FADE IN:

EXT. MEDIEVAL VILLAGE

AMANDA SEYFRIED and SHILOH FERNANDEZ are in the WOODS, not quite FUCKING YET.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

What am I going to do, Shiloh?  I am in love with you, but my parents want me to marry Max Irons!  God it's so hard being pretty and beloved by everyone!  I wish I were as plain as all of other girls my age who were cast in the movie to make me look even prettier by comparison!

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

You think you have it bad?  I'm apparently the fucking inventor of hair gel, but I'm still stuck cutting wood for a living!

Suddenly, the town's WOLF ALARM goes off.  AMANDA and SHILOH head to the TOWN SQUARE.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Holy crap, is this really the set we're going with?  We may as well just let the camera pan too far off to the side and pick up the doors to the sound stage.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Amanda!  Your sister has been killed by the wolf, violating our town agreement that it only eat livestock!  It was extremely difficult getting a CGI animal to sign a legal document with his paws, so this is especially devastating!

BILLY BURKE

I'm so sorry honey, but if it makes you feel better, you were always the pretty one.  By which I mean, the one with the most perfectly spherical head.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Thanks, Dad.  Wait, are you Billy Burke?  What the hell, does your agent hate you or something?

BILLY BURKE

Catherine Hardwicke told me she was making another Twilight movie.  By the time I noticed Kristin Stewart wasn't on set, I had already signed the contract, so here I am.

GARY OLDMAN arrives with SOLDIERS and a GIANT METAL ELEPHANT.

LUKAS HAAS

It's famous werewolf-hunter and almost-always-a-villain Gary Oldman!

GARY OLDMAN

Indeed!  Let me tell you all a story!  Once upon a time, there was a werewolf!  Then I killed it!  The end. I'll be in my trailer.

AMANDA is confronted by MAX IRONS.

MAX IRONS

Amanda, are we going to marry or not?  Just after your sister's murder seems like a great time to discuss this!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Woe is me, fought over by the only two boys in the village who aren't doing an impression of "Simple Jack."  How will I decide?

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

I wear black!

MAX IRONS

I wear brown!

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

My hair is spikier!

MAX IRONS

Yeah but mine is more tousled!

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

That's about the extent of our characterizations!

MAX IRONS

Yes it is!  Now choose, Amanda!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

You guys make Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner look like award-winning thespians.

GARY OLDMAN calls a town meeting.

GARY OLDMAN

Your werewolf lives in town, and everyone is a suspect.  It'll be like that game that you have to play at parties hosted by people who don't stock their fridges with enough booze.  Anyway, our first clue is that the werewolf has brown eyes!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Literally every single person in this movie other than me has brown eyes.  That even includes my grandmother, famous blue-eyed actress Julie Christie.  Speaking of her, I should go visit her to keep up the illusion that this movie is related in some way to the Little Red Riding Hood fairytale.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

In the meantime, I think the town should have a sexy rave scene!  It worked so well in The Matrix Reloaded!

The TOWN dances to the most natural music to underscore an 18th century village setting, TECHNO.

INT. JULIE CHRISTIE'S CABIN

AMANDA visits her GRANDMOTHER, JULIE CHRISTIE.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Grandmother, what big eyes you have!

JULIE CHRISTIE

Coming from Amanda Seyfried, that means something. Er I mean, the better to roll at the dialogue in this movie, my dear!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Grandmother, what big ears you have!

JULIE CHRISTIE

The better to hear whatever is playing in the adjacent theater, my dear.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Grandmother, what big teeth you have!

JULIE CHRISTIE

The better to gnaw my fucking wrist off if this movie runs longer than 90 minutes, my dear!  By the way, I made you a red cloak.  It's about 50 feet long so it is of no practical use, please wear it at all times.

AMANDA takes the CLOAK and heads back to TOWN, posing against the SNOW along the way until the MOVIE TRAILER is complete.

EXT. MEDIEVAL VILLAGE

Suddenly, there is a CGI WEREWOLF ATTACK in the village!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Oh no, a werewolf!  Set wide-eyed bewilderment facial expression to full power!

WEREWOLF

Amanda, come away with me. You can help me find and kill the special effects guys that rendered me this way.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

God dammit, is there anyone in this town who DOESN'T want me to run away with them?

GARY OLDMAN shoots arrows at the WEREWOLF and it flees.

GARY OLDMAN

This harlot speaks to the wolf!  We must sacrifice the foul witch!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Damn Gary, did you bring any bread with your ham and cheese?  What the hell are you even doing in this crapfest?

GARY OLDMAN

Oh, not a fan of my acting?  Maybe I should take some lessons from the Seyfried School of Acting, where emotions are conveyed exclusively by how wide open one's mouth is.

GARY makes AMANDA wear an ANTEATER MASK and ties her up as BAIT.  AMANDA escapes and, over the river and through the woods, to GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE she goes.

INT. JULIE CHRISTIE'S CABIN

AMANDA discovers that JULIE has been killed and turned into STEW just to get the TEENAGERS IN THE AUDIENCE to post "ewwww!" to FACEBOOK from their phones.

BILLY BURKE

Hi Amanda.  If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm the only person in the movie that was never accused of being the wolf, so I'm the wolf.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

You killed my sister!  Er, and then your own mother.  Damn this is stupid. Wait a second, when the wolf spoke to me in the town, the implication was that he wanted me to leave with him so we could bang.

BILLY BURKE

Yeah well, that was when everyone thought it was one of the two dudes.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

But it's not one of the two dudes. It's my dad.

BILLY BURKE

Exactly.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

But that implication was still there, man.

BILLY BURKE

Uhhhhhh...

SUDDENLY, SHILOH breaks the door down and fights BILLY, killing him.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Oh no, he bit me!  That means I'm a werewolf now!  Hopefully your daddy issues are deep enough that this only makes you more in love with me.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

They are.  Hey, wanna go to the theater and see "Beastly" with me?  It's this movie but for Beauty and the Beast.

DIRECTOR CATHERINE HARDWICKE

That's a wrap, everyone!  Now, can anyone think of a way to turn Hansel and Gretel into a movie about teenagers who desperately want to have sex, but don't?

END