FADE IN:

EXT. CHAPTER 1: A FISTFUL OF CREDITS

PEDRO PASCAL arrives at a CANTINA and captures blue fish alien HORATIO SANZ.

PEDRO PASCAL

Howdy! I’m a gunslinging, nameless bounty hunter accompanied by his own flute leitmotif. My helmet even makes it look like I’m squinting all the time!

HORATIO FISHMANZ

Wonder where they got that idea?

PEDRO mercifully puts HORATIO into carbon freeze before we have to watch him use a SPACE URINAL. CARL WEATHERS meets PEDRO in ANOTHER CANTINA (this is Star Wars, after all) and pays him in TIDE PODS.

PEDRO PASCAL

(mucho macho flex handshake)

What’s the matter? The ISB got you pushing too many pencils?

CARL WEATHERS

Easy, Stallion! Now say "Guten Tag" to your next client.

WERNER HERZOG

(emerging from the shadows)

Doctor Omid Abtahi and I require you to bring us an unspoiled baby, and I can pay handsomely with new Mandalorian armor. Just don’t look too closely at the Imperial logos everywhere, or all of my Stormtroopers.

(doesn’t blink)

OMID ABTAHI

R-right! I promise we only need the baby for totally normal Science Reasons.

PEDRO PASCAL

Hmm, this does seem a tad bit fishy but whee new armor! I’m in.

WERNER HERZOG

And I’m off to make a documentary about nihilistic porgs, or perhaps one man’s obsessive quest to haul a Star Destroyer over a mountain. Auf Wiedersehen!

PEDRO meets EMILY SWALLOW in the MANDALORIAN UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, which would be a lot more secret if it weren’t for the GIANT MANDALORIAN EMBLEM above the door.

EMILY SWALLOW

Huh, just noticed that skull looks kinda like the aliens from John Carter -- if anyone even remembers that movie.

Thankfully, they DON’T. EMILY makes PEDRO some new armor with a FLASHBACK FORGE that triggers his traumatic memories of growing up in THE PREQUELS.

PEDRO PASCAL

Ah, so that’s why I don’t like CGI droids. Guess it was either that or hating sand.

EMILY SWALLOW

Lucky for you, since your next destination is a coarse, rough, and irritating sand planet.

An EXERCISE BALL with TEETH -- okay fine, a BLURRG -- immediately attacks PEDRO but Ugnaught NICK NOLTE comes to the rescue.

NICK UGNOLTE

I shall teach you to ride a blurrg. It’s the only way to reach your quarry.

PEDRO PASCAL

Why can’t I just fly the rest of the way?

DAVE FILONI

We’ve got to keep the space western thing going, so...

(waving hand)

Blurrgs will do fine.

(tips cowboy hat)

PEDRO blurrgs his way to the GANG HIDEOUT, but bounty hunter droid TAIKA WAITITI is already there.

PEDRO PASCAL

I am kind of a droidist, but seeing as there are a lot of angry mercenaries out there, I’ll set aside my space racism for now.

T41KA WAITIT1

Gee, thanks!

PEDRO and T41KA blast their way through the BAD GUYS, despite T41KA’S repeated attempts to BLOW HIMSELF UP.

PEDRO PASCAL

Hmm, looks like our quarry is right behind that door. We’d better be extra careful shoot through it with a giant cannon.

This somehow works, and they discover the cutest middle-aged child since CHANNING TATUM in 21 Jump Street: BABY YODA.

T41KA WAITIT1

Success! And we even made it to the end of the episode without packing this to the gooberfish gills with Skywalkers and spin-off bait.

PEDRO PASCAL

I’m sure that will continue in the next season.

T41KA WAITIT1

And I’m sure you won’t get typecast as the laconic guardian of a precocious youngster with magic blood! Which reminds me, let’s shoot this thing in the face.

