Hell hath no fury like Nicole Kidman playing a character that's close to her actual age.

THE BEGUILED

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. 1864 VIRGINIA THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE SOUTH LOUISIANA

OONA LAURENCE is humming and picking mushrooms when she comes across a wounded UNION SOLDIER, COLIN FARRELL.

OONA LAURENCE

Oh no! A wounded man. My braids and heart of gold want me to help you walk back to our all female school.

COLIN FARRELL

There aren't any men in this school?

OONA LAURENCE

Oh no. We wouldn't be able to build an atmosphere based entirely on intense female sexual repression if there had been any men around here.

COLIN FARRELL

What about the setting... you know? The Civil Wa-

OONA LAURENCE

Oh no we hardly mention that. And besides,

(actual line)

all the slaves have left.

COLIN FARRELL

Left? Or possibly murdered? That seems like a gross misrepresentation of history.

OONA LAURENCE

Colin, they left, okay. Don't overthink anything that has to do with anything involving the Civil War at all okay? Otherwise it will interfere with the theme: being really horny.

COLIN FARRELL

Right. A movie that takes place in the Civil War about pent-up sexual desire. Got it.

OONA helps COLIN walk back to her school.

INT. NICOLE KIDMAN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE A PLANTATION IN SOUTH LOUISIANA

NICOLE KIDMAN

A man!? Oona! You usually bring us wounded birds, not men! Strong jawed, dreamy eyed, handsome men. Well I supposed it would be the Christian thing to do to help him back to health before he dies.

KIRSTEN DUNST

That's right. It's Christian.

ELLE FANNING

I want to have sex with that man.

KIRSTEN DUNST

Rein it in Elle. We're proper Christian southern ladies.

NICOLE KIDMAN

That's right. He'll probably die anyway. Bring him in.

NICOLE dresses his wound and then gives him a bath and explodes into pheromones by looking at his thighs and chest. KIRSTEN DUNST comes in wearing a neck pin.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Oh my. A NECK PIN. Aren't you being trendy. This wouldn't have to do with Colin, would it?

KIRSTEN DUNST

Oh, do you think this is too subtle to get Colin's attention?

COLIN overhears this and decides to beguile KIRSTEN.

COLIN FARRELL

You and that spot just above your tightly pinched shirt are stunning. Run away with me.

KIRSTEN DUNST

I certainly will!

COLIN FARRELL

Why would you so suddenly agree? Why do you feel like an outcast in this place? What's your story?

KIRSTEN DUNST

Oh no, Colin. No background stories in this movie. In the book, my character has mixed racial heritage which would add some depth to my character as well as possibly explain why I so eagerly want to leave the south and also why I feel oddly loyal to Nicole. But we don't know any of that.

COLIN FARRELL

Why would Sofia Coppola want to knock out the people of color in a movie about the South during the Civil War?

KIRSTEN DUNST

She said she wanted everybody to be white.

COLIN FARRELL

Wow really? So, any more insight as to the purpose of this movie?

KIRSTEN DUNST

Well, according to Sofia, she doesn't recall movies about the Civil War that dealt with the women who were left behind.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I know I have never seen or been in a movie about that. I feel like there is another classic movie about the same thing... what was the name of it again? Oh fiddle dee dee, as God as my witness I'll think about it tomorrow.

NICOLE reads the Bible to the ladies and ELLE escapes to kiss COLIN. LATER, some Confederate soldiers come and because timelines are for pussies, COLIN is healed, but NOBODY wants him to leave so NICOLE decides again that the CHRISTIAN thing to do would be not to turn him in. NICOLE and COLIN talk in PRIVATE.

COLIN FARRELL

So what's your story?

NICOLE KIDMAN

In the original, I'm a slave owner who was fucking her brother.

COLIN FARRELL

Wow.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yeah, that was too heavy for this movie. So all we know is that I used to be married and now I'm not and I really get the vapors whenever I look at your chest.

COLIN beguiles her by saying how strong and resilient she is. More vapors.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Thank you Colin. Say, now that you're healthy, why aren't you leaving?

COLIN FARRELL

Well as an Irish immigrant, I was paid to be a soldier for the Union. Then I bailed on them. So basically I need to stay away from both armies.

NICOLE KIDMAN

So would you like to do some landscaping around here then?

HE DOES. And the sense of time is LOST AGAIN. NICOLE propositions him and he turns her down. He then tells KIRSTEN he will go to her bed that night but he goes to ELLE'S room and KIRSTEN finds them fucking.

COLIN FARRELL

DAMMIT!! How would I get busted on the exact night I promised another woman I would bang her, and then go into another woman's room instead, when there could have been plenty of nights to screw everybody happy?

KIRSTEN DUNST

Yeah, for a skilled beguiler, you really do suck at understanding days of the week.

KIRSTEN tosses COLIN down the stairs in ANGER.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Welp, there's nothing left to do but chop off his leg!

KIRSTEN DUNST

REALLY? The bone is broken pretty badly, but that seems excessive.

NICOLE KIDMAN

My anger towards his rejection has really upset my apple cart. And made me very skilled in the amputation of major body parts. Get the anatomy book.

KIRSTEN stands by while NICOLE removes COLIN'S leg and the ladies plop it into a hole they dug. An unknowable amount of time passes as usual and COLIN wakes up. He yells and freaks the fuck out off camera for a while. NICOLE keeps him locked in a room but he gets NICOLE'S gun and some booze.

COLIN FARRELL

I'm in charge now mother fuckers! You fucking butchered me like sadistic pigs and I will make you all pay!

This woos KIRSTEN into fucking him immediately in another room. While they are doing that, the other ladies develop a plan.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Well there is nothing to do now but kill him.

OONA LAURENCE

I'll get poisonous mushrooms to cook for him.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Whoa, how did you become so jaded?

OONA LAURENCE

The bastard killed my pet bird.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yep, that asshole will pay!

COLIN joins them for dinner, in an alarmingly ignorant attempt to apologize for his rage and threats that happened only moments before. KIRSTEN is wearing a scandalous off the shoulder gown.

KIRSTEN DUNST

Guess what everybody? We are going to go away and get married. So you can just put away any plans you may have made. Because we're leaving, so there is no point to in destroying the innocence of every other young lady in this room.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Have some mushrooms, Colin.

HE DOES. And then he DIES almost immediately. The ladies take the opportunity to make sewing him into a body bag a sewing lesson. KIRSTEN instructs the girls on how to do this properly even though she was going to marry him about two minutes ago.

KIRSTEN DUNST

And that's the end. Sofia Coppola's movie about women in the Civil War is about horny white women becoming vile subjugators without any consequences.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Well if anybody could make a movie set in the most heinous time in American history and make it entirely about privileged white people, it would be Sofia Coppola.

END

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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