FADE IN:

EXT. CRIME CITY

In various locations across CRIME CITY, we see VIOLA DAVIS, MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ, ELIZABETH DEBICKI, and CARRIE COON busy living their NON-CRIMINAL LIVES, while their husbands LIAM NEESON, SOME GUY, SOME OTHER GUY, and JON BERNTHAL are busy living their CRIMINAL LIVES.

LIAM NEESON

Okay time for our next big heist! I need everyone sharp, you hear me Jon?

JON BERNTHAL

Hey I'm #ThePunisherS2 goddammit, and even more impressively I survived Baby Driver. Don't worry about me.

LIAM NEESON

I guess we're good! Get ready for... what's this movie called again? I assume it's something like "The Hugely Successful All-Husband Crime Gang"?

JON BERNTHAL

Let me check... uh oh.

They get CORNERED by COPS who have LOTS OF GUNS!

LIAM NEESON

Fuck! Everyone pile in the van! Especially you, ten-gallon vat of nitroglycerine! You too, leaky dynamite! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU BEHIND, PROPANE TANK

The van gets SHOT and FUCKING EXPLOOOODES like a FUCKING DEATH STAR so THAT'S IT FOR LIAM NEESON WE GUESS! YEP, HE SURE HAD NO WAY OUT OF THAT ONE!

MOVIE TRAILER

(spoils twist)

LIAM NEESON

Well thanks a fucking heap. Hope none of the main characters saw that!

Indeed they did NOT. And so, with their ORIGIN STORY neatly taken care of, the WIDOWS MOVIE can truly begin!

INT. LOW-INCOME-NEIGHBOURHOOD CAMPAIGN OFFICE

Rich corrupt politician COLIN FARRELL arrives for a serious talk with non-rich gang-leader politician BRIAN TYREE HENRY and his lurking right-hand man DANIEL KALUUYA.

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

You're gonna lose this election Colin. You inherited YOUR sleazy criminal empire, but I built MY sleazy criminal empire myself! Your illegal-shenanigans game can't begin to touch mine.

COLIN FARRELL

In a bizarre twist my character actually hates politics and wishes I could do anything else. But I won't, so prepare yourself for a barrage of sullen, my-heart's-not-really-in-it villainy!

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Tell you what. Let's get the main plot started, then we can relax and provide occasional evil and corruption from the sidelines until we eventually run out of movie. Sound good?

COLIN FARRELL

Sounds good.

DANIEL KALUUYA

(lurks)

INT. VIOLA DAVIS'S CONDO

VIOLA and her TINY DOG are busily grieving away when BRIAN shows up.

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Liam stole $2 million from me, so that's YOUR debt now. Pay me back or else!

(holds dog up by leash)

(orders "Old Yeller" on Amazon)

(hangs "Marley & Me" poster on wall)

VIOLA DAVIS

How am I supposed to come up with that kind of cash? I wasn't involved in any of Liam's shady business. Okay I watched "Taken 3" but other than that, NOTHING.

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

(rubs thumb and middle finger)

Oh look, it's the world's tiniest Viola playing just for you, heh heh. Y'know what, for making that pun I'm going to just disappear from this abridged script altogether. It will make zero difference.

EXT. CRIME CITY

VIOLA is picked up by her driver GARRET DILLAHUNT.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

I need to tell you something. Liam said that if he ever got super duper blown up, I should give you this key. He also said to please have some flashback scenes with him in it, to try and make people think the role of Dead Guy was substantial enough to land Liam Neeson.

VIOLA DAVIS

(nods)

(has flashback)

VIOLA uses the KEY to open a safety deposit box containing LIAM'S CRIME JOURNAL which is full of notes and records and has a bright yellow cover saying "HIGH-STAKES HEISTS FOR DUMMIES".

VIOLA DAVIS

This is it, this is how I can get the $2 million! But I'm gonna need help. Garret, find me the names of the other Widows.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

If your plan is gonna involve doing crime, maybe you should consider hiring some professional criminals? Who have actual crime skills, instead of whatever random occupations the other Widows have?

