FADE IN:

INT. STOCK SUBURBAN HOUSE #347 - NIGHT

Two ANNOYING GIRLS are having a sleepover.

RACHAEL BELLA

Did you hear the story about the haunted VHS tape?

AMBER TAMBLYN

What’s a VHS tape?

RACHAEL BELLA

Oh. Right. This takes place in 2002. A VHS tape is an analog video recorded on magnetic tape. You watch it on a VCR.

AMBER TAMBLYN

Wait, what’s a VCR?

RACHAEL BELLA

That old dusty box you always see at your grandma’s house. So, anyway, you watch THE TAPE and then you see The Ring and a whitewashed Japanese hair ghost calls you on your phone and tells you you have 7 days to live.

AMBER TAMBLYN

Well what if I just turn off my iPhone so she can’t call me?

RACHAEL BELLA

You don’t have an iPhone stupid, you have a flip phone, and besides the ghost girl only calls you on your land line because she can't afford the roaming fees.

AMBER TAMBLYN

Okay, but why a VHS tape? Wouldn’t the ghost girl get way more views if she posted her video to YouTube or Facebook?

RACHAEL BELLA

Because none of that shit exists yet, moron. No Twitter, no Instagram, no SnapChat. We are living in the social media stone age.

AMBER TAMBLYN

Wait, I watched the video a week ago but I’m only getting freaked out now because I’ve apparently experienced ZERO paranormal incidents up until this very moment

(Ringed!)

RACHAEL BELLA

Oh thank God, if I had to explain to her why the Internet is super slow and makes strangled squirrel noises when you dial it up I was going to kill her myself.

INT. AMBER’S WAKE

NAOMI WATTS is a SEXY SINGLE MOTHER who has somehow birthed DAVID DORFMAN, the CREEPIEST LOOKING KID EVER IN THE HISTORY OF RECORDED CINEMA.

NAOMI WATTS

You can tell I’m a terrible mother because I prance around my kid in boyshorts and he calls me by my first name.

DAVID DORFMAN

I like to torture and kill small animals.

(pause)

That was a lie, but you believed it didn’t you?

INT. GHOST CABIN

NAOMI follows some clues which lead her to THE TAPE. She watches it.

NAOMI WATTS

Meh, I don’t get it. It’s just two girls eating chocolate ice cream out of one cup. What’s the big OOOOOHHH THAT’S NOT CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM

LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL

(on phone)

7 Days! And Be Kind, Rewind!

INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT

NAOMI shows THE TAPE to her friend with benefits MARTIN HENDERSON.

MARTIN HENDERSON

So you stole a cursed tape and brought it into your home where your ventriloquist dummy-faced son sleeps?

NAOMI WATTS

He has his father’s looks. That’s you asshole.

MARTIN HENDERSON

DAVID’S MY SON?! But we walked past each other like strangers a moment ago!

NAOMI WATTS

That’s because you’re a shit dad. Is it any wonder David’s creepier than the actual creepy killer ghost girl?

MARTIN HENDERSON

Well it’s a good thing I don’t believe in this cursed mumbo jumbo malarkey bullshit or else I’d most certainly be a dead man.

The LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL tries to call MARTIN, but it goes to the ANSWERING MACHINE. Remember THOSE?

LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL

Hello? It said leave your message at the beep but I’ve got water in my ears so I didn’t hear the beep. Hello? Hey, pick up man! I know you’re there! OOOHHH just you wait!!! I am going to curse-kill you so hard--

(beep)

INT. NAOMI’S JOB

NAOMI and her TERRIBLE 70s FASHION SENSE makes a copy of THE TAPE.

NAOMI WATTS

Little do I realize making a copy of THE TAPE protects me from the curse!

LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL

But you will still experience strange happenings and bruises like a still-cursed person for some reason!

NAOMI WATTS

What? But why?

LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL

To trick the audience into believing you’re in danger, of course! Hey if you don’t like it feel free to write your congressman. Hell, better yet send him THE TAPE!

NAOMI WATTS

Wait, it suddenly occurs to me THE TAPE would make an excellent murder weapon! Just stuff it in the mailbox of someone I hate with the words “Watch me! Urgent!” or “porn“ written on it!

