FADE IN:

INT. A TRAIN

BRUCE WILLIS, looking FORLORN, is sitting next to the window. A woman comes by.

FORLORN BRUCE WILLIS

Hello. I'm Bruce Willis. Would you like to have sex with me?

WOMAN

Uh, no. You suck.

AUDIENCE

Awww.. even though Bruce was trying to cheat on his wife, it ended so embarrassingly badly for him that I hate that woman. I mean, look how forlorn he his, how can she be so mean? I hope she fucking dies!

She DIES. So does everyone on the TRAIN except BRUCE.

FORLORN BRUCE WILLIS

Wow, I am unbreakable. This makes me feel just wretched.

DOCTOR

Hi. I'm about to say a line which is so unrealistic, drawn-out, and overly dramatic that it seems to have actually been written just to be in the trailer. I'm looking at you like this for two reasons. Number one, you're the only survivor of a train wreck that killed a number of extras.. and two....you look so damn forlorn, I wondered if you wanted a prescription for prozac.

BRUCE WILLIS

No that's okay. I'm just re-hasing my character from the sixth sense. Same director, same tone, same setting, same built-around-surprise-ending style.. I figured I could do the whole bit where I'm constantly forlorn, I'm in an unhappy marriage, I care about a kid, and I'm so pathetically dumb that I can't figure out the surprise ending before the audience.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Maybe I can help you out, muthafucka. See, I think I know something you might not.

(miraculously straightfaced)

You see, I think comics are the windows to ancient history. Therefore they can be true.

FORLORN BRUCE WILLIS

I am forlorn. This makes me want to shoot myself.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Go ahead and try it, you are unbreakable. I, on the other hand, am very breakable. Watch as I valiantly sacrifice my ability to walk in order to prove that you are a superhero.

He does this.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Ow! I am wheelchair-bound! I hope you learned how important you are!

BRUCE WILLIS

Actually, I learned you're a nut. I almost drowned once. I can be broken. I am not a superhero. Stay the fuck away from me.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I will react by going to a comic book shop and being a major dick to the guy who works there.

INT. BRUCE WILLIS' HOME

BRUCE'S KID

Hey dad. I'm going to shoot you and prove you are a superhero.

BRUCE WILLIS

We're friends, son. Friends don't shoot friends.

AUDIENCE

Was I supposed to take that line seriously?

BRUCE WILLIS

Hey! This is a movie in which people are seriously talking about comics as history books and I'm supposed to have super powers in which I can't get sick or hurt yet I managed to never notice this before. I think you can swallow my kid trying to shoot me.

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Hey everyone. Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to point out how atmospheric my movie is. Thanks, I'll go back to wetting myself in anticipation of the surprise ending again.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Hey Bruce! I figured out what everyone in the audience who ever read a comic book already knew! Water is your kryptonite! You have to go to a place where there is people. Once there, you will partake in a scene which is strangely similar to the train station scene in X-Men.

FORLORN BRUCE WILLIS

I am plagued and saddened by this curse of invincibility. Hey, that janitor is doing some evil shit.

BRUCE WILLIS mopes and follows the JANITOR.

INT. SOME SUBURBAN HOME

JANITOR

I am pure evil and don't even have any lines, including this one! I am the essense of the comic book goon villain that serves no purpose but to help the superhero establish plot.

FORLORN BRUCE WILLIS

I will kill you and save these three people.

(looking at the woman)

Two people. Who are kids. With no parents now. I kinda sucked on this one, didn't I? It's no matter, check out my cool costume! It's a giant rain coat with a hood and it says "security" on the back. I'm Securityman! Hmm, wait, how about: Dr. Security! No.. The Securitor!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

You have truly discovered that you are indeed a superhero, Bruce! Now we can join forces and fight crime! I shall be the Robin to your Batman! The Hawkeye of our Avengers! The Kathie Lee to your Regis! Wait.. she's evil...hmm....

FORLORN BRUCE WILLIS

I'm slightly less forlorn now that I know I can look forward to a life of serving ungrateful bastards! However, I can never tell my wife, only you and my kid may ever know the secret identity of The Securitor!

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Isn't this ending just ridiculously surprising?? Aren't I fucking clever???

AUDIENCE

No.

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Securitor! After them!

BRUCE WILLIS grabs the AUDIENCE and makes them watch THE STORY OF US and THE JACKAL.

END