FADE IN:

INT. (OR EXT.?) HOLLOW EARTH

KONG is running around in the dumb SUBTERRANEAN JUNGLE from the last movie, being chased by some MONSTER WOLF THINGS. They corner him at the edge of a CLIFF.

KONG

Fuck. Guess I have no choice but to fight, using this scene to establish the battle prowess that-

The GROUND collapses underneath some of the WOLVES and the rest RUN AWAY.

KONG

I mean, I guess that gets the job done. Now to find a new conflict worthy of the mighty Kong.

(bites into dead wolf)

OW! I have a TOOTHACHE! I better head back up to the surface to get help from mankind.

(looks up at gravity portal a thousand feet over his head)

...Might have to just skip over how the hell I’m supposed to do that.

INT. PRESS BRIEFING

REBECCA HALL is doing a series of GENERAL PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENTS to catch everybody up on where we are plotwise.

REBECCA HALL

So Kong is safely staying in hollow earth, but he’s all sad because the only other living things down there all want to tear his throat out. Which is kind of the same situation as he had back on Skull Island, but at least he had his human worshippers then.

THE PRESS

And what about Godzilla?

REBECCA HALL

Oh, well, sequestering Kong to his own area has actually given us a reasonable premise for having a straight Kong sequel without Godzilla, so we’ve kind of plotted out a whole Kong-exclusive adventure this time.

THE PRESS

NO YOU HAVE TO HAVE GODZILLA, SHOVE GODZILLA IN SOMEHOW. ALSO GIVE HIM TOP BILLING IN THE TITLE.

REBECCA HALL

(sighs)

Okay fine, we’ll shoehorn in a little smattering of Godzilla stuff. I have to warn you though that the Godzilla Minus One comparison isn’t going to do us any favors.

EXT. ROME

In ROME, GODZILLA has a fight with some random SQUID CRAB MONSTER. The two of them TRAMPLE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOODS into GRAVEL, presumably killing HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE.

ROMANS

Oh that’s right. We now live in a world where anywhere, at any time, the earth could erupt under your feet and your home could become the staging ground for a devastating kaiju battle that destroys everybody and everything you love. What a horrible nightmare existence the entire human race has to endure now and forever.

(crushed into paste)

yup keeping godzilla and kong from fighting sure has made a meaningful fuckin’ difference in human welfare hasn’t it blehhh

After killing the CRAB THING, GODZILLA curls up in the COLOSSEUM and goes to SLEEP.

THE MILITARY

Oh awesome! Finally a chance to kill this monster before-

REBECCA HALL

No, Godzilla’s our friend, remember? The whole world is on board with just letting Godzilla do his thing because we all agree he’s a good guy.

VIEWERS OF MONARCH: LEGACY OF MONSTERS

(brains explode)

EXT. BEACH

KONG climbs out of a GRAVITY PORTAL and collapses, waiting for a GIANT APE DENTIST or something. Implausibly enough, one arrives, in the form of DAN STEVENS.

DAN STEVENS

Hi mates, I’m basically Steve Irwin if he were a kaiju vet, which is such a fun idea that it should probably be its own movie! Instead it’s practically not gonna come up again after this scene. Anyway, let’s yank this tooth and replace it with a building-sized synthetic ape tooth that we apparently had lying around for just such an occasion.

He DOES THIS, then KONG just goes BACK THROUGH THE PORTAL and GOES HOME.

KONG

Okay, that toothache bit is over and kinda wound up being irrelevant to the story. Is there an actual plot we could kick off anywhere around here?

(ground opens up under his feet)

That’ll do!

He heads down into the HOLE and finds that there is a WHOLE OTHER REALM lying underneath HOLLOW EARTH!

KONG

Oh for fuck’s sake. Are we next going to find out that there’s an additional subterranean realm under this one? Is this whole planet basically a giant whiffle ball?

Exploring this even-hollower-Earth, he is shocked to soon meet a CHILD APE KAIJU!

DIDDY KONG

Wait, why do I look like a toddler? I’m basically the same size as you were in Kong: Skull Island, and you looked grown-up then.

KONG

The funniest answer would be that the giant monster those helicopters were fighting in that movie was just a really ugly baby.

DIDDY KONG decides to ATTACK the guy big enough to BITE HIS HEAD OFF, because he is an IDIOT. Then OTHER GIANT APES join the fray, and KONG fights them off by physically clubbing them with DIDDY, which is probably entertaining unless you happened to watch a NATURE DOCUMENTARY in HIGH SCHOOL where a chimpanzee did that ACTUAL THING, in which case all this scene does is stir up DEEPLY UPSETTING MEMORIES. KONG wins the fight and takes DIDDY hostage.

