The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. 2002
Biotech expert DR. LAURIE METCALF reviews undergrad AMANDA SEYFRIED's notebook of schematics while AMANDA stares reverently at a photo of STEVE JOBS on a nearby MAGAZINE COVER.
DR. LAURIE METCALF
(to tune of "Stan")
This makes no sense
I'm wondering why I'm
Discussing this at all
You just don't understand the physics
Or chemistry at all
No, this device will never work because
All the samples are too small
This alerts me
That you suck so bad
You suck so bad
INT. 2004
Board chairman MICHAEL IRONSIDE looks over a PROSPECTUS while AMANDA stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS POSTER on the wall of her new OFFICE.
MICHAEL IRONSIDE
Twelve years from now
I'll wonder why I
Got into this at all
Your teenage brain clouds up my judgment
And I can't see at all
You're not as brilliant as I think you are
And the company will fall
Snubbed the warnings
That you'd suck so bad
You suck so bad
AMANDA SEYFRIED
Dear Steve:
I wrote you but you still ain't callin'
I left my cell, my email, and my address at the bottom
I sent two e-cards back in autumn, you must not have got 'em
You probably had a full inbox cuz of a project or somethin'
Sometimes I don't talk to anyone when I'm designing a product
See, that's why I'm writing, so you and I can talk about it
I just started a company, I wanna turn a profit
Like you did with a music player that fits in your pocket
My product's gonna look like that, only it's medical
My family's got a lot of doctors, but I'ma pull ahead of 'em
I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan
I still have the Macintosh II that belonged to my dad
I had a poster of you on my bedroom wall, is that fucked up?
I think I said too much, shit, man, I should just shut up
Anyways, I hope you get this, Steve, write me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, duh
It's Amanda
INT. 2010
The staff, including head chemist STEPHEN FRY, works frantically while AMANDA stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS POSTER on the wall of the LAB.
STEPHEN FRY
You put your name on all our patents
But you designed fuck all
Seems you just care about our funding
For patients, not at all
I bet you won't be sad when my body's found
Full of booze and Tylenol
Yes, it kills me
That you suck so bad
You suck so bad
Behind AMANDA, her boyfriend and COO NAVEEN ANDREWS storms in to berate the STAFF.
AMANDA SEYFRIED
Dear Steve:
So have you heard of what I'm doing yet?
I've got a board of famous white dudes and a private jet
I created our new logo and some finger puppets
Turnover's high, staff morale is low, but I say, fuck it
Things went bad last year, we really needed extra money
So I got 20 million from Naveen Andrews, that's my honey
I let him oversee the staff, they don't respect him much
I'll give you that he's kind of rough
He yells and throws some stuff
But isn't that what your employees say about you?
They say you rule with iron fists, but no one ever doubts you
I'm acting like a CEO, trying to do it like you
I only ever wear a plain black turtleneck just like you
And all my meals are green juice cuz I'm vegan now, just like you
But I bet your neighbor never filed a patent just to spite you
I've gotta deal with that and my devices that don't work right
My scientists can't get there, even when I make them work nights
I don't know, I just don't think they're fully committed to our mission
They tell me it's impossible, I'm sick of all their bitchin'
We've got a deadline coming up and we'll do what it takes
And I don't care which machines we use or if results are fake
I'll just make them sign some NDAs so they won't burn me
They'll keep their mouths shut or they'll hear from my attorneys
Anyways, I hope you're feeling better, maybe we'll work together
Sincerely yours, Amanda
P.S. Wanna be one of our testers?
NAVEEN ANDREWS
Your hair's a mess
I'm wondering why I
Hooked up with you at all
You drop the blinds across my windows
But we don't fuck at all
And if I got it up
You'd probably say
That you had to take a call
Holy dogshit
Don't we suck so bad?
We suck so bad
INT. 2015
The company's lawyers, MICHAELA WATKINS and KURTWOOD SMITH, try to save AMANDA while she stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS POSTER on the wall of the BOARDROOM.
AMANDA SEYFRIED
Dear Steve:
It's been four years since you went and died, I can't believe it
And all these people are accusing me of being deceiving
Some Journal hack, Ebon Moss-Bachrach, he's out to get me
I'm not a presidential candidate, why's he trying to vet me?
Asks all these questions 'bout the secrets of our trade
But my famous lawyer Kurtwood says he can keep us off the page
All we need to do is scare his sources into keeping quiet
Some people might say that's fucked up, but we'll go ahead and try it
I really hope he doesn't publish, I can't lose my fans
In my interviews I do my best to make them understand
That I wouldn't get this kind of treatment if I were a man
And that women can't let anyone derail them from their plans
Unless those women are bitter like Camryn Mi-young Kim
She was working in my lab, then she spilled the beans to him
Plus her friend Dylan Minnette, he's the grandson of Sam Waterston
Yes, I mean THAT Sam Waterston
I hear he tried to talk to them
But those two didn't listen, they broke their NDAs
Now we're gonna sue their asses, yeah, we're gonna make 'em pay
Our competitors don't need to know the details of my science
But, unfortunately, he does--
LAB INSPECTOR PETER JAMES SMITH
(waves)
AMANDA SEYFRIED
--and my lab's not in compliance
Now they're shutting down my operations due to gross misconduct
EBON MOSS-BACHRACH
Well, I hope the past 12 years were worth the things you did, you dumbfuck
Dishonesty, corruption on a scale I've never seen
AMANDA SEYFRIED
But I'm looking on the bright side
I can finally dump Naveen!
NAVEEN ANDREWS
(throws more stuff)
MICHAELA WATKINS
The firm went bust
I'm wondering where I
Might ever find a job
You hurt your patients and employees
But you don't care at all
Where do you get off acting like you're free
To run off and have a ball?
Now the world sees
That you suck so bad
You suck so bad
EXT. 2018
At BURNING MAN, AMANDA stares reverently at the STEVE JOBS GHOST, or possibly the STEVE JOBS LSD HALLUCINATION, in the flames.
GHOST OF STEVE JOBS
Dear Amanda:
Guess I'm the only one you'll listen to
Had to pause my eternal blowjobs just to talk to you
I read about you in the Journal, that's some crazy shit
I can't believe all the obvious points your dumb ass missed
It's no damn wonder all your investors are mad pissed
How many failures and lies were they supposed to put up with?
Should I be honored that you were following my example?
I never would have been like that if I was working with blood samples
Now I'll admit I was an ass, I made employees shiver
At least I knew that when I gave an order, they'd deliver
Please get this through your head, Amanda, you weren't running Apple
You can pull this Valley shit if you make phones and laptops
But you can't use a model for consumer electronics
If what you're trying to do is spot diseases before they're chronic
I bet you think your shitty gluebot would have found my cancer
That's a problem we still live with, but you never had an answer
I'm sorry I never wrote back to you while I was living
For all I know, maybe I could have helped correct your stupid vision
You were loving your life when all the tech bros admired you
But I really think that the wrong people inspired you
You remind me of the day that iPhones first went on sale
In the store crowd there was this girl, skinny, blond, and pale
She had this look like she would cut a bitch to make it through
Wait a second, I just realized, was that girl you?
Damn....
The GHOST disappears, leaving AMANDA staring into space.
END