FADE IN:

INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM - CCTV FOOTAGE

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH and a HOODED FIGURE sit at a table while COMPUTER ANALYSIS POPUPS appear on the screen.

HOODED FIGURE

Holy shit, the very first shot of this scene had a readout saying "ANALYIS". It's fixed now, but my God a typo in the VERY FIRST FUCKING SHOT ARRGHH THAT MAKES ME SOOO ANNNGRYYYY

(stabs Jennifer in THE FUCKING EYE)

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Ow! Damn, guess I should have reacted to you sweeping your food off the table, then getting up, then climbing over the table at me. I was just REALLY into savouring this Eggs Benedict, y'know? Mmm, so good. But yeah, owww!!

(collapses)

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD

Overhead establishing shots lead to KATE MARA driving along in her MERCEDES.

VOICE ON PHONE

Thanks for accepting this assignment, Kate. We need you to evaluate the Project and see whether it should be TERMINATED. Which, if you go that route, would make you THE TERMINATOR, I guess.

KATE MARA

I guess it would. Especially if I turned out to be some kind of android or robot or something. Ha, ha ha. So tell me more about this program to create a tech-organic-hybrid assassin person.

VOICE ON PHONE

Well, these scientists have been working in isolation for years, doing nothing but obsessing on this goal. So it's sliiiiightly possible they may have lost a teeeensy weensy bit of their objectivity.

KATE MARA

I guess that is searingly inevitable. Why did you wait so long before exercising any kind of oversight-

VOICE ON PHONE

OH HEY NEW SEASON OF AMERICAN HORROR STORY IS ON, HAVE FUN BYE

(hangs up)

INT. GRAND OLD COUNTRY MANSION

KATE arrives and meets up with some members of the SCIENCE TEAM.

MICHAEL YARE

Greetings. I may seem nervous and jumpy, but that's because I'm the only black guy here, vastly increasing my odds of dying first. Not that anything bad will happen, because Morgan is super awesome!

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Yes, me and my lack of depth perception completely agree. Morgan was simply trying to get a piece of sleep out of my eye, how was she supposed to know a knife wasn't the right tool? She's just so thoughtful.

ROSE LESLIE

Hello Kate! As the behavioural psychologist on staff, I have the most clinical and objective view of lovely perfect amazing wonderful perfect Morgan who's like the daughter, er, test subject I never had.

(weaves 10,000 friendship bracelets)

BOYD HOLBROOK

I'm the chef, and resident Affable White Dude! I'll flirt with you a bit and then basically vanish until you need an extra guy with a gun and a car. Also, Morgan is totes kewl, just the best.

KATE MARA

Hm. At this point I'm guessing Morgan has psychic brainwashing powers. Or can she think people into the cornfield? The way you all droolingly worship her you'd think she was some kind of, I dunno, phased plasma rifle with 40-watt range.

INT. UNDERGROUND LAB

KATE is shown the SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB and introduced to MORE SCIENTISTS, specifically CHRIS SULLIVAN and TOBY JONES, who sits her down at the EXPLANABOT-2000.

TOBY JONES

As this stunningly unremarkable animation shows, we created Morgan by using nanobots to stimulate and enhance cell growth. This has allowed her to grow from a baby to a 20-year-old in just five years. We are really hoping we can switch that part off so she doesn't age out of being a living weapon by 2021.

CHRIS SULLIVAN

Also she's learning emotions and bonding with us and shit, surely the best thing to keep us all focussed on reaching our develop-a-living-weapon goal.

TOBY JONES

Behind that clear plastic wall is Morgan's sealed living quarters! And over there is a shelf of board games including Monopoly, Life, and late-1990s Trivial Pursuit, because we suck ass at choosing games.

KATE MARA

Excellent, now I'd like to meet--

CHRIS SULLIVAN

YEP, we spared no expense with our hi-tech, cutting-edge, super-advanced laboratory, and then we cheaped RIGHT THE FUCK OUT and raided some asshole's cottage yard sale for the game selection.

KATE MARA

That's fascinating, but--

TOBY JONES

NO NO WAIT WE HAVE NOT EXPOUNDED ON THIS PARTICULAR POINT QUITE ENOUGH. It's true that any game can help teach socialization, empathy, and so on, but since we're creating an ASSASSIN don't you think we might want to put some strategy and tactics in there too?? Maybe not leap straight to Civilization or Terra Mystica but my God is it too much to ask for 7 Wonders, Dominion, some Reiner Knizia? Fucking Settlers of Catan?!? Maybe Galaxy Trucker or Alien Frontiers if you want to keep the SF theme, or Lords of Waterdeep or X-Wing Miniatures if you want some product placement, or-

(smacked in face)

KATE MARA

ENOUGH. On with the script now. Hello, Morgan?

