The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. OMINOUS COLLEGE - NIGHT
JARED LETO
Hi, I'm the cute newspaper reporter that the female protagonist will get together with in the end. I used to do the show "My So-Called Life"
ALICIA WITT
I'm the female protagonist. I used to be the daughter on "Cybill"
MICHAEL ROSENBAUM
I'm the jokey, sarcasting guy. I used to be on "The Tom Show" on the WB network.
JOSHUA JACKSON
I'm the practical joker who dies near the beginning of the film. I am in "Dawson's Creek" also on the WB.
TARA REID
I'm the cute, sex-obsessed blonde girl. I played a minor role in "The Big Lebowski"
REBECCA GAYHEART
(nervously)
I'm the best friend. I don't contribute much to the story.. I'm kinda just there...that doesn't mean anything though.. I'm not the killer. Oh, and I used to do Noxema commercials.
AUDIENCE
Who the hell are these people?
ROBERT ENGLUND
Muahahah! Hi. I am Freddy Kruger. I have the smallest role and I'm the most recognizable actor in this piece of trash.
INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE COLLEGE - NIGHT
ALICIA WITT walks along, the camera's view only sees her. Slowly, a hand sneaks up behind her...
MOVIE SOUNDTRACK
EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The hand grabs her shoulder. She spins around
MOVIE SOUNDTRACK
ORCHESTRA HIT!!!!!!!!!
It's someone she knows. They share a LAUGH. The AUDIENCE is extremely SCARED.
INT. COLLEGE....SOMEWHERE ELSE - NIGHT
The above scene repeats until DIRECTOR JAMIE BLANKS gets FLOGGED for doing it.
INT. COLLEGE.. STILL - NIGHT
Suddenly, JOSHUA JACKSON'S head explodes in the Urban Legend about the-exploding-head-of-that-jackass-from-that- damn-dawson's- creek-show.
AUDIENCE
WHOA! That was a really creative death scene! This movie rules!
DIRECTOR JAMIE BLANKS
Ha ha! We picked the most interesting Urban Legends and simply recreated them! This is being passed off as creativity! Har har har!
The KILLER, who wears one of those L.L. Bean coats that covers most of a persons face, stalks and KILLS people.
KYLE
Oh my God! Kenny's killing people!
STAN
You bastard!
MICHAEL ROSENBAUM
Let's have a party!
ALICIA WITT
That's a bad idea. There's a killer on the loose. He's wearing one of those L.L. Bean coats.
TARA REID
Well, on this campus, everyone does. See?
She points to other people on campus. They are ALL wearing one of the coats.
ALICIA WITT
I guess... anyone could be the killer.
TARA REID
Except the security guard.
JARED LETO
Ha ha! Yes. While a security guard would normally be a good suspect, her size and ineptitude make it impossible! It's a good thing the director of this cast that role as a fat woman - otherwise the audience might have suspected her and made this movie more interesting.
INT. AN ON-CAMPUS PARTY - NIGHT
A party with HIP MUSIC plays. Every time we come back to this scene, its a different HIP SONG, and they all go on the HIP SOUNDTRACK in the end.
MICHAEL ROSENBAUM
Ok, everyone stay in this room so the killer can get us more easily.
The phone rings.
MICHAEL ROSENBAUM
Hello?
KILLER ON PHONE
Did you ever hear the one about the guy who picked up the phone and then while he was talking, he was killed via a clever urban legend?
MICHAEL ROSENBAUM
Ha ha. Funny joke, Joshua Jackson.
MOVIE SOUNDTRACK
ORCHESTRA HIT!!!
An alligator from the sewer jumps out of a toilet and eats MICHAEL.
INT. RADIO STATION - NIGHT
TARA REID
(on the radio)
...and that's why you need to give him head RIGHT AWAY!
The killer enters through a back door.
KILLER
Did you ever hear the one about the radio-slut-that-should-have-died-early- on-in-the-film-but-didn't-and-will-now- die-as-a-clever-urban-legend?
TARA REID
Yeah, that happened to a girl in my hometown.
KILLER
No shit?
Suddenly, THE GUY WHO WAS HANGING HIMSELF ON THE SET OF "THE WIZARD OF OZ" AND GOT CAUGHT IN THE BACKGROUND OF A SCENE jumps in and jams a rake into TARA'S pea-sized brain. ALICIA WITT sees it all. She runs away, into JARED LETO'S arms.
REBECCA GAYHEART
Hi. I'm here now..hey Alicia. I decided that you can have Jared and..well
(sniffling)
You're my best friend!
ALICIA WITT
(sobbing)
That's so sweet! I just witnessed a murder but that doesn't mean I can't be sappy with my friend. MY BEST FRIEND!!
JARED LETO
What's going on?
REBECCA GAYHEART
Nothing.
REBECCA shoves a stake into JARED LETO'S heart. He's dying.
REBECCA GAYHEART
(completely overacting)
You bitch. You keep stealing my men.
(to audience)
That's my motive, by the way.
(to Alicia, overacting)
And you must die for it. Using clever urban legends, no less! But first, I will have some candy.
She picks up some leftover Halloween candy and eats it. She begins bleeding. She dies.
ALICIA WITT
Har har! You forgot one of the most famous urban legends of all! The razorblades-in-the-halloween-candy legend!
JARED LETO
I'm still alive! Let's go see a movie.
They kiss and go see a movie.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
They are watching a DISNEY movie.
ALADDIN
All good teenagers take of your clothes.
THE LION KING
The word SEX appears in dust!
THE LITTLE MERMAID
There's a penis on my cover!
ALICIA WITT
Oh no.... it's not over yet.
MOVIE SOUNDTRACK
ORCHESTRA HIT!
END