EXT. VATICAN CITY, OUTSIDE THE VATICAN

CARDINAL RALPH FIENNES rushes urgently inside THE VATICAN where-

INT. THE VATICAN AND SURE HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR BRIEF TASTE OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD

RALPH is brought into the private chambers of THE POPE, who lies deathly still, surrounded by solemn-faced Church officials.

RALPH FIENNES

Oh no... is he...

CARDINAL JOHN LITHGOW

Dead? omigod SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dead. He's so utterly dead he doesn't even get a name, he's just credited as Dead Pope.

(measures cassocks)

RALPH FIENNES

(fighting back tears)

And as Dean of this holy institution... it then falls to me...

JOHN LITHGOW

To arrange and oversee the Conclave where we choose the new me, I mean, the new Pope, yes better get right on that!

(orders monogrammed mitre)

RALPH goes elsewhere in the VATICAN to seek out his friend CARDINAL STANLEY TUCCI who is also running for NEW POPE.

CARDINAL STANLEY TUCCI

Hey Ralph, what's black and white and red all over? Every single frame of this movie lol.

RALPH FIENNES

Good one Stanley.

(sighs)

I am terribly concerned that perhaps John Lithgow is maybe not the best choice for Pope.

STANLEY TUCCI

Well yeah, I mean, it's Lithgow. I think the last time he played a trustworthy character was 1988.

RALPH FIENNES

Furthermore, I am also gravely worried about candidates Sergio Castellitto and Lucian Msamati.

STANLEY TUCCI

I hear ya brother. I may have serious flaws but all the other options hate women, and want to outright kill gay and trans people, they only disagree on slow, fast, or brutally. I'm glad no other left-leaning voter anywhere on Earth has to face such a dilemma.

RALPH FIENNES

Truly you are the best candidate. Not only are you progressive and liberal--by Roman Catholic standards anyway--but nobody has sought out our regional cuisine more charmingly than you. However I am deeply troubled that you might not have enough votes.

STANLEY TUCCI

We'll have to see where things stand after the first ballot. But now time to sever all contact with the outside world! Nothing must distract us from this momentous task.

RALPH FIENNES

Yes, quite right.

(scrolls CatholikTok.com)

(checks DraftPopes.com)

(reads www.the-excommunicating-room.com)

Okay I'm ready.

(throws cell phone into baptismal font)

INT. THE VATICAN - THE NEXT MORNING

Everyone is gathering for the FIRST BALLOT when RALPH is pulled aside by aide BRIAN O'BYRNE.

BRIAN O'BYRNE

OMG Ralph a secret surprise cardinal just arrived that only Dead Pope knew about!

RALPH FIENNES

This is profoundly distressing. Who is it, Nolan Gorman? Marvin Harrison Jr.? Richelieu?

BRIAN O'BYRNE

None of those, it's newcomer Carlos Diehz whose only other IMDB credits are two short films including "The Vegan Vampire". I don't know what to make of this.

RALPH FIENNES

Well I'm sure we can agree it's greatly unnerving, but Dead Pope must have had his reasons. To the vote!

INT. VOTING CHAMBER

Everyone takes up their designated positions in the big vote chamber while being very careful to only move diagonally on squares of their colour.

VOTEMASTER

(addressing room)

In front of you is a piece of paper where you will write down a single name. Remember, THIS time you are NOT voting someone out, you're writing down who you want to WIN. I shall now tally the votes.

(gathers urn with votes inside)

If anyone has a hidden Immunity Idol, now is the time to reveal it and condemn it as a false idol.

(pause)

Very well. First vote is for...

(reads)

Lithgow. One vote Lithgow. Everyone else, zero votes. Lithgow is ahead 1-0. Next vote... Tucci. One vote Lithgow, one vote Tucci. Lithgow and Tucci are tied at one vote, everyone else zero. To recap, we have read two votes, and Lithgow and Tucci each got one of those two votes, for a current score of Lithgow 1, Tucci 1.

RALPH FIENNES

(under breath)

montage, montage... c'mon montage...