VIOLA DAVIS

Hey for all we know this whole heist could hinge on setting up a kickass Point-Of-Sale display, gotta cover our bases.

INT. SAUNA ROOM - PUBLIC SPA

VIOLA arranges to meet MICHELLE and ELIZABETH in the SAUNA.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

This better be good. Thanks to our idiot husbands I've lost my dingy beat-up store! If only I could be part of some multi-million-dollar heist, maybe I could get back my scuzzy piece of shit store!

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

Things aren't great for me either. I went to my Mom for help and within ten seconds she was all "Hey I know, why not whore yourself out!". She had me signed up on Spoogify before I could even blink.

VIOLA DAVIS

We need to team up and crime our way out of this. I figured the first step should be, we all meet in a public place where anyone could wander in, see us together, overhear our plan.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Okay we've done that. Now what?

VIOLA DAVIS

Next we all meet at my hideout spot in secret. It's a secure place where people can't just wander in, see us together, or overhear our plan. Maybe we should have started with that step.

INT. RECREATIONAL CENTRE

Meanwhile, DANIEL finds two traitorous members of TERRY'S GANG as they hide in a wooden box while BEATBOXING, having narrowly missed them when they were hiding in an OIL DRUM while BLARING DUBSTEP.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Hey guys. I'm actually glad you sold us out to Liam's gang. Gives me a chance to demonstrate my scary-ass motherfucker stare.

(stares)

RAPPER GUY

Shit that really is scary, it's like they Get Out-ed a fucking viper brain into your head.

(killed)

BEATBOX GUY

You wanna do the thing where you tell me to run, and then shoot my back? Sure it's a cliche but I've always wanted to

(killed)

DANIEL KALUUYA

I sense there's more shit going on here, so I'm gonna get to the bottom of it through sneaky, careful observation. And THEN, when the time's just right, I will strike in the most deadly, ruthless way imaginable!

(lurks)

You'll see.

(lurks)

INT. VIOLA'S AGENTS OF W.I.D.O.W. HEADQUARTERS

VIOLA gathers the WIDOWS so she can hand out some IMPORTANT TASKS for prepping the HEIST.

VIOLA DAVIS

Michelle, since you're a small retail business owner, it's your job to decipher these unlabelled blueprints.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

How the fuck am I gonna-

VIOLA DAVIS

Elizabeth's job is to acquire guns and a van, since she's the only one of us who can't drive.

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

It would be pretty nuts if it turned out I could magically accomplish Michelle's task, when I'm literally the only person who CAN'T accomplish MY task.

VIOLA DAVIS

Well we don't want this to be too easy, so let's try the futile way first. Cool?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Cool, because I just realized that this next subplot is all about me, unlike the rest of the movie which is SO VERY MUCH NOT.

INT. HUGE MEANDERING SUBPLOT

MICHELLE manages to figure out the name of the company that made the blueprint, goes there undercover to gain access to company records, finds the architect's name, tracks down his home and interviews him under false pretences, turns out it was the guy's WIFE who did the blueprints and she's DEAD, and MICHELLE admits HER spouse is dead too and they start MAKING OUT until finally MICHELLE decides OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH SIDEBAR, THERE'S ONLY SO MANY MINUTES IN A TWO-HOUR RUNNING TIME AFTER ALL.

DANIEL KALUUYA

(lurks)

EXT. VACANT LOT

COLIN FARRELL is doing a campaign event!

COLIN FARRELL

I'm happy to announce this community improvement project, which means I'm either pure evil or a superhero, those being the only sources of community improvement projects in movies. Thanks everyone!

HARD-NOSED REPORTER

Not so fast! I'm an intrepid dogged reporter who's gonna play a vital part in exposing all your nefarious

(falls down hole)

COLIN and his ASSISTANT get into his CAR while the CAMERA mounts itself on the HOOD, facing the TINTED FRONT WINDOW, with the CAR filling half the frame. It remains locked into this angle as the CAR makes the long drive back to COLIN'S place.

