FADE IN:

INT. GERARD BUTLER'S HOUSE

TWO KILLERS break into GERARD BUTLER's house and murder his WIFE and DAUGHTER, but not HIM even though he can easily identify them because the KILLERS are not wearing MASKS.

The murder case falls into the lap of Assistant District Attorney JAMIE FOXX.

GERARD BUTLER

PROSECUTE! Send those evil sons of bitches to prison for the rest of their natural lives!

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

Can't. Sorry. I refuse to risk my insanely high conviction rate.

GERARD BUTLER

What the hell are you babbling about? I saw them rape and kill my wife and daughter. Right in front of me. This should be the easiest case you'll ever win.

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

Okay, let me think about it.

(pause)

NOOOOOO!!!

JAMIE takes a DEAL that results in the FAT UGLY KILLER serving only 3 years while the KILLER'S PARTNER, who only stood by and watched, gets the DEATH PENALTY.

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

Justice has been served.

EXT. PHILADELPHIA - 10 YEARS LATER

The KILLER'S PARTNER is about to be EXECUTED but GERARD executes him FIRST in a MORE PAINFUL WAY.

Then GERARD kills the FAT UGLY KILLER in one of the rejected sets from the SAW SERIES.

GERARD is later ARRESTED and thrown in PRISON for the MURDERS. JAMIE arrives to see him.

JAMIE FOXX

Nice! You killed those douchebags who murdered your family! Good for you! Too bad you got caught. See you in 20 years. Don't drop the soap. Roll credits.

GERARD BUTLER

Oh, the movie's not over just yet, Jamie. You see, the people who murdered my family were just part of a broken and corrupt system that I have now decided to tear down!

JAMIE FOXX

This is blasphemy! This is madness!

GERARD BUTLER

Madness? THIS IS SPAR--- wait a minute, I see what you did there. I'm being serious, Jamie! I have become an evil genius who will stop at nothing to ruin your career!

JAMIE FOXX

I will NOT let you ruin my acting career!

GERARD BUTLER

No, I meant your character's legal career. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of ruining your acting career all by yourself.

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

Hey, at least I'm good at something, right?

GERARD BUTLER

Get me a porterhouse steak or I will start killing innocent people.

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

No.

The FAT UGLY KILLER'S LAWYER, whose only mistake was BEING A LAWYER, DIES.

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

Oh. You were serious. Well here's your steak anyway. Enjoy!

GERARD uses the STEAK BONE to KILL his CELLMATE and is thrown into SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

Despite this, GERARD kills the JUDGE who presided over his case by making her CELL PHONE BLOW UP.

JAMIE FOXX

Okay, I'll admit it, that cell phone bomb was pretty cool, but you have to stop, Gerard! Why are you doing this?

GERARD BUTLER

I told you.

JAMIE FOXX

Yeah yeah yeah, "broken system" blah blah blah "tearing it down". That was the bullshit reason. I want the real reason.

GERARD BUTLER

To teach you a lesson. See, this is really all your fault.

JAMIE FOXX

You mean because I took the deal instead of going to trial with your family's murder case?

GERARD BUTLER

No, I mean because they gave you a fucking Oscar without deserving it.

JAMIE FOXX

Me? What about Marisa Tomei?

GERARD BUTLER

She isn't nearly as annoying as you are. And I actually liked "My Cousin Vinny", so there.

JAMIE meets with his assistant, LESLIE BIBB.

JAMIE FOXX

Leslie, we need to stop Gerard and find out who's helping him to commit these murders!

LESLIE BIBB

No problem. I'll just go talk to my super secret contact that I have been awkwardly mentioning throughout the entire movie.

JAMIE FOXX

Wait a second... it's Gerard, isn't it? You're working with him aren't you! You treacherous whore!

LESLIE BIBB

I'm not! I swear!

JAMIE FOXX

Oh yeah? Prove it!

LESLIE gets BLOWN THE FUCK UP by GERARD, along with a bunch of other LAWYERS who were being LAWYERS.

JAMIE FOXX

Hmm, I guess Leslie really wasn't working with Gerard after all, huh?

JAMIE goes to LESLIE'S FUNERAL where GERARD is somehow able to SHOOT AT HIM, but ends up killing JAMIE'S BOSS instead.

