FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION 1 - PRISON JUDGMENT CHAMBER

The chamber is 20x40 feet with doors to the East and West, and a large circular window in the South wall. To begin their quest the players will have to befriend CHRIS PINE and MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ, which they can do by passing a basic SETTLING INTO THEIR CHAIRS TO WATCH A MOVIE check.

Once the players are settled, read the following dialogue:

CHRIS PINE

Thank you, parole board, for this chance to tell our endearing and tragic backstory. You know how everyone's always ragging on Marvel for not being able to be serious for two minutes without throwing in gags and ironic banter? Well BUCKLE UP CREW because you've NEVER seen whiplash like what I'm about to throw down. Ahem.

(sombre look)

I met Michelle at a time of deep personal crisis. She took pity on me and my daughter after a red wizard brutally murdered my wife WHOOOOOOPS

(slips on banana peel)

Then we formed an adventuring party along with Justice Smith, Hugh Grant, and my really terrible flashback haircut. A new wizard hired us to steal some treasure that included a magic tablet that could resurrect my wife, but Michelle and I were captured, and here we are.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

And my backstory is I'm a loner who likes potatoes.

CHRIS PINE

So now that we're all up to speed it's time for our daring escape!

Unless the players succeed a WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING check, CHRIS and MICHELLE grab a BIRD-CREATURE JUDGE and hurl everyone out the WINDOW! A player using Perception may hear the following behind them:

DRAGONKIN JUDGE

But you've been pardoned! Crazy PCs coming up with stupid elaborate plans that just make things worse instead of following the nice neat GM narrative... holy shit this is the most accurate D&D movie ever.

INT. LOCATION 2 - BIG FANCY CASTLE

Having escaped, CHRIS and MICHELLE will insist on tracking down HUGH GRANT who has become Lord of TOWNS & VILLAGES SOURCEBOOK #C-5. If the players refuse, assure them this module is WAY better than that Jeremy Irons garbage. Once the players agree to find HUGH, arrange for his address to simply fall into the party's lap somehow so this part doesn't drag out.

Have the party brought before HUGH and read the following:

CHRIS PINE

So good to see you Hugh! I trust you've kept my daughter Chloe Coleman safe these past two years, as you promised. Along with the magic tablet of course, though perhaps you had the decency to revive my wife right away so she and my daughter could be reunited, and they're BOTH waiting in the next room with a huge "WE LOVE YOU CHRIS" banner and cupcakes maybe?

HUGH GRANT

Um no, in a shocking twist we couldn't hold back any longer without shattering all our credibility, I'm evil. I told Chloe you were just after money, and she hates you now. The wizard who hired us is also, shockingly, evil.

EVIL WIZARD DAISY HEAD

(appearing)

Hi, intrepid heroes! Now to magically bind you to the floor so you can't possibly escape, allowing me to murder you and win the movie forever!

Tell the players to make a COME ON WE MADE TIME TO WATCH A FULL FEATURE FILM check. If they succeed, DAISY and HUGH renounce their early victory and send the party away with a small group of 2nd-level goober guards while they go play GLOOMHAVEN.

The players can join combat if they wish, or follow CHRIS'S lead and do background comedy while MICHELLE wins the whole fight herself. However any player who grabs CHRIS'S lute can use it to bash a fully armored guard in the face with no damage to the lute whatsoever.

If the players attempt to turn around to rescue CHLOE and retrieve the TABLET, read the following:

CHRIS PINE

Obviously we can't just barge in ourselves and succeeed, even though that's the exact plan we wind up circling back to anyway. We need reinforcements.

EXT. LOCATION 3 - AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE

At this point the players can add new characters to the party by asking CHRIS and MICHELLE to please add new characters.

CHRIS PINE

Well I know Justice Smith, our friendly wizard. He's right over there, robbing a theatre of people by magically jamming all their valuables into a giant floating ball and hoping they just sort of don't notice.