COLIN FARRELL

(inside car)

God I hate stupid goddamn politics. Everything sucks. Fuck this. Hey wait, nobody can see me.

(pause)

Ooo, my internal struggle! I must emote SO POWERFULLY about my deep personal conflicts! Despite my matter-of-fact voice, my face and eyes are emoting THE FUCK out of this, isn't that right, Assistant?!?

ASSISTANT

Sorry wasn't listening, I was busy trying to sell this scene to Google Maps.

INT. VIOLA'S CONDO

VIOLA is busily shredding the MARLEY & ME poster when she gets a call from DANIEL.

DANIEL KALUUYA

(on phone)

Hey Viola, I just wanted to remind you what'll happen if you don't get the money in time. To illustrate what'll happen if you don't get the money in time, I've killed Garret, which greatly hinders your chances of getting the money in time. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got lurking to do.

(lurks)

VIOLA DAVIS

How are you lurking over the phone?

DANIEL KALUUYA

(lurking intensifies)

VIOLA searches for a new DRIVER and after striking out with MINNIE and ADAM, she goes to CARRIE COON'S place to try and recruit her.

CARRIE COON

Oh gosh, I'd Liam to help you but I'm up to my Neckson in having to LIAM after the baby who's always coughing and SNEESON and also the bank called to say I'M FUCKING LIAM AND HE'S ALIVE AND IN THE NEXT ROOM so you understand why I have to refuse ha ha byeeee

(slams door)

VIOLA DAVIS

Well shit.

(has inner emotional breakdown)

(composes self)

That sucks.

INT. THE BEST WIDOW WAREHOUSE IN CRIME CITY

At the next meeting MICHELLE arrives along with CYNTHIA ERIVO.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Since we need a wheelwidow I brought my tough-as-nails babysitter with me.

VIOLA DAVIS

Hm. So, are you a widow?

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Nope.

VIOLA DAVIS

Professional criminal?

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Nope.

VIOLA DAVIS

Stunt driver?!?

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Nope.

VIOLA DAVIS

So why should I-

CYNTHIA ERIVO

(displays ATTITUDE)

VIOLA DAVIS

You're hired.

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

(entering)

Great news! My exclusive asshole client just so happened to spot the blueprints and was luckily able to tell us exactly what building it is! And it just so happens to be Colin Farrell's place!

VIOLA DAVIS

Right, let's check that out before we learn he's also Spiderman's date's father or some shit.

EXT. MEANWHILE ON A BOAT

COLIN and LIAM are on a BOAT!

COLIN FARRELL

Nice job faking your death to steal those millions of dollars. But now I need some millions.

LIAM NEESON

Don't worry, soon I'll steal some millions from Viola after she steals millions from you and I'll have plenty millions to pay the millions I owe you from stealing those millions. We good?

COLIN FARRELL

Honestly I have utterly lost track of this whole fucking thing. If only I gave a shit.

INT. COLIN'S FANCY HOUSE

VIOLA arranges a meeting with COLIN to give her a chance to scope out the place.

ASSISTANT

Hello! Colin will be free soon. In the meantime would you mind waiting next to this CONCEALED SAFE DOOR? Could I ask our ONE AND ONLY SECURITY GUARD to get you some coffee? Do you take milk or A LASER-BASED MOTION DETECTION SYSTEM CONTROLLED BY THIS WALL-MOUNTED PANEL?

VIOLA DAVIS

I am the world's greatest detective.

DANIEL KALUUYA

(lurks)

Having gathered the information she needed, VIOLA leaves to do her next task.

VIOLA DAVIS

Now that it's only hours until the big heist, guess it's FINALLY time to blackmail Matt Walsh to get the access code for the safe, which we could have done the second Liz told us it was Colin's safe. I sure hope he's not out of town, or simply unavailable for any number of normal mundane reasons! That sure would fuck everything up, ha ha.