JAMIE is instantly PROMOTED to DISTRICT ATTORNEY by MAYOR VIOLA DAVIS.

JAMIE FOXX

Thanks a lot soul sista for helpin' a brotha out, knawmean?

VIOLA DAVIS

Fuck you, Jamie. My city wouldn't be in chaos if you weren't such a pussy and had just tried Gerard's case. Now stop him or I will bludgeon you with my far superior acting prowess.

JAMIE FOXX

Holy shit, you're way more threatening than Gerard ever could be. I'd better stop him now. But how the hell is he able to kill all of these people from solitary confinement?

A PLOT CONVENIENCE informs JAMIE that GERARD purchased a WAREHOUSE nearby and from there he dug a TUNNEL into the PRISON.

JAMIE FOXX

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding me? Who does this guy think he is? Michael Scofield?

JAMIE witnesses GERARD sneak out of PRISON and plant a BOMB at CITY HALL where he plans to kill lots of SHADY INEPT PUBLIC OFFICIALS.

JAMIE FOXX

No! You've gone too far this time, Gerard! You can kill a million lawyers, but goddamnit, not our public officials! This means WAR!

GERARD returns to his PRISON CELL, but despite having a 3 HOUR HEAD START, JAMIE gets there FIRST.

GERARD BUTLER

Well color me surprised.

JAMIE FOXX

You mean because I discovered your secret tunnel?

GERARD BUTLER

No, I mean because despite the fact I have killed dozens of innocent people and plan to kill dozens more, the audience is still secretly hoping that I kill you and get away scot-free.

JAMIE FOXX

What? That's ridiculous! Right, audience?

AUDIENCE

Uhhhhhhh...

JAMIE FOXX

But that's bullshit! I'm THE HERO!

GERARD BUTLER

Face it, Jamie. You could rescue a box full of kittens from drowning and you'd still come off as a smug prick while doing it. Meanwhile I could bite the heads off of those same kittens and chug their blood and everyone would still like me more than they like you.

JAMIE FOXX

But why? I was actually forced to take that deal at the beginning of the movie! And I have a wife and kids I'm trying to protect! And you have killed a shit load of people who probably had kids and spouses! Why does the audience think I'm such an asshole?!

GERARD BUTLER

Because your first name is "Jamie" and your last name is "Foxx". The only way people wouldn't hate your guts is if Johnny Depp legally had his name changed to "Jamie Foxx".

JAMIE FOXX

Oooooooh. Just for that I am so going to blow your shit up!

GERARD discovers that JAMIE brought THE BOMB back with him and planted it under GERARD'S BED.

GERARD BUTLER

Fuck. Okay, I'll make you a deal, Jamie. I'll teach you how to be a likeable actor if you don't blow my shit up.

JAMIE FOXX

I don't make deals with psychopaths, Gerard! You taught me that!

GERARD BUTLER

No, seriously, you really should do us all a favor and take this deal.

AUDIENCE

Take the deal, Jamie! For the love of God take the deal!

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

Okay, let me think about it.

(pause)

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

THE BOMB EXPLODES, killing GERARD, and BLOWING UP HALF OF THE PRISON!

JAMIE FOXX

Oops. Did we evacuate that part of the prison? No matter. Off to my daughter's stage performance!

INT. JAMIE'S DAUGHTER'S SCHOOL

JAMIE meets with his wife, REGINA HALL.

REGINA HALL

What the hell are you doing here, Jamie?

JAMIE FOXX

Well you see, Gerard's murderous rampage convinced me that I should be a better prosecutor who cares about the people I represent and not just a high conviction rate. He also convinced me that I should spend less time at work and more time with my family.

REGINA HALL

No, I meant what are you doing here as in you just allowed half of a prison to be blown up which resulted in at least one death. You should be neck deep in cops, lawyers and news reporters. And in handcuffs.

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

I'm the new District Attorney now, baby. None of that petty shit applies to me anymore.

REGINA HALL

So in other words you really didn't learn a goddamn thing from this entire experience.

JAMIE FOXX

(smugly)

That would've made for a much more satisfying ending, wouldn't it?

REGINA HALL

You're an asshole.

END