DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES
The Abridged Script
AN ADVENTURE FOR LEVELS 3-13
FADE IN:
INT. LOCATION 1 - PRISON JUDGMENT CHAMBER
The chamber is 20x40 feet with doors to the East and West, and a large circular window in the South wall. To begin their quest the players will have to befriend CHRIS PINE and MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ, which they can do by passing a basic SETTLING INTO THEIR CHAIRS TO WATCH A MOVIE check.
CHRIS PINE
Human-eyebrow hybrid
Class: Thief / Bard
Group Affiliations: Best Chrises (roll 1d3 for exact ranking)
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Human-scowl hybrid
Class: Thief / Fighter
Group Affiliations: Family
Once the players are settled, read the following dialogue:
CHRIS PINE
Thank you, parole board, for this chance to tell our endearing and tragic backstory. You know how everyone's always ragging on Marvel for not being able to be serious for two minutes without throwing in gags and ironic banter? Well BUCKLE UP CREW because you've NEVER seen whiplash like what I'm about to throw down. Ahem.
(sombre look)
I met Michelle at a time of deep personal crisis. She took pity on me and my daughter after a red wizard brutally murdered my wife WHOOOOOOPS
(slips on banana peel)
Then we formed an adventuring party along with Justice Smith, Hugh Grant, and my really terrible flashback haircut. A new wizard hired us to steal some treasure that included a magic tablet that could resurrect my wife, but Michelle and I were captured, and here we are.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
And my backstory is I'm a loner who likes potatoes.
CHRIS PINE
So now that we're all up to speed it's time for our daring escape!
Unless the players succeed a WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING check, CHRIS and MICHELLE grab a BIRD-CREATURE JUDGE and hurl everyone out the WINDOW! A player using Perception may hear the following behind them:
DRAGONKIN JUDGE
But you've been pardoned! Crazy PCs coming up with stupid elaborate plans that just make things worse instead of following the nice neat GM narrative... holy shit this is the most accurate D&D movie ever.
INT. LOCATION 2 - BIG FANCY CASTLE
Having escaped, CHRIS and MICHELLE will insist on tracking down HUGH GRANT who has become Lord of TOWNS & VILLAGES SOURCEBOOK #C-5. If the players refuse, assure them this module is WAY better than that Jeremy Irons garbage. Once the players agree to find HUGH, arrange for his address to simply fall into the party's lap somehow so this part doesn't drag out.
HUGH GRANT
Human-Englishman hybrid
Class: Scoundrel / Rogue / Rascal
Actions: Disarming Smile; Affable Shrug; Pointed Remark
Special Abilitites: Steal Scene; Chew Scenery; Generally Enjoy Being in the Movie Way More than Anyone Else
Have the party brought before HUGH and read the following:
CHRIS PINE
So good to see you Hugh! I trust you've kept my daughter Chloe Coleman safe these past two years, as you promised. Along with the magic tablet of course, though perhaps you had the decency to revive my wife right away so she and my daughter could be reunited, and they're BOTH waiting in the next room with a huge "WE LOVE YOU CHRIS" banner and cupcakes maybe?
HUGH GRANT
Um no, in a shocking twist we couldn't hold back any longer without shattering all our credibility, I'm evil. I told Chloe you were just after money, and she hates you now. The wizard who hired us is also, shockingly, evil.
EVIL WIZARD DAISY HEAD
(appearing)
Hi, intrepid heroes! Now to magically bind you to the floor so you can't possibly escape, allowing me to murder you and win the movie forever!
Tell the players to make a COME ON WE MADE TIME TO WATCH A FULL FEATURE FILM check. If they succeed, DAISY and HUGH renounce their early victory and send the party away with a small group of 2nd-level goober guards while they go play GLOOMHAVEN.
GOOBER GUARDS
Hit Points: Barely
Weapons: Stunning incompetence
Skills: Tripping over own ass
The players can join combat if they wish, or follow CHRIS'S lead and do background comedy while MICHELLE wins the whole fight herself. However any player who grabs CHRIS'S lute can use it to bash a fully armored guard in the face with no damage to the lute whatsoever.