(shot in own face)

BABY YODA

(coos)

EXT. CHAPTER TWO: FOR A FEW CREDITS MORE

PEDRO and BABY YODA walk through THE VOLUME -- er, okay, THE DESERT -- to find JAWAS have stripped his ship and put it up on cinderblocks!

PEDRO PASCAL

You better not have stolen my space CDs -- I was halfway through Figrin D’an’s cover of “Yub Nub!”

PEDRO DISINTEGRATES several JAWAS and scales their SANDCRAWLER.

JAWAS

Utinni, dipshit.

(tase PEDRO)

PEDRO PASCAL

I guess it’s canon now that one of the galaxy's deadliest warriors got his ass kicked by the Star Wars equivalent of fucking Minions.

PEDRO walks, trudges, strolls, and ambles his way back to NICK UGNOLTE’S FARM.

PEDRO PASCAL

Hey, that 34-minute runtime ain’t gonna pad itself!

NICK UGNOLTE

I will help you recover your parts. But may I suggest not immediately killing anyone this time? I’m worried about the message it might send to your kid there.

BABY YODA

(goes goblin mode on a raw frog)

PEDRO PASCAL

Hey, weapons are part of the religion where I’m from.

NICK UGNOLTE

...Texas?

NICK gives PEDRO a ride to the JAWA CAMP on a BLURRG SLED that’s even slower than all the walking. PEDRO promptly starts ROASTING JAWAS.

NICK UGNOLTE

You call this a diplomatic solution?

PEDRO PASCAL

No, I call it aggressive negotiations!

PEDRO strikes a deal to fight a WOOLLY SPACE RHINO for a GIANT SCOTCH EGG.

WOOLLY SPACE RHINO

RAWR TRAMPLE TRAMPLE RAWR

PEDRO gets his ass thoroughly handed to him AGAIN until BABY YODA intervenes with THE FORCE!

WOOLLY SPACE RHINO

(levitating)

WHEE

PEDRO PASCAL

Well, my blasters and flamethrower didn’t do a thing, but surely this piddly widdle knife will make a difference!

(immediately kills RHINO)

PEDRO fixes up his ship with NICK while BABY YODA takes a NAP, much like the AUDIENCE.

INT. CHAPTER THREE: THE GOOD, THE DAD, AND THE UGLY

PEDRO delivers his BABY YODA PUPPET™ (Buy yours today -- now with authentic felt robe! Batteries not included.) to WERNER and OMID.

PEDRO PASCAL

You guys tooootally sure this is cool?

OMID ABTAHI

Of course! That’s why we’re meeting you in a seedy back alley for our black market baby deal.

(opens trench coat of contraband)

Psst, buddy, wanna buy some power converters?

WERNER HERZOG

(salivating)

We’re not going to hurt the kid, pinky swear!

PEDRO PASCAL

Well that’s a load off my mind.

PEDRO skips off to see EMILY, who makes him SHINY NEW ARMOR.

THICC MANDALORIAN

But that beskar has Imperial markings!

EMILY SWALLOW

As long as Pedro has never taken his helmet off, it’s totally kosher for him to accept blood money from the people who bombed our homeworld and drove us into hiding. Them’s the rules!

PEDRO meets CARL back at (you guessed it!) the cantina.

CARL WEATHERS

Great work again! Make sure you get a good look at me tucking this beskar in my vest riiight here. No reason.

(nervous chuckle)

Now, why don’t you relax with a trip to a twi’lek brothel planet or get whacked out on death sticks to forget any moral ambiguity about the last job?

PEDRO PASCAL

What do you think this is, Andor?

(has crisis of conscience)

PEDRO storms back into WERNER’S LAIR.

PEDRO PASCAL

(mowing down STORMTROOPERS)

Don’t worry, kid -- I’ll save you from whatever vague plans Werner had for you to make Snoke clones or develop a cure for a parasitic fungus!

WERNER HERZOG

You haven’t seen the LAST of US!

(mugs)

(disappears with a cape flourish)

PEDRO PASCAL

It’s okay, Baby Yoda. I got you.

