Historians suspect Achilles won most battles with the power of his Blue Steel.

TROY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: It is 3200 years ago, otherwise known as the Post-Gladiator Period, when Hollywood briefly thought pricey historical epics were a sound move...

INT. ANCIENT GREECE

Trojan princes ERIC BANA and his brother ORLANDO BLOOM visit Greek warlord BRENDAN GLEESON to settle a trade dispute because apparently director WOLFGANG PETERSEN really loves The Phantom Menace.

ERIC BANA

We have worked hard to achieve peace for years, don’t screw it up, Orlando.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Hellenistic fuckboys in the hooooouse! Sorry, what was that about being hard and screwing things?

BRENDAN’s wife DIANE KRUGER appears and immediately disrobes in front of ORLANDO.

DIANE KRUGER

Let me tempt you with some artfully edited PG-13 nudity, unless you opt for the director’s cut, heh heh.

ORLANDO immediately flees with DIANE.

INT. ANCIENT GREECE

BRENDAN visits his brother BRIAN COX.

BRENDAN GLEESON

I need your help to repossess my wife! Also, want to turn your trade war into a real war?

BRIAN COX

You had me at misogyny and starting an irresponsible foreign conflict.

Meanwhile, SEAN BEAN looks for the Greek’s greatest warrior BRAD PITT, who is busy doing aerobic sword dancing with his cousin GARRETT HEDLUND.

SEAN BEAN

You should come to Troy with us, Brad. You’ll be famous. Also, horny temple maidens in the area are looking to FUCK!

BRAD sulks around for a while in his Coachella outfit pretending like he won’t go.

BRAD PITT

J’adore. Oops, sorry - with all the pouting I’m doing I assumed this was a perfume commercial.

SEAN BEAN

Come on, don’t be such a heel!

(winks)

BRAD PITT

Ugh, fine.

(sails to Troy)

EXT. TROY

ORLANDO, DIANE, and ERIC meet his wife SAFFRON BURROWS and their BABY when a STRAY WISP OF COTTON alights on the throne.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Wait...that’s our father Peter O’Toole!

ERIC BANA

You’re our DAD? You must have had us when you were like ninety.

PETER O’TOOLE

Being surrounded by exclusively young supermodels certainly won’t draw attention to this fact.

The GREEK ARMADA arrives! BRAD’s ship has black sails, because PUNISHER STICKERS and TAPOUT haven’t been invented yet.

BRAD attempts to think of an original pre-slaughter speech to pump up his second-in-command VINCENT REGAN and the rest of the men.

BRAD PITT

Tonight we dine in hell! No, wait - they’ll never take our freedom! Dammit. Uh...Fame! I’m gonna live forever!

GARRETT HEDLUND

Let me fight too!

BRAD PITT

No. This beach only has room for one moody hunk.

GARRETT HEDLUND

But mooooom!

(slams door)

(paints chariot black)

(etches Linkin Park lyrics onto an amphora)

BRAD immediately hacks his way through half the TROJAN ARMY.

ORLANDO BLOOM

How can we be losing so badly already - he’s destroying our army with like twenty guys!

ERIC BANA

All that really matters is the collective IMDb STARmeter score of each side’s celebrities. Which...hmm. Doesn’t exactly bode well for me.

EXT. GREEK CAMP

BRIAN COX

The day is mine, and I owe it all to you, Brad. As a reward, I’ll give you the honor of stealing your slave girl ROSE BYRNE!

WOLFGANG PETERSEN realizes he doesn't want to film a BRIAN COX sex scene and quickly reunites ROSE with BRAD.

BRAD PITT

I’ll let you in on a secret, Rose.

(flexes biceps)

The gods envy us.

(wiggles pecs)

Because we are mortal, that makes everything more beautiful.

ROSE BYRNE

Easy for you to say with abs like that.

BRAD realizes he would rather stick his DICK in Trojans than his sword.

BRAD PITT

I have decided to give up this life of war. I sure hope nothing happens in the next twenty four hours to make me reconsider.

