FADE IN:

INT. PALE GREEN MILLENIUM MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS

DÅNIEL CRÄIG is discussing his recent PUBLIC SHAMING with RÖBIN WRIGHT.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

I've just gotten out of court for committing libel against Ulfråsen Fribergsgatu.  Do you want me to discuss the court case for what will feel like hours?

RÖBIN WRIGHT

Wait, isn't that the part of the book that's responsible for everyone saying "yeah, it's a good book once you get past the first 100 pages"? No, it has literally never been this easy to make a movie that's better than the book, just get on with it.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Alright then.  But first, a random Nine Inch Nails video!

We cut to a JAMES BOND TITLE SEQUENCE ON MUSHROOMS.

KAREN O

Ahheeeaahhhhhhhhhh-aaaahhhh!

Come to the film that's really slow;

Where the story plods and the accents blow!

INT. PALE BLUE HEDEBY ISLAND, HEDESTAD, SWEDEN

DÅNIEL CRÄIG is meeting with CHRISTÖPHER PLUMMER.

CHRISTÖPHER PLUMMER

Welcome to my island, Dåniel.  I am hiring you to investigate the disappearance of my 10-year-old blond niece forty years ago.  You will have to interrogate my family, who all live on this island except one 50-year-old blond woman.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Sounds easy enough.  Tell me about everyone.

CHRISTÖPHER PLUMMER

Let's just say that the many ex-Nazis are the least unlikeable members of my family.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

I will solve this mystery since I, just like the novelist Stieg Larsson, am a brilliant journalist!  As it happens, I am also a dashing playboy who all women want.

CHRISTÖPHER PLUMMER

Subtle.

DÅNIEL begins investigating by looking at a FUCKTON OF PHOTOGRAPHS.

Meanwhile...

CUT TO:

INT. PALE YELLOW YÖRICK VÄN WÅGENINGEN'S OFFICE

ROÖNEY MÅRA enters and sits down, but totally doesn't give a shit about it because fuck you, man.

YÖRICK VÄN WÅGENINGEN

Roöney, you've been declared mentally incompetent by the state because your hair is weird and your earrings look kinda like the aforementioned hair.  As a result I've been assigned as your guardian to manage all of your finances, which I'm more than happy to do after putting my greasy wiener in your mouth.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

I'll do this, but only because being emotionally scarred is the easiest way to add a shred of complexity to an invincible asskicking ninja bisexual super-hacker.

YÖRICK VÄN WÅGENINGEN

Holy shit, that worked?  In that case, I'm going to tie you down and violently sodomize you as well.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

Hey, rape is one thing but anal rape is crossing the line!  Now I will seek revenge by sodomizing you with a steel dildo and tattooing you with the list of movie roles you will never be offered because you took this one!

This HAPPENS, and everyone in the AUDIENCE who came to see this the day after CHRISTMAS becomes filled with regret.

CUT TO:

INT. PALE BLUE HEDEBY ISLAND, HEDESTAD, SWEDEN

DÅNIEL continues investigating CHRISTÖPHER'S FAMILY.  He interviews STELLAN SKARSGÅRD.

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

The girl who went missing was my sister.  She was very bright and set to inherit the family business, but then she disappeared and I took over instead.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

If this were some sort of dumb Hardy Boys book, I'd say you're the obvious killer.  But since this is adapted from a critically acclaimed bestseller, it must be much more complex.

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

It's safe to say you can expect more from the guy who directed Fight Club and The Social Network, right?

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Surely. I'm going to need a research assistant.  And since this movie is already an hour in, maybe it should be the title character.

DÅNIEL goes to visit ROÖNEY MÅRA.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

I'd like your help in tracking down a serial killer.  He seems to combine the ridiculous code-based clues of David Fincher's Zodiac killer with the religious zealotry of David Fincher's Se7en killer.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

Since I'm a super-genius, I've memorized all of the clues you have including the ones you didn't show me.  Wait a second, why are you the only actor in the movie who was allowed to keep your English accent?  This is bullshit, I worked with a vocal coach for weeks!

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Oh, sorry.  Shpörken, fårgen, bärk!

ROÖNEY and DÅNIEL slowly uncover clues by staring in disbelief at photographs on their laptops and then explaining their discoveries to the AUDIENCE by way of the nearest PRINCIPAL CAST MEMBER.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

Hey, I'm trying to concentrate over here, can someone turn down the fucking soundtrack?  I know Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross are proud of their ability to put a microphone in a tiny room with fifty keyboards and a couple of cats, but Jesus.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Hey, one of these photographs has our disappearing girl looking afraid of someone across the street.  Luckily, despite the odds against this, someone else was taking a picture directly behind her at that exact 1/50th of a second.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

So all we need is for the lady who took that picture forty years ago to still have it and be able to find it in amongst her collection of empty mayonnaise jars and National Geographics from the 80's!