Unfortunately, all the rival BOUNTY HUNTERS have enabled push notifications and get CARL’S new open contract. The WHOLE PLANET comes after PEDRO!

JOHN WICK

Sucks, right?

PEDRO PASCAL

If only I could make it to the neutral ground of the Cantina-nental!

PEDRO attempts to flee via UBER DROID, but CARL blows its head off.

UBER DROID

(fizzing)

One...star!

CARL WEATHERS

Just give up the kid, Pedro. You can still take home the rest of the beskar, throw it in a pot, add some blue milk, a potato -- baby, you’ve got a stew going!

PEDRO PASCAL

Tempting...after all, it’s not like there’s an entire army of legendary warriors just waiting to pop out of the shadows to help me.

EMILY SWALLOW

You rang?

The other MANDALORIANS attack!

THICC MANDALORIAN

Pew pew!

PEDRO shoots CARL right in CHEKHOV’S BESKAR and escapes with BABY YODA!

EXT. CHAPTER 4: THE TWO AMIGOS

Our DYNAMIC DUO lies low on a FOREST PLANET. BABY YODA almost gets eaten by a Studio Ghibli CAT MONSTER but then kicks back with some BONE BROTH.

BABY YODA

(merry slurping)

PEDRO PASCAL

Easy, kid -- save some for Gwyneth.

Suddenly, ex-rebel shocktrooper GINA CARANO attacks PEDRO!

GINA CARANO

This planet ain’t big enough for the two of us, and I was hiding here first.

(pause)

No, really, we’re acting like an entire planet is the size of a closet.

PEDRO PASCAL

Sounds reasonable!

But before PEDRO can leave, farmers ASIF ALI and EUGENE CORDERO approach him with a SIDE QUEST.

ASIF ALI

Our peaceful village keeps getting attacked by bandits -- care to fight them off for us?

PEDRO PASCAL

No can do, gotta keep my kiddo here safe.

EUGENE CORDERO

But the village is in the middle of nowhere! If you’re looking to lie low, no one will find you there.

PEDRO PASCAL

...except for the bandits that keep blowing it up. Surely there’s no way I’d be stupid enough to bring him to the one place I know is going to be attacked!

(thinks)

I’m IN!

BABY YODA

:(

PEDRO PASCAL

Gina, want to help?

GINA CARANO

I tried to kill you five minutes ago.

PEDRO PASCAL

True, but at least you can fight.

GINA CARANO

(shrugs)

Hey, I wasn’t cast for my acting -- it’s more wooden than this planet.

PEDRO and GINA arrive at the VILLAGE, where they stay with JULIA JONES.

JULIA JONES

Since my dead husband died, we have plenty of room. Because my husband is dead.

(bats eyes)

Did I mention I’m single?

(makes kissy face)

PEDRO PASCAL

Sorry, Julia, but my face covering mandate-lorian doesn’t let me take my helmet off in front of other people.

GINA CARANO

But...but...that’s as bad as being a Jedi hunted down by the Empire! Go Snoke, go broke!

JULIA’S daughter ISLA FARRIS frolics with BABY YODA, making everyone in the audience VERY JEALOUS. PEDRO takes his helmet off and watches from TEN FEET AWAY standing in a HUGE WINDOW, which NO ONE NOTICES.

EUGENE CORDERO

So Pedro, now that you’re here, we kinda sorta forgot to mention that the bandits also have one of the chicken walkers from Return of the Jedi.

PEDRO PASCAL

(does spotchka spit take)

ASIF ALI

But Ewoks took those out so no biggie, right?

PEDRO PASCAL

There’s no way two professional badasses can fight as well as a bunch of sentient teddy bears! I’m outta here.

JULIA JONES

But you can train the villagers to help! And I already know how to handle a gaffi stick, if ya know what I mean.

