FADE IN:

EXT. ENGLAND - THE 18TH CENTURY - DURING THE RULE OF QUEEN ANNE

The film is divided into CHAPTERS whose titles have every word FULL JUSTIFIED leading to SUPER-STRETCHED-ANNOYING-AS-FUCK SPACING of the LETTERS. Anyway in CHAPTER O - - - - - - - - N - - - - - - - - E, we find EMMA STONE in a CARRIAGE with five other people.

EMMA STONE

Ah, welcome audience! Please relax and settle in for a genteel, respectable period piece. And extra special greetings to everyone who brought older family members along for their annual holiday movie night.

SOLDIER

(openly masturbates)

(throws Emma into pile of shit)

(spreads own asshole two inches from camera)

OLDER FAMILY MEMBERS IN AUDIENCE

(gasp loudly)

(clutch pearls)

(overload pacemakers)

YOUNGER FAMILY MEMBERS

(burrow into floor)

EMMA STONE

(covered in shit)

HAHAHA GOTCHA YOU FUCKERS

EMMA rolls in muck laughing as the SOLDIER reflects on how his one and only IMDB credit is for "WANKING MAN".

INT. STATELY ANNE MANOR

SHITFACED EMMA is guided by the SERVANTS directly to LADY RACHEL WEISZ without a chance to clean up first, because the SERVANTS are FUCKING ASSHOLES.

RACHEL WEISZ

I'm sorry but I already have two servants exclusively devoted to wiping the shit off my ass with their face, good day.

EMMA STONE

No no, I'm a relative of yours who's fallen on hard times. Basically my whole life has been assjuice so I'm hoping our familial bond will inspire you to-

RACHEL WEISZ

Um, this is a tale of 18th Century English nobility, everyone is related to fucking everyone. So what.

EMMA STONE

But we've rewritten history so the characters are slightly less related than in real life, so now maybe it means something?

RACHEL WEISZ

Fine, fine. Since the position of assface is taken, you'll start out as a shitstain. That means it's your job to make sure each room is stained with an equal amount of shit. Wait, have we said "cunt" yet?

EMMA STONE

Nope.

RACHEL WEISZ

Better fix THAT! Cunt cunty cunt cunt!! HAHAHA LOOK AT THEM SQUIRM

(points to audience)

(doubles over laughing)

EMMA tries to clean an overly shitty floor but the FUCKING ASSHOLE SERVANTS give her PURE LYE which burns her HAND something awful. EMMA resolves to gradually earn their respect and friendship through a series of light-hearted wacky hijinks gain enough POWER to make OTHER people's lives FUCKING MISERABLE for a change.

INT. THE QUEEN'S CHAMBERS

QUEEN OLIVIA COLMAN is listening to arguments from PRIME MINISTER JAMES SMITH as well as--from somewhere beneath 300 pounds of wig and face powder--the LEADER OF HER MAJESTY'S LOYAL FOPPOSITION, NICHOLAS HOULT.

OLIVIA COLMAN

Hallo it's me, Doris from "Hot Fuzz", embarking on my quest to play every Queen ever! Catch me in season 3 of The Crown, true believers! Now where were we?

NICHOLAS HOULT

(foppishly)

I humbly submit that we not continue our war with the French.

JAMES SMITH

Whereas I respectfully suggest we keep thrashing their sorry frog asses.

OLIVIA COLMAN

Hm, I think you may have switched positions from real life, but not like it matters. What to do, what to do. Rachel?

RACHEL WEISZ

(jamming her hand into Olivia's back)

(throwing her voice)

Fuck those dirty Frenchies! Kill 'em all and let Kermit sort it out!

NICHOLAS HOULT

I confess some surprise you'd advocate for the war, Rachel, seeing as your husband Mark Gatiss would be leading our forces on the front.

MARK GATISS

(pomp)

I say old chap old dickie old chum old cock old bean old tit old cabbage old

(circumstance)

RACHEL WEISZ

Hm yes however would I manage.

(rolls eyes)

OLIVIA COLMAN

Right that'll be all for today. I have a full evening booked of writhing in pain and having an infected leg, so pish posh, begone.

(grins widely)

Cunt!

