FADE IN:

EXT. RUSSIA

Some Russian GOONS transport AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON to a prison, set to the HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER MUSIC because it sounds more Russian than the actual NATIONAL ANTHEM.

AARON meets with crime boss YURI KOLOKOLNIKOV.

YURI KOLOKOLNIKOV

Kolokolnikov? Jeez, looks a cat ran across a keyboard and called it a surname.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Hello. I am Russian assassin. But really, I am a hunter. I hunt. I will continue to tell you how much I love to HUNT. My favorite actress is Helen Hunt. I also have mysterious pseudonym. It's Mike Hunt. Just kidding, I'm called "The Hunter."

(long pause)

Hunt.

YURI KOLOKOLNIKOV

Riveting. Alright, to be honest, not many of us know about Kraven the Hunter except for Sony’s Spider-Man 2 video game, and that guy was pretty cool. So, I guess if you just did even a fraction of what they did with him, this could be pretty enjoyable -- urk!

ARRON grabs a TOOTH off a TIGER SKIN RUG and STABS THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE.

YURI KOLOKOLNIKOV

(bleeding out)

...a simple “no, we’re doing our own thing” would have sufficed.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Well, you are correct, I am nothing like that other Kraven. In fact, let me drop the Russian thing. I’m actually American! Now let me show off my ripped body that only HGH and three days of dehydration can accomplish!

YURI KOLOKOLNIKOV

Wait, you're American? But why?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I want you to listen to me very closely. No one knows why we do anything in this film. Now as you die, let's flashback to my ridiculously long origin story!

EXT. GHANA - 16 YEARS AGO

Young AARON, aka LEVI MILLER, and his brother BILLY BARRATT, go on a hunting excursion with their father RUSSELL CROWE.

RUSSELL CROWE

(actually Russian)

I hyeff ryidiculous accyent and care only for thryill of kyillink big game.

LEVI MILLER

So basically you're more like the real Kraven than anything else in this movie?

RUSSELL CROWE

Da! Now boys, I've taken you here because your mother has died. After years of depression, she decided to take own life, which as you know, is weakness that I don't tolerate.

LEVI MILLER

And you being an abusive, crime boss had nothing to do with that? I blame you for my mother's mental demise and suicide. I hate you, father!

RUSSELL CROWE

You will show strength by killing lions! That is why I pay these people to take us on safari.

BILLY BARRATT

Are we really the stereotypical wealthy types who have to be chauffeured to the big game because we’re incapable of hunting it ourselves? Excellent origin for someone called "The Hunter."

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

(is also there, wearing a Karen wig)

Meanwhile, DIAANA BABNICOVA looks over tarot cards with her grandmother SUSAN ADERIN.

SUSAN ADERIN

Pay attention, granddaughter, for I am the master of tarot cards and other voodoo shit!

DIAANA BABNICOVA

So like, what kind of voodoo is this exactly? So far everything you've done is basic newspaper astrology readings.

SUSAN ADERIN

You do not question my great wisdom! Now here's a mysterious potion, the contents of which will never be explained. But it heals people or whatever! I'm pretty sure I can get some internet influencer to plug it relentlessly.

DIAANA BABNICOVA

But grandmother, isn't Wakanda the next town over? Couldn't we say we have some special vibranium-enhanced technology or something?

SUSAN ADERIN

GENERIC. VOODOO. END OF STORY!

Elsewhere, LEVI and BILLY are about to be attacked by a LION.

LEVI MILLER

I need to shoot the lion, but I can't because...I connect with it somehow? Father, could you explain this phenomenon I'm experiencing?

RUSSELL CROWE

(shoots lion)

No, you fucking idiot! This is the one time where the audience sides with me!

To prove RUSSELL right, the lion ATTACKS LEVI and drags him off somewhere. Having seen this, DIANNA leaves her Wild Thornberries mission, and her parents don't seem to concerned that their daughter WANDERED OFF INTO THE WILD.

DIAANA BABNICOVA

It is my destiny to use Grandmother's potion to heal this boy I've never met! I know this because of this tarot card depicting... a lion fucking a man? LMAO WHAT?

LEVI MILLER

Yes, because of the tarot card, the magical generic potion, and lion's blood dripping into my wound, I am saved! And I have superpowers!

ENTIRE SET CREW

(side eyeing each other in disbelief)

LEVI MILLER

Welp, I'm off to the nature sanctuary that belonged to my mom, 'cause if the whole "hiding in your childhood backyard" spiel from Star Wars ain't broke...