If the players attempt to turn around to rescue CHLOE and retrieve the TABLET, read the following:
CHRIS PINE
Obviously we can't just barge in ourselves and succeeed, even though that's the exact plan we wind up circling back to anyway. We need reinforcements.
EXT. LOCATION 3 - AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE
At this point the players can add new characters to the party by asking CHRIS and MICHELLE to please add new characters.
CHRIS PINE
Well I know Justice Smith, our friendly wizard. He's right over there, robbing a theatre of people by magically jamming all their valuables into a giant floating ball and hoping they just sort of don't notice.
JUSTICE SMITH
Human-sidekick hybrid
Skills: Confidence-based magic
Flaws: Lack of confidence
JUSTICE SMITH
And I happen to know Sophia Lillis, the shapeshifter, she's right over there fighting some soldiers to rescue what seems to be a major character but in fact isn't.
SOPHIA LILLIS
Human-ginger hybrid
Skills: Can become any animal
Flaws: Won't stop flogging her "Womanimal" pilot script
SOPHIA LILLIS
This would be a GREAT time to become an owlbear!
(becomes owlbear)
Hahaha, fuck you soldiers! Smashy smashy!
(wins resoundingly)
CAST OF "WILLOW"
Also WE'RE available to
(cancelled)
(deleted from existence)
Once the party is formed, go to LOCATION 4.
INT. LOCATION 4 - THE EMERALD ENCLAVE
The ENCLAVE is a roughly two-mile-square area of the adjacent forest with the usual treetop habitats, catwalks, bridges, protocol droids being worshipped as Gods, etc. Let the players futz around until someone expresses a wish for more information on the quest, at which point read the following:
SOPHIA LILLIS
Hey guys, while you were all drinking and mainlining Oreos, I went and used my shapeshifting power to gain tons of intel on Hugh's castle. Roll 1d10.
(on roll of 1)
Hugh's hosting some epic tournament with a weird name I never could quite get no matter how many times everyone says it.
(on roll of 2-4, that plus)
Daisy Head, the allegedly regular wizard who does evil things with a red-trimmed cloak, is actually wearing a reversible and is an evil Red Wizard, whaaaat.
(on roll of 5-7, that plus)
Rich assholes from all over are bringing treasure to bet on the tournament, and it's all getting thrown together in a huge pile in a vault. Hopefully someone wrote down who started with what to help sort out debts afterwards.
(on roll of 8-10, that plus)
And the vault is guarded with a super tough magical seal glyphy thing, I'd have no idea what to call it but luckily Daisy said its name and vital statistics out loud right in front of me.
At this point the players will need to cast certain spells to advance the story. Consult the following chart to determine the result:
SPELL RESULTS CHART
Invoke Sidequest MacGuffin - JUSTICE remembers there is a special magic helm that can breach the seal! MICHELLE thinks they can find it by going to Location 6. If the party doesn't get the helm don't sweat it, all it really does is help JUSTICE level up, which you can also achieve by throwing a NOT TODAY NOT ON MY WATCH check his way.
Summon Critical Story Item - MICHELLE decides they should take time out to visit her ex. Go to Location 5.
Neither - Admonish the party for their lack of narrative-propelling spells. Go to Location 9.
NOTE - If the party goes after the magic helm WITHOUT visiting Location 5 then they are pretty much fucked, so just string them along until you either achieve Total Party Kill or everyone calls it a night because they're old now and a bunch of quitters.
INT. LOCATION 5 - MICHELLE'S EX'S PLACE
With time of the essence, the party has decided to chill and let MICHELLE try and gain some closure with her ex, TINY BRADLEY COOPER.
TINY BRADLEY COOPER
Human-raccoon hybrid
Motivation: Please just let me be normal human sized in a movie again, for the love of God
TINY BRADLEY COOPER
It's good to see you again, Michelle, but I've outgrown you. Emotionally, I mean. However if it would help you to grab, say, one random item located around my house, I'm certainly fine with that.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Clearly, I'm choosing the walking stick that's comically oversized for you, even though I currently have no need for it.