EXT. OLIVIA'S R - - - - O - - - - O - - - - M, LATER THAT N - - - - I - - - - G - - - - H - - - T

While OLIVIA writhes loudly in pain, EMMA sneaks in with a HERBAL REMEDY she has obtained despite not having a PRESCRIPTION.

EMMA STONE

Luckily I was brought up educated before my life fell apart, including several courses on botany and healing, though I might have overspent on Rope Use. Anyway this should help!

(applies leaf paste)

RACHEL WEISZ

(entering)

How dare you! Guards, have this girl stripped and whipped! We've already made like 200 references to whipping and stripping so we really have to do it at least once.

OLIVIA COLMAN

I say that feels better what.

RACHEL WEISZ

Ugh, very well, only a BIT of stripping and whipping then! And I suppose Emma can have her own room and be promoted from shitstain up to snotrag.

EMMA STONE

Thank you Lady Rachel. I'm just glad Olivia was aided by ACHOOOO MY REMEDY WHICH WAS ALL MY IDEA ACHOOOOO

OLIVIA COLMAN

Indeed?! Then make that the Queen's PERSONAL snotrag!

INT. STATELY ANNE MANOR -- BALLROOM

There is a BIG FANCY BALL happening! RACHEL wheels in OLIVIA in her WHEELCHAIR.

RACHEL WEISZ

Sorry you're too ill to dance or walk about, my Queen. But we can still enjoy ourselves despite your poor condition.

(boogies)

We'll just have to make the most of it.

(pop-locks)

Just have a nice pleasant evening, nothing strenuous.

(completes American Ninja Warrior course)

OLIVIA COLMAN

FUCK YOU THIS PARTY SUCKS ASS WE'RE LEAVING

RACHEL takes OLIVIA to her BED and then TAKES OLIVIA TO BED, I DARE SAY, WHAT WHAT. However this is seen by EMMA who happened to be stealing a BOOK from OLIVIA'S ROOM at the time, since why bother with the party full of drunken powerful influential people anyway, what use could THAT be.

EMMA STONE

Oh shit, this is the kind of thing people get killed for knowing about. I'd better sneak out super quiet and not breathe a word to anybody about this.

EXT. SHOOTING GROUNDS - THE NEXT DAY

EMMA and RACHEL are out for some shooting.

EMMA STONE

So anyway I saw you putting out a Great Fire in Pudding Lane last night, IF YA CATCH MY DRIFT.

RACHEL WEISZ

How about that. WHOOPSIE

(fires pistol at Emma)

Ha ha, no pellet! Funny how it fires the same whether it's loaded or not. This would seem to be setting up some kind of big fakeout moment later, but it isn't, so let's just move on.

Later that day EMMA is fopproached by NICHOLAS.

NICHOLAS HOULT

I bring you a great fopportunity! I need you to spy on Olivia for me. I know that's terribly risky, but just think what I could give YOU in return.

(shoves Emma into ditch)

We could be great allies.

(pisses on Emma)

Please consider my offer.

(rips two-minute-long fart directly into Emma's face)

EMMA STONE

And this is how people try making FRIENDS. No wonder everyone in the 1700s was such a fucking dickhole.

INT. OLIVIA'S CHAMBERS

While RACHEL is busy running the country EMMA decides to get busy running OLIVIA'S country IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING NUDGE NUDGE.

OLIVIA COLMAN

These are my pet bunnies, I have 17 of them. Not in actual history you understand, they've been added for dramatic purposes.

EMMA STONE

They're delightful! Do you know, I'm not sure why I'm saying this, but if I were a man I would certainly plow you much like a bunny. Ha ha ha.

OLIVIA COLMAN

The bunnies also represent my dead children to make them extra meaningful.

EMMA STONE

I'm terribly sorry. And if I had, oh let's say, a throbbing cock, or at least a simulation of one, I'd be sure to express my sympathies by railing you with it. My what an odd turn of phrase, where DO these ideas come from.

Eventually OLIVIA'S LEGS begin hurting again and so EMMA rubs them and gets to PET OLIVIA'S FAVOURITE BUNNY AW YYYEAAHHH BOW CHICKA WOW WOW, WHAT.