EXT. LONDON - PRESENT DAY (FINALLY)

AARON visits grown-up BILLY, AKA FRED HECHINGER, who has satisfied RUSSELL'S high standards of MAN-ISH MANLINESS by becoming a PRISSY LOUNGE SINGER.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I bet dad's not even a little bit mad that you're in Gladiator II in the next theater over and he's not.

FRED HECHINGER

Now, if you thought the ADR in Madame Web was bad, wait til you get a load of me! Are you not entertained?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Wow, it's so impressive how you can impersonate anyone and it definitely doesn't look like you're just lip syncing. It's almost like you're a...

(solemnly, at camera)

Chameleon.

FRED HECHINGER

Coming up with superhero names really isn't our strong suit, is it?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

It's really not. The one I've given myself sounds like I'm calling myself a coward all the time!

FRED HECHINGER

Hey, want to hear my impression of Russell in Les Mis?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

ANYTHING BUT THAT!

AARON'S utter badassitude means that comfortable beds are his kryptonite, so he goes to sleep in a park -- allowing Turkish mercenary MURAT SEVEN to kidnap FRED!

MURAT SEVEN

Aaron, why are you checking your watch?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Because...

(dramatic zoom)

It's Kraven time!

JARED LETO

(emerges from silent desert retreat just to facepalm)

A barely-coherent chase across London ensues where AARON bounces around like GUMBY but fails to rescue FRED.

INT. EVIL LAIR OF EVIL

FRED meets ALESSANDRO and his adorable little backpack.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Yes, it is I! From the beginning, remember? I definitely was there. Anyhoo, I'm now a supervillain with the power to grow a rock-hard horn after I take a special medicine. I am...VIAGRA MAN!

(checks script)

Oh, wait, sorry, I'm the Rhino.

FRED HECHINGER

So you're kinda like the Hulk, but dumb. Got it. What are the odds the third act reveal of your final form won't be a massive disappointment?

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Slim. Until then, how about we team up to do crime together and overthrow your pops?

FRED HECHINGER

Really seems like Aaron would have been the better one to approach with this offer since he already hates Russell.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Just think about it. In the meantime, I've spotted some unchewed scenery that needs my attention.

(weird-ass hiss/shriek/gasp thing that will never be repeated or commented on)

(yes, really)

INT. LONDON

RUSSELL is busy making endangered pandas fight to the death.

AARON-TAYLOR JOHNSON

Since you inexplicably like Fred, perhaps you could use of your crime money to pay the ransom?

RUSSELL CROWE

Sorry, already am late to turtle soup dinner reservation.

AARON tracks down grown-up DIAANA, AKA ARIANA DEBOSE, AKA CALYPSO.

ARIANA DEBOSE

I'm now an American lawyer working in London for no good reason, so I guess my superpower is conveniently being near you whenever the plot needs it. Also, how did you even find me? The only thing you had of mine was that stupid tarot card!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I'm a hunter, REMEMBER? I hunt people. It is my superpower.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Okay, so why do you need me?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I need you to find someone for me.

ARIANA DEBOSE

(busting out laughing)

This is already more confusing than that freestyle rap I did at the BAFTAs, but okay.

EXT. TURKEY

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Ooh, like the bird? I can hunt birds! Because I am a --

ARIANA DEBOSE

No you fucking idiot, the country!

With ARIANA'S help, AARON tracks FRED to a monastery. He kills MURAT and a lot of stuff EXPLODES but none of it really matters much.

INT. EVIL LAIR OF EVIL

Meanwhile, ALESSANDRO tries on different MANNY PACKS.

CHRISTOPHER ABBOTT

(appearing in a puff of smoke)

Because we didn't already have enough D-list supervillains crammed into this thing, say hello to...The Foreigner!

(crickets)

My whole thing is that I --

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Want to know what love is?

CHRISTOPHER ABBOTT

No, I hypnotize people by counting to three and then kill them.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

That's even dumber than my thing! Seriously, Count von Count is scarier than you.

CHRISTOPHER ABBOTT

I can kill Aaron. That's what you want, right?

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Yes. I need a killer who is HOT BLOODED, or COLD AS ICE. Either way, it needs to be URGENT.

CHRISTOPHER ABBOTT

I hate my character.

He is NOT ALONE.

EXT. AARON'S SANCTUARY

ARIANA finds CHECKHOV'S CROSSBOW as AARON fights off a big KITTY CAT CHILDHOOD FRIEND or WHATEVER.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

She's a hunter, and we were being hunted. I know her, she likes to hunt.

