INT. SONY STUDIOS

Director PAUL FEIG, screenwriter KATIE DIPPOLD, and SONY producer AMY PASCAL all appear in their own Ghostbusters TV COMMERICAL!

AMY PASCAL

(stepping forward)

Do you believe Hollywood should respond to the recent criticism involving the lack of diversity?

KATIE DIPPOLD

(stepping forward)

But do you believe the only way to do that is to rehash a damn-near-perfect comedy because it's guaranteed money? Also because, you know, that whole idea of "creating the roles and movies you'd like to see on screen" is for chumps?

PAUL FEIG

(stepping forward)

And do you believe that constant reboots, sequels and prequels are totally NOT an indication that Hollywood has just run out of fucking ideas decades ago?

AMY PASCAL

If the answer is yes then don't wait another minute. Get to your movie theater today!

AMY, PAUL AND KATIE

The Ghostbusters reboot!

AMY PASCAL

Our courteous and efficient staff at Sony is available 24 hours a day to ruin all of your favorite movies.

AMY, PAUL AND KATIE

We're ready to disappoint you!

INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY.

Dr. KRISTEN WIIG prepares herself to teach in the big lecture hall today.

KRISTIN WIIG

Welp, you've made it, Kris. You've got you're dream job. Heh, better not screw it up. Wow, heh, it hasn't even started yet and yet I'm extremely nervous! It's like there's an extraordinary amount of pressure riding on it or something. Heh heh, weird...

Unfortunately, a book she wrote years ago about the existence of ghosts has resurfaced on Amazon and threatens her tenure.

She tracks down her co-author, MELISSA MCCARTHY in her lab.

KRISTEN WIIG

WTF Melissa? How could you put our book on Amazon? How could you ruin my career like this? And how could you take all of the money you've made without even telling me? What a bitch.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Hang on, Kris. I've got to interrupt you to make the first of many, many jokes about wonton soup. Also, meet my lab partner, Kate McKinnon. She's a brilliant engineer, as well as an absurdly quirky weirdo. She also has the ability to make some of the audience members double check their Kinsey scale rating.

KATE MCKINNON

It's true. But yeah, I'm real excited to be studying this ghost stuff, like those guys did thirty years ag-

MELISSA MCCARTHY

COUGH COUGH AHEM! Uh, yeah, there were no guys 30 years ago.

KATE MCKINNON

(pause)

What?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

There was no one studying the paranormal 30 years ago.

KATE MCKINNON

You've gotta be kidding me.

KRISTEN WIIG

Nope. We're the first ones to ever talk about the existence of ghosts.

KATE MCKINNON

That's bullshit! It's extremely obvious to everyone that there were four guys catching ghosts 30 years ago. In this same city, no less! In fact, it would make a lot of sense if we actually went to them for help and then had them pass on their knowledge to us so we can simultaneously continue and expand their work and-

KRISTEN WIIG

This is the story and we're sticking to it.

KATE MCKINNON

And I'm the crazy one...

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Change of subject! What's that Kristen? A haunting at the Aldridge mansion? Time to break out what is apparently this movie's hilarious catchphrase: "Let's go."

INT. ALDRIDGE MANSION

The girls walk through the mansion and meet a bright blue, glowing, ghost lady!

KRISTIN WIIG

Woah. How did this lady die? Did she fall into a giant vat of nuclear waste or something?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Shh! This is amazing! I'll record this, and Kristen, you go up and talk to it! We're finally going to have the proof we need to start the marketing and commercialization --uh, I mean, ghost exploration!

KRISTEN does, and the ghost VOMITS up HI-C ECTO COOLER, BACK ON SHELVES! CHECK YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE!

KATE MCKINNON

Aww, just like when we used to vomit that stuff up when we were kids! Ah, memories.

They all get fired from their Universities after their video goes VIRAL and makes them all look INSANE.

EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT

Now jobless, KRISTEN, MELISSA, and KATE decide to set up their new paranormal studying facility.

KATE MCKINNON

This space above the Chinese restaurant is fine, but I really wish we could've rented that firehouse in TriBeCa we were all so excited about. It's like we were nodding to a specific place from the past.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

COUGH. NO WE WEREN'T.

LESLIE JONES shows up and meets the girls.

