUST MURDEROUS WHENEVER ITS MOST SUSPENSEFUL FOR THEM TO BE. SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU JORDAN PEEEEEEEELE!!!!

INT. CLOSET

EVAN and EVEN EVAN play with FIRE in the closet.

EVAN ALEX

You like fire?

EVAN XEROX

(nods)

EVAN ALEX

You like closets?

EVAN XEROX

(nods)

EVAN ALEX

Wait here.

EVAN locks his DOUBLE in the closet. He goes and reunites with LUPITA, who has ESCAPED.

EVAN ALEX

Hey, mom. My double is kind of an idiot. I don’t know how that makes me feel…

LUPITA NYONG’O

It’s okay, mine kind of is too. She can’t seem to decide if she wants to kill me or not. Let’s go out to the boat.

The FAMILY miraculously reunites on their SHITTY BOAT. They make their way toward their FRIENDS’ PLACE to find out what the fuck is GOING ON.

INT. LAKE HOUSE

ELIZABETH and TIM are settling in for an evening of DRINKING and SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER.

ELIZABETH MOSS

Hey, fuckhead! I heard a noise outside! Get your dad-bod into the backyard and see what it is!

TIM HEIDECKER

Well, pardon me for enjoying my vacation, Oftim. Ugh, I hope someone kills you.

ELIZABETH MOSS

Tim and Eric is impossible to watch unless you’re stoned.

TIM HEIDECKER

Mad Men was overrated.

ELIZABETH MOSS

We both know that isn’t true.

TIM HEIDECKER

Yeah, you’re right. Hey, how many twins did we have again?

The FAMILY are all killed in SECONDS in a coordinated MURDER STRIKE by their own slew of DOUBLES. ELIZABETH lies on the floor having a really TORTUOUSLY SLOW DEATH that is actually REALLY OUT OF PROPORTION for someone who’s biggest CRIME has been DRINKING TOO MUCH ON VACATION.

ELIZABETH MOSS

(holding her trachea closed)

…why… didn’t… we… get the… shitty… clones…?

(dies)

ELIZABETH IVY

(flips her off)

At just that moment, LUPITA and her PEOPLE arrive.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Alright. I’m going to sneak in there and see how many jumpscares I can crowbar away. You kids stay out here and act weirdly un-traumatized by all the violence tonight has brought.

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

I think this is Peele’s “satire” about how kids are desensitized or something.

EVAN ALEX

I like fire.

WINSTON DUKE

Shit! It’s Tim Heidecker’s double! You guys go inside, I’ll lure him onto my-

LUPITA NYONG’O

WOULD YOU FUCKING DIVORCE ME FOR THAT BOAT ALREADY?!?

LUPITA and the KIDS do BATTLE with the DUPLICATES OF THE FRIENDS THEY BITCH ABOUT while WINSTON and TIM UPPERDECKER fuck around on the BOAT. Eventually, the good guys succeed thanks to a clever strategy of HITTING THEM WITH HEAVY THINGS and FINDING A FLARE GUN BY ACCIDENT. They meet in front of the LIVING ROOM TV, the bodies of their BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED NEIGHBORS neatly complementing the WAINSCOTTING.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Alright, I think that’s all the jumpscares handled. Now, lets see if the mainstream media can explain what the fuck this movie’s about.

NEWS ANCHOR

This is NBC’s Exposition Hour, I’m your host, Chad Explaintheplot. What’s going on in town, Carol?

TV REPORTER

Well, Chad, it looks like all across the nation, bizarre, unspeaking duplicates of normal people have appeared, wearing red pajamas and wielding scissors. They’ve been causing chaos, attacking people with no provocation-

NEWS ANCHOR

I’m sorry, Carol, I’m going to stop you there. Scissors, you said? Are these like, magic sci-fi scissors or something?

TV REPORTER

As far as we can tell, not one of them has so much as a baseball bat, Chad.

NEWS ANCHOR

And somehow these psychos are NOT getting mopped up like spaghetti by our army and police. Who have, you know, guns?

TV REPORTER

They probably had the element of surprise or something, Chad. Like this one right here. Oh. Bleh. I’m dead.

NEWS ANCHOR

Thank you for that report, Carol.

WINSTON DUKE

Fuck, family! This is a national problem now, and we STILL don’t know what this movie’s about yet! I propose we stay in this house.

LUPITA NYONG’O

I propose we leave. Yeah, that’s right, I’m self-actualizing. No more of your dad-splaining for this strong independent woman. Appreciate my example, kids.

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

I miss my phone.

EVAN ALEX

I like fire.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Alright, these weirdos know how we think, so we have to assume they could anticipate any strategy we could come up with! So let’s drive down the coast. Which you may notice is a strategy I came up with.

The family climb into the ESCAPE CAR. SHAHADI sits in the DRIVER’S SEAT.

WINSTON DUKE

Girl, you are NOT learning to drive right now.

SHAHADI WRIGHT JOSEPH

Are you kidding me still?! You’ve got one good leg, mom’s still handcuffed from earlier, and I need to engage in some kind of symbolic, consumerist growth ritual to signal I’ve overcome the bad aspects of myself embodied by my doppelganger! Can’t I drive, mom? PleeeEEEeeeaase!?

LUPITA NYONG’O

Alright, fine. Just don’t hit anyone.

Within MOMENTS SHAHADI has killed her CLONE.

LUPITA NYONG’O

We’ll take a mulligan on that one.