JUSTICE SMITH

And I happen to know Sophia Lillis, the shapeshifter, she's right over there fighting some soldiers to rescue what seems to be a major character but in fact isn't.

SOPHIA LILLIS

This would be a GREAT time to become an owlbear!

(becomes owlbear)

Hahaha, fuck you soldiers! Smashy smashy!

(wins resoundingly)

CAST OF "WILLOW"

Also WE'RE available to

(cancelled)

(deleted from existence)

Once the party is formed, go to LOCATION 4.

INT. LOCATION 4 - THE EMERALD ENCLAVE

The ENCLAVE is a roughly two-mile-square area of the adjacent forest with the usual treetop habitats, catwalks, bridges, protocol droids being worshipped as Gods, etc. Let the players futz around until someone expresses a wish for more information on the quest, at which point read the following:

SOPHIA LILLIS

Hey guys, while you were all drinking and mainlining Oreos, I went and used my shapeshifting power to gain tons of intel on Hugh's castle. Roll 1d10.

(on roll of 1)

Hugh's hosting some epic tournament with a weird name I never could quite get no matter how many times everyone says it.

(on roll of 2-4, that plus)

Daisy Head, the allegedly regular wizard who does evil things with a red-trimmed cloak, is actually wearing a reversible and is an evil Red Wizard, whaaaat.

(on roll of 5-7, that plus)

Rich assholes from all over are bringing treasure to bet on the tournament, and it's all getting thrown together in a huge pile in a vault. Hopefully someone wrote down who started with what to help sort out debts afterwards.

(on roll of 8-10, that plus)

And the vault is guarded with a super tough magical seal glyphy thing, I'd have no idea what to call it but luckily Daisy said its name and vital statistics out loud right in front of me.

At this point the players will need to cast certain spells to advance the story. Consult the following chart to determine the result:

INT. LOCATION 5 - MICHELLE'S EX'S PLACE

With time of the essence, the party has decided to chill and let MICHELLE try and gain some closure with her ex, TINY BRADLEY COOPER.

TINY BRADLEY COOPER

It's good to see you again, Michelle, but I've outgrown you. Emotionally, I mean. However if it would help you to grab, say, one random item located around my house, I'm certainly fine with that.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Clearly, I'm choosing the walking stick that's comically oversized for you, even though I currently have no need for it.

The party can add INNOCENT NORMAL WALKING STICK to their inventory while you, the GM, breathe a huuuuge sigh of relief (or disappointment, depending how much you like these players). Either continue to Location 6 if the MacGuffin has been invoked, or proceed directly to Location 7.

EXT. LOCATION 6 - DESOLATE GRAVEYARD

MICHELLE reveals her former tribe was in a battle involving the magic helm, and it just so happens that JUSTICE has a talking-to-corpses charm! You can be more subtle with bringing about this lucky break if you feel anyone will appreciate the effort.

Regardless of the result, if the party fails a NEEDLESS SUFFERING check, they leave one poor undead soul twisting in limbo indefinitely. It is up to the GM whether to share this information since it would be highly distressing to any player with a shred of empathy to know this, and might threaten to DERAIL the entire adventure.

INT. LOCATION 7 - REGE-JEAN PAGE'S SWANKY MANOR

Upon being approached by the party, REGE-JEAN is warm, friendly, and willing to share information in between saving CAT PEOPLE from FISH BEASTS, and DOG PEOPLE from MAIL CARRIER BEASTS.

If the players mention DAISY HEAD, read the following:

REGE-JEAN PAGE

A red wizard, you say? My only previous experience with red wizards was when one of them gathered a large crowd together, and then cast Scarlet Witch Smoke on them to make a zombie army. I will note that running away from the smoke DID NOT HELP, no sirree.

CHRIS PINE

Hm, and Daisy's working with Hugh, and he's announced a tournament to gather a large crowd together... what can she POSSIBLY be planning?!?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Well it can't be to zombify everyone, that would leave all their treasure in a huge unattended pile with only evil shallow rogue Hugh Grant left to deal with it, that just wouldn't be nice!

