FADE IN:

EXT. THE TOWN OF CASTLE ROCK PICO MUNDO

ANTON YELCHIN V.O.

My name is Odd Thomas, a bargain bin Harry Dresden from Stephen King's Number 1 Fanboy, Dean Koontz. Welcome to my feature film debut from the blisteringly untalented director of such films as Van Helsing and G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra! Jesus, all we need is a soundtrack by Smash Mouth and we'll win mediocrity bingo. Anyway, I see dead people. But by God, I do something about it!

ANTON sees some DEAD LADY and follows her around town until he bumps into MATTHEW PAGE.

MATTHEW PAGE

Hey Anton! How's it hanging, buddy?

ANTON YELCHIN

You raped and murdered the woman who's vengeful spirit stands beside me. You keep a square of felt in your pocket, caked with her blood.

MATTHEW PAGE

Ha ha! Oh, you're a real cutup, Chekov! But seriously,

(runs, like a guilty person)

ANTON chases MATTHEW through town, eventually crashing into some family's POOL PARTY. MATTHEW tries to use a SMALL CHILD as a human shield but ANTON (barely) manages to knock him out!

WILLEM DAFOE

Jesus, Anton, again with this shit? As police chief of this sleepy little California burb that's inexplicably lousy with serial killers, I simply cannot abide you taking the law into your own hands!

ANTON YELCHIN

I couldn't just sit by and let Matthew get away!

WILLEM DAFOE

He had no fucking idea you were onto him until you came up to him and told him to his face. Seriously, how the fuck is any of this supposed to hold up in court? You could have just told me about the bloody felt patch in his pocket and I could have quietly arrested him at home, instead of presumably letting our only piece of evidence get destroyed when you tackled him into that pool and gave this guy plenty of legal ammo to declare a mistrial.

ANTON YELCHIN

Well I caught him, didn't I?

WILLEM DAFOE

You sure did, buddy. And it only endangered the lives of like thirty party-goers, traumatized a small child, and caused thousands of dollars of damage to this extremely lovely home.

ANTON YELCHIN

No need to thank me!

WILLEM DAFOE

I'm not.

ANTON goes to work at the KRUSTY KRAB.

ANTON YELCHIN V.O.

Yup, I'm a fry cook by day, a supernatural detective by night. In addition to my vaguely defined powers of speaking to the dead, juggling weightless CGI pancakes and engaging in cutesy diner lingo, I can also see sentient black jizz monsters called "Bodachs" which feed off violence and fear. They can't affect things in our world, except for earlier in a flashback where they totally caused a car wreck, and later in the movie where they appear to physically wrestle with me. But for the most part they just dick around and look Scooby Doo-spooky. Oh look, there's some now.

ANTON watches as dozens of Bodachs circle around SHULER HENSLEY, an acne-riddled, crazy-haired gentlemen who looks like he STABS HOBOS in his SPARE TIME.

ANTON YELCHIN V.O.

Wow, my Bodach-sense is telling me that Shuler guy is probably a bit unbalanced. A cursory glance at the way he's sniffing that salt shaker probably could have told me the same thing but whatever. I'm going to follow him.

He DOES. Because apparently his job doesn't have REGULAR HOURS or anything. He is followed outside by waitress GUGU MBATHA-RAW.

GUGU MBATHA-RAW

Anton, I need to tell you something. I've been having dreams-

ANTON YELCHIN

Sorry, give me a moment. My brain just makes a little static noise whenever I read your name.

GUGU MBATHA-RAW

Fuck you.

ANTON YELCHIN

Okay, now I'm good. What's up?

GUGU MBATHA-RAW

I've been having prescient dreams that someone's going to shoot up a place with tons of bowling alley employees. Because apparently there just so happen to be two psychics working at the same diner.

ANTON YELCHIN

Hmm....wherever could that be? Perhaps some kind of alley....where people bowl...fuck it, I'm sure Mr. Koontz will drop some blatant hints into my lap before shit gets real. Anyway, I'm off to follow that chubby creeper with all the black ghosts floating around him. Later, Gugu.

INT. MALL

ANTON YELCHIN V.O.

One of my other powers that I sometimes have is something I call "psychic magnetism". It's where, if I focus on someone and just wander randomly, I will eventually bump into them, much like a normal person would in a small town. Oh look, Shuler just stumbled into the ice cream shop where my girlfriend works!

Sure enough, ANTON's girlfriend, a wax dummy of ADDISON TIMLIN, is working at the ICE CREAM PARLOR where SHULER is shopping.

ANTON YELCHIN

Hey babe, I'm secretly tracking that creepy guy who just came in here. Did you see him?

ADDISON TIMLIN

You mean the stumbling guy currently holding like four gallons of ice cream while smelling the tires on one of the display cars over in the center of the mall, attracting many stares from passersby?

ANTON YELCHIN

Yeah, he's got Bodachs on him.

ADDISON TIMLIN

No shit, Sherlock. That guy looks like he bites the heads off rats. Oh well, it looks like we've got one of Dean Koontz's patented Red Herrings You Can See From Space on our hands. You gonna sic Willem on him?