We do mercifully SKIP AHEAD and after the first ballot LUCIAN MSAMATI has the most votes! Second is LITHGOW, then SERGIO CASTELLITTO, then TUCCI, then RALPH, and finally CARLOS with a single vote.

RALPH FIENNES

Since nobody has reached the two-thirds threshold of victory, we shall adjourn and vote again tomorrow morning. Please get in single file and follow the masked figures wearing geometric shapes to your rooms.

INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE VATICAN

Everyone gets settled in their respective SQUID GAME ROOMS and later, RALPH and STANLEY gather with their allies to discuss strategy.

CARDINAL SOMEOTHERGUY

Well this is some bullshit. There's three guys ahead of Stanley in the voting and they all suck in one way or another. And combining the Fiennes/Tucci vote still isn't enough.

RALPH FIENNES

I agree this is...

(glances at thesaurus)

hugely unsettling. But let's not forget this has been marketed as a super-tense conspiracy thriller nailbiter thingie, so I wouldn't be surprised if some of our rivals have some deep dark secrets to be dramatically discovered. Plus, y'know, Catholic Church.

INT. ELIMINATION ROUND ONE

RALPH pays a visit to LUCIAN'S quarters.

RALPH FIENNES

I have to talk to you about that incident at breakfast today, where you freaked out at one of the nuns.

LUCIAN MSAMATI

Hm? Sorry don't know what you mean. I must return to my, ah, praying.

(lifts corner of rug, grabs large broom)

RALPH FIENNES

I convinced head nun Isabella Rossellini... and holy shit did you realize we got Isabella fucking Rossellini to play head nun but I digress... to let me talk to the nun in question, so I know that you got her pregnant 30 years ago. Which, I'm sure you'll agree, is acutely disturbing. The last thing we want is to remind anyone of our historical sexual abuse scandals of the long-ago distant historical past!

LUCIAN MSAMATI

Uh, wasn't there a report like last month about-

RALPH FIENNES

SO ANYWAY I regret to say you are no longer in the running for New Pope. Please collect your thurible and leave. The Conclave has spoken.

(extinguishes thurible)

(incense smoke-cloud smothers entire room)

HACK BLORKCH AHGODDD WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES

INT. ELIMINATION ROUND TWO

RALPH has a private talk with BRIAN.

RALPH FIENNES

So now Lithgow is the frontrunner, but I've been told Dead Pope was about to kick his sorry ass to the curb right before he croaked. There must be dirt on him somewhere.

BRIAN O'BYRNE

Hm. Well I checked with the other priest who was at the last meeting between Lithgow and Dead Pope, and he said everything went super great. He'd have given more details but his new Apple Watch said he was late for Truffle Ferrari Club so he had to bounce.

RALPH FIENNES

This whole situation makes me deep-seatedly bothered. All this detective work is weighing upon my soul... I must take a pause and reflect. Now where is the best venue for such meditation I wonder.

RALPH takes a break from St. Colomboing by BREAKING INTO DEAD POPE'S CHAMBERS and RIPPING THROUGH THE SACRED SECURITY SEALS and RUMMAGING AROUND, eventually finding a TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED REPORT!

RALPH FIENNES

My God, will this be the crucial evidence that blows open a wide-ranging, Church-spanning conspiracy, as promised by many plot summaries??!?

(reads)

Oh apparently Lithgow was buying votes. I gotta say, that's a bit underwhelming. I'm BARELY utterly distraught.

(thinks)

Stanley would probably say I should bury this and the focus has to be not letting Sergio win. But I can't compromise my values just for political strategy. I have to do the noble thing here.

RALPH makes 50,000 PHOTOCOPIES of the REPORT and stuffs them in everyone's LOCKER just to be EXTRA BITCHY about it. This causes much CONSTERNATION at BREAKFAST.

JOHN LITHGOW

My brothers, you can't believe these lies! All those cardinals just happened to buy winning scratch tickets last week!

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI

(entering)

Save it for someone who cares, dickwad. I also know you're the one who arranged for Lucian's baby mama to be here, so why don't you shove it directly up your rectum.

