So if I get seven of these things, I can wish this movie out of existence?!


The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script



World-renowned artist and DRAGON BALL-creator AKIRA TORIYAMA sits down for a lovely dinner with his WIFE and CHILDREN. Suddenly, his FACE darkens, and the CHOPSTICKS slip from his hand. He clutches his LEFT ARM and begins SEIZING VIOLENTLY, foam dripping from his MOUTH. He is rushed to the HOSPITAL and examined by the greatest DOCTORS in all JAPAN but they can do nothing for him. Days pass before he finally works up the strength to grab a NURSE by the arm, pull her close, and whisper desperately her in her EAR.



Get me.... the movie....

The hospital staff tries to persuade AKIRA to save his STRENGTH but he INSISTS. Some hours later, a TV is placed in front of him, and a copy of DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION is inserted into the DISC DRIVE. AKIRA clutches his WIFE'S HAND as the TITLES begin to PLAY.


Long ago, a demon alien... thing named Ming the Merciless Lord Piccolo came to earth and starting destroying it because reasons. He used a giant monkey... thing called Uzaru to aid him in this, because apparently a demon god with an alien army needs all the help he can get to slaughter ancient humans. Seven mystics banded together to cast a spell on him and seal him away forever, until recently when he decided not to be imprisoned anymore. Hmm... is there anything I'm forgetting?


The Dragon Balls! You haven't said shit about the Dragon Balls!!


Oh well, I'm sure I'll remember later. Now let's get this trainwreck a-rollin'.

TITLES finish as AKIRA begins SEIZING once again.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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