FADE IN:

INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL

BRADLEY COOPER, who is suffering from AUTISM ASPERGERS OCD BIPOLAR DISORDER, is being released.

BRADLEY COOPER

I caught my wife letting another guy go down on her, so I made the guy go down on the heel of my shoe and I ended up in this hospital. That was the day I discovered I was bipolar, because apparently all the crazy outlandish shit I did and said before that point never tipped anybody off. But now I'm getting out and I plan to win back my cheating wife! Restraining order be damned!

BRADLEY is escorted out of the hospital by his homie CHRIS TUCKER.

BRADLEY COOPER

(terrified)

Holy shit, I didn't accidentally sign on to do a Brett Ratner film did I?

CHRIS TUCKER

No. I squandered all the money I made from the Rush Hour films and lost my house, so I'm getting back into acting. I'm really hoping to reinvent my image by playing something other than an annoying loadmouth or drug addict.

BRADLEY COOPER

So what kind of character are you playing?

CHRIS TUCKER

A drug addict who is slightly less of a loud mouth. Also I am black.

BRADLEY COOPER

That last part is actually going to come in handy later on, but not right now, so go away until then.

CHRIS TUCKER

Okey dokey.

(vanishes)

INT. BRADLEY'S PARENTS' HOUSE

BRADLEY moves in with his parents JACKI WEAVER and ROBERT DE NIRO.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I am an obsessive compulsive superstitious gambler who dreams of opening up a restaurant, but that won't come into play until later so just forget about it for now.

JACKI WEAVER

And I'm a housewife and a housewife.

BRADLEY COOPER

I need to change my wardrobe. Where are my clothes?

ROBERT DE NIRO

We replaced them all with these Hefty bags.

BRADLEY COOPER

I'll just wear those for the rest of the movie then.

BRADLEY goes running and HARASSES all his old coworkers with his BIPOLARNESS and eventually runs into his old friend JOHN ORTIZ and his wife JULIA STILES.

JOHN ORTIZ

It's great to see you, Brad. Since you've been away I've bought a house, gotten a great job, and have a beautiful wife, all the things you lost thanks to your illness.

JULIA STILES

And I'm a housewife and a housewife.

JOHN ORTIZ

Bradley, we would love to have you over for dinner so you can experience the kind of stable family life your bipolarness will prevent you from ever having.

BRADLEY COOPER

I shall wear my finest attire.

BRADLEY shows up to dinner wearing a FOOTBALL JERSEY.

JULIA STILES

The only way your outfit would be more awkward is if it were a Starfleet uniform. Here Brad, meet my crazy and sexually promiscuous fuckup of a sister Jennifer Lawrence.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hello Brad. I am a widowed druggie who likes to fuck, but deep down I'm just a nice girl who is looking for the right guy to heal her wounded heart.

(pause)

And did I mention how much fucking I like to do? Fucking is to me what cocaine is to Charlie Sheen, or career suicide is to Lindsay Lohan (also cocaine). And sometimes I sleep with women, because being slutty goes hand-in-hand with being bi these days.

BRADLEY COOPER

I'm bi too! Polar, that is. So Jennifer, it appears your character has two dimensions, which is two more dimension than any of the other women in this movie, therefore I am attracted to you.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You sure it doesn't have something to do with my jiggly boobs in this low-cut top?

BRADLEY COOPER

Possibly. Now allow me to express my attraction to you by being a huge mega asshole and calling you a whore and constantly bringing up your dead husband, who is dead, which is the opposite of alive, which, as you know, means worm food. You whore.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(swoons)

Let's fuck.

BRADLEY COOPER

Uh, no.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Really? I'm a hot young slutty girl and you're an unemployed schlub with a mental illness who lives with his parents. You should be on your knees thanking the lord baby Jesus for my offer of casual sex.

BRADLEY COOPER

I'm still in love with my cheating wife, who is ten times prettier than you and who isn't prone to falling down at awards shows.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(swoons)

Laying the sweet talk on kind of thick, aren't you? Now let's fuck.

BRADLEY COOPER

Are you not hearing me? I'm saying you are infectious human waste and I am not even close to being as crazy as you are. Notice how my bipolarness allows me to say the most offensive and hurtful things possible to you without me being labeled an asshole because bipolarness.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(swoons)

I want to have your abortion.

BRADLEY COOPER

Go away.

JENNIFER stalks BRADLEY, who STALKS HER in return. They act like TOTAL DOUCHENOZZLES to each other. This means they are FALLING in LOVE.

BRADLEY has a violent outburst with his parents in an attempt to accurately depict his BIPOLAR DISORDER, which attacks the AUDIENCE with its FISTS of HAM.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Bradley, I can help you get back together with your wife.

