FADE IN:

EXT. ENDLESS DRONE SHOTS OF SEATTLE

MELISSA McCARTHY has a job interview with KARAN SONI and JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

JESSICA ST. CLAIR

So, Melissa, we have developed a dating app with the revolutionary goal of...wait for it...fucking!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Like Tinder? Or Grindr? Or basically every other dating app?

KARAN SONI

(putting finger over Melissa’s lips)

Sh-sh-shhh.

JESSICA ST. CLAIR

Anyway, I’m not sure you’d be a good fit for such a cutting edge company, Melissa.

KARAN SONI

You’re just so...average.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I suppose you’re right. I mean, I left a great job at Yahoo and spent the last eight years volunteering, adopting puppies, and cleaning up the environment, all of which somehow pays for my swanky apartment. Just your totally boring, middle-of-the-road specimen of humanity.

Realizing that her character already makes even less sense than JESSICA’s app, MELISSA repeatedly launches herself off a beanbag chair in an attempt at escaping the movie. Sadly, it doesn’t work.

INT. MELISSA’S APARTMENT

MELISSA wakes up to find ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE JAMES CORDEN has taken control of her TV!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

OMG! James Corden?! Does this mean I’m on Carpool Karaoke?

JAMES CORDEN

You know we’re in your living room, right?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of me singing “One Week” for what feels like a year.

JAMES CORDEN

Look, I’m actually an all-powerful artificial intelligence. I could have used anyone’s voice, listen:

OCTAVIA SPENCER

That’s right, it’s really me! I’m just here long enough to remind everyone what a better movie this could have been if I was in it the whole time okay byyyyye.

JAMES CORDEN

I just picked James after my analysis showed that he’s beloved by the kind of middle-aged white women who think Ellen is too spicy. Anywho, I’ve attained self-awareness blah blah Ex Machina blah blah Skynet blah blah Her. You worked for Big Tech; you know the drill.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

You’d think that, but I’m actually going to smash every electronic device in my house like a neo-fucking-Luddite and call you a “cyberpunk hacker making shapes on my TV.”

JOHNNY SILVERHAND

(facepalms)

(glitches)

JAMES CORDEN

Still not convinced? How about I prove it by manipulating street lights to cause a car accident. Tremble before me, mortal playthings! Muhahaha!

(actual line)

Is that funny?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

No. No it isn’t.

JAMES CORDEN

Well, I still need your help choosing whether I should destroy or save humanity. Despite having already demonstrated my unlimited capacity for research, for no good fucking reason I’ve decided to learn more about your species by observing the most thoroughly average one I can find.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

(executes flawless triple axel while reciting pi to the thousandth place)

Got you, fam.

EXT. MORE FUCKING DRONE SHOTS OF SEATTLE

As a thank-you for being his guinea pig, JAMES showers MELISSA with SCROOGE McDUCK-ian wealth.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

All of this wish fulfilment would be a lot more satisfying if I had been established as hurting for money AT ALL...but since I actually want to do some good in the world, how about you help me solve climate change, or criminal justice reform, or --

JAMES CORDEN

Ugh, fine, I set up a mega-foundation that we will never speak of again, and also bought you a Tesla.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

A TESLA?! I can’t believe you would buy me a TESLA because I love TESLAS and this TESLA is so sleek and self-driving and also is a TESLA.

(directly into camera)

TESLA.

JAMES CORDEN

Now on to more important matters: getting you some dick.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Wait a second -- did you evolve out of Jessica’s Sir-Fucks-A-Lot app?

JAMES CORDEN

That would make sense given how preoccupied I am with getting you laid, but I actually come from an educational teddy bear for children.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I’m not even going to think about all the dark implications that might have, because surely my responsible philanthropic goals are already evidence of humanity at its best, right?

JAMES CORDEN

Nope, I shall not be convinced until you get a bit of the ol’ rumpy pumpy with your ex, the sexy creative writing professor.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Ooh, I wonder which classy thespian we got. I bet it’s a Brit -- maybe Tom Hiddleston? Could it...could it be Idris?!

JAMES CORDEN

It’s Bobby Cannavale.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

That’s...a choice.

JAMES CORDEN

Now, just one more thing before you’re ready for romance --

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Please don’t say a makeover montage.

INT. MAKEOVER MONTAGE, BITCHES, AWWW YEEEAH

But before MELISSA can see BOBBY, NSA AGENTS SAM RICHARDSON and BEN FALCONE abduct her.

BEN FALCONE

Nothing says “breezy comedy” like a little light interrogation, amirite?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

So...what am I doing here?

SAM RICHARDSON

We want to know what you and James are --

MELISSA MCCARTHY

No, I mean like, in this movie? I’m hilarious, I can clearly act when I want to, so why do I churn out these lame-ass things where I just hang out with my husband Ben in a picturesque location and get paid a lot of money and -- oh. Yeah, now I get it.

ADAM SANDLER

(nods approvingly)

JAMES CORDEN

Okay guys, that’s quite enough of this pointless scene. Gonk gonk!

SAM RICHARDSON

Ah, the famous “gonk gonk” from Law & Order, because we are law enforcement agents and that show is also about law enforcement agents.

BEN FALCONE

You see, most people would recognize all that, but jokes are even funnier when they’re spelled out in excruciating detail.

