FADE IN:

INT. JULIANNE MOORE’S HOUSE

JULIANNE MOORE is GIVING BIRTH in the comfort of her own bed because hospitals are LAME.

JULIANNE MOORE

I never liked these sheets anyway.

BABY CHLOË GRACE MORETZ is born and she is a PERFECT LITTLE ANGEL.

JULIANNE MOORE

Fuck this baby.

JULIANNE grabs a HUGE pair of SCISSORS she must have gotten from the HUGE PAIR OF SCISSORS BLOWOUT SALE and holds them up to BABY CHLOË’S FACE.

JULIANNE MOORE

Wait, the umbilical cord isn't located in the face? Whoops. No wonder this kid is going to want me murdered.

JULIANNE cuts the umbilical cord and hugs her baby, presumably to squeeze THE LIFE out of it.

AUDIENCE

Hmm, this scene wasn’t in the original movie and thus was a surprise. I wonder if the rest of the movie will be like this?

IT WON’T. What follows is a SCENE-FOR-SCENE REMAKE.

GUS VAN SANT

Don’t look at me, I had nothing to do with this one.

INT. CHLOË’S SCHOOL - YEARS LATER

Teenaged CHLOË is a shy and awkward young girl who is becoming a young woman...

Much to her ABSOLUTE HORROR.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Oh my God I’m dying! Somebody help me! I’m bleeding from my naughty area!

MEAN GIRLS

Duh, chicks do that, retard. Let’s all point and laugh at her. Because we are mean.

GABRIELLA WILDE

I refuse to go along with you snotty bitches any further and take pity on Chloë.

(pause)

But seriously, this is 2013. Even if you’ve been sheltered your whole entire life how could you not have heard about periods or managed to avoid The Internet for this long?

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Forgive me if I’m not interested in learning from your magic devil box because MY VAGINA IS BLEEDING!

Gym Coach JUDY GREER swoops in to rescue CHLOË by PIMP-SLAPPING HER.

JUDY GREER

And there goes my job and a potential lawsuit against the school.

(pause)

Wait, no? You mean I’m not going to get in trouble for hitting a student even though I admitted it in front of my superiors? Are we filming the 1976 script or the 2013 script? I can’t tell.

She’s NOT THE ONLY ONE.

JUDY GREER

Say Chloë, aren't you a little too, well, normal looking to be playing an outcast like Carrie?

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Even pretty girls get bullied these day.

JUDY GREER

Yeah, but for the sake of visual filmmaking you'd think they'd at least try to ugly you up a bit by giving you glasses or a ponytail or even a fat suit. Here, wear this plaid shirt, that should help.

CHLOË is dressed in FARM CLOTHES and taken to the PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE.

PRINCIPAL

Chloë, we must call your mother and tell her about your Aunt Flo.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

NO!!!!!

(uses telekinesis to break shit)

PRINCIPAL

Let’s all ignore the fact shit just broke all by itself.

CHLOË goes home and some TWERP ON A BIKE harasses her, so she uses TELEKINESIS to knock him off.

TWERP ON A BIKE

Let’s all pretend that didn’t just happen, and that anyone who saw the original Carrie isn’t having a severe fucking case of déjà vu.

INT. JULIANNE MOORE’S HOUSE

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Mama, why didn’t you warn me about this whole menstrual cycle business?

JULIANNE MOORE

THAT’S THE DEVIL’S TALK YOU HEATHEN!

JULIANNE backhands THE FUCK out of CHLOË and locks her in a closet. CHLOË uses TELEKINESIS to crack the door.

JULIANNE MOORE

Let’s all pretend like that didn’t just happen. Even you, Chloë.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Way ahead of you, mama.

(is passive)

INT. SCHOOL

COACH JUDY is punishing the girls who laughed at CHLOË by making them GET IN SHAPE.

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

As Queen Bitch, I blame Chloë for not knowing what her period is and making me point and laugh at her. I didn’t do anything wrong here.

GABRIELLA WILDE

Except be a total bitch to a girl who’s never hurt anyone and has clearly been sheltered her entire life. Plus you recorded Chloë’s freakout on your phone.

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

I don’t see a problem with any of that. I'm the victim here! This is all Chloë’s fault! Right guys? Right?

All the OTHER GIRLS suddenly realize just how much of a CUNT PORTIA IS.

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

I will destroy Chloë for this!

Meanwhile CHLOË uses her POWERS to break more shit.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

I guess I really can’t ignore my ability anymore. It’s actually kind of cool. I had better go to the library and use the magic Internet box to research this phenomenon.

(does so)

Huh? So I DID know about the Internet?! Okay, now there is absolutely no excuse for me not knowing about how vaginas work.

CHLOË is in class and asked to read a FORESHADOWING POEM in front of the other students.

TEACHER

Apparently I’m a prick and I think your poem sucks. Class, let’s all point and laugh at Chloë’s stupid face Nelson style. HA HA!

ANSEL ELGORT

Aren’t you aware that this girl was just publicly humiliated a few days ago? What kind of teacher are you?

TEACHER

Exactly what part of “I’m a prick” didn’t you understand?

ANSEL ELGORT

Well I think Chloë’s poem was cool. Especially the part about flames. Go to prom with me.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Aren’t you Gabriella’s boyfriend? Wait, is she making you ask me to prom because she still feels guilty?

ANSEL ELGORT

Yes, but I stuck up for you in class because I’m a genuinely nice guy.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

I’ll be sure to keep that in mind if I ever go an a murderous rampage.