ANTON YELCHIN

Yes. Except no. I'm going to follow him myself.

ADDISON TIMLIN

You are so incredibly stupid.

ANTON YELCHIN

And you're a worse actress than Britney Spears and January Jones combined. Seriously, make your face do something. Stop smirking all the time. Try talking into the microphone. Like a third of your lines are almost inaudible because your voice is so bland.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Eat a dick, Charlie Bartlett.

INT. UNABOMBER SHACK

ANTON follows SHULER to his HOUSE and sneaks inside.

ANTON YELCHIN

Hmm... if only there was some incriminating piece of evidence I could use to prove that Shuler's a creepy guy who could shoot bowlers.

ANTON finds a fucking SHRINE to famous SERIAL KILLERS with extensive photographs of the CRIME SCENES and several FILES on FAMOUS KILLINGS, including one with SHULER'S NAME on it labeled with tomorrow's DATE.

ANTON YELCHIN

Nope, nothing here that could possibly hold up in court. Oh look, more Bodachs and a portal to hell.

ANTON approaches the ANUS OF DOOM and sticks his FUCKING HAND INSIDE.

ANTON YELCHIN

Aaaand jump scare in three....two.....

ANTON gets CAUGHT! He pulls himself FREE and runs away as BODACHS chase him.

EXT. BARBECUE AT WILLEM'S HOUSE

ANTON talks to WILLEM.

ANTON YELCHIN

Willem, you need to arrest Shuler Hensley. He's covered in Bodachs which is probably a bad sign.

WILLEM DAFOE

You mean those ghost things that you're never supposed to talk about so they don't suspect that you can see them?

ANTON YELCHIN

Yes. I've never told anyone about them. Except you. And Addison. And Gugu, I think. And anyone who overheard me while I openly discussed them with Addison in a crowded mall earlier in the movie.

WILLEM DAFOE

Well, I can't exactly arrest a man for being covered in ghosts. Now if you could prove he had some sort of serial killer shrine, or maybe a file that suggested he was planning on doing some serial killing of his own, that would be plenty of reason to detain this guy for a day or two. But if being generally creepy was a crime I'd have been tossed in prison long ago. Also I got a date tonight and police work is hard. Sorry, kid.

ANTON YELCHIN

So earlier you begged me to be more open about my supernatural suspicions with you and now that I'm doing exactly that you're telling me you'd rather get laid than follow up on this lead?

WILLEM DAFOE

That's the gist of it.

ANTON YELCHIN

Well fuck it, I'm going on a date too.

INT. CHURCH

Yep, rather than INVESTIGATE the MASS MURDER of BOWLING ALLEY EMPLOYEES that's going to happen TOMORROW, ANTON decides to have a PICNIC with ADDISON in a church for some reason. But SHULER appears!

ANTON YELCHIN

I sure hope you can run better than you can act!

They escape on ANTON's MOTORCYCLE while SHULER tears apart the CHURCH. ANTON calls WILLEM.

ANTON YELCHIN

(on phone)

Willem, I hate to interrupt you mid-boinking session but Shuler just chased me and Addison through a church! He's tearing it apart as we speak!

WILLEM DAFOE

(on phone, while also inside his wife)

Sorry Anton, I'll send some creepy-ass cops to do a half-assed investigation into a local bowling alley, but apart from that there's nothing I can do.

ANTON YELCHIN

Okay, seriously, you are the worst cop.

WILLEM DAFOE

And you're the worst ghostbuster. But hey, maybe the murderers will turn out to be terrible at their jobs too and everything will work out great.

ANTON and ADDISON to to the bowling alley and meet the CREEPY ASS COPS, NICO TORTORELLA and KYLE MCKEEVER.

NICO TORTORELLA

So you're the shrimpy weirdo who's forcing good police like myself and Mr. McKeever here to take time out of our busy schedules and do actual police work.

ANTON YELCHIN

Yeah, basically. There might be a mass killing tomorrow. It's kind of your job to prevent shit like that.

KYLE MCKEEVER

Whatever, nerd.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Hey Nico, what's that "POD" tattoo on your arm mean?

NICO TORTORELLA

Nuthin'.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Really?

NICO TORTORELLA

Yeah.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Nothing at all?

NICO TORTORELLA

Nope.

ADDISON TIMLIN

So why is the camera getting closeups of it? And why are we wasting time discussing it?

NICO TORTORELLA

Maybe it's another Dean Koontz Red Herring?

ADDISON TIMLIN

Two whole red herrings in one story? That's far too complex for a Koontz joint. Oh look, a girl getting eaten by dogs.

YEP, some blond girl gets EATEN by goddam ROTTWEILERS nearby. This finally rouses WILLEM from his PORKING SESSION. He sets up a PERIMETER at the crime scene.