Luckily she reaches MATT and blackmails him for the CODE.

MATT WALSH

Here you go. Please note how the code only uses digits that can be read either right-side up or upside-down. Plus I made sure to write "1" as a basic straight line to keep it 100% symmetrical!

VIOLA DAVIS

Thanks, our high-stakes intense dramatic heist could use a wacky sight gag.

EXT. HEIST NIGHT

It's HEIST NIGHT! Aided by CYNTHIA'S expert use of the SPEED FORCE, the WIDOWS tase their way past security, open the safe, and grab several bagfuls of money BUT THEN!

ROBERT DUVALL

(barging in)

Not so fast! I'm playing Colin's Dad and I'm even MORE evil, sleazy, and corrupt than he is! You're not gonna want to trade shots with ME, I tells ya!

(shoots Elizabeth)

(is shot)

I did not think that through.

(dies)

The WIDOWS reach their GETAWAY VAN, but DANIEL is waiting for them!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Finally, my lurking has paid off! I'll take the money and the van, thanks. And now for the ruthless, deadly strike that my evil gaze has promised all movie long... where I patiently wait for you to all get out and then drive away at a reasonable speed.

(does so)

Lum tee tum.

But the WIDOWS all pile into their OTHER CAR and RAM DANIEL into a POLE!

DANIEL KALUUYA

I did not think that through.

(dies)

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Nice going Viola! Hey, should we plant the gun on Daniel, make it look like this was his job and he shot Robert Duvall?

VIOLA DAVIS

Nah, I'm sure we'll find another bad guy to frame before the movie ends. Now quick, you all get Liz to hospital while I handle all the money myself, everyone's cool with that right okay byeeee

INT. W.I. DOW COMMAND CENTRE ACTION PLAYSET

VIOLA arrives at the warehouse and is confronted by LIAM!

VIOLA DAVIS

Well hello there shithead. How about you explain yourself before I demonstrate a special set of skills on your nuts.

LIAM NEESON

Don't you understand, I can't get over the death of our son! Nothing's worse than losing a loved one! So naturally I came up with a plan to make you think you lost ANOTHER loved one, because I'm sensitive that way.

VIOLA DAVIS

Why'd you leave me that stupid notebook?

LIAM NEESON

It's got plans to steal $5 million worth of shit, I figured you could trade it in exchange for wiping out your $2 million debt. I'm still not sure why that didn't work. Now give me that money!

(throws Viola to ground)

There, now I can take all this money without any need to see what Viola's doing. Let's organize this into neat piles while I assume she continues to simply accept her fate and lie quietly behind me...

(is shot)

Hey! Ow! Didn't you read the Excalibur script?! I only lose to Batman... MINIMUM...

(dies)

VIOLA DAVIS

Looks like you can add black Widow to the list, asshole.

VIOLA leaves the DUVALL-KILLING GUN, takes the CASH and escapes!

INT. DINER - DAYS LATER

Everything is now awesome! VIOLA has lunch at the diner and sees ELIZABETH.

VIOLA DAVIS

Hi Liz. I know we said we'd never talk again after the heist, but I realize now that the TRUE biggest score... is friendship. How are you?

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

Pretty good! I was just wondering how long it'll take Colin to piece together that he was robbed soon after you, the wife of a career criminal, visited him.

VIOLA DAVIS

Yeah he's probably keeping tabs on me right now.

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

And now you're openly talking with me, who bought the van they found Daniel dead in, the night of the robbery. AND who showed up in the ER with a gunshot wound that same night.

VIOLA DAVIS

But don't forget I framed Liam, and everyone knows he always worked totally alone! Oh wait.

COLIN'S GOONS

(pump diner full of bullets)

VIOLA DAVIS

(dead)

Shit. Anyone got Captain Marvel on pager?

END