FADE IN:

INT. A HOTEL IN NEW YORK - 1978

Before the movie even STARTS, the AUDIENCE is treated to some BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE of CHRISTIAN BALE’S GUT as he applies his character’s ELABORATE TRUMP COMB-OVER™ which is held together by industrial strength GLUE, RUBBER BANDS, STAPLES, and WISHES.

CHRISTIAN BALE

What? No, this all speaks to my character who is a fast-talking con man with the outwardly appearance of being full of success but deep down inside is actually a hairless phoney. Right, David?

DIRECTOR DAVID O. RUSSELL

Don’t look at me. I just asked you to do weird character shit for 5 minutes and this is what you came up with, so yeah whatever. I trust my actors.

CHRISTIAN BALE

That's nice and all, but if you let all your actors run amok and do weird character shit all the time you risk telling a muddled story. So sooner or later you're going to reign us all in, right?

This DOESN'T HAPPEN.

CHRISTIAN is using his CON ARTISTS SKILLS to help catch bad guys for FBI AGENT BRADLEY COOPER.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Bradley, I can’t pull off this con for you because I hate your fucking guts too much.

BRADLEY COOPER

The Hangover sequels were just a paycheck, man. I wish everyone would just get over them.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Not that, I’m talking about you macking on my girl Amy Adams!

BRADLEY COOPER

But nothing happened between us! Except of course for all the flirting and eye sex. But can you blame me? I mean look at the way she’s dressed. Amy, get in here!

AMY ADAMS’ SIDE-BOOB enters, followed a few minutes later by AMY ADAMS.

AMY ADAMS

(British accent?)

I ‘ear you blokes are fighting over who gets to do the ol' In-Out with me, which makes me sick to me gulliver. Viddy well, little brothers. Viddy well.

(pause)

Oh for fucks sake, why am I talking this way? Do I have to sound like this for the whole movie or can I secretly be an American pretending to be British despite my real life counterpart being 100% British?

DIRECTOR DAVID O. RUSSELL

(zooming in on AMY’S SIDE-BOOB)

Sure, Amy. Whatever. Fap fap fap fap fap.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Listen up Bradley because this is your last warning. Stay away from Amy or I will straighten your perm.

BRADLEY COOPER

But aren’t you already married to Jennifer Lawrence?

CHRISTIAN BALE

THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT!

BRADLEY COOPER

Don't forget Christian, I caught you separating rubes from their cash so you have to help me catch government officials taking bribes or I’ll haul Amy’s ass straight to lady prison.

CHRISTIAN BALE

But I thought you liked Amy?

BRADLEY COOPER

Sure I do, but I’m not above using her to control you because I’m kind of an insufferable dick that way.

CHRISTIAN BALE (V.O.)

You see folks, I was a small-time con man who convinced people to fork over a non-refundable $5,000 fee with the promise of securing a loan I would later tell them they were denied for. And then--

AMY ADAMS (V.O.)

--he met me and we fell in love, so I joined Christian in his criminal enterprise and used my British side-boob to help make his cons more convincing and--

CHRISTIAN BALE (V.O.)

Whoa whoa whoa Amy, WTF? How dare you just horn in on my voice over like that?

AMY ADAMS (V.O.)

How else is the audience going to learn about our relationship if I don't just straight-up tell them? How's that saying go? "Tell, don't show"? Right, David?

DIRECTOR DAVID O. RUSSELL

(filming countless close-ups of AMY’S ASS)

Sure, Amy. Whatever. Fap fap fap fap fap.

CHRISTIAN and BRADLEY meet with New Jersey Mayor JEREMY RENNER who is wearing a BIRD’S NEST on his head. Wait, that’s supposed to be his HAIR? Goddamn.

BRADLEY COOPER

Remember Christian, in order to be free and clear of the FBI you need to help me secure four busts, even though we will never mention how many busts you've completed or how many you have to go. Now help me convince Mayor Jeremy to take bribes.

CHRISTIAN BALE

This should be a cinch just so long as you don’t fuck it up by being an asshole.