INT. THE MANOR LIBRARY - THE NEXT DAY

EMMA is summoned to the library by RACHEL.

RACHEL WEISZ

Ah yes, if you could just help me with something.

(throws book at Emma)

That is, if you'd be so kind to hold these with your whore face.

(hurls several books at Emma)

Perhaps catch a corner with your eyeball, there's a dear.

(launches encyclopedia from cannon at Emma)

Also you're sacked. I saw you all nude in bed with Olivia! Though officially, I guess I'm firing you because we're downsizing the snotrag division or whatnot.

EMMA STONE

Bah, I'll show you! I'll fake an injury of getting hit with a book in the face!

(thinks)

Which I could also have done just now by simply not dodging, I guess.

RACHEL WEISZ

Well fuck you, I'm gonna paint OLIVIA SUCKS on the outside wall and leave the paint in YOUR room!

EMMA STONE

Nuh-uh, I'm gonna write mean notes signed from YOU and stuff them in Olivia's locker during recess!

However none of these pranks WORK and so the TRIANGLE OF INTRIGUE continues!

INT. STATELY ANNE MANOR

EMMA seeks out NICHOLAS to cut a deal, while director YORGOS LANTHIMOS briefly uses a FISHBOWL LENS to illustrate how life at Court was like living in a FISHBOWL.

NICHOLAS HOULT

(foppishly)

Can this wait Emma? I'm rather busy throwing oranges at this frolicking naked man. Before you judge, I voted for Clank! In Space but the fellows wanted to wait until our copy of the Armageddon expansion arrives in

(checks watch)

about 300 years.

EMMA STONE

I need to secure my position at court. If you help arrange my marriage to Court Hunk, I'll leak details of Olivia's next speech.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Agreed, if only because it gives me anything else to do. Next up is the banana round and it can get a bit freaky.

NICHOLAS uses the info to FOPOTAGE OLIVIA'S Parliamentary speech! OLIVIA responds by FAINTING, thus creating a big dramatic spectacle that utterly steals focus away from the serious issues at hand, a political tactic UTTERLY UNIQUE to 18th-century Britain.

INT. OLIVIA'S CHAMBERS

RACHEL puts on her MOST SEVERE BOY-PIRATE COSTUME to have angry tea with OLIVIA.

RACHEL WEISZ

God dammit we got out-maneuvered by stupid Nicholas. He must have had help, but... from WHOM?!?

EMMA STONE

Would you like some tea Lady Rachel? Don't mind the smoke and pungent odour, and please drink up quick before the cup dissolves.

RACHEL WEISZ

Ah yes a spot of tea will help me deduce the identity of my shadowy nemesis.

(sips)

Hm, I do believe I've been poisoned. Pity. Do excuse me.

(leaves)

What a lovely time for some horseback riding.

(vomits)

(falls off horse)

Oh bother.

(dragged for miles on her face)

Dear me.

Back at the MANOR everyone wonders where RACHEL is.

OLIVIA COLMAN

Bah she's just faking to make me upset. I think we've established this is the safest century of all so I'm sure she is perfectly fine!

EMMA STONE

Perhaps it would take your mind off things to announce my marriage to Court Hunk, oh and FYI we've made a wedding registry at Bed Bath & Lots of Property and Income? The first two are already taken.

(bats eyes)

(smiles)

INT. EMMA'S ROOM

EMMA and COURT HUNK settle in for their wedding night.

EMMA STONE

(giving handjob, distractedly)

I know Rachel's planning something but I just can't wrap my palm around what.

COURT HUNK

Mmmmm oh yeah baby gimme that sweet sweet plotting, that's the stuff

INT. W - - - - H - - - - O - - - - R - - - - E - - - - H - - - - O - - - - U - - - - S - - - - E

RACHEL regains consciousness in a WHOREHOUSE, surrounded by WHORES who are doing SO MUCH WHORING!

JAMES SMITH

(entering)

Ah there you are Rachel! Yes it's, er, lucky I decided to, um, search here for you.

(pulls up pants)

RACHEL WEISZ

Now that I'm sufficiently recovered and free of this place, Emma's really fucked now!

INT. STATELY ANNE MANOR

EMMA and the COURT listen to the latest ALBUM DROP by SIR HENRY PURCELL.