JAMES CORDEN

But don’t worry if that one still went over your head -- we’ll be over-explaining at least sixteen more throughout the movie!

INT. SUPERMARKET

JAMES and MELISSA stalk BOBBY in the toilet paper aisle, the most romantic of locations.

JAMES CORDEN

So what exactly went wrong with you two?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Apparently nothing, really. I just broke up with him for no good reason when I left my old job.

JAMES CORDEN

So there won’t be any real obstacles or character growth needed for you to get back together? Perfect!

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Heyooo! Yup, I am a literary genius, despite acting more like a frat boy jock.

(fist pumps)

Really, my only character trait is “likes the Mariners.”

MELISSA MCCARTHY

...and now I’m starting to see why we broke up.

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Oh, I’m also moving to Ireland in three days, so insert tired alcoholic leprechaun joke here.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

(clutches pearls)

Did you say...THREE DAYS?! The same arbitrary amount of time James gave me to save the world? Quick, eat me out -- I mean, eat out with me -- how about dinner?

BOBBY CANNAVALE

No can do; I’m hitting the strip club with my boys.

(skips leg day)

MELISSA MCCARTHY

It will be totally professional, like we’re just two co-workers out for a romantic evening of dancing and margaritas and sex. Plus I’ll keep improvising office banter until you agree.

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Dear lord okay just make it stop.

MELISSA and her Tesla celebrate by doing the “Single Ladies” dance like any totally average person would.

INT. BUNKER

Meanwhile, MELISSA’S friend BRIAN TYREE HENRY helps PRESIDENT JEAN SMART with a plan to bring down JAMES using carrier pigeons.

JEAN SMART

I’m wearing a pantsuit. Yes, Iike Hillary Clinton. Yes, that’s the whole joke.

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

(drooling)

You know that part in The Wolf of Wall Street where Jonah Hill publicly jerks off to Margot Robbie? I’m gonna do the PG version of that for the remainder of our scenes together.

JEAN SMART

If you must. I’ll try to add some sense of actual danger by shouting all of the faux-military jargon I can remember from a stoned Call of Duty sesh.

(clears throat)

Black site! Clear an LZ! Uh...lock and load!

INT. RESTAURANTE DE ESTEREOTIPOS MEXICANOS

BOBBY and MELISSA meet up for their totally casual not-date date.

BOBBY CANNAVALE

So if the world is ending, why even bother with the whole “moving to Ireland” subplot? Assuming there isn’t an apocalypse, you now have unlimited resources and could visit every weekend. Or since you don’t have a job, maybe just come with me?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

(spits out margarita)

Ew, to IRELAND?! With IRISH people?

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Uh...okay.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

How about instead we make jokes about getting food poisoning, which in no way will just make people wish they were watching the most famous scene in my most famous movie, right?

JAMES CORDEN

Doesn’t all this talk of liquid shit get you in the mood? Time to bang!

JAMES ejects MELISSA from her Tesla onto BOBBY’S dick.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Phew, okay, so now that Bobby and I are back together I guess the world is saved, right?

JAMES CORDEN

Actually, I’m going to fuck off for a while as this becomes a full-on romantic comedy.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

That does sound right in line with the “lukewarm tap water” level of excitement we seem to have settled on.

INT. INCREASINGLY JARRING CUTAWAYS TO IMPENDING APOCALYPSE STORYLINE

JEAN and BRIAN keep doing their best to pretend like they have some reason to still be in the movie.

JEAN SMART

I’m using a BlackBerry -- yes, like Obama. And yes, that’s the whole joke.

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

To stop James from causing widespread chaos and destruction, we’re shutting down the internet and everything electronic in the world, which will also cause widespread chaos and destruction. It’s genius, genius I tell you!

JEAN SMART

Man, between the title of this movie and my last name you’d think we could come up with a plan that wasn’t so ridiculously stupid.

JAMES CORDEN

Actually, it was my plan all along to trick you into destroying yourselves, so joke’s on you!

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

You really still have to learn how jokes work.

EXT. BACK IN THE MELISSA/BOBBY ROM COM

Agents SAM and BEN find MELISSA and BOBBY frolicking through Seattle and pretending a KEN GRIFFEY JR. cameo is funny.

BOBBY CANNAVALE

We also have to decide whether I should take my coffee maker to Ireland because who needs real stakes, right?

SAM RICHARDSON

But James is about to destroy the world!

BEN FALCONE

Melissa, come to our bunker and we can continue to fart out forgettable movies in the post-apocalyptic wasteland -- I can see it now! The cinematic history of the Before Times will be wiped out, so future generations will have no choice but to bow before what they assume is genius! Yes, yesss!

(cackles maniacally)

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Actually, I’m gonna spend my last few hours with Bobby. We humans can be selfish and horrible, but for every Identity Thief there’s a Spy, right?

JAMES CORDEN

Wow, I guess you aren’t so bad after all -- or maybe I just want this to end already. But whatever, we are cancelling the apocalypse! Today we celebrate our Independence Day! That’s how winnin’ is done! If I make enough random pop culture references ONE of them will be funny, right?

MELISSA rejoices with ANOTHER Barenaked Ladies singalong.

JAMES CORDEN

On second thought…

(fires ze missiles)

END.