The party can add INNOCENT NORMAL WALKING STICK to their inventory while you, the GM, breathe a huuuuge sigh of relief (or disappointment, depending how much you like these players). Either continue to Location 6 if the MacGuffin has been invoked, or proceed directly to Location 7.
EXT. LOCATION 6 - DESOLATE GRAVEYARD
MICHELLE reveals her former tribe was in a battle involving the magic helm, and it just so happens that JUSTICE has a talking-to-corpses charm! You can be more subtle with bringing about this lucky break if you feel anyone will appreciate the effort.
GRAVEYARD OF MICHELLE'S FORMER FAM
Roll 1d4 and check result
1 --- The party gets all the information they need from the first corpse, and proceeds to Location 8.
2 or 3 --- The charm has 1d8+5 uses, and each use gains 1d4 questions per corpse, so the party must tread carefully and use their questions wisely. This will create a tense, gripping scene the players will long remember.
4 --- Fuck it, the charm has infinite uses so even with, say, 5 questions at a time, the party can just fuck around being idiots until you eventually relent and give them at least Location 7. I guess Fate is okay with these jackasses blundering their way through shit.
Regardless of the result, if the party fails a NEEDLESS SUFFERING check, they leave one poor undead soul twisting in limbo indefinitely. It is up to the GM whether to share this information since it would be highly distressing to any player with a shred of empathy to know this, and might threaten to DERAIL the entire adventure.
INT. LOCATION 7 - REGE-JEAN PAGE'S SWANKY MANOR
REGE-JEAN PAGE
Obvious DM NPC designed to get party unstuck
Skills: Optimized power-gamer build
Flaws: Will be Forever DM's character if they ever get to play in a campaign
NOTE: Whenever REGE-JEAN is present, CHRIS gains the Incessant Snarky Commentary flaw.
Upon being approached by the party, REGE-JEAN is warm, friendly, and willing to share information in between saving CAT PEOPLE from FISH BEASTS, and DOG PEOPLE from MAIL CARRIER BEASTS.
If the players mention DAISY HEAD, read the following:
REGE-JEAN PAGE
A red wizard, you say? My only previous experience with red wizards was when one of them gathered a large crowd together, and then cast Scarlet Witch Smoke on them to make a zombie army. I will note that running away from the smoke DID NOT HELP, no sirree.
CHRIS PINE
Hm, and Daisy's working with Hugh, and he's announced a tournament to gather a large crowd together... what can she POSSIBLY be planning?!?
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Well it can't be to zombify everyone, that would leave all their treasure in a huge unattended pile with only evil shallow rogue Hugh Grant left to deal with it, that just wouldn't be nice!
JUSTICE SMITH
It's a real stumper and no mistake. We'll just have to rob Hugh, save Chloe, and hope Daisy's evil plan is one of those never-actually-happens kind of plans.
If the party has activated SIDEQUEST MACGUFFIN, go to Location 8. Otherwise CHRIS and MICHELLE decide everyone should charge into HUGH'S castle where they get immediately captured, go to Location 12.
INT. LOCATION 8 - THE UNDERDARK
The UNDERDARK is a sinister, sprawling subterranean realm made from random Heroscape tiles. The party can simply follow REGE-JEAN to have the magic helm handed to them, or if they haven't met REGE-JEAN they can actually try to gain XP and do some shit for themselves for once.
RANDOM ENCOUNTER - BRAIN EATERS
appear on roll of 1-2 on 1d10
Actions: Will attack any character with INT above 12, or highest INT in the party if nobody above 12, or will just ignore everyone for a quick laugh even if it makes utterly no sense
Along the way the party will need to cross a booby-trapped BRIDGE, but REGE-JEAN can explain how the BRIDGE is DONE. Before crossing, however, the party will need to make an UNDERMINING COMEDY check; failure means they destroy the bridge with their first step.