BRADLEY COOPER

(fucks it up by being an asshole)

JEREMY RENNER

Whoa whoa whoa, I’m actually a nice upstanding guy. You can tell because I adopted a black kid, therefore I don’t take bribes.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Please?

JEREMY RENNER

No.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Pretty please? With cherry on top?

JEREMY RENNER

No!

(pause)

Well okay. But ONLY because I want to use the money to rebuild the community.

(takes the bribe)

BRADLEY COOPER

WHOO-HOO! We got that evil no-good son of a bitch! YEAH!

CHRISTIAN BALE

(sad)

Wow, after meeting Jeremy’s lovely wife and kids I actually feel sorry for him, unlike all the hundreds of suckers with families I conned out of their hard earned cash. I think I’ll punish myself by spending time with Katniss.

INT. CHRISTIAN BALE’S HOUSE

CHRISTIAN comes home to his wife and Jack Daniels repository JENNIFER LAWRENCE and their 7-ish year old SON.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Holy shit, Jen. Aren’t you like 22? When did you have this kid? When you were 15? Is my character secretly a pedophile or something?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(places scenery in mouth)

(chews)

How the fuck am I supposed ta know ya fuckin’ ass fuckin’ hole fuckin’ fat bald fuck.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Oh, I get it. The movie wants the audience to root for me and Amy so you’re being painted as an obnoxious schizo guidette douchebag so we don’t feel sorry for you despite all the blatant cheating on you I’m doing.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Or I'm simply too young for this role and making up for it by being as hammy and over the top as possible. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a son to endanger with fire.

Meanwhile BRADLEY and AMY stumble onto the set of SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and hang out in a bathroom stall.

BRADLEY COOPER

Amy, I reeeeeally want to insert my penis into you, but I can’t.

AMY ADAMS

You mean because you have a fiance and because you still live with your mother?

BRADLEY COOPER

Holy fuck, is that true? Is the FBI paying me in Monopoly money or am I just a pathetic loser?

AMY ADAMS

Both, but listen. I really like you too, but we can’t have sex until Christian and I have completed the busts we owe you, okay?

BRADLEY COOPER

That request sounds oddly suspicious... Wait, do you actually like me or are you just stringing me along until you and Christian can find a way to get from under my thumb?

AMY ADAMS

What? Pshaw! You honestly think an experienced con-woman such as myself would really try to con you, a moronic law man?

BRADLEY COOPER

That makes a lot more sense considering how much of an incompetent fucktard I am, but I’ll take your word for it.

AMY ADAMS

Good boy. Now I have to drop a major sea pickle so you might want to clear the splash zone.

BRADLEY leaves so AMY can take a SUPER INTENSE SHIT THAT NEARLY RIPS HER IN HALF, or maybe she just releases a HOWL of MANIC ANXIETY-FRUSTRATION-RAGE-ECSTASY while coincidentally sitting on A TOILET, honestly it's kind of hard to tell which.

INT. CHEZ MOBSTER

BRADLEY plans to use MAYOR JEREMY to catch U.S. CONGRESSMEN taking bribes so he sends CHRISTIAN and JENNIFER out on a double date with JEREMY and his WIFE and some MOBSTERS.

CHRISTIAN BALE

This should be pretty easy so long as Bradley doesn’t fuck it.

BRADLEY shows up with AMY.

BRADLEY COOPER

(fucking things up)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(pointing at AMY)

Hey I know her! That’s my husband’s whoo-ah!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Fucking Christ, Bradley! Why would you bring Amy here? Don’t you realize Jennifer is totally in the dark about our con and has zero obligation to keep my true occupation as a con man secret from mobsters that would have no problem choking me with my own comb-over?

BRADLEY COOPER

(snorting coke)

Whatever, you bald fuck.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Ugh, you are going to get me killed! At least tell me you brought along my Middle Eastern friend who’s pretending to be a Sheik in order to convince everyone we have access to big money?