Inside the room, the HOODED FIGURE stands up dramatically... and it's ANYA TAYLOR-JOY! She walks to the GLASS and lines up her HEAD with the REFLECTION of KATE MARA'S HEAD almost as if there's some sort of CONNECTION between them, or maybe they have SOMETHING IN COMMON!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Hi. I'm Morgan. Check out my silvery skin and hair! Pretty cool huh? Guess it comes with being part tech.

KATE MARA

I suppose it is unavoidable. Click, whirr. Yep, no way around that!

INT. DINING ROOM

The group meets for DINNER, and we get to meet EVEN MORE SCIENTISTS, namely VINETTE ROBINSON and MICHELLE YEOH!

MICHELLE YEOH

So Kate, I hope you've had time to appreciate how wonderful and special and precious Anya is and how it would be silly to terminate her over little things like stabbing people and being psychotic and stuff.

VINETTE ROBINSON

It's funny, this whole scenario of you travelling to a remote forest location to assess a female A.I. humanoid is a lot like Ex Machina. Hey, remember that scene where Domnhall thinks maybe HE'S a robot, but of course he isn't because that would be the obvious twist-

KATE MARA

HA HA HA HA YES WHAT A SILLY SCENE LET US NOT DISCUSS IT FURTHER. Now, could someone please pass the motor--I mean, olive oil.

INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY - LATER THAT NIGHT

ROSE LESLIE

Anya listen, tomorrow is the big psych evaluation test. Just relax and be yourself! Think about that time we went to the forest and found a dying deer and you killed it with your bare hands and maybe not that.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Ah yes, I recall that day... big creepy trees, ominous animals, the stench of death... it was all strangely familiar, somehovv.

INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY -- THE NEXT MORNING

Psych evaluator PAUL GIAMATTI arrives to do the PSYCH EVALUATION and basically be all PAUL GIAMATTI about it.

TOBY JONES

I should warn you, she's been displaying precog abilities. By which I mean, she knows stuff that's already true and has already happened. And she never predicts the future. So really more just a "cog" I guess. But the CRUCIAL part is, this never has any bearing on anything.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Right then, I'm going into her room to question her.

MICHELLE YEOH

You can't! It's too dangerous, she would kill you at the slightest provocation!

PAUL GIAMATTI

(actual line)

If you're afraid to let me in there with her, then I'd say she's already failed the psych eval.

(pause)

INT. DELETED SCENE

TOBY JONES

Wow, good point Paul. You're right, she failed, project terminated, movie over! Guess we'll pack everything up and leave.

PAUL leaves and ANYA is terminated and the movie ENDS.

INT. THE ACTUAL SCENE

Instead, everyone decides to CARRY ON with the movie even though it should be OVER. PAUL goes into ANYA'S ROOM to begin the evaluation.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Anya, you know I'm here because of how you went all eye-stabby with Jennifer.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

I do.

PAUL GIAMATTI

And now I need to determine if even a mild stimulus would send you flying into a murderous rage, killing the nearest available target, which would be myself.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Understood. I also understand that my very life hinges on my ability to show self-control.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Good. So to begin, what would you do if I said YOU SUCK YOU STUPID FUCKING ROBOT WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU FUCKING DEAD RIGHT THE FUCK NOW EAT MY SHIT YOU STUPID TOASTER-ASS FUCK WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

I'd say FUCK YOU YOU FAT FUCKING FUCK

(rips Paul's throat out with her teeth)

PAUL GIAMATTI

(gushing blood)

I think we both handled that well.

(dies)

ANYA uses her BUILT-IN WIFI POWERS to cut the LIGHTS and RUN OUT! However KATE picks up a TRANQUILIZER GUN and does her best ROBERT PATRICK WALK to follow her.

KATE MARA

Wow, despite you madly fleeing and me cautiously walking, I reached the outside door mere seconds after you did!