LESLIE JONES

Hey guys! I'm an exceptionally chipper subway worker, and I'd like to work with you. The MTA is a fucking hellhole. Also, I saw a ghost and I think it was because of this movie's villain named Neil Casey. He came right up to my window and talked about the "fourth cataclysm," which is probably supposed to mean something, but everything he does seems to have been lazily written with little or no context.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I don't know, Leslie. Why do you think you'd make a good asset to our team?

LESLIE JONES

Because I have an extensive historical knowledge of New York. Speaking of which, I'm almost positive there were four people who did the exact same thing you're doing 30 years ag-

MELISSA MCCARTHY

COUGH COUGH OKAY YOU'RE HIRED.

KRISTEN WIIG

This is great! Not only did we get a new facility, a fourth member of the team, but also a new and unbelievably stupid receptionist!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

It's true. I know it's all for the humor and all, but I'm so stupid it's a wonder my brain even remembers to tell my lungs to breathe. But hopefully I'll get some sort of character arc and not just be the same running gag over and over again? Right guys? Right? Hello?

(crickets chirping)

LESLIE takes the girls down into the subway tunnel. They try out KATE'S brand NEW and TOTALLY NEVER BEFORE SEEN ghost catching technology, and the video of them goes viral!

KATE MCKINNON

ANOTHER one of our videos went viral? Is the internet having a slow week or something?

KRISTEN WIIG

I don't know, but look! Everyone seems to be calling us "Ghostbusters" now, even though we didn't actually catch the ghost. Also, look at all these misogynistic comments under the video!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Ha! See? We're making fun of the internet hate this movie got in real life!

LESLIE JONES

That IS funny. Are we also going to lampoon the fact that Sony deleted legitimate criticisms of the movie on their Youtube page and left only the actual racist and misogynistic ones?

KATE MCKINNON

And then made the incredibly odd decision to market the movie by actively attacking the "basement dwelling virgins" whose money they need for this movie to not flop?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Heh... oh God, is it hot in here?

LESLIE JONES

Don't worry, Melissa. I found a way to help us with all our equipment. Check it out! I borrowed a car from my Uncle. It's a hearse!

KRISTEN WIIG

A hearse? So, you're saying that ECTO-1 is no longer a modified version of the vehicle that saves people, but instead the vehicle where people go to die?

KATE MCKINNON

It's fine, actually. We can use the vehicle to haul away the franchise.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Ugh, whatever. Lets just get in the car and-- oh god, Leslie! I think the radio in this car is broken! It's emitting a a horribly unpleasant and ear-piercing sound!

LESLIE JONES

Yeah, that's not the car. That's just the new "Ghostbusters (I'm Not Afraid)" cover playing in the background.

The four of them go to a rock concert and make their first CATCH! While they're celebrating back at headquarters, they're visited by BILL FUCKIN' MURRAY OH MY GOD!

CAMEO BILL MURRAY

Relax everyone. I'm not playing Venkman, and it's very obvious that I don't want to be here. I'm just here to say that I think you're all phonies. Okay Sony, I did what you wanted me to do so you can't sue me now!

KRISTEN accidentally KILLS BILL MURRAY by INTENTIONALLY RELEASING the ONLY GHOST THEY'VE EVER CAUGHT.

INT. NEW YORK

The girls follow a lead to a HOTEL.

CAMEO ANNIE POTTS

I'm on the phone again? Welp, I guess it's kind of appropriate since I'm phoning in this cameo.

They find NEIL CASEY in the basement along with his ghost release-y machine thingy.

NEIL CASEY

Hey everyone! Isn't it great that hotels have giant, empty basements where nobody ever goes?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

The jig is up, Neil! Turn off your ghost releasing machine! Also, explain what the "fourth cataclysm" means!

NEIL CASEY

Never! I will wreak havoc on the world that has mistreated me all these years! And I will finally get to live out my lifelong dream of being an uninteresting and completely forgettable villain!

NEIL ELECTROCUTES HIMSELF. He turns into a ghost, then possesses MELISSA!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

(possessed by Neil)

Ohhhh see you all thought Neil was dead, but it turns out, turning himself into a ghost was his plan all along! Wow, isn't this a totally unique and unforeseeable plot twist? I sure am impressed!

LESLIE SLAPS THE SHIT out of her.

NEIL'S ghost leaves MELISSA, and flies right towards-

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hey guys! Check it out! I was meant to be a Ghostbuster! No seriously, ever since I got this job, women have been calling me and asking me personally to help them with their ghost problems! Although, the ghosts always seem to be in their vaginas... Ack!