VINCENT REGAN

Perhaps now I will finally be free to do more than play second banana in Greek epics!

(immediately signs on to 300 and Clash of the Titans)

EXT. TROY

ORLANDO BLOOM

I’ll do the honorable thing and fight Brendan one-on-one for Diane’s hand! Sure, I can barely even hold a sword, but love always wins, right? Wheee!

BRENDAN mops the floor with ORLANDO’S luscious curls until ERIC intervenes by introducing his sword to BRENDAN’s stomach.

BRENDAN GLEESON

This isn’t supposed to happen!

ERIC BANA

Suck it, Homer fans!

HOMER

D’oh!

A giant battle ensues. “BRAD” takes a break from composing angsty poetry to rally the GREEKS!

ERIC BANA

At last, the epic clash of champions! This will certainly be a lengthy test of skill at arms and - oh, look at that, you’re dead already.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Psych! It was me all along.

BRAD PITT

Noooo! My one true love!

ROSE BYRNE

(pointedly clears throat)

ERIC prepares to fight BRAD, for realsies this time.

BRAD PITT

Seeing as I have already bested Bruce Lee in an absolutely controversy-free duel, this should be no problem.

BRAD performs his signature fatality animation on ERIC, drags him around Troy, and then draws dicks on his face for good measure.

INT. BRAD’S TENT

BRAD sits around looking GUILTY yet SEXY.

ERIC BANA’S GHOST

So, I was an honorable, loving family man and you’re a horny diva who just committed a war crime - remind me again why you’re the hero?

PETER appears in a puff of smoke.

BRAD PITT

How did you get here?!

PETER O’TOOLE

Hush. They only wheeled me into this thing to lend it some legit-thespian-street-cred, so allow me to act the shit out of my one big scene and take Eric’s body back with Rose.

PETER proceeds to act the shit out of his one big scene and takes ERIC’s body back with ROSE.

SAFFRON BURROWS

I will now mourn, silently. Am I the only one who feels like I should have gotten a bigger role?

APOLLO

(plays the world’s smallest lyre)

EXT. GREEK CAMP

BRIAN COX

Even though the biggest celebrity the Trojans have left is Orlando Bloom, this is 2004 so that actually counts for something. Any ideas how we could sneak into the city?

SEAN BEAN

Hmm, how about we hide inside a giant wooden horse and hope they bring it into the city? It says a lot about everyone here that I am remembered as “the clever one.”

BRAD PITT

Seriously? That’s your best idea and we’re already...

(checks sundial)

Almost three hours into this thing?!

SEAN BEAN

If we really want to be accurate, it’d take ten years -

BRAD PITT

Okay horse please.

SEAN builds the mythical hollow wooden...well, if you squint pretty hard it could pass as a horse.

PETER O’TOOLE

Bring it inside the city immediately! Also, remind me to send some jewels to that nice Nigerian prince who contacted me yesterday.

SEAN BEAN

Maybe I AM the clever one.

INT. TROY

GREEKS stab TROJANS, BRIAN stabs PETER, and ROSE stabs BRIAN!

BRAD is about to join the stabbing party with ORLANDO, but ORLANDO suddenly remembers he played LEGOLAS and shoots BRAD!

BRAD PITT

My only weakness - being shot in the ankle! And also three times in the heart!

BRAD DIES! ORLANDO and DIANE escape with SAFFRON and her baby.

SAFFRON BURROWS

So glad that I get a happy ending with my son and nothing else bad awaits us!

ORLANDO BLOOM quickly hides his copy of THE TROJAN WOMEN.

Having completed the AGE OF MYTHOLOGY expansion pack, the remaining GREEKS sail home.

SEAN BEAN

Wait...I’m the only one who SURVIVED?!

END.

This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like Philip.

If you'd like to support the site, please check out our Patreon page where pledging can earn you access to an ad-free version of the site, early access to scripts, exclusive scripts, and other cool shit.


Discussion