EXT. WINTER RIVER TOWN MODEL

KEATONJUICE

Good evening, hotties and warm bodies. I am Betelgeuse, and no, I don't have stage 4 lung cancer; that is just how I sound. Yes, I am sure that is what I sounded like 36 years ago. Go check. I am the beloved lovechild of Tim Burton's dark mind, delivered to an audience that still thinks Deadpool is clever. This is my beloved sequel that WB hemmed and hawed over for 13 years. Before we get started on this dinner theater performance, there are a few people I need to thank for making this sequel a reality, so here I go: Brad SlimePitt, Warmer Brothers, Alfred Gouger, Miles Melter, Michael McDownward Dog, Danny ElfSpam, Scary Wilson, Seth Graham-Crackers.

(continues for another 45 minutes)

This script can't show you the twisted and fetid puppetry baked into every scene, so you must settle with bad horror puns.

INT. HAUNTED TALK TV SHOW

WINONA RYDER is dressed all in black. She is talking to the television audience.

WINONA RYDER

Are ghosts real, or are they a figment of the imagination? We are here to find out the answer, which is a pretty no-brainer to crack because ghosts are as subtle as Indian food in this world. My job is to visit people's houses to tell them what kind of ghosts visited their lives. This is prime daytime television, more tolerable than the Drew Barrymore Show and less cursed than The View.

KEATONJUICE

Hey tootz. It's me!

WINONA RYDER enters the ladies' bathroom, where she sees an EXTRA from the SIXTH SENSE.

WINONA RYDER

Oh no! I live in a timeline where Stranger Things never redeemed my petty shoplifting record.

JUSTIN THEROUX

Did someone call for a vegan tree hugger with annoying traits?

WINONA RYDER

Here is my rock, my cornerstone, my anchor! Now, give me six pills of Thoridazine, mashed with Loxapine, so that I can cope with my problems.

INT. CATHERINE O'HARA MUSEUM AND SCIENCE CENTER

CATHERINE O'HARA runs an art gallery where she stands in front of various paintings and projections. No, I don't get it either.

CATHERINE O'HARA

Honey, your father is dead. We didn't get permission to show his face, so here is a strange Claymation movie about him getting eaten by a shark.

WINONA RYDER

Mom??? I can't handle all this death right now.

CATHERINE O'HARA

Oh, dear, I have the same animation in rotoscope, cel-shading, CGI, or stop-motion, if that makes you feel any better. Your father lived the way he died, being insignificant to the story.

WINONA RYDER

Do you know what this means? Now, I have to trek back to my childhood roots, relive all my PTSD, and use these plot points to reunite with my daughter while she has a coming-of-age story.

INT. SCHOOL FOR RICH GIRLS

JENNA ORTEGA is sulking and brooding, which is apparently her default emotion.

JENNA ORTEGA

I hate my life, I hate school, I hate my friends, I hate adventures that take me to the underworld.

OTHER SCHOOL GIRLS

Hey, goth girl! You are a freak, and so is your mom.

JENNA ORTEGA

Say that to my face, and I will have my werewolf friend gut you while my mom sicks a Mindflayer on you.

CATHERINE O'HARA

(outside the window, holding a boombox)

Jenna! Your papa is dead! Deeeeeeaaaaaaad! Rotting and festering!!!! Worm food!!! Winning the planking competition for eternity!!! Murdered by Father Time!!!! A cruel reminder of vulnerability!!!! So cold and still!!!! A lead actor in The Quiet Place!!!!!

INT. THE OLD HOUSE

JENNA ORTEGA, WINONA RYDER, and CATHERINE O'HARA are having a funeral for CHARLES, who as we all remember was played to perfection by CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER.

CATHERINE O'HARA

I don't know how I will survive without him.

(wipes nose with $100 bills)

WINONA RYDER

Now is an excellent time to reconnect with my daughter.