(gets possessed by Neil)

NEIL/HEMSWORTH rides off and goes back to his machine. The machine opens up a giant PORTAL, and releases all the glowy ghosts ever!

KRISTEN WIIG

Huh. Falling in vats of nuclear waste must be a bigger hazard than I realized.

KRISTEN tries to warn the Mayor, but he rejects her for some reason or another. She tries to get back to headquarters when she runs into-

DAN AKROYD

Aye, how ya doin'? I know somma' yooz guyz are excited to hear me say "I ain't afraid 'a no ghosts," but I think mosta yooz are probably relieved that I didn't try to peddle that friggin' skull head vodka again.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE

The ghosts start DESTROYING the city. MELISSA, LESLIE and KATE arrive only to find out that NEIL/HEMSWORTH has magically turned everything back to 1920's. They also run into a car jacking SLIMER!

LESLIE JONES

Well this is just fucking ridiculous.

KATE MCKINNON

I know right? With inflation and the cost of living now a days, there's no way Slimer could still afford to live in Midtown.

LESLIE JONES

No, I mean why did Neil change everything back to the 1920's? Was there an explanation that I missed? I'm confused.

The girls then have to fight some giant GHOST PARADE BALLOONS, one of which is MR. STAY PUFT! He squishes them all, but then KRISTIN shows up at the last minute and pops him!

KRISTIN WIIG

Why did we fight the ghost parade balloons with our proton packs if we could just pop them with a simple knife? Also, what the FUCK are ghost parade balloons?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Look! There's Hemsworth! And he seems to have frozen the police and military in a disco stance! It's almost like there was supposed to be some big dance number here but it was cut out at the last minute because they realized how stupid that would have been!

NEIL/HEMSWORTH

Oh God, you're right. Maybe the stupidity of your secretary influenced my thinking as well. I know! I'll jump out of Hemsworth, and ask you to "choose your form!"

LESLIE JONES

Choose our form? Okay, how about something small and easy to defeat?

NEIL/HEMSWORTH

Milo Yiannopoulos?

LESLIE JONES

HA! No. Fuck that guy. How about that cartoon ghost that was awkwardly shoehorned into this movie earlier?

NEIL/HEMSWORTH

We're not even trying, are we?

NEIL leaves HEMSWORTH, then turns into a giant version of the "NO GHOST" LOGO GUY. He joins all the other ghosts in destroying the city!

KRISTEN WIIG

What do we do now?

AMY PASCAL

Why don't you try freezing him? You know, like the way I froze out Ivan Reitman during the production of this film?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

GRRR, NO! Go away, will you?!

KATE MCKINNON

I have an idea. There's actually a nuclear reactor on top of Ecto-1. I decided the top of a car was the best place to put it. Anyway, if we can lure Slimer to drive the car near the portal, we can reverse it!

KRISTIN WIIG

Well we're going to need a huge explosion to set it off. I know! I'll play this movie's first trailer! Okay, I'm opening up Twitter, don't look directly at the Twitter comments!

KATE MCKINNON

I looked at the Twitter comments, Kristen!

The NERD RAGE TWITTER EXPLOSION sets off the nuke! They reverse the portal, suck back all the ghosts, and save the city!

CAMEO ERNIE HUDSON

So what do we think? Is Harold Ramis still IN his grave? Or has he rolled over so many times he's practically buzzsawed himself out of his casket?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

ARGH, THAT'S IT! I don't get it. We have an excellent cast, and a great director, despite that stupid picture of him with his leg up in the air. Everyone has conceded that this movie was not the total train wreck they all thought it would be. So why do we STILL continue to receive so much hate? Is our society really THAT woman-hating?

KATE MCKINNON

Oh man, we wouldn't be bringing up that big, vagina-having elephant in the room, would we?

KRISTEN WIIG

YES! Why can't people like our all female movie? So what if it's a remake and not a sequel? So what if we ignored the wishes of our target audience? So what if we spent a ton of time and energy winking and nodding to the original movie when we gave it the middle finger in the first place-oooohhhhhhhhh I get it now.

CAMEO SIGOURNEY WEAVER

That's right, you guys underestimated the power of nerds! And the abusive power of the internet.

LESLIE JONES

So you're saying that if we had just made this movie in the same universe as the originals, people might not have cared about the gender roles? Holy fuck, that seems so easy!

UNIVERSAL PICTURES

So does this mean we're all ready for the Back to the Future remake?

EVERYONE

*NERD RAGES FOREVER*

END