SOPHIA LILLIS
This would be a GREAT time to turn into a giant eagle that could carry us across!
(fuck you, players)
At this point the party's options are Struggle, Suffer, and Die; unless of course they previously decided that rescuing CHLOE COLEMAN could take a back seat to figuring out MICHELLE'S relationship status, thus acquiring the INNOCENT NORMAL WALKING STICK. If so, they now realize it is in fact a PORTAL-GENERATING STAFF! This allows everyone to reach the MAGIC HELM, at which point they are confronted by new enemies:
DAISY'S UNDEAD BUDDIES
Grimdark beasties
Actions: Tough talk; Posturing; Getting pummelled by Rege-Jean
Special Abilities: Once killed, will resurrect in 1d4 rounds, though this will not affect the party and indeed these creatures won't appear ever again past this scene
PUFFY, THE ROTUND DRAGON
Big chonky boi
Hit Points: Don't flatter yourself
Actions: Breathe Flame (2d4 damage); Biiiig Stretch (1d8+3 damage); Roll Over (3d6 damage); Nom Treats (instant kill)
SOPHIA LILLIS
This would be a GREAT time to turn into, I dunno, almost any fucking thing besides a scrawny humanoid!
(again, fuck off players)
To escape, the party will need to reach a specific hole in a cave wall--and without the PORTAL STAFF good fucking luck--and then ignite PUFFY'S flaming breath which is already on fire, creating a hole to the surface. Once there, REGE-JEAN walks away because that's enough hand-holding for one module.
EXT. LOCATION 9 -- A CAMPSITE BY THE WATER
If the party has acquired the MAGIC HELM, JUSTICE can use it to visit the ancestral plain and FAIL, up to 7d20 times. Once that's happened (or not), read the following:
JUSTICE SMITH
Well this sucks! We've got no way to rescue Chloe, or get the tablet, or even rob all that treasure! This is clearly the point where we all give up and go home.
CHRIS PINE
Or, hear me out, what if we did the heartwarming Guardians scene where they all stand in a circle together? Wait, we're already standing, it'll have to be sitting down together instead. Cool?
The players must make a save versus ROUSING CAMARADERIE TROPES or else continue the adventure:
If the party put everything on hold to deal with MICHELLE'S personal life, thus acquiring the PORTAL STAFF --- MICHELLE has an idea! Go to Location 10.
If the party, going against normal PC behaviour, stayed on mission and do not possess the PORTAL STAFF --- they rush HUGH'S castle, get captured, and go to Location 12.
EXT. LOCATION 10 -- THE WOODS OUTSIDE HUGHTOWN
MICHELLE'S plan is to put half a portal on something and then smuggle it into the vault. This is a GOOD and FUN plan, so encourage the players to be creative with it. Let them experiment and enjoy the possibilities. More likely than not this will create the most engaging, memorable moments of the whole adventure, so don't give away that the whole thing is ultimately pointless.
Once the plan is in place, have it appear to succeed before summarily having it fail and proceed to Location 11.
EXT. LOCATION 11 -- HUGH'S MORBID CASTLE
At this point the party splits up, and the players must decide who to follow:
CHRIS PINE
Roll 1d10
1-2: The players were actually following a decoy illusion of CHRIS, far beyond the point where it was blindingly obvious. Choose another character.
3-8: They find CHLOE! Have CHRIS deliver a heartfelt speech before revealing CHLOE is really DAISY in disguise, who captures everyone. Do not have CHRIS repeat his speech to the real CHLOE under any circumstances.
9-10: They find the REAL CHLOE! This is a crucial and important development and no matter what they choose next, have them all immediately captured.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
MICHELLE clobbers and murders dozens of guards, most of whom were probably just trying to earn a living after taking an arrow to the knee. Once you sense the players have had enough of this scene, have them all immediately captured.
JUSTICE SMITH
If JUSTICE has the MAGIC HELM -- the players race to the vault, JUSTICE dramatically uses the HELM to gain access, and everyone is immediately captured.