JUSTICE SMITH

It's a real stumper and no mistake. We'll just have to rob Hugh, save Chloe, and hope Daisy's evil plan is one of those never-actually-happens kind of plans.

If the party has activated SIDEQUEST MACGUFFIN, go to Location 8. Otherwise CHRIS and MICHELLE decide everyone should charge into HUGH'S castle where they get immediately captured, go to Location 12.

INT. LOCATION 8 - THE UNDERDARK

The UNDERDARK is a sinister, sprawling subterranean realm made from random Heroscape tiles. The party can simply follow REGE-JEAN to have the magic helm handed to them, or if they haven't met REGE-JEAN they can actually try to gain XP and do some shit for themselves for once.

Along the way the party will need to cross a booby-trapped BRIDGE, but REGE-JEAN can explain how the BRIDGE is DONE. Before crossing, however, the party will need to make an UNDERMINING COMEDY check; failure means they destroy the bridge with their first step.

SOPHIA LILLIS

This would be a GREAT time to turn into a giant eagle that could carry us across!

(fuck you, players)

At this point the party's options are Struggle, Suffer, and Die; unless of course they previously decided that rescuing CHLOE COLEMAN could take a back seat to figuring out MICHELLE'S relationship status, thus acquiring the INNOCENT NORMAL WALKING STICK. If so, they now realize it is in fact a PORTAL-GENERATING STAFF! This allows everyone to reach the MAGIC HELM, at which point they are confronted by new enemies:

SOPHIA LILLIS

This would be a GREAT time to turn into, I dunno, almost any fucking thing besides a scrawny humanoid!

(again, fuck off players)

To escape, the party will need to reach a specific hole in a cave wall--and without the PORTAL STAFF good fucking luck--and then ignite PUFFY'S flaming breath which is already on fire, creating a hole to the surface. Once there, REGE-JEAN walks away because that's enough hand-holding for one module.

EXT. LOCATION 9 -- A CAMPSITE BY THE WATER

If the party has acquired the MAGIC HELM, JUSTICE can use it to visit the ancestral plain and FAIL, up to 7d20 times. Once that's happened (or not), read the following:

JUSTICE SMITH

Well this sucks! We've got no way to rescue Chloe, or get the tablet, or even rob all that treasure! This is clearly the point where we all give up and go home.

CHRIS PINE

Or, hear me out, what if we did the heartwarming Guardians scene where they all stand in a circle together? Wait, we're already standing, it'll have to be sitting down together instead. Cool?

The players must make a save versus ROUSING CAMARADERIE TROPES or else continue the adventure:

EXT. LOCATION 10 -- THE WOODS OUTSIDE HUGHTOWN

MICHELLE'S plan is to put half a portal on something and then smuggle it into the vault. This is a GOOD and FUN plan, so encourage the players to be creative with it. Let them experiment and enjoy the possibilities. More likely than not this will create the most engaging, memorable moments of the whole adventure, so don't give away that the whole thing is ultimately pointless.

Once the plan is in place, have it appear to succeed before summarily having it fail and proceed to Location 11.

EXT. LOCATION 11 -- HUGH'S MORBID CASTLE

At this point the party splits up, and the players must decide who to follow:

Once more at the complete mercy of HUGH and DAISY, the party must make a saving throw against WELL SHIT THE MOVIE SHOULD JUST END RIGHT THE FUCK HERE. If they fail, think of some excuse to let them try again until they succeed because, come on. Once they do, proceed to Location 12.

EXT. LOCATION 12 -- THE ARENA

The party finds themselves at the centre of a giant arena, represented by the largest pad of graph paper you can find. High above, HUGH addresses the crowd:

HUGH GRANT

Welcome everyone, to my first annual... well I never did catch what we're calling it so let's say THE HUNNN-GER GAMES!!

