FADE IN:

INT. JASON STATHAM'S SWANKY BOAT

JASON STATHAM wakes up on his BOAT and plays a VINYL RECORD on his TURNTABLE because you haven't really heard RUSH'S "A FAREWELL TO KINGS" until you've heard it with THE FUCKING NEEDLE JUMPING ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE EVERY TIME THERE'S A FUCKING WAVE.

JASON STATHAM

Ah, life is good for... the Mechanic.

EXT. RIO DE JANEIRO

We're in RIO DE JANEIRO!! See, there's the Christ the Redeemer statue and everything!

INT. RESTAURANT THAT MUST TOTES BE IN RIO SINCE WE JUST SAW GENERIC STOCK FOOTAGE OF RIO DE JANEIRO FROM A DISTANCE, I MEAN, WHERE ELSE COULD WE POSSIBLY BE, CERTAINLY NOT A SHITTY SOUNDSTAGE, NO SIR

JASON is having lunch in the facsimile of an open-air cliffside restaurant when a MYSTERIOUS SEXY LADY sits across from him.

MYSTERIOUS SEXY LADY

Hello Jason. I know you are really... the Mechanic. We found you by aiming a satellite at South America and pinpointing the glare off your head. Now, you must do three hits for us.

JASON STATHAM

I have to regretfully decline your offer. And by "decline" I mean "pummel the living shit out of", by "your" I mean "you and your goon squad's faces", and by "offer" I mean "using each and every hard surface in this restaurant set, including the salad bar".

(pause)

And I guess lose the "regretfully" part.

JASON proceeds to UNLEASH THE STATHAM on a BUNCH OF GOONS and leaps on a CABLE CAR above a VERY STEEP DROP!

MYSTERIOUS SEXY LADY

Ha, I'm inside the cable car! From here I can shoot you dead! Then you'll HAVE to do what we say... wait a sec...

JASON STATHAM

Fuck that! I glimpsed a hang glider out of the corner of my eye twenty seconds ago, so by mentally analyzing local wind patterns, then factoring in the velocity, bearing, and weight of the glider, I can simply JUMP WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING AND LAND RIGHT ON IT OH YEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He DOES!

JASON STATHAM

Just a typical lunch date for... the Mechanic.

HANG GLIDING PERSON

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

CUE: CREDITS

EXT. MARINA WITH JASON'S BOAT

JASON spots two goons wandering around on his BOAT.

JASON STATHAM

Obviously I could dismember both those guys in five seconds using only my toenail. However I have just decided that I FUCKING HATE BOATS

(blows up boat)

FUCK YOU BOAT

JASON goes to his special storage shed and lifts a FLOORBOARD under which is hidden his SECRET STASH BOX! He takes some new ID and BURNS EVERYTHING ELSE.

JASON STATHAM

Time to assume a new identity for... the Mechanic.

(thinks)

In which case perhaps I should stop referring to myself as... the Mechanic.

(thinks)

Nah.

EXT. THAILAND

We're in THAILAND!! JASON is greeted by MICHELLE YEOH who takes him to her RESORT, where he lifts a FLOORBOARD under which is what appears to be THE EXACT SAME SECRET STASH BOX!

JASON STATHAM

Thanks for letting me crash here before the inevitable next wave of mayhem. Hm, I don't think we've ever teamed up before, this should be cool.

MICHELLE YEOH

Oh, you think I'm going to do some fighting or something, on account of my action hero cred. Ha ha ha, nope.

JASON STATHAM

Sheesh, who has Michelle Yeoh just randomly show up in a movie and not do anything?

JAMES GUNN

(looks away)

MICHELLE YEOH

Besides, the lead female role is basically sitting around being captured, and that's more Jessica Alba's speed. Did I mention, she's here on the island! But I noticed she had a bruise, and seemed anxious.

JASON STATHAM

Oh.

MICHELLE YEOH

And she's here with this angry loud abusive guy.

JASON STATHAM

Okay.

MICHELLE YEOH

And I heard him yelling at her on his boat-

JASON STATHAM

BOAT?!? I FUCKING HATE BOATS

JASON hops into a TED CRUZ ZODIAC, kills the ASSHOLE DUDE, rescues JESSICA and EXPLODES THE FUCK OUT OF THE BOAT.