INT. JULIANNE MOORE’S HOUSE

CHLOË is honing her POWERS by MAKING SHIT FLOAT.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

I’ll be flying around Seattle and throwing cars at people in no time.

CHLOË is getting ready to go to PROM with ANSEL.

JULIANNE MOORE

The hell she is! You get back in your closet you harlot!

(is TK’d into the air)

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Bitch I got powers now. I’m out of the closet and I’m never going back in!

(thinks)

You know what I mean!

JULIANNE MOORE

When I was pregnant with you I thought you were cancer. I actually say this in the movie.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Someone give this woman The Mother of the Year award. Like, immediately.

She locks JULIANNE in the closet and goes to PROM.

Meanwhile...

INT. PIG FARM

PORTIA and her boyfriend NOT JOHN TRAVOLTA slaughter innocent PIGS for their sweet sweet SWINE BLOOD.

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

(to the audience)

Hmm, I wonder what we’re going to do with this bucket of pigs blood? Are you on the edge of your seat? I bet you can’t guess what happens next!

FUCK YOU, PORTIA.

INT. PROM

CHLOË is having a nice time.

ANSEL ELGORT

Chloë, you’re so pretty and smart and doable.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Hold on, are you still just being a nice guy doing your girlfriend a solid or are you really trying to get into my pants?

ANSEL ELGORT

Uuuuuhhhhh... Oh look! We were just voted Prom King and Prom Queen!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Didn’t see that coming!

CHLOË and ANSEL take the stage while PORTIA and NOT JOHN TRAVOLTA prepare to make the WORST FUCKING MISTAKE of their SHORT LITTLE LIVES.

NOT JOHN TRAVOLTA

Now remember Portia, if anybody finds out we did what we’re about to do we could go to jail so don’t tell anyone.

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

Right.

(pause)

Wait, that doesn’t include sending Gabriella an ominous text implying I’m about to do something awful to Chloë, does it?

NOT JOHN TRAVOLTA

Jesus fuck you’re vapid. Have you seen a doctor about how stupid you are?

GABRIELLA arrives just as CHLOË gets a BLOOD SHOWER which is replayed about 40 DIFFERENT TIMES in case you MISSED IT. And then it’s replayed 40 MORE TIMES just for SAFETY.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

I’m just going to assume everyone was in on this.

99% OF THE PEOPLE AT PROM

But we weren’t!

Unfortunately CHLOË can’t hear them over all of the SCREAMING and DEATH. The sprinklers come on but don't wash away any of the blood on CHLOË because pigs blood is WATER RESISTANT.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!

GABRIELLA WILDE

You realize this makes you about a billion times worse than Portia, right?

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Nuh-uh! All these people knew I was being bullied and they never lifted a finger to stop it!

GABRIELLA WILDE

But does that mean they deserved to die?

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE! I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL! Now, to go after the two people who were actually responsible!

EXT. REMAKEVILLE

PORTIA and NOT JOHN TRAVOLTA try to get away in a car, but CHLOË uses her EARTHQUAKE POWERS to stop them.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Huh? Exactly how many powers do I have? Will I also get laser eyes? Ooh, or maybe bone claws? Hey Portia, got any last words?

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

Yeah, Sissy Spacek you ain’t.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Ooooooh bitch you are so dead.

CHLOË introduces PORTIA'S FACE to the WINDSHIELD and BLOWS HER UP and then stomps on her ASHES because CHLOË has no concept of the word OVERKILL.

INT. CHLOË’S HOUSE

CHLOË takes a soothing bath because MASS MURDER is EXHAUSTING.

JULIANNE MOORE

I forgive you, Chloë. Come, let me stab-- err, hug you.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Hmm, this seems really uncharacteristically nice of you, but ok-- OW!

JULIANNE MOORE

Technically I’m kind of justified here.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Well how about I justify these sharp pointy things through your body!

CHLOË CRUCIFIES JULIANNE.

JULIANNE MOORE

Seeing as that I'm a huge Jesus fangirl, I'm actually pretty excited about this death. Errk!

(croaks)

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Oh no, what have I done? I’m a monster!

GABRIELLA WILDE

Just figuring that out, huh? But you were raised by a demented abusive fundamentalist nutjob who hated you since birth so I guess that’s a pretty good excuse.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Or if someone hadn’t pimped out their boyfriend and convinced me to go to prom then maybe I would have just stayed home and everyone would still be alive.

GABRIELLA WILDE

Err, let’s just pretend you don’t realize that while you kill yourself, m’kay?

CHLOË uses her FREAKY MIND POWERS to destroy her house with her in it but SAVES GABRIELLA.

GABRIELLA WILDE

Holy shit, who knew my act of self gratifying kindness would lead to such tragedy? But hey, at least I'M okay, right? So I wonder how we’re going to fuck up the famous final jump scare.

DIRECTOR KIMBERLY PEIRCE

By not having one.

GABRIELLA WILDE

Huh? So we’re replicating every single scene from the de Palma version but not that one?

DIRECTOR KIMBERLY PEIRCE

What do you expect from a lazy filmmaker who clearly has no unique style of her own? I didn't even bother to try and stay more faithful to the book than de Palma's film or even have Carrie survive like in the 2002 tv-movie because that would have required some actual creative effort on my part. Now let’s just end this abortion already so the audience can go enjoy the original on Netflix.

THIS HAPPENS.

END