JENNA ORTEGA

I hate you, I hate ghosts, I hate spirits, and I hate lousy specters. I hate that all the men in our family die from freak tropical accidents.

WINONA RYDER

She never forgave me for hosting her 5th birthday party, during which we watched Ghost, read Ghost Rider comics, and played Ghosts and Goblins.

JUSTIN THEROUX

I want to bring up my lovely girlfriend, Winona. This funeral has got me thinking about lifeless things that died too soon. Just as Richard, your late husband, is rotting in the ground, chopped up from piranha bites, and decomposing, so is my everlasting love for you. Will you marry me, Winona?

WINONA RYDER

Ummm Ummmm Ummmm…

JUSTIN THEROUX

In my culture, stuttering and looking around nervously means yes. I am the happiest man in the world.

WINONA detaches herself from JUSTIN'S headlock and hurries off.

JENNA ORTEGA

I never want to see you or your fake scary show again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to play in traffic.

JENNA ORTEGA rides her bike in front of multiple cars.

INT. THE UNDERWORLD

DANNY DEVITO is a slimy and gross munchkin janitor (but wait till you see him in costume, ba dum TSH). He accidentally spills cleaning water on an electrical wire, which explodes a wooden box.

DANNY DEVITO

Sweet side gigs: I think I just released the movie's central conflict—or at least one that gets slightly resolved in the third act.

MONICA BELLUCCI is cut up into pieces. She staples herself back together.

MONICA BELLUCCI

That was easier than most IKEA projects.

DANNY DEVITO

You must cut yourself into tiny pieces and march back into that box, young lady.

MONICA sucks out DANNY'S soul. He becomes a shriveled raisin.

MONICA BELLUCCI

Now I need to find Betelgeuse, and by that, I mean to go on a bunch of disconnected meanderings that don't matter until very late in the movie.

WILLEM DAFOE

(smiles into the camera's closeup and shouts phrases)

In this movie, I play DaFriend, a past-his-expiration actor who has appeared in many cheesy action movies, not unlike Vin Diesel.

EXT. TREE HOUSE OF HORRORS

JENNA ORTEGA slams her head into a tree occupied by…

ARTHUR CONTI

Hey. Are you new to this town? You bumped into my One Tree Hill. Would you like to sit with me and talk about anything?

JENNA ORTEGA

Fine. As long as the conversation is only about living stuff. My deal breaker is dead things.

ARTHUR CONTI

That might be tough.

INT. THE DEATH OFFICE

KEATONJUICE is condemned to a life of middle management supervising for a call center, which some would say is an apt description of hell.

KEATONJUICE

Did you miss me? To this point, I have only been in four film frames. Gotta win back the audience with my cheeky antics: Slime for some fun, Sneeze ya later, snot a problem, I will have the poo poo platter.

(continues to read the book "Jokes that were a hit in the Early 90s")

Now, let's talk about my soul-sucking ex.

WILLEM DAFOE

(smiles into the camera and shouts phrases)

Monica is after you and plans to do some very aggressive, non-specific things. I think I speak for everyone when I say you should lock yourself in this room and talk to your non-verbal voodoo co-workers for the rest of the movie.

KEATONJUICE

I was in Flash, Willem; I know what losing your soul is like.

WILLEM DAFOE

(smiles into the camera and shouts phrases)

Well that serves my purpose for the next hour. See'ya!

KEATONJUICE

(looks at list of nationalities and accents)

Hmmmm…who can I offend right now? Yesterday, I offended the Japanese. A week ago, I offended the Irish. Ah yes, the Italians. Pretty much Spanish with more tomatoes and garlic. New territory for me. Roll La Pelicula.

(begins to narrate)

I was machismo grave robber. Then a spicy meatball chica wanted to marry me. Turns out bella was a few noodles short of a lasagna. She had a habit for stealing souls, mama mia. She poisoned me with a gut eating liquid, either poison or low-sodium Clamato. I hacked her into rigatoni.