JASON STATHAM

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT YOU'LL EXPLODE AND LIKE IT, YOU FUCKING BOAT hi, Jessica. So what's your deal?

JESSICA ALBA

Who me? I'm nobody special. I teach starving African war orphans in schools I build myself from recycled dolphin shit. Y'know, average girl!

JASON STATHAM

(squints)

And?

JESSICA ALBA

Damn, you got me. I was also blackmailed to come here and seduce you, so the Big Bad could kidnap me and make you do those three hitman jobs you refused earlier.

JASON STATHAM

And the bad guys are watching our every move, waiting for us to fall in love. Right. So as long as we don't do that, we're fine.

JASON and JESSICA carefully avoid falling in love by WANDERING THE BEACH AT NIGHT and GAZING AT THE OCEAN and EATING BY CANDLELIGHT and CRASHING A FUCKING WEDDING and DRINKING and DANCING and finally playing a brisk round of HIDE JASON'S STEALTH-HAM INSIDE JESSICA'S ALBIA.

JASON STATHAM

Shit. Well this is unfortunate.

JESSICA ALBA

That we paraded directly into your enemy's trap?

JASON STATHAM

No, that you're a less convincing love interest than Ben Foster was.

As promised, GOONS kidnap JESSICA and take JASON to see the BIG BAD, SAM HAZELDINE.

INT. SAM HAZELDINE'S VILLA

SAM HAZELDINE

Welcome Jason. Please take a seat on this chair... which is RIGGED TO EXPLODE IF YOU MOVE! Ha ha ha!

JASON STATHAM

Well you're going to turn it off presumably when you send me to do the three hits, so whoopdie fucking shit.

SAM HAZELDINE

Oh fuck you. If it weren't for the stupid exploding chair this scene wouldn't have even made the abridged script, and I don't have many as it is.

EXT. FIRST HIT -- PRISON BREAK

We're in MALAYSIA!! JASON goes to the nearest FLOORBOARD and lifts it to reveal NINETY TONS OF ASSASSIN GEAR. He sets up SHOP and begins working on the, ah, MECHANICS, of the first hit.

SAM HAZELDINE (V/O)

The first guy you must kill is a super evil warlord guy, who's currently running his empire from prison. Just remember, this CAN'T LOOK LIKE A PROFESSIONAL HIT JOB, and it CAN'T TIE BACK TO ME. These are the two conditions I care about.

JASON uses a CHEAPASS PRESS-ON DICE TATTOO to disguise himself as a wanted criminal who also has a CHEAPASS PRESS-ON DICE TATTOO. He then gets himself ARRESTED.

PRISON GUARD

Yep, that's the tattoo we're after, all right! No need to actually look at his face or any of that shit!

(searches Jason's stuff)

Gum and cigarettes, eh? Now why would I confiscate things so easily used for currency inside? Here you go, in fact, I'll throw in a few extra cigarettes and a blowjob. You're welcome!

JASON mingles with the PRISONERS and finds the WARLORD, just as an angry ARM-BLADE DUDE is about to kill him!!

JASON STATHAM

Oh right, the warlord cost that guy his arm, now he's back for revenge with his prosthetic arm-blade!

(pause)

Soooo... I should just let this happen. The warlord will be dead and no way could it connect back to Sam, since he would legitimately not be involved. Getting shanked by a prison enemy is about as mundane and plausible a reason for this dude winding up dead as you could hope for!

(pause)

But that wouldn't involve... the Mechanic.

JASON rescues the WARLORD by killing ARM-BLADE DUDE! In gratitude, WARLORD has JASON over for dinner.

JASON STATHAM

Now that I've smooth-talked your guards into staying outside... and by "smooth-talked" I mean "told them to and they just went along with it"... let's see what super-stealthy, look-like-an-accident way I've devised to SURPRISE IT'S A DIRECT ATTACK FUCK YOUUUUUU

(kills warlord)

Right. Now to stage some fucking incomprehensible scenario using quick editing and poor lighting. While the guards and audience are trying to figure out what the fuck I did, I can escape!

JASON goes to the outdoor prison area and uses his PLASTIQUE GUM and DETONATOR CIGARETTES to BLOW A GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN THE EXTERIOR WALL!