WILLEM DAFOE

Alright folks, listen up. This girl here went missing earlier today shortly after leaving the barbecue at my house with Kyle McKeever, a skeezy, weird, violent police officer who I barely trust and who's been trying to hamper my investigation into tomorrow's purported mass killing. She was also eaten by the dogs we saw at Shuler Hensley's place. Even the most brain dead jackass could probably see that Kyle is obviously in cahoots with Shuler and probably also Nico because of the weird tattoo thing this case in unsolvable and there's nothing anyone can do. Now I'm going to go home, finish porking my wife, and get shot by a masked stranger.

He DOES.

ANTON YELCHIN

Who could've done this!

INT. ANTON'S APARTMENT

With time running out, ANTON and ADDISON decide to GO HOME and CUDDLE for a bit.

ANTON YELCHIN V.O.

Man, this has been a terrible day. Seriously, Gugu's predicting doom, Willem's been shot, Addison exists, some random lady got eaten by a dog, those two cops with the weird tattoos don't trust me, and there's a dead body in my bath tub. I really hope that wait what?

Yep, SHULER'S DEAD AND BLOATED CORPSE is chilling out in ANTON'S BATH TUB.

ANTON YELCHIN

Holy shit, he's been dead for at least a day! He must've been a ghost when he attacked me at the church earlier! And now someone's trying to frame me for his murder! By dragging his corpse into my apartment in the middle of the night and plopping it into my bathtub, presumably leaving tons of forensic evidence along the way. It's the perfect set up!

ANTON decides to do the smart thing and call Willem's wife and calmly explain to her that he's been set up leave the body as-is just so he can get through tomorrow and stop the massacre discretely hide the body in a hole somewhere toss the BODY over his FRONT PORCH, awaking the NEIGHBORS with his wacky SLAPSTICK NOISES, then driving it all the way to an ABANDONED PRISON for no reason.

ANTON YELCHIN

Oh shit! Shuler's got the same "POD" tattoo as those two cops! And I literally just remembered I once had a run in with a Satanic cult who also had "POD" tattoos because "POD" stands for Prince of Darkness! Seriously! I literally just remembered that! Nico and Kyle are in on the plan!!

INT. MALL, THE NEXT DAY

ANTON YELCHIN

So any minute now this town could erupt into horrible violence. The police chief is in the hospital with a bullet in his sternum, two cops are planning a mass killing and, holy shit, you're going to WORK??

ADDISON TIMLIN

Yeah. What's the big deal?

ANTON YELCHIN

Oh I can't think of a single reason why you'd want to avoid a huge crowded mall that some potential mass murderers were snooping around not one day before. No seriously, I honestly can't seem to think of a reason. Have fun sweetie.

(they kiss)

ANTON goes to the mall and discovers that a bunch of BOWLING ALLEY EMPLOYEES are getting lunch together in the MIDDLE of the WORKDAY at a MALL that's on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.

ANTON YELCHIN

Holy shit! That ludicrously implausible little lunch date has proven that this is the place where shit's going to go down! Psychic plot convenience magnetism don't fail me now!

ANTON wanders randomly through the mall's maintenance corridors and is JUST IN TIME to BRAIN KYLE with a BASEBALL BAT! And FAR TOO LATE to stop NICO from OPENING FIRE on the ICE CREAM PARLOR! ANTON grabs KYLE'S gun and runs at NICO.

ANTON YELCHIN

I am so lucky that guy can't aim for shit!!

NICO TORTORELLA

And I'm super lucky that Bodachs are suddenly capable of wrestling with you. Get him, my pretties, while I take like twenty minutes to reload!

ANTON wrestles his way through the BODACH SWARM, firing randomly and shouting, which to any MALL COPS standing nearby must make him look FUCKING INSANE. He manages to kill NICO!

ANTON YELCHIN

Thank god, we're safe. Except, wait, is Addison okay??

ADDISON TIMLIN

(covered in blood, smiling sadly, not talking, like a ghost)

ANTON YELCHIN

Yay! She's fine! She's perfect forever and nothing could possibly go wrong!

ANTON spends the next few weeks recovering, being a local hero, and chilling out with ADDISON who suddenly CANNOT TALK.

ANTON YELCHIN

Which is a fantastic improvement in my opinion. Now if only you could move your face.

ADDISON TIMLINE

(extends middle finger)

WILLEM DAFOE

Anton, it's time to let Addison go. She was literally the only casualty when that psycho opened fire on that crowded ice cream parlor with an automatic rifle. God does NOT want this woman alive.

ANTON YELCHIN

Shit, you're right, she's dead. Sorry babe. Check back in when you've had some acting lessons.

ADDISON TIMLIN

(ascends to heaven while making jerk off motions)

ANTON YELCHIN

Alright, now it's time for me to live a long and prosperous life so I can be worthy of reuniting with Addison in the afterlife! First thing I'm going to do is punch Dean Koontz in the dick!

DEAN KOONTZ

Hey, look, this movie was a shitpile but I'm actually a half decent author. There's nothing wrong with writing pulpy airport novels, I've got legions of fans and-

ANTON YELCHIN

You're Stephen King except with worse dialogue, and that's SAYING something.

DEAN KOONTZ

Oh screw you guys, I've got so many books I could probably-

(gets psychically dick punched)

END