INT. MONARCH BASE

The MONARCH staff are alerted when a HOLLOW EARTH BASE gets DESTROYED.

REBECCA HALL

Oh dear! And at the same time, my adoptive daughter Kaylee Hottle has started having visions of three triangles in a row, using her... telepathic powers? Wait, since when?

KAYLEE HOTTLE

(signing)

Oh did we neglect to mention that my race of Skull Island natives all have telepathic powers? Well we totally always did this whole time. Must’ve slipped our minds.

REBECCA HALL

Okay... but wait a minute. Three triangles?

(checks notes)

Aha! According to this random readout, an electromagnetic signal was detected by that base right before it was smashed, and on the readout it looks like three triangles! These must be related, I mean where else could you possibly see such an incredibly strange and specific image as three triangles?

REBECCA goes to see BRIAN TYREE HENRY for help with the READOUT.

REBECCA HALL

Since this is just three bursts of static, its significance ought to be impossible to discern, but I thought if you threw enough incomprehensible sciency gobbledygook at it...

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Say no more!

(looks at readout)

Since the amplitude of the radiant exitance is flux divergent mumbo jumbo bibbity bobbity boo, I deduce that this is a distress signal from something underground!

REBECCA HALL

Gasp! We’d better take a team to find the source of the signal!

KAYLEE HOTTLE

And you should take me, your twelve-year-old daughter, into the monster-filled wilderness to help track that signal with my telepathy! As opposed to just using a regular radio which has been shown to pick up the signal just fine.

DAN STEVENS

And I should come just in case monster vet stuff has to happen! Which it technically never will!

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Can I come too? I’m actually not going to contribute to the plot ever again, but I’m pretty good at having comical reactions to stuff.

REBECCA HALL

Okay, you can come. Who else of the recurring cast can we bring, Millie Bobby Brown? Kyle Chandler? Alexander Skarsgard? Julian Dennison? Oh right, nobody actually cares about any of the human characters, so we brought almost nobody back just like the last couple of times.

INT./EXT/WHATEVER SUB-HOLLOW EARTH

DIDDY leads KONG to a WATERING HOLE where they both DRINK.

DIDDY KONG

Yes, come into this perfectly “safe” lake, mwa ha ha... I’m sure glad that predators always go straight for the biggest and most dangerous target and never try to pick off the small and weak.

A LAKE MONSTER attacks KONG and DIDDY FLEES!

DIDDY KONG

Okay, now’s my chance to get away from Kong while he’s busy showing the audience a cool monster fight which-

KONG

(reappearing with fistfuls of lake monster meat)

NOT IF I JUST OFFSCREEN THAT MOFO, IDIOT

DIDDY cowers but KONG simply shares the MEAT with him.

DIDDY KONG

Oh hey! You’re not such a bad guy after all! You might even be, dare I say... a friend?

KONG

I was using you as a living flail like an hour ago, but sure, let’s go with that.

EXT. FRANCE

Meanwhile, GODZILLA is still ostensibly in this movie! Watcha up to, G-dog?

GODZILLA

I’m eating a nuclear power plant to get more radiation!

Sure, you do that.

EXT. UNDER-HOLLOW-EARTH JUNGLE

REBECCA, KAYLEE, DAN, BRIAN, and their ASSHOLE PILOT arrive in the SUB-SUBTERRANEAN WORLD.

ASSHOLE PILOT

So this is the general part of this kind of movie where somebody falls prey to the perils of this crazy environment. Do you suppose it will be one of the three returning characters, or the most fun human character this franchise has ever had, or some jerk with two minutes of screentime GEE I WONDER

(eaten by a tree)

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

(reacting comically)

AAAHHH!!!

REBECCA HALL

Shit, it seems this place is a Skull Island-style death trap! I wonder what other perils we’ll encounter on our way to oh look a safe human village where we’ll spend the rest of the movie.

KAYLEE HOTTLE

Holy shit, these guys are my tribe from Skull Island! Even though they’re not from the same continent or even layer of the planet, they’re the exact culture I was raised in, which is anthropologically nonsensical!

REBECCA HALL

Amazing! I’m so thrilled to find this new empire!

(pause)

I mean... unless something else is the “new empire”? I’m honestly not clear on what the title is referring to.

DAN STEVENS

Pretty sure we’re just trying to lure in confused Ghostbusters fans.