ARIANA DEBOSE

For fuck's sake, WE GET IT! What happened to great lines from the video game? Lines like "There are no good men, only good prey!" and "I have conquered every land and tamed nature itself. Man is beneath me!" How is this the same studio?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I dunno, the whole film industry is dead... maybe Sony fired all the good writers?

ARIANA DEBOSE

That would explain why I'm reading all my lines like they're written in Mayan glyphs on a malfunctioning teleprompter.

(deep breath)

"I don't LIkE the FEELing of this...AT aLL."

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Wow, we might even get the dubbing guys fired for this.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Also, just FYI, I have yet another super voodoo elixer from my grandmother I've been saving for a special occasion! I always meant to grill her again on what magic this is but...

(actual line)

She died, and I never saw her again.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

...yes, glad you understand the concept of death. Jesus, didn't you win an Oscar?

ARIANA DEBOSE

So did Russell, but at least he's having fun. This movie is desperately trying to be my Catwoman.

The BAD GUYS all turn up.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Looks like the hunter...

(Blue Steel to camera)

...has become the hunted!

DIRTY WHITE BOY FOREIGNER/CHRISTOPHER shoots AARON with poison darts.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

(tripping balls)

Egad, not my greatest fear...spiders? Did we ever even establish that I'm afraid of them?

SONY PICTURES

Everyone it's SPIDERS see look SPIDERS that basically means this is a SPIDER-MAN MOVIE RIIIIGHT?!

Just as AARON is about to die, CHRISTOPHER does that sinister thing again where he COUNTS TO THREE ooOoOoOohh!

ARIANA DEBOSE

(crowssbowing him, easily)

Dude, just die. Your superpower of copying Mr. Owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials is so lame.

ARIANA uses her SECOND VOODOO ELIXER to revive AARON. He then confronts ALESSANDRO by sending a WILDEBEAST STAMPEDE against the convoy containing FRED.

FRED HECHINGER

I'd be worried, but those look faker than the ones that ones that killed Mufasa thirty years ago.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

I will now take off my Hello Kitty backpack and turn into...wait for it...

(campy as fuck)

THEEEE RHIIINNOOOOOOO!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

BAHAHAHA, I'm glad to see someone is doing camp, which is probably what this movie should have been in the first place.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Haaaa, wait, THAT'S the villain? He look like Peeta Mellark's failed attempt at camouflage makeup!

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

No! You don't you understand! I was part of an experiment which left me with a mutation --

FRED HECHINGER

You look like someone's Covid sourdough starter that they lost interest in!

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

The mutation causes me unbearable physical pain. This is a very serious matter --

FRED HECHINGER

You look like someone 3D printed a QR code!

ALESSANDRO is finally about to finish AARON, but AARON finds the lone EXHAUST PORT in the RHINO'S DEATH STAR OF A BODY and kills him!

EXT. HUNTING CAMP

AARON finds RUSSELL turning white tigers into boat shoes.

RUSSELL CROWE

(whistling jaunty tune)

Ah, congratulations, my boy. Is now time for reveal: I manipulate you to kill Alessandro for me. I play you all along like balalaika! Now come, we drink vodka and hunt bear.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

In Soviet Russia, bear hunts you!

RUSSELL gets Revenant-ed to death!

EXT. NIGHTCLUB

AARON finally dons his signature LION VEST and remember how pumped people were when HUGH JACKMAN finally put on the WOLVERINE MASK? Imagine the opposite of that.

FRED HECHINGER

Well brother, thanks for saving me. But I regret to inform you that I have turned bad. That's right, I have fully turned into the Chameleon! An alien-like figure from the comics...I guess? Much like your character, general audiences don't really know who we are.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

But...Russell is dead! Aren't you grateful? That's the main plot of this movie! Me saving you!

FRED HECHINGER

Hmm, maybe because you LEFT ME WITH HIM when we were kids, you self-serving jerk! Is it that surprising that I'd turn out evil?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Yes! I am the good guy! I fight bad people! My superpowers allow me to scale walls and be worshipped by animals, you know, like lions do! I kill poachers and I'm the best PETA spokesperson ever. I'm morally good!

FRED HICHINGER

Cool, so one last question. How does any of this turn you into the RIVAL OF SPIDER-MAN???

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I...uh...oh fuck! We totally forgot about that hahahah!

END