BRADLEY COOPER

(snorting more coke)

No way dude, I brought in my Mexican FBI buddy Michael Peña to play the Sheik, who speaks exactly zero words of Arabic.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Okay, I think I can still pull this off, just so long as none of these Italian mobsters know how to speak Arabic.

Resident mobster, murderer and part-time wrinkled couch ROBERT DE NIRO is in attendance.

ROBERT DE NIRO

(speaks fluent Arabic to MICHAEL)

“SHEIK” MICHAEL PEÑA

(stunned silence, shits self)

CHRISTIAN BALE

Aaaaaaand we’re dead.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I should be beyond fucking suspicious of you guys considering Michael clearly doesn’t understand a goddamn word I'm saying, but I’m not for some reason.

CHRISTIAN, BRADLEY and MICHAEL walk away instead of being taken out back, TORTURED and SHOT because NOBODY KNOWS WHY.

Meanwhile JENNIFER flirts with thug JACK HUSTON who no one recognizes unless he’s missing HALF HIS FACE. JENNIFER meets AMY in her favorite location, the BATHROOM.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

The scenery in here looks delicious, I think I'll have a bite!

AMY ADAMS

Jennifer, by flirting with Jack you are jeopardizing Christian’s con operation which you know nothing about.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Well maybe if somebody actually filled me in on what’s going on...

AMY ADAMS

Why would we do that? You’re clearly a selfish adolescent woman-child pretending to be an adult. Chances are you’d just blab the whole plan to the mob guys and fuck everything up.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Look, I’m not saying I would do that, but I would probably do exactly that. However this still doesn’t absolve you for polishing my husband's knob.

AMY ADAMS

But you don’t even love him! You just won't give him a divorce because you're bitter and possessive!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I don’t see how that matters. Now give mama some sugar.

JENNIFER gives AMY a big SLOPPY KISS because REASONS.

AMY ADAMS

(wipes mouth)

Jennifer, is your lipstick made out of jelly donut filling or something? Holy crap, it’s all over my face and it’s sticky.

DIRECTOR DAVID O. RUSSELL

(watching the dailies of this scene)

Fap fap fap fap fap.

INT. AMY ADAMS’ APARTMENT

BRADLEY arrives with a SEARCH WARRANT for AMY’S VAGINA.

BRADLEY COOPER

I love you, Amy. Now that I have told you this you are obligated to inhale my penis.

AMY ADAMS

First of all, that’s not how sex works. And second, I think it’s time I told you I’m not really British, I’m actually a stripper from New Mexico and I’ve been using a fake name all this time. Surprise!

BRADLEY COOPER

Duh, Amy. Of course I’ve known that all along. I’d be a pretty incompetent FBI agent if I hadn’t figured

(checks script)

HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS I REALLY DIDN’T KNOW?! Next thing you'll tell me you're really Isla Fisher!

AMY ADAMS

Well, actually...

BRADLEY COOPER

Oh my God! Am I so bad at my job that I couldn’t figure out your identity was totally fake? Why didn’t you just skip town the second you were released? The FBI didn’t know your real name so you could have gotten away clean.

AMY ADAMS

Because I care about Christian I guess. But mostly because the real life person my character is based on had all of jack shit to do with this entire plot in the true story.

BRADLEY COOPER

Hmm. Well I guess I better force myself on you now. Allow me to disarm you with my rape roar.

AMY ADAMS

Hitting you in your perm should put an end to that!

IT DOES. But CHRISTIAN arrives with a GUN just in case BRADLEY'S PERM decided to get ROUGH.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Jesus Amy, you told him your real name? Why?

AMY ADAMS

Vulnerability? Stupidity? Oscar gold? Take your pick.

BRADLEY COOPER

Christian, I have a plan to nab Robert De Niro. I just need to wire $2 million bucks into an account to bait him to bribe people with.

CHRISTIAN BALE

That’s a pretty risky plan. Can you clear that kind of huge money transfer with your boss Louis C.K.?

BRADLEY COOPER

Sure, I’ll just “talk” him into it.