BRADLEY COOPER

Why the hell would you do that when you've been propositioning me for sex every 5 seconds?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I'm kind of aiming for that coveted 3-dimensional female status so I need a goal that doesn't involve me trying to get or keep a man. Be my partner in this dance competition and I will deliver a love letter to your wife.

BRADLEY COOPER

What's the prize if we win the competition?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Nothing. I want to do it just because and have no ulterior man-getting motives for doing it.

(pause)

Honest.

BRADLEY COOPER

No way am I helping you!

(pause)

Okay I'll help you. But only because nothing depends on us having to win. If there were actual stakes involved then I would totally lose my shit.

INT. JENNIFER'S FUCK PAD / DANCE STUDIO

BRADLEY and JENNIFER practice dancing, but they are WHITE and therefore TERRIBLE at it.

BRADLEY COOPER

If only I knew someone with soul and funky rhythm who could teach us yuppies how to master this mysterious art known as dance.

CHRIS TUCKER

(appearing like a State Farm agent)

I'll teach you!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Chris is a dancing instructor?

CHRIS TUCKER

If by "a dancing instructor" you mean "black', then yes!

(pause)

Seriously, this is my only qualification for teaching dance moves. Now Jennifer, the key to dancing is what the professionals refer to as "ass shaking", so do a lot of that.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

My ass? You mean the one people criticize photos of on late nite talk shows for not being that of a ten year old boy's?

CHRIS TUCKER

The very same one. Shake that ass right into the camera lens. Don't forget to include your jiggly boobs too. Before I go are you sure you guys don't need me to teach you how to dribble a basketball or spit a tight rhyme?

BRADLEY COOPER

Nah, we're good.

CHRIS TUCKER

Then my work here is done.

(vanishes)

BRADLEY COOPER

Okay Jennifer, I'm helping you so it's time to deliver that letter to my wife, who I still intend to win back and who I still think makes you look like a human sized herpes outbreak.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Enough with the pillow talk, Casanova. You had me at "infectious human waste" Now I've already delivered the letter and your wife wrote you a reply, but I will only give it to you after we practice our big dance move, which is basically me burying my vagina inside your face.

BRADLEY COOPER

(face muffled with muff)

Okay I've done it now give me the letter!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Here. In it your wife says that you two will never get back together and that you should totally move on and hook up with someone else.

(pause)

Someone else meaning me.

BRADLEY COOPER

Are you sure my wife wrote this? It sounds more like the ravings of a crazy whore with a dead husband, such as yourself.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

No way. That would make me a lying manipulative she-douche.

BRADLEY COOPER

This letter has emotionally devastated me!

(pause)

This would be the perfect moment for my biopolar disorder to kick in and cause me to violently flip out, reminding the audience how terrible and unpredictable this illness can be.

(pause)

Or not. The only thing that can console me now is--

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(eagerly)

A blowjob?

BRADLEY COOPER

--football.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(frowns)

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM

BRADLEY attends the game with his brother SHEA WHIGHAM who is at least four different shades of SHIT-HEEL.

SHEA WHIGHAM

Bradley, allow me to remind you how I am more successful, more wife having, and more daddy De Niro's love havinger than you are.

BRADLEY COOPER

As part of my recovery I accept your doucheiness and love you in spite of it.

SHEA WHIGHAM

Wow, you've really got a handle on your bipolar disorder. It's as if you can turn it off and on whenever the plot requires you to.

BRADLEY COOPER

It's all thanks to this wonderful new medication I'm on called "Ogling Jennifer's Bewbs".

SHEA WHIGHAM

Now remember Brad, if you are arrested you will be sent back to the crazy house, so don't get into any fights.

BRADLEY COOPER

Even if cliché rednecks appear and start punching you in the face?

SHEA WHIGHAM

Especially if cliché rednecks appear and start punching me in the face.

CLICHÉ REDNECKS appear and start punching SHEA in THE FACE, which causes director DAVID O. RUSSELL to experience a TRAUMATIC FLASHBACK from the set of one of his previous films.

BRADLEY attacks the REDNECKS and is arrested.

BRADLEY COOPER

Damnit! My illness has screwed me out of my silver lining! Looks like it's back to the nuthouse for me.

INT. BRADLEY'S PARENTS' HOUSE

BRADLEY COOPER

Or not.

(pause)

How exactly am I not on my way to the nuthouse again?

ROBERT DE NIRO

Bradley you rat fuck! You weren't at the game as my good luck charm so therefore I lost a shitload of money and now I can't open my restaurant! I knew I would regret not pulling out and shooting you into a napkin!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

And I'm even more pissed off that Bradley didn't show up to practice our big vagina tossing dance move!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Wait, you're the manic pixie dream girl Bradley's been seeing? Was Zooey Deschanel not available? This is all your fault!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hey fuck you Bobby! All the times Bradley and I were together your football team won which means I bring you luck! Let me shout statistic at you to prove it!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Your knowledge of football game scores and the New York state motto has convinced me to bet every last cent I have on the next football game!