PEDRO and GINA train the VILLAGERS with a double feature of Seven Samurai and The Magnificent Seven, wrapping up just as the DOG-FACED BANDITS ATTACK with their CHICKEN WALKER!

PEDRO PASCAL

Blast, the walker stopped right in front of the giant pit trap we dug! Quick, everyone fall back so it keeps coming and --

GINA CARANO

OR I COULD CHAAARGE!

She DOES, which somehow gets the CHICKEN WALKER to fall into the hole. PEDRO then GRENADES IT TO DEATH.

PEDRO PASCAL

Yub nub, bitch.

JULIA JONES

You could stay, you know. It’s been half an hour and we already have better chemistry than Reylo did after three movies.

ISLA FARRIS

Or at least leave Baby Yoda here -- we’ll give him love and bottomless bowls of bone broth!

Another BOUNTY HUNTER attacks, but GINA blasts him from behind and -- okay, not like THAT, get your mind out of the gutter!

PEDRO PASCAL

We’d best be moving on, kid. I guess not everyone in the galaxy stans a short king.

PEDRO reluctantly rides off with BABY YODA.

ISLA FARRIS

Why is he running, mom?

JULIA JONES

Because they have to chase him.

ISLA FARRIS

He didn’t do anything wrong.

JULIA JONES

Because he’s the hero our village deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, they’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Batmandalorian.

EXT. CHAPTER 5: ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE OUTER RIM

PEDRO blows up yet another BOUNTY HUNTER in front of his CHILD, but makes it all okay with a BADASS ONE-LINER. Therapy schmerapy!

PEDRO PASCAL

They damaged the ship though; guess we have to land on...

(sighs)

...it’s Tatooine, isn’t it?

It IS. It’s ALWAYS Tatooine.

PEDRO PASCAL

Can we skip ahead to the planet ruled by Queen Lizzo?

(checks Space Twitter)

(okay fine, SpaceX)

Actually hmmm, maybe that’s not such a hot idea after all.

PEDRO lands in AMY SEDARIS’S chop shop and immediately begins SHOOTING at her PIT DROIDS.

AMY SEDARIS

Fuck off, you droidist ass! Allow me to fix your ship and babysit for you, my good sir!

PEDRO cracks a window and leaves BABY YODA behind while he meets rookie bounty hunter JAKE CANNAVALE doing his best HAN SOLO COSPLAY.

JAKE CANNAVALE

I’m going after Ming-Na Wen but she’s one of the deadliest assassins in the galaxy, so maybe we could team up? It’ll bring honor and credits to us all!

PEDRO PASCAL

You’re unsuited for the rage of war, so pack up, go home, you’re through. How could I make a Mandalorian out of you?

JAKE CANNAVALE

You can keep all the money! And I pinky promise I won’t backstab you!

PEDRO PASCAL

Good enough for me!

They set off across the desert. PEDRO uses SIGN LANGUAGE to parlay with TUSKEN RAIDERS, led by --

PEDRO PASCAL

(checks credits)

Holy crow, Oscar winner Troy Kotsur?

JAKE CANNAVALE

Who’ll turn up next, Mark Hamill as the voice of the cantina bartender droid?!

They continue until they find a DEAD BOUNTY HUNTER riddled with blaster holes.

PEDRO PASCAL

(scanning horizon)

Who is that girl I see, shooting back, straight at me?

(sets off flares)

MING-NA WEN

How ‘bout a girl who’s got good aim, but now she’s gone night-blind?!

PEDRO and JAKE capture MING-NA.

PEDRO PASCAL

She blew up my speeder, so just sit tight while I look for another ride.

JAKE CANNAVALE

My manly ways and turn of phrase are sure to thrill her! But turns out I’m literally a ladykiller.

MING-NA WEN

Wait! Pedro is worth more than me, so just take off these cuffs and give me back my blaster and -- ah, who am I kidding, even you aren’t that dumb.

(blasted to death)

(well, at least for another couple episodes)

JAKE takes AMY and BABY YODA hostage!