JASON STATHAM

(sipping martini while jumping through explosion)

Now it FOR SURE won't look like an professional hit job!

INT. SAM'S YACHT

HENCHMAN

The news is saying Warlord Guy is dead. Should we send someone to verify that, make sure Jason isn't pulling a fast one on us?

SAM HAZELDINE

(thinks)

Hmmmmmm nope.

EXT. SECOND HIT --- FIRST-MOVIE SHOUTOUTS

We're in AUSTRALIA!! JASON cracks open a DIDGERIDOO and retrieves another 347 TONS OF ASSASSIN GEAR.

SAM HAZELDINE (V/O)

For this second hit you must kill an evil guy who is super evil. You have 36 hours to complete this hit.

JASON STATHAM

Right then. Since I've already burned hours getting here, time is really of the essence. But fucked if I'm NOT gonna make my specialized wall of photos all connected with lines and shit!!

JASON learns the evil guy has a SWIMMING POOL attached to his PENTHOUSE CONDO that sticks out above the street so that you can, I guess, stare at gridlock while you do laps??

JASON STATHAM

Wow, and I did a swimming pool hit at the start of the first movie! We really are desperate to latch onto anything we can to "franchise" this thing...

JASON RAPPELS... yes, RAPPELS... into position beneath the pool, as the evil guy goes for his daily swim using THE EXACT SAME FOOTAGE WE SAW TEN MINUTES AGO DURING SAM'S VOICEOVER, WAS THE BUDGET FOR THIS TURD LIKE TWENTY BUCKS OR WHAT

EVIL GUY

Ah, what a nice swim. Hey, that's Jason Statham down there! And he made a crack in the pool! Shit! Fuck! What can I do? Oh yeah, flail and holler uselessly, that's the ticket!

(does so)

Or maybe taking three strokes to reach the side of the pool would have been a better choiIIIAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(plunges to death)

INT. SAM'S YACHT

HENCHMAN

The news is saying Evil Guy is dead. Should we send someone to verify that, make sure Jason isn't continuing to pull a fast one on us?

SAM HAZELDINE

(thinks)

Hmmmmmmmmmm nope.

HENCHMAN goes to where JESSICA is being held prisoner in the same clothes from like FIVE DAYS AGO but which look totally fine and fresh.

HENCHMAN

We promised Jason he could Skype you between hits. Just don't try anything funny.

JESSICA ALBA

Of course not. Can you aim the camera at just the right angle to include the window behind me, where you can see the registration number of the boat beside us?

HENCHMAN

Certainly! Off you go then.

JESSICA ALBA

Hi Jason! Hey that watch you gave me stopped, do you think it's a SIGN?

JASON STATHAM

(on Skype)

I dunno. Are you okay?

JESSICA ALBA

For now. But if I don't get off this BOAT then my NUMBER is up I think?

JASON STATHAM

Don't fret, love. I'll save you.

JESSICA ALBA

I'll be checking OVER MY SHOULDER frequently, hoping to REGISTER your presence with OH FUCK IT JASON THERE'S A BOAT NUMBER RIGHT OVER THERE FOR FUCK'S SAKE HOLY SHIT

HENCHMAN

Hey, you're up to something, maybe! Quit that!

JASON tracks the adjacent BOAT to AUSTRALIA, WHERE WE ALREADY ARE, HOW CONVENIENT IS THAT? He reaches under the nearest FLOORBOARD and takes out A PRIVATE HELICOPTER COMPLETE WITH PILOT which he uses to reach SAM'S BOAT!

JASON STATHAM

FUCK YOU GUARDS

(mass murder)

SAM HAZELDINE

Um, I still have Jessica hostage? So do the third hit or I'll, like, kill her and shit?

JASON STATHAM

Damn. But I'm not done here yet, I can still WAIL ON MORE OF YOUR DUDES and then... fuck off and do the third hit anyway? So why the fuck did I fight that last set of guys?

SAM HAZELDINE

I dunno, it seemed like maybe I ordered them to kill you even though I need you to do the last hit?...

JASON STATHAM

Fine, instead of staying to rescue Jessica I'll go do the third hit, except not, and then immediately come back to rescue Jessica?? Holy fuck what is going on in this fucking scene.

EXT. THIRD HIT --- BOND VILLAIN LAIR

We're SOMEWHERE!