COURT SINGER

(to "Dido's Lament")

When I get laid,

Get laid by your Mom,

May my cock create

Much heaving,

Much heaving of her breasts;

Remember me,

Remember me,

But ah, forget John Blow because more like JOHN BLOWS AMIRITE

However the performance STOPS as RACHEL dramatically enters the room!

RACHEL WEISZ

Hey.

EMMA STONE

'Sup.

For the next stage of her revenge RACHEL visits OLIVIA.

OLIVIA COLMAN

I'm sorry Rachel, but Emma is now... The Favourite. After all, her sycophancy-per-minute is FAR above yours, and her expected-compliments-for-percentage (xCF%) is off the charts. That's not even getting into her Fenlick and Whorsi stats. My decision is made!

RACHEL WEISZ

Well you should know that I have your old love letters to me, and unless you do everything I say I will release them and completely ruin your

(drops letters into roaring fireplace)

Shit.

OLIVIA COLMAN

That does it Rachel! You're a LOOSE CANNON! You're OFF the case! Turn in your ROOM KEY and your PISTOL!!

RACHEL WEISZ

I CAN'T HELP IT, THINGS GOT PERSONAL, I GOT TOO CLOSE

(pounds back bottle of scotch)

(obsesses over cold case file)

(moves into fleabag manor)

With RACHEL out of the picture, EMMA celebrates by turning into THE WORLD'S BIGGEST DRUNKEN ASSHOLE.

EMMA STONE

Wheeee!!! My winning Olivia's affections, and my marriage to Court Hunk, have given me all the wealth and privilege I could hope for!

(ignores Olivia)

(antagonizes Court Hunk)

I am so totally set for life!

INT. RACHEL'S NEW CRAPPY ESTATE WHICH HAS, LIKE, MAAAYYYBE ONE DOZEN SERVANTS, GOD WHAT A FUCKING SHITHOLE

Having had time to reflect, RACHEL tries writing an apology letter to OLIVIA.

RACHEL WEISZ

(writing)

"Dear cuntface."

(crumbles paper, restarts)

Ahem. "My dearest cuntface." NO NO NO, start again.

(restarts)

"My dearest Olivia, I hope this finds you well, you fucking cuntish bitch cunt."

(furrows brow)

I just can't seem to find the right tone. Hm. Ah I have it!

(restarts)

Here we are. "My dearFUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU"

(rips up paper)

Take the high road, Rachel. You're a Lady.

(restarts)

"Dearest Olivia. I'm most dreadfully sorry and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Yours faithfully, Lady I-HOPE-YOU-CHOKE-ON-HER-TIT-YOU-GEEZEBAG" oh god dammit.

After another few days RACHEL finally finishes her letter and sends it off.

INT. STATELY ANNE MANOR

But the letter is INTERCEPTED by EMMA, ruh roh! Sensing the threat of RACHEL is not quite finished, EMMA decides to take further action.

EMMA STONE

Pardon me Olivia, I was going over the books and found something odd. It's probably nothing, just this one entry saying Rachel spent two thousand pounds on KEEP CALM AND HEY QUEEN ANNE GO FUCK YOURSELF mugs and T-shirts. But I really shouldn't even have mentioned it. Ha ha ha. Sorry to bother you.

OLIVIA COLMAN

My goodness, what shockingly reprehensible and anachronistic behaviour, even by her standards! Which book was that entry in?

EMMA STONE

Hm? Oh this one right over WHOOPSIE DROPPED IT INTO THE ROARING FIREPLACE, SILLY ME

OLIVIA COLMAN

Grr! I order Rachel be thrown into the shittiest, most desolate part of whatever's currently in our Empire! Do we control Winnipeg yet?

EMMA STONE

Phew! At last I'm finally, truly safe. Nobody can dislodge me from my elevated social status! And there's utterly no downside whatsoever!

OLIVIA COLMAN

Now rub my gout-riddled legs for three hours whilst we are overrun with bunnies.

HORDE OF BUNNIES

HEY GUYS WHAT'S GOING ON CAN WE HELP

(entire screen is covered with bunnies)

EMMA STONE

God damn it's awkward with pets in the room.

END