INT. THE ATTIC

JENNA ORTEGA is poking around the attic. She sees a model of the town.

JENNA ORTEGA

Wow, this is the home base of the harassing zombie creature that drove my mother and grandma insane. It was nice of Grandpa to keep it up as a reminder.

WINONA RYDER

Leave this room right now! It is a bad room! This room is horrible! This room steals elections! This room is COVID! This room is the New Coke! This room is White Chicks! This room is Nicholas Cage's straight-to-video collection! This room is in-game ads! This room has more red flags than a Communist parade. Leave!

JENNA ORTEGA

Jeez, Mom, if you are going to get psychotic every time I go up to the room that victimized you and stole your childhood, then I am going to date a boy.

JUSTIN THEROUX

Jenna, I don't think you should be dating anyone until you know their net worth.

CATHERINE O'HARA

Winona, don't you think you are being a tad bit overdramatic? I mean, we were both dragged into the evil clutches of a manipulative sociopath and forced to do Jamaican dance numbers against our will, but that doesn't mean it can happen again. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE

KEATONJUICE enters as a therapist in front of JUSTIN and WINONA.

KEATONJUICE

Say his name, and he appears, I believe in Keatonjuice. Is our audience dorky enough to get that reference? Welcome to my clinic. You can tell it's fiction because I am a therapist with no waitlist, and I accept Medicaid.

WINONA RYDER

You have a plethora of costume changes for toysets and you chose Dr. Phil?

KEATONJUICE

How about the obligatory baby version of said franchise?

WINONA RYDER

(baby jumps out of Winona's womb)

Now you are talking.

BABY KEATONJUICE gets into a MOSHPIT with BABY DEADPOOL, BABY YODA, and BABY STAYPUFT MARSHMALLOWS.

KEATONJUICE

I tried to win you over with kidnapping, endangerment, sexual advances, and forced weddings when you were fifteen, but I have changed my ways. I am just going to stalk you for the rest of your life.

WINONA RYDER

I guess men can change for the better.

INT. BOY'S HOUSE

ARTHUR CONTI shows JENNA ORTEGA his parents and bedroom.

JENNA ORTEGA

I am glad I met your totally alive parents and saw the normal parts of their faces so as not to raise suspicion.

ARTHUR CONTI

Yup, now please come up to my room so we can play haunted tonsil hockey.

JENNA ORTEGA

I am a sensible girl with values and healthy skepticism. That is why you are only getting my soul on the first date. No funny stuff.

ARTHUR CONTI

Awesome. Let's play two truths and one lie. I am dead, I killed my parents, and you are going to leave this house safe and sound.

ARTHUR takes JENNA to the underworld so she can see her dad get trapped in the underworld.

INT.THE ATTIC

WINONA RYDER calls KEATONJUICE back into her life.

WINONA RYDER

The town's plot expositor informed me that my daughter is going to the afterlife with an undead killer. I need you to save her. I will pay any price.

KEATONJUICE

Allow the Batman Beyond animated movie to be greenlit.

WINONA RYDER

How about something more attainable, like my undying allegiance to you?

INT. THE UNDERWORLD

JENNA and ARTHUR are in line for the great beyond. It's slightly warmer than the DMV.

JENNA ORTEGA

I like how they emulated a Disney ride line to truly give the appearance of a hopeless eternity.

ARTHUR CONTI

Okay, it's time to see your dad. Please sign this contract real quick. You don't need to read the fine print.

JENNA ORTEGA

Blah, blah, blah. Don't use your iPhone as a nuclear weapon. Blah, blah. Fine

SANTIAGO CABRERA

That looks like my daughter. I am glad I died in a way that still makes me look recognizable, unlike every other person who has enormous chunks taken out of them. Is this world filled with feral sharks, bears, and tigers?

INT. THIS OLD HOUSE

CATHERINE O'HARA is holding POISONOUS SNAKES.