If JUSTICE does not have the MAGIC HELM -- the players race to the vault, do not gain access, and everyone is immediately captured.
SOPHIA LILLIS
Throw the players a bone by having SOPHIA use her shape-shifting powers to find the REAL location of the treasure, beneath the arena. Can you guess what happens next? Come on, guess. That's right, the players find the +15 SWORD OF MULTI-DIMENSIONAL TRANS-WARPING hahaha no they all get immediately captured.
Once more at the complete mercy of HUGH and DAISY, the party must make a saving throw against WELL SHIT THE MOVIE SHOULD JUST END RIGHT THE FUCK HERE. If they fail, think of some excuse to let them try again until they succeed because, come on. Once they do, proceed to Location 12.
EXT. LOCATION 12 -- THE ARENA
The party finds themselves at the centre of a giant arena, represented by the largest pad of graph paper you can find. High above, HUGH addresses the crowd:
HUGH GRANT
Welcome everyone, to my first annual... well I never did catch what we're calling it so let's say THE HUNNN-GER GAMES!!
(handed note)
That's taken? Okay, well, this is a bit literal but welcome to my arena of... MAZES AND MONSTERS!!
(handed note)
Oh fuck off.
SOPHIA LILLIS
This would be a GREAT time to transform into a gryphon!
(fails)
Wait, why didn't... oh, they put magic-suppressing bracelets on us like in Dr. Strange 2!
CHRIS PINE
Oh come on we don't have to compare EVERYTHING to the MCU okay?!? Now let's try and figure a way out of here, did anyone see Wonder Woman 1984? I'm pretty sure this is the same arena but I didn't really pay attention to other people's scenes.
MAZE OF MONSTERS
Requires successful Gauntlet skill check to navigate, otherwise joystick jams and party gets stuck in a corner
Actions: Spawn whatever monsters you still have records of from your original D&D set (but make sure you have Gelatinous Cube, everyone loves Gelatinous Cube)
Have the party continue to fight waves of monsters until they all die, or someone realizes the Gelatinous Cube is strong enough to pull a magic-suppressing bracelet--and nothing else--off one of our heroes. They can also hide in a Cube (taking 0.0000000006 HP damage per hour) to reach Location 13.
INT. LOCATION 13 -- BENEATH THE ARENA
Below the arena is the TREASURE ROOM and CONFISCATED GEAR HIDING ROOM, so allow the players to regain all their previous items, even the PORTAL STAFF which you might think DAISY would have held onto, but not the MAGIC HELM because that would make it too easy.
Outside the room is HUGH holding CHLOE hostage at SMALL PUNY DAGGERPOINT!
CHRIS PINE
Dammit! Listen Hugh, just let her go and I'll give you the resurrection tablet. You can sell that for millions of GP, to be honest I'm surprised you didn't immediately do that two years ago.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
And if you don't let her go, this entire party of adventurers will stomp your scrawny underskilled ass!
HUGH GRANT
(evil smile)
You can certainly try.
(and almost certainly succeed)
Hm?
HUGH GRANT
Co-Lead Villain with no real combat skill forced to engage in obligatory physical-skill standoff
Actions: Threaten Child; Bluster; Stall While Heroes Look Around for Plan Inspiration
Weaknesses: Pretty much everything, but try and make the players put in some kind of effort and not just throw a potato or whatever
If the players win (and really, if they don't they should just quit D&D forever) they have a chance to escape, unless anyone with Remotely Good alignment remembers the whole Daisy's-probably-gonna-murder-everyone thing. And indeed, any player who even so much as mentions an Observation check will notice the giant red smoke cloud of death gathering over the Arena.
GIANT BILLOWING RED CLOUD OF ZOMBIE DEATH
Spell Effect
Anyone who comes into contact with the cloud instantly becomes a ravenous rampaging zombie, hellbent on death and destruction. This spell has the potential to devastate the entire realm and usher in an age of pure evil.
