FADE IN:

INT. 2002

Biotech expert DR. LAURIE METCALF reviews undergrad AMANDA SEYFRIED's notebook of schematics while AMANDA stares reverently at a photo of STEVE JOBS on a nearby MAGAZINE COVER.

DR. LAURIE METCALF

(to tune of "Stan")

This makes no sense

I'm wondering why I'm

Discussing this at all

You just don't understand the physics

Or chemistry at all

No, this device will never work because

All the samples are too small

This alerts me

That you suck so bad

You suck so bad

INT. 2004

Board chairman MICHAEL IRONSIDE looks over a PROSPECTUS while AMANDA stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS POSTER on the wall of her new OFFICE.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

Twelve years from now

I'll wonder why I

Got into this at all

Your teenage brain clouds up my judgment

And I can't see at all

You're not as brilliant as I think you are

And the company will fall

Snubbed the warnings

That you'd suck so bad

You suck so bad

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Dear Steve:

I wrote you but you still ain't callin'

I left my cell, my email, and my address at the bottom

I sent two e-cards back in autumn, you must not have got 'em

You probably had a full inbox cuz of a project or somethin'

Sometimes I don't talk to anyone when I'm designing a product

See, that's why I'm writing, so you and I can talk about it

I just started a company, I wanna turn a profit

Like you did with a music player that fits in your pocket

My product's gonna look like that, only it's medical

My family's got a lot of doctors, but I'ma pull ahead of 'em

I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan

I still have the Macintosh II that belonged to my dad

I had a poster of you on my bedroom wall, is that fucked up?

I think I said too much, shit, man, I should just shut up

Anyways, I hope you get this, Steve, write me back

Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, duh

It's Amanda

INT. 2010

The staff, including head chemist STEPHEN FRY, works frantically while AMANDA stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS POSTER on the wall of the LAB.

STEPHEN FRY

You put your name on all our patents

But you designed fuck all

Seems you just care about our funding

For patients, not at all

I bet you won't be sad when my body's found

Full of booze and Tylenol

Yes, it kills me

That you suck so bad

You suck so bad

Behind AMANDA, her boyfriend and COO NAVEEN ANDREWS storms in to berate the STAFF.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Dear Steve:

So have you heard of what I'm doing yet?

I've got a board of famous white dudes and a private jet

I created our new logo and some finger puppets

Turnover's high, staff morale is low, but I say, fuck it

Things went bad last year, we really needed extra money

So I got 20 million from Naveen Andrews, that's my honey

I let him oversee the staff, they don't respect him much

I'll give you that he's kind of rough

He yells and throws some stuff

But isn't that what your employees say about you?

They say you rule with iron fists, but no one ever doubts you

I'm acting like a CEO, trying to do it like you

I only ever wear a plain black turtleneck just like you

And all my meals are green juice cuz I'm vegan now, just like you

But I bet your neighbor never filed a patent just to spite you

I've gotta deal with that and my devices that don't work right

My scientists can't get there, even when I make them work nights

I don't know, I just don't think they're fully committed to our mission

They tell me it's impossible, I'm sick of all their bitchin'

We've got a deadline coming up and we'll do what it takes

And I don't care which machines we use or if results are fake

I'll just make them sign some NDAs so they won't burn me

They'll keep their mouths shut or they'll hear from my attorneys

Anyways, I hope you're feeling better, maybe we'll work together

Sincerely yours, Amanda

P.S. Wanna be one of our testers?

NAVEEN ANDREWS

Your hair's a mess

I'm wondering why I

Hooked up with you at all

You drop the blinds across my windows

But we don't fuck at all

And if I got it up

You'd probably say

That you had to take a call

Holy dogshit

Don't we suck so bad?

We suck so bad

INT. 2015

The company's lawyers, MICHAELA WATKINS and KURTWOOD SMITH, try to save AMANDA while she stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS POSTER on the wall of the BOARDROOM.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Dear Steve:

It's been four years since you went and died, I can't believe it

And all these people are accusing me of being deceiving

Some Journal hack, Ebon Moss-Bachrach, he's out to get me

I'm not a presidential candidate, why's he trying to vet me?

Asks all these questions 'bout the secrets of our trade

But my famous lawyer Kurtwood says he can keep us off the page

All we need to do is scare his sources into keeping quiet

Some people might say that's fucked up, but we'll go ahead and try it

I really hope he doesn't publish, I can't lose my fans

In my interviews I do my best to make them understand

That I wouldn't get this kind of treatment if I were a man

And that women can't let anyone derail them from their plans

Unless those women are bitter like Camryn Mi-young Kim

She was working in my lab, then she spilled the beans to him

Plus her friend Dylan Minnette, he's the grandson of Sam Waterston

Yes, I mean THAT Sam Waterston

I hear he tried to talk to them

But those two didn't listen, they broke their NDAs

Now we're gonna sue their asses, yeah, we're gonna make 'em pay

Our competitors don't need to know the details of my science

But, unfortunately, he does--

LAB INSPECTOR PETER JAMES SMITH

(waves)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

--and my lab's not in compliance

Now they're shutting down my operations due to gross misconduct

EBON MOSS-BACHRACH

Well, I hope the past 12 years were worth the things you did, you dumbfuck

Dishonesty, corruption on a scale I've never seen

AMANDA SEYFRIED

But I'm looking on the bright side

I can finally dump Naveen!

NAVEEN ANDREWS

(throws more stuff)

MICHAELA WATKINS

The firm went bust

I'm wondering where I

Might ever find a job

You hurt your patients and employees

But you don't care at all

Where do you get off acting like you're free

To run off and have a ball?

Now the world sees

That you suck so bad

You suck so bad

EXT. 2018

At BURNING MAN, AMANDA stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS GHOST, or possibly the STEVE JOBS LSD HALLUCINATION, in the flames.

GHOST OF STEVE JOBS

Dear Amanda:

Guess I'm the only one you'll listen to

Had to pause my eternal blowjobs just to talk to you

I read about you in the Journal, that's some crazy shit

I can't believe all the obvious points your dumb ass missed

It's no damn wonder all your investors are mad pissed

How many failures and lies were they supposed to put up with?

Should I be honored that you were following my example?

I never would have been like that if I was working with blood samples

Now I'll admit I was an ass, I made employees shiver

At least I knew that when I gave an order, they'd deliver

Please get this through your head, Amanda, you weren't running Apple

You can pull this Valley shit if you make phones and laptops

But you can't use a model for consumer electronics

If what you're trying to do is spot diseases before they're chronic

I bet you think your shitty gluebot would have found my cancer

That's a problem we still live with, but you never had an answer

I'm sorry I never wrote back to you while I was living

For all I know, maybe I could have helped correct your stupid vision

You were loving your life when all the tech bros admired you

But I really think that the wrong people inspired you

You remind me of the day that iPhones first went on sale

In the store crowd there was this girl, skinny, blond, and pale

She had this look like she would cut a bitch to make it through

Wait a second, I just realized, was that girl you?

Damn....

The GHOST disappears, leaving AMANDA staring into space.

END