EXT. BEACH BOARDWALK

Despite LUPITA’S INSTINCTS being the best method of PREDICTING THEIR ENEMIES' MOVEMENTS, the family drives RIGHT PAST THE PLACE WHERE LUPITA MET HER TWIN ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

WINSTON DUKE

Oh shit! It’s a trap! Our doubles have blocked us in with burning cars and pools of gasoline! I’m getting really sick of how inconsistently clever these fuckers are!

The family DIVES for safety as their CAR explodes. EVAN sees his DOUBLE before him.

EVAN ALEX

Hey.

EVAN XEROX

(nods)

EVAN ALEX

You like fire.

EVAN XEROX

(nods)

FAKE EVAN lies down in a CAR FIRE because he is still an IDIOT. But suddenly, REPEATA snatches him, having cleverly DISGUISED HERSELF by BLENDING IN WITH A RED CAR and HAVING EVERYONE BE IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT SPOT OH FUCK IT IT’S A COOL SHOT DEAL WITH IT INTERNET.

Anyway, LUPITA chases her DOUBLE back into the HALL OF MIRRORS where it all began!

INT. SPOOKY UNDERGROUND FACILITY

LUPITA runs through the HALL and down a STAIRCASE into a VAST NETWORK of DIMLY-LIT HALLWAYS that have NOT SO MUCH AS A PADLOCK protecting them. Also it’s full of RABBITS for some reason.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Alright, this fake-ass me has been able to anticipate my moves handily this entire time. So I guess my best bet is to charge right in waving my fire poker around like an idiot. Surely that’s not something I’d ever think to do, being a smart, rational character.

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

…wrong you are, Lupita… you are just as stupid as you think you are…

LUPITA NYONG’O

Give me my son back and/or explain what the fuck’s going on in this movie because seriously, after all the suspense shit, I’ve earned it.

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

…ah yes… once upon a time, there were a bunch of clones… they mimicked their originals’ behaviors on the surface world, but creepier… probably as part of some government experiment or something… we all lived down here… then I met you… and organized a revolution so we could live on the surface world…

LUPITA NYONG’O

(pause)

Alright. I still have a few questions. Like how many of you are there anyway? Are we implying everybody in America has a double? So, there are three hundred million of you guys? How could there possibly be enough space underground for that many people? Who pays for your electricity? Where do your clothes come from? If you never see the sun, why don’t you all have rickets? How has nobody noticed you exist? The first tunnel we saw in this movie was just down some stairs. Wouldn’t people have found you guys by now? If not that, wouldn’t somebody notice if a whole second population worth of power and clean water was being used? And how does this puppet thing work? Why do most things just get mimed, but some things use props? What happens when you have to mime, like, the Super Bowl? Do you have stadium-sized tunnels? What about when you mime a ten-story building and each floor is crowded, do you stand on top of each other? When we drove to Santa Cruz, how did you mime getting here just as fast as us when you don’t have roads or cars? What about when you mime using the bathroom? Does every toilet on the surface have an underground counterpart in the exact same location? If you’re compelled to mimic our exact actions, how were you able to plan and prepare for and execute this whole murder thing? Can you just decide to not mimic us? Then what’s the problem? Why didn’t you just come up and explain? You could have spent the past couple of decades living on the surface instead of slaving over your whole “stab everybody” plan. How did you even pull that off, by the way? How were you able to coordinate everybody when you were the only one who could speak? Are we meant to believe that the detailed instructions were relayed by means of strangled squawks and guttural moans? And where the fuck did you get three hundred million red jumpsuits?

REPEATA NYONG’O

(raspy)

…also we eat rabbits…

LUPITA NYONG’O

THAT’S IT!

The TWOPITAs have a FIGHT where REPEATA can anticipate LUPITA’s every attack, either because she has PSYCHIC MIND-READING POWERS or because LUPITA is FLAILING HER POKER AROUND like a DRUNK BATON TWIRLER.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Oh god, I can’t touch her! How can I possibly defeat such a foe!

EVAN ALEX

(locked in a locker)

Git gud, scrub.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Yeah, okay.

LUPITA kills her double, mostly by JUST SORT OF DECIDING TO WIN. She takes her SON up to the SURFACE, where SHAHADI and WINSTON have gained an AMBULANCE to drive.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Well, son, let that be a lesson to you. Always confront your personality flaws by succeeding in combat against an archetypal other. Only by externalizing your fears and physically killing them can you achieve self-actualization as a character.

EVAN ALEX

You sure? I still feel slightly sympathetic for those wretched souls trapped in a literal underclass. Almost as if my consumerist middle-class existence is built on the backs of invisible millions suffering just out of view while I distract myself with familiar hobbies and the trappings of unappreciated wealth.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Pfft, that’s silly, Evan. They’re OTHERS. Bad guys. Clones. Monsters. What could we possibly have in common with them?

But then LUPITA has a BONUS FLASHBACK revealing that LUPITA was actually the CLONE and REPEATA was actually the ORIGINAL and as a kid LUPITA changed places with her DOUBLE all those years ago so she could live on the SURFACE WORLD!

LUPITA NYONG'O

(to Evan)

Um, you weren't watching that just now were you? That was, er, another wild internet fan theory, ha ha.

EVAN ALEX

Mom, I figured that shit out way back when you were snapping on the off-beat.

(pause)

So what the fuck WAS the deal with the rabbits?

LUPITA

Play with your fire toy.

END.

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