CATHERINE O'HARA

I need a reason to be in this film; gotta shove these snakes into my neck.

INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE UNDERWORLD

KEATONJUICE and WINONA RYDER race around the offices.

WINONA RYDER

Can't we magically show up to my daughter? You are pretty good at teleporting to the right place at the right time.

KEATONJUICE

And miss all my hilarious jokes? I have at least six innuendos about this subway coming up.

ARTHUR CONTI

I need ONE. FINAL. STAMP. And Ortega takes my place.

KEATONJUICE

(teleports to the checkout desk)

Surprise, I changed your passport. You are not returning to the world of the living but a place of fiery punishment.

ARTHUR CONTI

Arizona!!!!

(re-dies)

KEATONJUICE

Let's split up so I can get agitated when I can't find you later.

WINONA RYDER finds JENNA ORTEGA. They escape to…

EXT. DUNE

JENNA ORTEGA

(dodging worms)

Any chance that the Bene Gosserit appointed me to be the Kwisatz Haderach and I can ride a sandworm?

SANTIAGO CABRERA

I will save you, but it must be quick; you know how stingy they are on lunch breaks.

WINONA RYDER

It's my wonderful late husband who died from piranas. What incredible revelation do you have for us?

SANTIAGO CABRERA

I have always loved you. Bob from Stranger Things also says hi. Man, you lose a lot of loved ones to savage creatures.

WINONA RYDER

Well, that's enough reminiscing for me.

INT. WILLEM DAFOES OFFICE

WILLEM DAFOE

(smiles into the camera and shouts phrases)

Time for me to do something.

(does nothing)

INT. CHURCH CHAPEL

JUSTIN THEROUX is waiting at the altar to marry WINONA RYDER.

WINONA RYDER

I am here just in time to get married to one of two people. You should feel lucky I chose you over a decomposing pedophile.

JUSTIN THEROUX

I knew you would come up with a heartfelt vow.

KEATONJUICE

I am still in this movie!!! It's not called WinonaJuice, OrtegaJuice, or TherouxJuice.

KEATONJUICE teleports all over the place, doing random costume changes. A massive LIP SYNC and DANCE NUMBER to CAKE IN THE RAIN starts.

RICHARD HARRIS MACARTHUR PARK

Hooray, I am relevant again.

HARRY BELAFONTE

Don't get too excited; they still don't know who I am.

MONICA BELLUCCI

Surprise, I am still a threat to the storyline. I need to marry one person in this room.

JUSTIN THEROUX

Can I remind everyone that I am aggressively vegan, whiny, and I think Winona is a loser?

MONICA BELLUCCI

Ding. Ding. Ding. You will live with me.

WINONA RYDER

It's more of a lateral move.

(sandworms eat Monica and Justin)

KEATONJUICE

But I am still here! Winona has to marry me, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

JENNA ORTEGA

What about a slight misstep in your plan that will completely ruin you and make you the easiest threat to eliminate in the history of sequels?

KEATONJUICE

Ahhhhhhhhh! You know how I love following rules, laws, and precepts!

WINONA RYDER

We could have politely asked him to leave if it was any easier.

WILLEM DAFOE

(smiles into the camera and shouts phrases)

I am doing things.

INT. VERY SPACIOUS AND ATTENTIVE HOSPITAL THAT PROVES THAT THIS MOVIE IS PURE FICTION

WINONA RYDER

My loving daughter got married and is having a child. I am such a proud mom.

JENNA ORTEGA

(gives birth to Baby Burton)

Ahhhhh! They told me epidurals were safe!

BABY BURTON

I am back and better than ever! Sequels galore. The Corpse Bride 2. The Nightmare Before Kwanza. Edward Scissor Hands vs. Beetlejuice. Frankenweiner sequels as far as the eye can see. Welcome to the Burtonverse!

KEATONJUICE

That is scarier than me hiding in your closet.