FALA CHEN

(stares)

KAYLEE HOTTLE

Oh, that’s the queen. She’s psychically saying that they’re the guys who sent that distress signal. And in addition to psychic powers and the ability to broadcast signals around the planet, they also have gravity-controlling tech. I guess if we’re gonna retcon these guys, might as well go crazy with it.

FALA CHEN

(stares)

KAYLEE HOTTLE

She also says that the leader of those apes is scheming to escape to the surface and take over the world. Apparently until the leader went evil and crazy, Kong’s race were the sworn protectors of humanity, existing in balance with the nature-protecting Godzilla, which is taking us further than ever from 1933’s “just a really really big gorilla” backstory.

FALA CHEN

(stares)

KAYLEE HOTTLE

So yeah, they sent the distress signal to try and summon Godzilla to stop the evil ape king. Also there’s like a prophecy that I’m supposed to make Mothra show up and help? We’re really piling on the random bits of plot junk here.

FALA CHEN

(stares)

KAYLEE HOTTLE

She adds that she hopes the audience isn’t having trouble connecting with a character who spends all her screentime standing around and staring silently at people with bug-eyes.

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

(reacting comically)

Daaamn.

INT. APE QUARRY

DIDDY brings KONG to a place where a bunch of JERK APES are forcing a bunch of SLAVE APES to move a bunch of ROCKS around for some purpose or other.

KONG

Wow, this scene really shows how a lack of buildings or humans can mess up your sense of scale in this movie. This just feels like a bunch of apes hanging out. It’s downright surreal to remember that every one of these guys is taller than the Statue of Liberty.

He tries to stop the JERK APES from being JERKS, which attracts the attention of the leader, CRANKY KONG.

CRANKY KONG

Hey! How dare you interrupt my busy schedule of lying inert on a throne like pre-Infinity War Thanos! Taste the wrath of my pet kaiju!

He unveils a giant ICE TYPE POKÉMON.

CRANKY KONG

And look, I have a magic crystal that remote-control tortures this specific kaiju so he'll do my bidding! Why the fuck does this thing exist? Did I make it? Did I find it on the ground somewhere? Why does it only work on this one kaiju and how did I figure out what it does? Let’s never find out, shall we!

He makes the POKÉMON shoot ICE at KONG’S RIGHT ARM, giving him FROSTBITE! DIDDY helps KONG flee the QUARRY.

EXT. UNDER THE SEA, UNDER THE SEA, WHERE YOU JUST MIGHT ENCOUNTER A TITAN, VIOLENTLY

Hey let’s check in on Godzilla!

GODZILLA

I’m killing a random sea monster to get even MORE radioactivity! This radioactivity is magenta-colored!

Yeah, okay! We’ll let you know when it’s time for you to join the actual story.

INT. IWI VILLAGE

KONG stumbles into the VILLAGE where the HUMAN CHARACTERS observe his FROSTBITTEN STATUS.

REBECCA HALL

Oh no! On the plus side, Dan, this finally provides you with an excuse to do some more kaiju vet stuff.

DAN STEVENS

Sure, I mean that’s what the audience wants from me, and that would be the only way to make the whole toothache scene not a complete waste of time. BUT. What if INSTEAD, we just used The Most Shamelessly Contrived Plot Device of All Time?

REBECCA HALL

Ooh, what’s The Most Shamelessly Contrived Plot Device of All Time?

DAN STEVENS

Well see, while we haven’t mentioned it until right now, there happens to already be lying around here in Hollow Earth a self-installing piece of prosthetic robot armor we made for Kong. SPECIFICALLY for his right arm. And it comes with auto-injecting anti-frostbite medicine.

REBECCA HALL

Holy shit, you honestly undersold how contrived that was gonna be.

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

(reacting comically)

WHAAAAAT?!

DAN flies their ship over to pick up the ROBOT ARM, then installs it on KONG. KONG then dashes over to the nearest GRAVITY PORTAL to return to the SURFACE.

REBECCA HALL

Aha, he must be going to lure Godzilla down here, to recruit him against Cranky Kong!

DAN STEVENS

“Lure” Godzilla? I thought Godzilla heard the distress call and was already getting geared up to come down and help? I thought that was the ENTIRE POINT of his little radiation-eating interludes?

REBECCA HALL

Okay yeah but we couldn’t really get away with going the entire movie without having Godzilla and Kong fight for a bit.

KAYLEE HOTTLE

Meanwhile I’ll go and summon Mothra by... sorta just willing her into existence? I don’t even know.