NAOMI meets MARTIN’s new YOUNGER GIRLFRIEND.

MARTIN HENDERSON

You already showed me THE TAPE, Naomi.

NAOMI WATTS

I think I’ll get you to watch it one more time juuuuuust to be sure.

She DOES THIS, making him DOUBLE CURSED.

An UNDERTAKER stops by to get MARTIN’s MEASUREMENTS.

NAOMI WATTS

(sees a ladder)

Oh no! It’s just like the one I saw in THE TAPE! Quick, show a flashback to remind everyone of something they already saw twice 10 minutes ago!

They DO! SPOOOOOOOKY!!!!!!

The ladder does nothing.

INT. THE NUTHOUSE

NAOMI goes to see RACHAEL.

NAOMI WATTS

So you saw Amber’s dead zombie face and now you’re crazy?

RACHAEL BELLA

Nah, I’m just in here for the free meds. 4 Days!

NAOMI WATTS

Wait, how do you know when I saw THE TAPE and how much time I have? How do you know about the long haired ghost girl? And why haven’t you warned anyone about THE TAPE? I must know!

(pause)

JUST KIDDING!! I never ask her any of this because I am a horrible journalist.

INT. VHS SCREENSHOT ROOM

NAOMI captures some PLOT RELEVANT IMAGES from THE TAPE when she plucks A FLY out of the TV WHAAAT?

NAOMI WATTS

OMG SCAAAAARRRRYYY!!!!!!

The fly is harmless.

INT. OBLIGATORY LIBRARY RESEARCH SCENE

NAOMI investigates the origins of THE TAPE by flipping through BOOKS and looking at OLD NEWSPAPERS on MICROFICHE and using up like ALL THE COPIER TONER. Just ALL OF IT.

NAOMI WATTS

I also look up clues on an unnamed internet search engine that’s actually located on the hard drive of the computer I’m using! Christ, I know 2002 era Hollywood didn’t understand the Internet yet, but goddamn this is just lazy. A GeoCities page takes like 10 seconds to make.

She eventually finds a book with a huge neon sign pointing to BRIAN COX.

NAOMI WATTS

But before the plot can progress any further we need some more supernatural shenanigans to happen.

(horks up some crochet yarn)

That’s going to make a lovely Afghan.

(holds a leaky handset)

Yeah, that’s weird I guess, but nothing a paper towel won’t fix.

She enters a room in her apartment to find the LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL sitting in the middle of a huge puddle in the carpet.

NAOMI WATTS

Okay, a paper towel will NOT fix this. That had better be water young lady. Wait, is this one of those dream sequences where I sit up real fast as the camera zooms in on my faceAW FUCK IT IS

NAOMI wakes up just as DAVID finishes watching THE TAPE OH NO!

NAOMI WATTS

WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

DAVID DORFMAN

I no longer have any fear of death. And a kid can only watch so much Teletubbies before he is driven insane.

MARTIN HENDERSON

Well I’m still about as likeable as a herpes outbreak in the shape of a swastika so I had better try to repair our relationship before I go to Deadsville. David, I promise to be a better father and visit you on your birthday in March... or is it May? June? Please forgive me.

DAVID DORFMAN

I shall bathe in the blood of my enemies.

MARTIN HENDERSON

I love you too, son.

INT. FERRY BOAT

NAOMI WATTS

All the clues lead to Brian Cox’s failed horse breeding farm! That must explain all the dead horse imagery on THE TAPE! And there just so happens to be a caged horse on this very boat! I had better go over there and question him.

HORSE

THE END IS NIGH GOD IS DEAD LIFE IS MEANINGLESS I CHERISH THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEEEEEAAAAATTHHHHH

(jumps into ferry boat blades)

NAOMI WATTS

(slowly backs away from this scene)

EXT. FILICIDE ISLAND

NAOMI sneaks into BRIAN COX’s house and watches a tape, which is not THE TAPE, showing the psychiatric evaluation of DAVEIGH CHASE, who is just the cutest little demon child you’ve ever seen in your whole life.

DOCTOR JERKWAD

Daveigh, why are you so adorably evil?

DAVEIGH CHASE

I don’t mean to be. I’m just a lonely little kid who wants her mommy.