SAM HAZELDINE (V/O)

Your third hit is on Special Guest Star Tommy Lee Jones! He is, once more, super evil, and not only because he looks like he went as Geddy Lee for Hallowe'en ten years ago and forgot to stop.

JASON STATHAM

Yet again, this sounds like a guy so evil that I should be happy to kill him, instead of being blackmailed to do it. But that's just how it goes for... the Mechanic.

It turns out TOMMY lives in a SUPER DUPER SECURE FORTRESS THING, which JASON penetrates easily thanks to his CHEAT CODES and sneaky assassin skill of WAITING FOR GUARDS TO OPEN A DOOR AND THEN SLIPPING THROUGH BEHIND THEM, and really if evil guards haven't figured THAT shit out by now, well it's their own damn fault. Seriously dudes, WATCH THE DOOR CLOSE BEHIND YOU ALREADY.

GEDDY LEE JONES

(startled)

A modern day warrior?

Mean, mean stride;

It's Jason Statham--

Bald, bald pride!

JASON STATHAM

Hello. I did some research and found out that even though you're an arms dealer, you only sell guns to puppies and rainbows and gumdrop bears. So I'll let you live, if you help me get Sam. Your choice.

GEDDY LEE JONES

If I choose not to decide, I'll still have made a choice! But instead, I choose to go along with your plan, which will keep me alive and vastly expand my arms-dealing business. Mr. Selfless, that's me.

JASON STATHAM

Right. So my plan is to fake your death, then set a trap for when Sam comes to confirm, even though he didn't confirm the first two times. We'll also fool YOUR OWN MEN into thinking you're dead, even though we need their co-operation to set all my deathtraps, and it would be way simpler to just tell them the plan.

GEDDY LEE JONES

So my lair is up for rent!

And the Mechanic's vengeance-bent!

All his rage he'll get to vent--

Until Sam's goons are dead and spent!

(23-minute instrumental bridge)

The plan HAPPENS!

INT. SAM'S YACHT

HENCHMAN

The news is saying Geddy Lee Jones is dead. Guess I shouldn't bother asking if we'll send someone to verify...?

SAM HAZELDINE

(thinking)

HmmmmmmmmmFUCKING YES GO VERIFY, SEND FUCKING EVERYONE RIGHT NOWWWWWW

SAM sends boatloads of GOONS to GEDDY LEE JONES'S LAIR where they get MACGYVER-MASSACRED by JASON. JASON returns to SAM'S BOAT and begins merrily slaughtering MORE GOONS.

SAM HAZELDINE

Fuck. Guess I should point a gun at Jessica's head or something? Like how I stopped him before?

(remembers he is antagonist in formulaic action movie and must therefore help bring things to a conclusion of sorts)

Or, I'll set the boat to explode and then wander around.

JESSICA ALBA

OOOOPS I FELL INTO THE ON-DECK POOL, NOW MY DRESS IS ALL WET AND CLINGY, OOPSIE DAISY

JASON STATHAM

There you are! Thank God you're soaking wet, I mean, safe.

JESSICA ALBA

Jason! Are you going to stop the countdown at the last possible second?

JASON STATHAM

Are you kidding me? FUCK THIS FUCKING BOAT, GOIN' FOR THE HAT TRICK BABY!!

JASON crams JESSICA into a DIVING BELL, and then kills the remaining GOONS on the BOAT with a SMALLER BOAT and then BOATS UP SAM with random BOAT PARTS until finally the BOAT EXPLODES!!! Is this THE END for... THE MECHANIC?!?

INT. GEDDY LEE JONES'S HIDEOUT

GEDDY LEE JONES reviews SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE of the DOCKS where the BOAT WRECKAGE was brought to.

GEDDY LEE JONES

The world is under observation,

I'll monitor this station...

(peers at screen)

Hm, all the wreckage is there, but I still don't see how Jason could possibly have survived that explosion...

(looks closer)

Wait a sec. That chunk of main deck... did a floorboard just...

JASON STATHAM

(bursting out from under floorboard)

THAT'S RIGHT STILL ALIVE FUCKHEADS!! GONNA TEACH THE SHIT OUT OF STARVING WAR ORPHANS WITH JESSICA ALBA OH YEEEEAHHHH

END