FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM

NICOLE KIDMAN has PERFECTLY ADEQUATE SEX with her husband, ANTONIO BANDERAS.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Hey, why don't we mix things up in here once in a while? Now that both our daughters are of school age, I have a lot of spare energy.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

Eeven though you are a sooccessful high-purred womahn in STEM?

NICOLE KIDMAN

A LOT of spare energy. Like, enough to masturbate about three times a day.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

Hmm. All right. Whaht deed you hahve een mind?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Spanking.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

(groans)

Nowt again. Eez theese thee only type of sexuahl reawakening thaht counts for fictional women?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Of course not. I could always divorce you and get into a one-sided, out-of-character romance with the least funny stand-up comedian not named Dave Coulier.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

Touché. Steell, no. Entry-level BDSM eez so plighed out that eet eez basicahlly vahnillah now. Get bahck to me when you are ready fowr some eerotic swordplay. THAT steell holds ahp.

INT. NICOLE'S OFFICE

NICOLE meets her new intern, HARRIS DICKINSON.

HARRIS DICKINSON

You're full of crap.

NICOLE KIDMAN

(crosses one leg over the other)

I beg your pardon?

HARRIS DICKINSON

All that stuff you say about your tech making the world better. Total bullshit.

NICOLE KIDMAN

(slips a hand into her skirt under her desk)

Go on.

HARRIS DICKINSON

Plus you dress like a 1970s history teacher who's also a prostitute.

NICOLE KIDMAN

(audibly vibrating in her chair)

Uh-huh.

HARRIS DICKINSON

You should probably fire me right now for my instantly and inexplicably shitty attitude, but you won't because you're such a pathetic waste of skin.

NICOLE KIDMAN

(breath shuddering)

Skin?

HARRIS DICKINSON

Yes. Skin. Skin that I'd spooge all over while shoving your face into a pie and making you listen to Kid Rock's most recent album. You need that so fucking bad, don't you?

NICOLE KIDMAN

(lets out a scream through tightly clenched teeth)

I can't believe I'm into this. I mean, the dirty talk and the pie-shoving, obviously I'm all about that. But with you? You're a nobody. A nobody who looks like someone pinpointed the exact statistical median of the male voice, face, and body with quantum precision.

HARRIS DICKINSON

But doesn't that makes it hotter? Knowing my blandness may be a facade for dangerous, panther-like sexual prowess?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But isn't it kind of insane for an intern to pressure their boss into sex?

HARRIS DICKINSON

If the sexes were flipped, sure. But if I told the board that the female CEO let me put my dick in her, they'd gladly fire you first and replace you with someone's mountain biking buddy who spends 18 hours a day on ketamine.

NICOLE KIDMAN

...That is so horribly depressing that this just stopped being any level of hot.

HARRIS DICKINSON

I have a necktie. It smells like Acqua Di Gio.

NICOLE KIDMAN

(actual script direction)

(sniffs it and rubs it all over the inside of her mouth)

HARRIS DICKINSON

Gets them every time.

INT. SHITTY HOTEL

NICOLE and HARRIS meet.

NICOLE KIDMAN

You know, I figured my first honest-to-goodness BDSM experience would involve more leather and red ambient lighting. This dump looks like--

HARRIS DICKINSON

Hey, I'LL do the insults here. Now would you mind kneeling on the floor?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Would I mind? Would I MIND? Is this your first time too? Or have you just been watching Canadian porn or something?

HARRIS DICKINSON

Sorry. I'll try again.

(clears throat)

Kneel.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Better.

(does)

HARRIS DICKINSON

Here's a cherry Lifesaver. Perhaps you'd like to eat it out of my hand and then spit it back.

NICOLE KIDMAN

"Perhaps"?

HARRIS DICKINSON

Eat it out of my hand and then spit it back, um, whore.

NICOLE KIDMAN

(does)

HARRIS DICKINSON

Okay, how about this? Lie on your stomach fully clothed while I may or may not finger your butt. But do it?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Is that a question?! Fuck's sake, this isn't even the worth the risk to my reputation! Put in some effort or I'm outta here!

HARRIS DICKINSON

(puts on voice-changing Darth Vader helmet)

DO IT.