BRADLEY talks to LOUIS C.K. with HIS FISTS and beats the WHITE off of him for his inability to finish a simple FISHING STORY.

BRADLEY COOPER

And done. We have the $2 million dollars.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Wait, aren’t you going to be fired or arrested for assaulting a fellow FBI agent?

BRADLEY COOPER

You will come to realize that consequences isn’t exactly a concept this movie is familiar with.

EXT. STILL IN THE 70’S

JENNIFER goes out on a date with thug JACK HUSTON and BLABS that CHRISTIAN is working with the government.

JACK HUSTON

Christian! That traitorous rat-bastard! Now the best thing to do would be to go pick him up in broad daylight and try to murder him in a car most likely connected to me while also sitting in the car right next to him and parked on a busy street also in broad daylight!

THIS HAPPENS.

CHRISTIAN BALE

(while being strangled)

Aaaaaaand I’m totally fucked.

INT. CHRISTIAN BALE’S HOUSE

CHRISTIAN BALE

Wait, I’m not totally fucked? How am I not totally fucked right now?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Because this movie doesn't have the balls to inject any sense of real danger into the story so you were able to simply talk murderous thugs out of killing you dead.

CHRISTIAN BALE

And apparently I took an extra 30 minutes to get home because I stopped to fix my come-over. I mean seriously, this thing should be completely wrecked by this point. Hey Jen, why are you wearing a bib?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I still have plenty more scenery to chew and I didn't want to get any on my Vera Wang blouse.

CHRISTIAN BALE

So are you going to admit you fucked up royally by opening your big stupid mouth and nearly getting me killed or will you learn nothing and continue being a mean spoiled jackass?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

That second one. And honestly, the fact you expect anything different from me really nasals my voice. You can't argue with crazy, so just admit that nearly getting you murdered was the right thing for me to do.

THIS HAPPENS because there is no more SCENERY for JENNIFER to CHEW.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Oh and by the way I’m leaving you for Jack.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Great, that only leaves me with 99 problems.

INT. ROBERT DE NIRO’S LAWYER’S OFFICE

CHRISTIAN, BRADLEY and AMY show up to record ROBERT taking BRIBES.

ROBERT’S LAWYER

Mr. De Niro isn’t here but I’ll gladly accept the $2 million dollars in bribe money on his behalf.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Bradley, I think this is a bad idea and we shouldn’t go through with it. But since you have a long standing history of doing the exact fucking opposite of what I tell you not to do--

BRADLEY COOPER

It’s a deal! I’m even going to use this mysterious woman that Amy introduced me to earlier to oversee the money transfer! There’s absolutely no way I can fuck this up and have it blow up in my face!

(transfers money)

CHRISTIAN BALE

You just fucked up, Bradley. That wasn’t really De Niro’s lawyer, he’s just some guy I hired. You’ve just been conned, son!

BRADLEY COOPER

Blast! Swindled by two professional swindlers! One of which I recently tried to force my penis into! How did I not see this coming?

AMY ADAMS

For the same reason you didn’t check to make sure that was really De Niro’s lawyer: you’re a major Grade AA+ Dipshit.

BRADLEY COOPER

It’s the role I was born to play.

CHRISTIAN and AMY arrange to have the $2 MILLION returned in exchange for immunity and a reduced sentence for JEREMY because they are huge HAWKEYE FANS.

AMY ADAMS

Now Christian and I are free of Jennifer, free of Bradley, and just plain free. Suck it U.S. justice system!

BRADLEY COOPER

Amy, when I wanted you to fuck me this isn’t what I meant. Do I at least get credit for taking down the congressmen who took bribes?

LOUIS C.K.

That’ll be a big quarter pounder of Hell No with cheese, Bradley.

BRADLEY COOPER

But... But this is fucking balls! For all my shortcomings I was actually trying to take down mobsters and corrupt officials while Christian and Amy stole from poor blue-collar people! And I get thrown under the bus while they get a happy ending? David, what the hell were you thinking when you wrote this?

DIRECTOR DAVID O. RUSSELL

Fap fap fap fap fap.

END