DOCTOR JERKWAD

Little hell spawn like you don’t get to have a mommy, Daveigh. You know this. Perhaps you should save us all the trouble and slit your wrists. Jesus, am I a doctor or a sentient YouTube comment?

(video ends)

BRIAN COX

Greetings Naomi. Do you know which comic book character I play in X2?

NAOMI WATTS

Uh... Stryker? NO WAIT

(punched!)

You monster! Daveigh was just a little girl! How could you do that to her! You know, aside from the fact you are Brian Cox and therefore predisposed to villainy.

BRIAN COX

Daveigh was evil! She had the ability to make horses suicide themselves and burn images into objects like the cursed tape! Those are child-murder worthy crimes!

NAOMI WATTS

No! When you have a creepy weirdo kid you’re supposed to love and protect them no matter what and not just neglect them like some kind of asshole OOOOOHHH I’m talking about me aren’t I?

BRIAN COX

Well I suppose I could heed your words and try to make peace with my dead daughter’s evil spirit, but I’m trying to beat Sean Bean’s record for most on-screen deaths so

(electrocutes self)

INT. GHOST CABIN

NAOMI WATTS

I’ve only got 5 minutes before my 7 Days are up and came all the way back here on the off chance everything I need to solve this mystery is here. Hey look, a random jar of marbles.

MARTIN HENDERSON

Marbles?! I HATE MARBLES! Especially ones in jars! SMASH!

NAOMI WATTS

Look! The marbles pooled on the floor revealing a well underneath!

MARTIN HENDERSON

Careful Naomi, you might get hit in the face with a TV and fall into this seemingly bottomless well.

NAOMI WATTS

Oh shut up Martin, just because I’m blonde and pretty doesn’t mean I’m stupid enough to let some dumb TV knock me into FUCK I WAS WROOOOOOOONG!!!!

(falls into well)

MARTIN HENDERSON

I’ll save you! Just as soon as I teach this fire hose who’s boss!

(gets ass kicked by fire hose)

NAOMI swims around in CORPSE WATER until she eventually makes contact with DAVEIGH’S DEAD BODY.

NAOMI WATTS

Daveigh’s using her ghost powers to show me how her mother tried to kill her with a botched strangulation! Then she dumped Daveigh in this well where it took her 7 Days to die! But now that we’ve found her body the curse has been lifted!

MARTIN HENDERSON

Hooray! I’m gonna live!

INT. NAOMI’S APARTMENT

NAOMI WATTS

David honey, you’re safe! Everything’s rainbows and gumdrop smiles now that I’ve set Daveigh’s spirit free!

DAVID DORFMAN

Oh no. Do you realize what you’ve done? You’ve doomed us all!

NAOMI WATTS

What? I don’t understand, I broke the curse! Of terrible horror remakes, that is!

DAVID DORFMAN

And now we will be flooded with them. Every single original J-Horror movie studios can get their hands on. All remade, horribly. The Grudge, Dark Water, Pulse, A Tale of Two Sisters, even... ONE MISSED CALL!!!!

NAOMI WATTS

(gasp!)

Dear God what have I done.

INT. MARTIN’S APARTMENT

MARTIN is busy not spending time with CREEPY DAVID in his LAST MOMENTS.

MARTIN HENDERSON

“Last moments”? The hell's that supposed to mean?

LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL

(crawls out of TV)

Aaaaaall aboard! Next stop: Deadsville!

MARTIN HENDERSON

Uh no thanks I’m good here in the living world.

LONG HAIRED GHOST GIRL

Oh. Well. I guess I’ll just be going now. Sorry to have bothered you good sir.

MARTIN HENDERSON

No problem. By the way, I know a good hairdresser who could fix up that ugly mop hanging in front of your jacked up fac

(Ringed!)

NAOMI WATTS

Well that’s a pretty extreme way to get out of your parental duties. David sweetheart, come make a copy of THE TAPE so you don’t get ringed.

DAVID DORFMAN

But in order to live I’ll have to show it to some innocent person, condemning them to 7 Days of disturbing torture and ending in a sick brutal death. Delicious. Who should our victim be?

NAOMI WATTS

Gore Verbinski before he makes The Lone Ranger.

END