PEDRO PASCAL

Thanks to BLIND luck I’ve had a FLASH of inspiration on how to resolve this with some FLAIR, har har!

(shoots flare)

(shoots JAKE)

Back in the desert, SOMEONE MYSTERIOUS approaches MING-NA.

TROY KOTSUR

Ooh, what an intriguing...coda!

INT. CHAPTER 6 - ESCAPE FROM ALDERAAN-CATRAZ

PEDRO visits MARK BOONE JR. in his FLOATING GARAGE.

PEDRO PASCAL.

We once did crime together. I would like to do more crime, please.

MARK BOONE JR.

It just so happens I’m putting a team together to break someone out of jail in yet another sidequest, so you’re hired. You’ll be working with some Tatooine bikers on space Vespas: the Twin Suns of Anarchy!

PEDRO PASCAL

...

MARK BOONE JR.

Fine, then how about:

BILL BURR

I’m an ex-stormtroopah from the planet Boston, ya fuckin’ chowdahead!

NATALIA TENA

‘Ello! I’m a stabby sexpot alien who totally used to polish Pedro’s helmet if ya catch my drift, hehehe.

(vamps)

CLANCY BROWN

DESPITE LAST NAME I ACTUALLY RED DEMON ALIEN RAWR

RICH4RD AY0AD3

Beep boop, I’m a butler droid turned mercenary. But wAcKy!

PEDRO, BILL, CLANCY, and NATALIA infiltrate a PRISON SHIP and sneak past PRISONERS from the Spirit Halloween bargain bin until they encounter human guard MATT LANTER.

MATT LANTER

Back off! I’ve got a homing beacon and I’m not afraid to use it! Plus I voiced Anakin in The Clone Wars which everybody loves, right? Give a guy a break.

NATALIA TENA

From my point of view, The Clone Wars are evil!

(impales MATT)

Heh, just like Pedro used to impale me with his --

BILL BURR

Can it, lady! He pressed the clickah so we gotta hurry before the Staties get here!

PEDRO and the gang find their target: NATALIA’S brother, ISMAEL CRUZ CORDOVA.

ISMAEL CRUZ CORDOVA

You left me to die on our last mission, Pedro! Now I shall have my revenge by having my crew immediately kill you locking you in this cell with giant holes in the wall. That oughta do it!

PEDRO promptly escapes by ripping off a SENTRY DROID’S ARM, continuing to make PROSTHETIC LIMBS the most reliable investment in the galaxy.

PEDRO PASCAL

Thanks for the helping hand.

(does rimshot)

ISMAEL CRUZ CORDOVA

Bill, now that we’ve betrayed Pedro, I’ll pay you triple to go back and betray Natalia and Clancy too. But don’t worry, I’d never betray you!

BILL BURR

Wicked pissah!

(bangs a uey)

CLANCY and PEDRO take a death stick break while their STUNT DOUBLES throw each other around for a while.

CLANCY BROWN

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

(crushed by door)

OW

NATALIA TENA

You’re not out of this yet, Pedro -- you must defeat me in a knife fight! Good thing I’m wearing a leather headband, while you only have impenetrable body armor.

Elsewhere in the ship, BILL mows down SENTRY DROIDS.

BILL BURR

Get some, ya cawksuckahs!

(sigh)

Pedro’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?

Meanwhile, RICH4RD stumbles across an EXPOSITION HOLOGRAM of CARL.

CARL WEATHERS

So, remember that incredibly valuable baby you have on your ship, with the big bounty for anyone who kills him? Remember that?!

RICH4RD AY0AD3

Baby Murder Mode engaged! Suck it, Asimov!

BABY YODA

(jazz hands)

RICH4RD AY0AD3

(exploding)

Damn, so I guess every new Star Wars is gonna invent something else the Force can do?

PEDRO PASCAL

Don’t worry, nerds, I just shot him.