(handed note)

That's taken? Okay, well, this is a bit literal but welcome to my arena of... MAZES AND MONSTERS!!

(handed note)

Oh fuck off.

SOPHIA LILLIS

This would be a GREAT time to transform into a gryphon!

(fails)

Wait, why didn't... oh, they put magic-suppressing bracelets on us like in Dr. Strange 2!

CHRIS PINE

Oh come on we don't have to compare EVERYTHING to the MCU okay?!? Now let's try and figure a way out of here, did anyone see Wonder Woman 1984? I'm pretty sure this is the same arena but I didn't really pay attention to other people's scenes.

Have the party continue to fight waves of monsters until they all die, or someone realizes the Gelatinous Cube is strong enough to pull a magic-suppressing bracelet--and nothing else--off one of our heroes. They can also hide in a Cube (taking 0.0000000006 HP damage per hour) to reach Location 13.

INT. LOCATION 13 -- BENEATH THE ARENA

Below the arena is the TREASURE ROOM and CONFISCATED GEAR HIDING ROOM, so allow the players to regain all their previous items, even the PORTAL STAFF which you might think DAISY would have held onto, but not the MAGIC HELM because that would make it too easy.

Outside the room is HUGH holding CHLOE hostage at SMALL PUNY DAGGERPOINT!

CHRIS PINE

Dammit! Listen Hugh, just let her go and I'll give you the resurrection tablet. You can sell that for millions of GP, to be honest I'm surprised you didn't immediately do that two years ago.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

And if you don't let her go, this entire party of adventurers will stomp your scrawny underskilled ass!

HUGH GRANT

(evil smile)

You can certainly try.

(and almost certainly succeed)

Hm?

If the players win (and really, if they don't they should just quit D&D forever) they have a chance to escape, unless anyone with Remotely Good alignment remembers the whole Daisy's-probably-gonna-murder-everyone thing. And indeed, any player who even so much as mentions an Observation check will notice the giant red smoke cloud of death gathering over the Arena.

DAISY HEAD

Wow my supreme plan got thwarted by everyone just walking away. Hope that doesn't undermine my Big Badness too much for the final showdown with the PCs, but at least I managed to create 1d8+4 zombies before everyone left! They'll be useful sidekicks in battle...

(looks around)

Wait where the fuck did they go?

EXT. LOCATION 14 -- THE STREETS OF HUGHTOWN

The party does final battle against DAISY! If you need a detailed map feel free to use the same ones from THE BOOK OF BOBA FETT final battle.

When DAISY finally gets around to casting Time Stop, JUSTICE can counter it if he's somehow managed to level up during the adventure, or if you're just feeling charitable towards the players. This allows INVISIBLE CHLOE to put a magic-suppression cuff on DAISY and win the fight.

DAISY HEAD

Damn, you've defeated me. I suppose I must resign myself to being brought to justice and tried by a council of-

SOFIA LILLIS

Now this really is a GREAT time to become an owlbear!

(becomes owlbear)

HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU DAISY HEAD

(recreates the Hulk-stomping-Loki scene from Avengers)

IT'S TRUE I REALLY AM DOING MY BEST TO MIMIC THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT, YES WE WERE GONNA STOP MAKING MCU COMPARISONS BUT THEN THIS FUCKING THING HAPPENS

DAISY HEAD

(thrown into wall)

(crushed by eight tons of falling stone)

(run over by passing freight train)

(jumped on by Arthur Dent)

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Good win team! I even saved us a souvenir, this instakill blade stuck in my urk ack blurgh

(dies)

CHLOE COLEMAN

Noooo not Michelle, who mothered me throughout my childhood in place of my dead biological mother who I barely remember! So many memories of your mothering skills! If only there was some way-

CHRIS PINE

Yes yes it's been pretty obvious for a while now this tablet wasn't getting used on my wife. Roll 1d20 and on a result of 1-20 we bring back Michelle.

The players have WON! Consult the following chart to determine what other bonuses and effects they gain from having completed the module:

END