ROBERT'S GAMBLING BUDDY

I will only accept this bet if I can parlay a second bet that Bradley and Jennifer will not score at least a 5.0 at their dance contest!

BRADLEY COOPER

Parlay? I thought that only worked with pirates? Besides dad, Jennifer and I are terrible dancers! The odds of us scoring a 5.0 are smaller than the odds of my performance in this film transforming me into a credible actor!

ROBERT DE NIRO

I like those odds! It's a deal!

BRADLEY COOPER

The fuck, Jennifer?! You barge into my house and convince my dad to gamble away his life savings just so you can get me to dance at a fucking competition? What the hell's your problem?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

And to think you could have avoided all of this just by sleeping with me and then never calling me again like a normal guy.

BRADLEY COOPER

The pressure is too much!

(pause)

This would be the perfect moment for my biopolar disorder to kick in and cause me to violently flip out, reminding the audience how terrible and unpredictable this illness can be.

(pause)

Or not.

(storms off, calmly)

ROBERT DE NIRO

How are we going to get Bradley to do the dance competition?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

We have to lie and tell him his wife Brea Bree will be there.

JACKI WEAVER

I can't lie to my own son!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Oh but you could tell me when and where he went jogging so I could properly stalk him?

JACKI WEAVER

Good point. I'll lie.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Trust me, lying to Bradley is cake. I've been doing it since we met and as recently as writing the breakup letter he thought was from his wife.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hey, you're kind of a conniving manipulative skank hoe, aren't you?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Yes, but it's in the name of love. Also I am a girl, which makes my actions 100% okay and not creepy at all. Hooray for double standards!

INT. DANCE COMPETITION

Everybody who's HAD LINES shows up and every TV in the place just so happens to be broadcasting the FOOTBALL GAME because both events have FEET in common.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Yes! My team won! Now it's all up to Bradley and Jennifer to get a mediocre dance score!

JACKI WEAVER

Because having them need to get the best score to win the bet would have been the cliché that broke the audience's back.

JENNIFER is getting ready to dance when BRADLEY's wife BREA BREE actually shows up!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Fuck! Now Bradley's going to find out how much of a lying conniving manipulative schizo I am and get back together with his wife! I must deal with this problem the same way I deal with all of my problems: by getting shitfaced and fucking a random stranger!

JENNIFER goes to the DANCE BAR to get picked up and stuffed by a JERK but BRADLEY stops her.

BRADLEY COOPER

Why are you flaking out now? This whole dance thing was your idea in the first place! I thought you were doing this because you wanted to, not because you thought it would help you to get a man?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I guess I'm not quite as 3-dimensional as I thought! It's like I'm playing Mystique all over again except my superpower is lying and cleavage.

BRADLEY COOPER

If we don't do this dance my dad will lose everything he owns including his Oscar talent and his soul!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I thought he lost those last two years ago?

BRADLEY and JENNIFER dance and they flub the big "vagina-to-the-face" finishing move. Despite this, they get a 5.0!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Yes! I won the bet! I won't have to live in a cardboard box now thanks to my son Bradley, who I have only started to love between now and 10 seconds ago!

BRADLEY goes over to talk to his wife BREA, presumably to ask her why she is intentionally making him violate the RESTRAINING ORDER she filed against him. This gives JENNIFER the chance to quietly sneak the fuck away lest her LYING, CONNIVING and MANIPULATING catch up with her...

Which it does in the form of BRADLEY.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I guess you want me to apologize for lying to you and beg for your forgiveness?

BRADLEY COOPER

Hell no. Women never have to own up to their mistakes or bad decision making in romantic comedies. Instead I will admit to knowing all about your lying conniving manipulativness including writing that cruel breakup letter from my wife, which I will completely overlook because I am in love with you.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

But that's exactly why you SHOULDN'T be in love with me!

BRADLEY COOPER

Don't you get it? I'm fucked up! And so are you! Based on these common interests we are perfect for each other!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Is this really the message the movie is pushing onto its audience? Because I'm pretty sure I'm still a promiscuous nutcase and you're still a potentially violent psycho. It's only a matter of time before I cheat on you and set off your bipolarness and you end up right back in the crazy house or worse. What then?

HAPPY MUSIC plays and the screen CUTS TO BLACK before the AUDIENCE has a chance to think about ANY OF THAT SHIT while all the major cast members and director walk away with OSCAR NOMINATIONS.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hey Bradley, do you know what the most amazing thing about this film is?

BRADLEY COOPER

It made everybody forget we were in Limitless?

ROBERT DE NIRO

Bingo.

END