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

It's CSI for people that understand computers even less!  We should be able to solve this right around when the audience members start cupping their hands around their cell phones to see what time it is.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

(gets naked)

Since this is a Stieg Larsson book, I assume all men are sex-crazed animals.  Let's fuck.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Well, girls who get brutally assraped typically go on to have normal, healthy sexual relationships with men afterwards, so there's no way this is a really, really, really bad idea.

They SCREW.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Oh shit!  I just realized we haven't had one of those scenes where each murder is placed on a map in order to jump to some far-fetched conclusion!

ROÖNEY MÅRA

I'm on it.  Should we use this as an opportunity to show off my hacking skills or should I just generally act like an asshole alien to everyone with whom I come in contact?

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

We've already had to pay both Apple and Microsoft enough, just be a bitch.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

Okay.  Get bent, you fucking fuck fucker.

DÅNIEL breaks into the home of the person he suspects the most at the time when he is prepared to fight him the least.

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

Bwa-ha-ha!  I am a murderer after all!

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

That's so unsatisfying!

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

But not of the girl you're looking for!

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

That's even worse!

STELLAN ties DÅNIEL up in his UNUSED SETPIECE FROM SAW III while listening to ENYA, because AMERICAN PSYCHO was a GOOD MOVIE.

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

Before I kill you, I'm going to unzip your pants, since normally I bring women in here and it's habit.  It's actually pretty funny that's the real reason but you do NOT want to be the one person in the theater that laughs during this scene.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

You'll never get away with this!  Roöney is going to figure out the exact same thing as me at the exact same time, so in order for her character to not be completely worthless she'll have to rescue me!

ROÖNEY MÅRA

It's true.  I'd like to kill you but since you didn't rape me it seems weird.

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

(has car accident; dies)

ROÖNEY MÅRA

That'll teach you.  Killing dozens of immigrant girls is one thing but killing a white girl is crossing the line!

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Actually, I'm not sure he killed her.  He said he didn't, and frankly I have no reason not to believe him, he seems like a stand-up guy.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

Maybe that one family member who hasn't really been in the movie knows where she is.  I could hack her computer, since doing so is completely effortless and allows me to stream someone's desktop to my machine with infinite bandwidth.

ROÖNEY installs BACK ORIFICE and determines that the missing girl is alive and well and JÖELY RICHÅRDSÖN.

JÖELY RICHÅRDSÖN

Yeah, you got me.  I ran away because my father was a serial murderer and then my brother also became a different serial murderer.

ROÖNEY MÅRA

Typical. Honestly, what family doesn't have a bunch of Nazis and a handful of serial killers?

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

Well they're dead, so you can go home and stop tormenting Christöpher Plummer by sending him artwork that makes him think a cold-blooded murderer is taunting him annually.

She DOES!

FADE TO:

INT. PALE GREEN MILLENIUM MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS

DÅNIEL attempts to destroy ULFRÅSEN FRIBERGSGATU.  The guy from the beginning of the movie, remember?  Blond guy, took CRÄIG to court?  No?  Well, he was a DICK.

DÅNIEL CRÄIG

I really want to get revenge on Ulfråsen!  If only there was some way to magically solve any narrative complication!

ROÖNEY hacks ULFRÅSEN with MYSQL.

AUDIENCE

Wait, what's going on?  The movie ended when they found the missing girl.  Why aren't credits rolling?  Was I supposed to be caring about Cräig's career the whole time?

ROÖNEY steals all of ULFRÅSEN'S MONEY using WIGS.  She gives it all to an OLD GUY that was in the movie for three seconds.

AUDIENCE

No.  The movie is over.  Stop ending.  Stop it, Fincher.

ROÖNEY buys DÅNIEL a jacket but sees him hold RÖBIN WRIGHT'S HAND so she throws it in the garbage, rides home in the dark, and cuts herself while listening to MÄRILYN MÅNSÖN.

DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER

Well that was fun, but I really don't think I want to direct the adaptations of the other books in the series. I just think I have more to offer the world than gloomily-shot adaptations of best-selling psychological mystery novels.

FINCHER immediately directs GONE GIRL.

END