NICOLE KIDMAN

(does)

(makes a noise like a horse being slaughtered)

HARRIS DICKINSON

SO... WAIT, HANG ON.

(removes helmet)

So I did good?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Well, we have more than an hour left, so you must have done something right.

HARRIS DICKINSON

Should I bring the cape next time?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Mmm... couldn't hurt.

INT. NICOLE'S COUNTRY HOUSE

After several weeks of fucking HARRIS on every surface of her OFFICE, NICOLE arrives to find HARRIS casually chatting with ANTONIO and their daughters, ESTHER MCGREGOR and VAUGHAN REILLY.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

Nee-cole, why deed you not tell us your yow-ng intern here was sooch a charmeeng fellow?

ESTHER MCGREGOR

Mom, can he stay for dinner?

VAUGHAN REILLY

Can he play Mario Kart World with us?

ESTHER MCGREGOR

Can one of us develop an innocent crush on him that makes things even more awkward for everyone involved?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Um... you know what Harris really likes? Fish. Fresh fish. Caught from the lake four hours from here. By one of you.

ANTONIO, ESTHER, and VAUGHAN shrug and leave.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Not. Fucking. Cool.

HARRIS DICKINSON

(throws a literal tantrum)

NICOLE KIDMAN

Harris, you're having a lot of big feelings right now, so let's just take some deep breaths together, okay?

HARRIS DICKINSON

(sniffles)

No. I don't like you anymore.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I know you don't mean that....

HARRIS DICKINSON

I don't LIKE you! I wanna be someone ELSE's intern!

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yeah, this is getting extremely unsexy. Act like you're not trying to turn me off even more than you already have.

HARRIS DICKINSON

(calms down)

(takes a sip of apple juice)

Fine. I'm going to request a transfer. Then everyone would guess that we've been fucking. How would you like that?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Or they'll just assume the CEO is too busy for an intern and had to pawn you off on some other executive.

HARRIS DICKINSON

I still have your DNA on my tie.

NICOLE KIDMAN

ARGH. Okay, new rule: If you say anything to anyone or interfere in the rest of my personal life again, my pussy is going AWAY.

HARRIS DICKINSON

Fine.

(pouts)

NICOLE KIDMAN

Don't be mad now.

HARRIS DICKINSON

I want ice cweam.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Sure, we can have some ice cweam.

INT. BACK IN THE CITY

ANTONIO tries to have sex with NICOLE again.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I know you weren't into the spanking, but could you try feeding me a Lifesaver and making me spit it back out?

ANTONIO BANDERAS

(blinks in confusion)

NICOLE KIDMAN

(rolls eyes)

Look, I've learned from consuming endless quantities of porn how orgasms are supposed to sound, and you have NOT gotten any barnyard noises out of me. Just stop wasting your time, okay?

ANTONIO BANDERAS

(blinks in confusion)

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yes, I know I never brought it up before now, and maybe I could have suggested some different moves long ago. That's my bad. But if you're not up for hopping in back and calling me a dirty goat, it's pretty much hopeless at this point.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

(blinks in confusion)

NICOLE KIDMAN

I am TRYING to provoke your anger here! Don't you want to smack me around, just a little?

ANTONIO BANDERAS

Yes, my insteenct is to respond the way a loyal and low-veeng spouse might, boot it sounds to me like you would nowt want that.

NICOLE KIDMAN

OF COURSE NOT! I want you to verbally degrade me and fuck me like you're blackmailing me into it in a bizarre reversal of our workplace power dynamic! Is that too much to ask?!

ANTONIO BANDERAS

(blinks in confusion)

NICOLE KIDMAN

Guess so. Go the fuck to sleep.

She storms out and goes to see HARRIS.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Okay, what do I need to do to get dicked down your way again? Do I need to get your name tattooed on me? Is there a hat?

HARRIS DICKINSON

Just repeat after me: "Harris Dickinson is the pinnacle of manliness."

NICOLE KIDMAN

"Harris Dickinson is the pinnacle of manliness."

HARRIS DICKINSON

"His directorial debut at next year's Cannes will be an enormous success."