(shoots Anya)

There, she's tranquilized. Obviously I've decided we should kill her, so I could have just shot her with my actual gun that I'm packing. But we can use chemical injections I suppose. But let's wait for her to wake up and plead with us first BLERP WHEEP LOGIC CIRCUITS OVERHEATING

INT. LABORATORY - A WHILE LATER

Everyone patiently waits for ANYA to wake up before MURDERING her, which she finally DOES.

CHRIS SULLIVAN

Fuck you Kate! I refuse to kill her! I sure hope Anya remembers my loyalty, about five minutes from now.

KATE MARA

Fine, I'll do it. Hey, Rose tranqued me! Is that even how you spell "tranqued"? Hurrrrrr

(passes out)

INT. LABORATORY - ANOTHER WHILE LATER

KATE wakes up stuck inside ANYA'S ROOM while the scientists are frantically packing up binders and printouts and shit.

KATE MARA

What, have you guys never heard of cloud storage?

CHRIS SULLIVAN

Anya! Come with us if you want to live!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Fuck that! And fuck you for refusing to kill me earlier!

(kills Chris)

Oh and fuck you too!

(kills Michael Yare)

MICHAEL YARE

Hurray, I made it to second guy dead!

(dies)

ANYA rushes out! But KATE notices a SKYLIGHT and climbs up and SMASHES through it, meaning there was a pretty fucking obvious escape route for ANYA all along, so way to design your containment unit, idiots.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY MANOR

ANYA kills VINETTE and stuffs ROSE into a car, then goes inside to kill MICHELLE.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Good God but there's a shit-ton of secondary characters to murder. Toby, would you mind killing yourself offscreen just to save some time?

TOBY JONES

Sure! I've accepted that I suck too hard at futuristic science to live anyway.

(hangs self off a wayward pine)

Just then KATE rushes up!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Hey, I'm back in the movie! Do you need that gun and car now?

KATE MARA

Get them ready! But first I want to try fighting her without backup or better gear, just for shits and giggles.

ANYA and KATE punch each other around the MANSION for a bit and then throw each other out the WINDOW!

KATE MARA

She's driving off! My stylish and performance-driven Mercedes will catch her though!

KATE chases ANYA as her SURPRISINGLY AFFORDABLE MERCEDES displays its SUPERIOR HANDLING and BREATHTAKING ACCELERATION, but her FORWARD COLLISION WARNING SYSTEM does not help her avoid driving straight into a TREE. BOYD drives up, gets her, and they follow ANYA to a LAKE.

EXT. LUSH FOREST CLOSE TO SCENIC LAKE AND HEY IS THERE A DRILLED WELL AND INTERNET ACCESS HERE, BECAUSE THIS PROPERTY HAS SOME DEVELOPMENT POTENTIAL I THINK

KATE MARA

(muttering to self)

I've got you now Anya. Me and this rifle will take you down. HAHA THERE YOU ARE wait that's a deer. Easy mistake, I mean, have you SEEN those doe eyes of hers? Hm. Fuck this, gonna shoot straight up in the air and give away my position, and advantage of surprise.

(does so)

ANYA just kind of SHOWS UP and they FIGHT more! KATE gets impaled by a BRANCH!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Wow, just like that deer I killed.

(to camera)

Recurring imagery: catch the fever!

(winks)

Right, let's check out that lake, see what the water access is like. Hm, we came from the north, which means the dock has western exposure, nice...

KATE MARA

A-ha, I'm NOT dead and I've snuck up behind you, on this creaky old wooden dock, somehow!

KATE knocks ANYA into the LAKE and DROWNS HER! Then she kills ROSE and BOYD too!

KATE MARA

It's a shame I had to terminate... a FELLOW MECH-HYBRID BIOWEAPON WHAAAAAT?!? But it's not a total loss. Look, she taught me this trick where I turn my hands upside down. And then right-side up again. Pretty keen right? I mean, have you ever REAALLY looked at your hands? It's, like, woah.

INT. SINISTER OFFICE BUILDING

The VOICE ON THE PHONE from the beginning is revealed to be none other than... BRIAN COX and my goodness, we've had a lot of familiar faces guiding us through this merry little tale.

BRIAN COX

(on phone)

It's settled, we'll discontinue the Taylor-Joy program and keep using Treadstone, I mean, Kate Mara. What? No no, don't bring back Treadstone, stick with Blackbriar. Also keep The Daily Show but cancel The Nightly Show. Hm? What do you mean Android or iOs, WHY IS IT MY JOB TO MAKE ALL THESE FUCKING DECISIONS

END