(pause)

Obviously this scene is more powerful in the real movie because I'm Isabella goddamn Rossellini and for those who've been paying attention, that's how you take a tiny role and make it a Best Supporting nomination, you're welcome.

INT. VOTING CHAMBER

The gang gather for another BALLOT which now seems destined to come down between SERGIO and RALPH.

RALPH FIENNES

(staring at blank ballot, under breath)

Well now I'm absolutely conflicted. It seems the ethical choice is to stop Sergio, but voting for myself is vanity. If only there was a sign as to the correct choice! But without that sign... I suppose I must consider the greater good... and vote... for myself.

THE CEILING

(exploding)

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

(giant chunks of marble and concrete crash down everywhere)

RALPH FIENNES

Okay you could have gone with a SLIGHTLY more subtle sign.

INT. PAPAL MULTIPLEX THEATRE ROOM

All the NARRATIVELY IMPORTANT CARDINALS gather to sort out what happened.

RALPH FIENNES

Turns out that while we've been cooped up here, all kinds of violence and shit has been going on outside. That explosion was a car bomb driven by a suicide bomber. Apparently our days of strict isolation and narcissistically gazing up our own assholes have blinded us to various realities of the world, who knew.

SERGIO CASTELLITTO

Well I think it's clear there is only one response to this, and that's lots of HATE and ANGER and AGGRESSION and MORE HATE and VIOLENCE and BLOOD and DEATH and PUNCHING BABIES and maybe I've gone a weeeee bit over the top. Um, but also, casual Fridays?

CARLOS DIEHZ

Bear with me a minute, but we could instead, like, do good things.

ENTIRE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS

(brains burst out their ears)

Once everyone finishes scooping up their brains there is ANOTHER VOTE and this time there is a DECISIVE WINNER... and it's CARLOS WHAAAAAA?!!???? At long last the cardinals are able to GET THEIR GOOD SMOKE ON and the CROWD GOES WILD!

RALPH FIENNES

(smiles)

Ah, it's nice to not be extensively agitated all the time.

BRIAN O'BYRNE

(rushing in)

Ralph! Ralph! I can't keep quiet about this any longer, I never thought Carlos would actually win the election so I wasn't going to say...

RALPH FIENNES

What?! What is this last-minute exciting twist?!

BRIAN O'BYRNE

Years ago Carlos went to Switzerland for a procedure... and it was a WOKE CLINIC! They made him WOKE!

RALPH FIENNES

We voted in a WOKE POPE?!? This is tremendously perplexing!!

BRIAN O'BYRNE

(freaking out)

WOKE POPE WOKE POPE WOKE POPE

(flips altar)

CARLOS DIEHZ

Um, guys, this isn't really a big deal. I was born intersex, didn't realize it till I was older, so I explored treatment options and made the best choice for me. Surely what matters is my extensive humanitarian record, impeccable service in war-ravaged areas, insight into religious matters, general worthiness as a person, etcetera?

BRIAN O'BYRNE

I GUESS WE'RE THE HOLY WOKEN EMPIRE NOW

RALPH FIENNES

(slaps Brian)

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF DUDE.

(deep breath)

Carlos is right, it shouldn't be a deal. And it may even do some good to expand people's perspective, assuming anyone ever finds out given that Carlos will be buried under fifty pounds of tablecloth for the rest of his life.

BRIAN O'BYRNE

(calming down)

Yes... and Dead Pope did know all about it, I should trust his judgment. Dead Pope really was important to the whole plot, should we just give him a name already?

(puzzled look)

Or would that be deadnaming? I'm not sure what that is but I know it's bad.

CARLOS DIEHZ

Sweet Jesus I really do have my work cut out for me here...

(sets up Powerpoint presentation)

Meanwhile, outside in the courtyard some HAPPY NUNS are going about their day.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI

You hear that commotion, sisters? That's the sound of some overprivileged men taking the first baby steps towards getting over their damn selves.

(smiles)

Maybe this really was the Best Conclave Ever.

END