NICOLE KIDMAN

"His directorial debut at next year's Cannes will be an enormous success."

HARRIS DICKINSON

"Jess M. was way too hard on him in her script for The Darkest Minds and should apologize."

NICOLE KIDMAN

"Jess M. was way too hard on him in her script for The Darkest Minds and should apologize." You don't expect me to make her do that, right? Because I don't think it's gonna happen.

HARRIS DICKINSON

Oh, I know. And finally, "I preemptively consent to whatever Harris wants to do to me, up to and including activities involving a socket wrench, a bottle of Worcestershire sauce, and several different Muppet Babies costumes."

NICOLE KIDMAN

(blinks in confusion)

HARRIS DICKINSON

"For example."

NICOLE KIDMAN

I'm choosing to ignore that one. So what's up next?

HARRIS DICKINSON

I'll lovingly assure you of your beauty and give you a hug, then I'll put my fingers in your mouth, then we'll dance and act like cats, then we'll have the same kind of intercourse you can already get from your husband whenever you ask.

NICOLE KIDMAN

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. There is NO WAY this was the hottest and most taboo movie of 2024. I REFUSE to believe it.

HARRIS DICKINSON

Well, if we wanted to make our "female authority figure from Big Little Lies has torrid affair with boring younger white guy" double feature into a triple, there's still Challengers.

NICOLE KIDMAN

...I am so fucking tired.

INT. NICOLE AND ANTONIO'S APARTMENT

HARRIS turns up again with NICOLE's assistant, SOPHIE WILDE.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Fucking REALLY?

HARRIS DICKINSON

You said whatever I wanted, and what I want is to mess with your head by dating Sophie. And before you get mad about that, you're the one who invited your office-only assistant to your daughter's birthday party. Is that a thing anyone ever does?

He slips away to get in line for the TACO BAR.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Sophie...

SOPHIE WILDE

(holds up a hand)

It's not like we all don't know. No CEO ever spends as much time with an intern as you do unless fucking is involved.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Shit.

SOPHIE WILDE

Your affair with Harris is unbecoming of a successful high-powered in STEM, and as someone who strives to emulate you, evidently in ALL things, I cannot allow you to besmirch shallow girlboss feminism for the rest of us. It's the best we've got. So please stop fucking him, for womankind's sake if not yours or mine or that of Antonio, who by the way is right behind you.

NICOLE swivels around to see ANTONIO blinking in confusion.

SOPHIE WILDE

I'll just leave you two kids to talk privately.

(puts on pixel glasses and exits)

NICOLE KIDMAN

Antonio, I swear it didn't mean anything. Despite my desperate attempts to pathologize my sexually submissive streak, it turns out I just wanted to push my boundaries in a relatively normal way. I only turned to Harris because you weren't into that, but he only pushed them about a quarter-inch anyway. So we can get past this, right?

ANTONIO BANDERAS

I KEEL HEEM!

He unsheathes his RAPIER and swings it elaborately in HARRIS's direction.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

I warn you, sirrr, ahfter my blade comes out to dahnce, she gets a thirst and enhoys quencheeng eet weeth a drop of blood. Fetch your sword and hahve eet take her hahnd!

HARRIS DICKINSON

Yeah, I don't have a sword. Would you accept a socket wrench?

ANTONIO BANDERAS

NEVERRR!

He cuts off HARRIS's shirt in five expert STROKES.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Damn, okay, that was hot. You're relieved, Harris.

HARRIS DICKINSON

But... the blackmail?

NICOLE KIDMAN

I'll transfer you to Japan. There you can push boundaries a whole inch.

HARRIS DICKINSON

Cool!

(leaves)

ANTONIO BANDERAS

(swishes rapier at NICOLE)

Ahnd now, my lowve, I shahll speereet you to our mahritahl chamber and show you whaht a true mahster of zee penetrahteeve weapon cahn do.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Only if you agree to do the Zorro thing full-time. It's the only way your accent will stop sounding epically ridiculous.

ANTONIO BANDERAS

Anyzeeng for your sateesfactshown, mi amor.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Then we're in business.

With TIME and PATIENCE, she manages to make BARNYARD NOISES at home too.

END