Counterspells: Walk Away; Dangle Keys; Hey Look Over There
Resolution: The Cloud can be defeated if the players think of some way to make the crowd stand up and leave the arena. Despite Rege-Jean's flashbacks, even a leisurely pace is sufficient to avoid the Cloud. If the players have the PORTAL STAFF, they may be tempted to shower HUGH'S treasures on the streets as a diversion; this action creates a stampede which kills 4d20+11 townspeople per round.
DAISY HEAD
Wow my supreme plan got thwarted by everyone just walking away. Hope that doesn't undermine my Big Badness too much for the final showdown with the PCs, but at least I managed to create 1d8+4 zombies before everyone left! They'll be useful sidekicks in battle...
(looks around)
Wait where the fuck did they go?
EXT. LOCATION 14 -- THE STREETS OF HUGHTOWN
The party does final battle against DAISY! If you need a detailed map feel free to use the same ones from THE BOOK OF BOBA FETT final battle.
DAISY HEAD
BBEG
Spells: Fireball (cast at least once per round, needs 25 on 1d20 to hit); Grasping Tentacles (instantly captures opponent--not available); Sink Into Floor (instantly captures opponent--not available); Disguise as Ally (not available); Animate Statue (statue has no access to any of Daisy's spells or abilities); Summon Giant Hand (hand has no access to any of Daisy's spells or abilities); Hamster Ball (does zero damage but is super fun); Time Stop (can instantly win, but only available when all other spells exhausted)
Weapons: one Instant Kill Dagger (unstoppable, kills any opponent, you'd think Red Wizards would be strapped head to toe with these things)
Abilities: Detect Shapeshifter; Fail to Detect Invisible Child
When DAISY finally gets around to casting Time Stop, JUSTICE can counter it if he's somehow managed to level up during the adventure, or if you're just feeling charitable towards the players. This allows INVISIBLE CHLOE to put a magic-suppression cuff on DAISY and win the fight.
DAISY HEAD
Damn, you've defeated me. I suppose I must resign myself to being brought to justice and tried by a council of-
SOFIA LILLIS
Now this really is a GREAT time to become an owlbear!
(becomes owlbear)
HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU DAISY HEAD
(recreates the Hulk-stomping-Loki scene from Avengers)
IT'S TRUE I REALLY AM DOING MY BEST TO MIMIC THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT, YES WE WERE GONNA STOP MAKING MCU COMPARISONS BUT THEN THIS FUCKING THING HAPPENS
DAISY HEAD
(thrown into wall)
(crushed by eight tons of falling stone)
(run over by passing freight train)
(jumped on by Arthur Dent)
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Good win team! I even saved us a souvenir, this instakill blade stuck in my urk ack blurgh
(dies)
CHLOE COLEMAN
Noooo not Michelle, who mothered me throughout my childhood in place of my dead biological mother who I barely remember! So many memories of your mothering skills! If only there was some way-
CHRIS PINE
Yes yes it's been pretty obvious for a while now this tablet wasn't getting used on my wife. Roll 1d20 and on a result of 1-20 we bring back Michelle.
The players have WON! Consult the following chart to determine what other bonuses and effects they gain from having completed the module:
DENOUMENT RESULTS TABLE
Roll 1d10
1-2: The players assist REGE-JEAN in tracking down HUGH, which once again means stand and watch while REGE-JEAN does the task effortlessly. The players gain 200 GP, 25 XP, 4 weddings, 1 funeral, and a troll, standing in front of a bard, asking them to charm it.
3-5: The players are lauded as heroes and their criminal records are purged. They gain 100 GP, 40 XP, and a potential sequel.
6-9: The players are generally favourably reviewed, and super-hyped on social media, but it remains unclear if a sufficient impression was made on the wider public. Gain 10 XP, and four months later gain 2d100 XP.
10: The players return to the cemetary and finally free that last undead soul, thus avoiding ending the entire adventure on a massive downer note. Gain 300 XP each.
END