After locking up the rest of the gang, PEDRO delivers ISMAEL back to MARK.

ISMAEL CRUZ CORDOVA

Mark I just had the best idea -- what if we betray Pedro AGAIN?!

MARK BOONE JR.

Holy moly you’re a genius, he’ll never see it coming!

But PEDRO has indeed seen it coming, because he is not five years old, and uses the homing beacon to summon an X-WING CAMEO SQUADRON.

DAVE FILONI

Hmm, the signal is coming from somewhere in that space station.

RICK FAMUYIWA

We should probably take a closer look to be sure --

DEBORAH CHOW

(blazing away)

Lol fuck that! Die! DIIIIEEE!

INT. CHAPTER 7 - THE MANDALORIAN WITH NO NAME

CARL continues his expositional hologram hot streak and calls PEDRO.

CARL WEATHERS

Werner has imposed martial law with his stormtroopers! He still wears his giant Imperial bling so we probably should have seen that coming, but whatever, hindsight’s 20/20. Help me kill him and I’ll clear your name with the High Table -- er, Bounty Hunters’ Guild!

PEDRO gets the band back together.

GINA CARANO

I’d love to help, but I’m busy lying low doing the whole “Rambo-Jason Bourne-badass-in-hiding-pit-fighting” thing.

PEDRO PASCAL

As long as you’re beating people up, why not an octogenarian space Nazi?

GINA CARANO

I’m in! Where are we going, Mos Argentina?

After BABY YODA tries Tokyo drifting with the ship, PEDRO realizes they need a babysitter and recruits NICK -- but what’s this?! T41KA WAITIT1 is now his pal!

NICK UGNOLTE

Don’t worry, I de-programmed the murder out of him.

T41KA WAITIT1

It’s true, now I only want to protect the child! We had a wholesome training montage and everything.

PEDRO PASCAL

Fiiiine, you can come too.

NICK pimps out BABY YODA’S pram into a blaster-proof Kinder egg for the meeting with CARL.

CARL WEATHERS

Welcome! Ignore the inhospitable lava flats, giant death birds, and my extra hired guns -- I assure you I want nothing but the best for the little tyke.

T41KA stays with the ship while the rest of the gang heads back to town -- but the GIANT DEATH BIRDS attack and rip up CARL’S arm!

BABY YODA

(does the magic hand thing)

CARL WEATHERS

(healed)

Alright, you got me -- I totally was going to sell you out but you’re just too darn cute. We can still kill Werner if we do the whole “pretend you’re my prisoner” shtick.

PEDRO PASCAL

Hey, if it ain’t broke! Also Gina, you should probably cover up your Rebel Alliance arm tat.

GINA CARANO

What about the one on my face?

PEDRO PASCAL

Whoa now, let’s not overdo it!

NICK takes the kid back to the ship while the others STAGE WHISPER about their plan and hand each other BLASTERS three feet away from all the STORMTROOPERS.

STORMTROOPER

I can’t see a thing in this helmet!

WERNER HERZOG

Salutations, weary travelers. I will of course take your word for it that the pram you brought is not as empty as the chaotic void within all of our souls. Now, allow me to monologue about the benefits of fascism, which with this accent is not the least bit on the nose.

But more STORMTROOPERS show up and open fire!

WERNER HERZOG

So NOW you hit what you’re aiming at!

(dies)

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO arrives in a TIE fighter.

PEDRO PASCAL

Oh no! The Big Bad we haven’t been hinting at this whole time!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

You endanger your child despite trying to protect him. I actively hunt babies. We are not the same.

SCOUT TROOPERS JASON SUDEIKIS and ADAM PALLY kidnap BABY YODA and kill NICK.

NICK UGNOLTE

All the more shocking because I actually stay dead!

EXT. CHAPTER 8 - BREAKING DAD

JASON and ADAM immediately undermine the poignancy of NICK’S DEATH by doing a TROOPERS skit.