EXT. CAIRO

KONG emerges the PORTAL, and GODZILLA immediately detects his presence and comes and starts FIGHTING HIM! KONG is actually able to get the UPPER HAND for once since this time it’s HIS MOVIE, but then realistically the movie has to acknowledge that it’s FUCKING GODZILLA and KONG starts losing. But then MOTHRA shows up!

MOTHRA

Hey quit it, stop that.

GODZILLA

What? But it’s a Godzilla vs. Kong movie, aren’t we supposed to-

MOTHRA

Whoa, hey, no “vs.” thank you very much. If you’ll look more closely at the title, you’ll see this is a Godzilla X Kong movie.

GODZILLA

...the fuck does that mean?

MOTHRA

Nobody knows. Just get down there and start the climax, okay?

INT. IWI VILLAGE

CRANKY KONG brings his POKÉMON and his JERK APES to attack! KONG and GODZILLA and MOTHRA and DIDDY are there to fend them off! Also the HUMANS, for whatever THEY’RE WORTH.

KAYLEE HOTTLE

Actually, Dan did help by herding in some giant lightning bugs which will conveniently only harm the bad guys! Also the Iwi have a machine set up to turn gravity off at the optimal strategic moment.

Just as GODZILLA looks like he might be about to BITE THE POKÉMON’S HEAD OFF and KONG looks like he might be about to PUNCH CRANKY’S FACE IN and the HUMANS look like they might be about to FLY TO SAFETY, the GRAVITY MACHINE sends all the COMBATANTS flying away in RANDOM DIRECTIONS and makes the HUMAN SHIP start to CRASH.

KONG

(bouncing around like a pinball)

WHY THE FUCK DID THEY THINK THIS WOULD BE HELPFUL?!

Soon enough the GRAVITY is restored, then the FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY manages to wind up with GODZILLA, KONG, CRANKY, and the POKÉMON all flying out a PORTAL back up to the SURFACE.

EXT. FERIZAJ, KOSOVO - PFFT, JUST KIDDING! LIKE GODZILLA OR KONG WOULD FIGHT ANYBODY IN A NON-FAMOUS LOCATION. IT’S ACTUALLY, LET’S SAY, RIO DE JANEIRO

The PORTAL spits the in-progress MONSTER FIGHT out on a beach in RIO DE JANEIRO. CRANKY, delighted that he’s achieved his goal of reaching the SURFACE, starts POKÉMON-FREEZING RANDOM BUILDINGS!

CRANKY KONG

Bwa ha ha! These stationary buildings are a much more logical target for this thing’s freeze powers than the two giant monsters currently trying to kill m-

(Kong-punched)

KONG and GODZILLA and CRANKY and the POKÉMON throw and tackle each other all over the CITY, causing a bunch more FATALITIES that we’re expected to not THINK ABOUT.

KONG

Say Godzilla, shouldn’t you be able to end this fight in seconds? Your nuclear breath was already able to kill kaiju at the beginning of the movie. Surely all the powering up you’ve been doing all day has now made your blast so powerful it could instantly flash-fry both these guys?

GODZILLA

Actually after all that buildup my attack doesn’t seem to be even slightly more effective. What about that fancy robo-arm of yours?

KONG

Nope, my punching is not noticeably different than it used to be in any way.

GODZILLA

Huh. We sure have spent quite a bit of this movie doing bullshit that ultimately hasn’t meant anything, haven’t we?

Once the fight has gone on sufficiently long, DIDDY emerges from the PORTAL and manages to SMASH CRANKY’S MAGIC CRYSTAL. His TORTURED SLAVE MONSTER promptly TURNS ON HIM and FREEZES HIM!

KONG

Oh neat! And while a direct blast from that thing just gave me frostbite, Cranky’s the bad guy, so

(smashes Cranky into a million pieces like the T-1000)

Finally GODZILLA slinks away, and the HUMANS go home or something, and KONG takes DIDDY back to live in newfound harmony with the other APES.

KONG

After all this time I spent not fitting in anywhere, I’ve finally found a home where I can be happy! And yes that was my exact resolution at the end of the last movie, but this time it’ll stick, I swear.

(smiles)

(smile fades)

...Unless of course this movie is another surprisingly big hit and they wind up concocting yet ANOTHER movie-length set of half-baked excuses for me to punch monsters while yelling “RAAHHH”, but surely folks are tired of this shit by now...

THIS MOVIE

(kills it at the box office)

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

(reacting comically)

SHIIIIIT

END.