JASON SUDEIKIS

So, should we bring the little guy in for Biscuits with the Boss?

ADAM PALLY

Nah, Giancarlo’s still busy murdering more of his own men to show how badass he is.

JASON casually PUNCHES BABY YODA, which immediately makes him the evilest Star Wars villain since the EMPEROR.

T41KA WAITIT1

Youngling Protective Services -- hand over the child!

JASON SUDEIKIS

To you?! But you’re a murder droid, not a babysitter! Hey Adam, look at the stupid murder droid! Poke it! Why aren’t you poking AAAUUUURRGGGHH!

(snapped in half)

T41KA WAITIT1

(strapping on BabyYodaBjörn)

Since I’m programmed to keep you safe, I’d better return to Pedro’s ship and get you out of here. Or even better, charge into a warzone!

PEDRO PASCAL

I like your thinking! Maybe droids aren’t so bad after all.

A BIG BATTLE ensues in which GIANCARLO shoots PEDRO into a COMA.

PEDRO PASCAL

Omigaah, whah am ah? Am ah daaaahd?

T41KA WAITIT1

I can save you, but you have to take off your helmet.

PEDRO PASCAL

Stahp ihh, silly -- less puh a pin in thahh!

CARL WEATHERS

Since he’s a droid, you won’t technically be violating your...creed!

(winks)

T41KA WAITIT1

Thank the maker for loopholes.

PEDRO PASCAL

This is thaah waaahh!

They escape into the tunnels, where EMILY is still busy selling reclaimed beskar jewelry on Etsy.

EMILY SWALLOW

Based on your browsing history, I recommend this jetpack.

PEDRO PASCAL

(adds to cart)

EMILY SWALLOW

Now go -- you must search the uncanny valleys of the galaxy to reunite the child with his own kind, preferably one that’s been de-aged and deepfaked into a dead-eyed husk.

MORE STORMTROOPERS show up but conveniently forget that blasters work from a distance so EMILY can take them all out with her HAMMER. Everyone else gets on a LAVA BOAT.

T41KA WAITIT1

Scans indicate more troopers ahead. It is hopeless and I must blow myself up.

PEDRO PASCAL

But you just killed eighty three of them a minute ago --

T41KA WAITIT1

IT IS HOPELESS, I SAY! Hasta la vista, Baby Yoda. I know now why you cry, but it’s something I can never do.

T41KA lowers himself into the MOLTEN LAVA and prepares to EXPLODE.

STORMTROOPER

We should probably move, right?

(doesn’t move)

Yeah, we should move. Like it’s obvious what he’s doing, there’s a bomb right there on his chest.

(still doesn’t move)

Tra la la.

KABOOM! T41KA takes out the STORMTROOPERS, but GIANCARLO attacks in his TIE fighter!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

That’s right, the Chicken Man learned how to fly!

GINA CARANO

Damn, how do we stop him? I’m all out of exploding wheelchairs.

PEDRO PASCAL

Regular explosives it is!

PEDRO jetpacks onto GIANCARLO’S TIE fighter and BLOWS IT RIGHT THE FUCK UP.

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

(crashes offscreen)

CARL WEATHERS

(hearty laugh)

Well he’s definitely, positively dead! No reason to double check.

JAWAS swarm over GIANCARLO’S crashed fighter only to find that he’s -- GASP -- not dead!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Somehow, I returned! And I have the...

(checks Wookieepedia)

Darksaber! Which I guess is significant if you’ve seen Rebels? I mean, I’ve heard good things, I’m just still catching up on Succession. Cousin Greg, amirite?!

Meanwhile, PEDRO builds a nice little monument for NICK.

GINA CARANO

You do know those Jawas are gonna loot that in five seconds, right?

PEDRO PASCAL

It’s the thought that counts. Now come on, kid, we’re off to get you adopted!

BABY YODA

:\

PEDRO PASCAL

Actually, you know what? No. I am your father.

BABY YODA

:D

END.