FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL - LONDON

JASON STATHAM visits his brother LUKE EVANS, who is in a COMA and who is looking pretty good for a guy who DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH in the last movie.

JASON STATHAM

Previously on Fast & Furious: my baby brother Luke was a dick to Vin Diesel and his crew so they catapulted him out of a moving plane, which he somehow survived, but not Gina Carano or Gal Gadot because fuck those guys.

The camera pulls back to reveal that JASON has completely DESTROYED THE ENTIRE HOSPITAL!

JASON STATHAM

Now you guys take good care of my brother, ya hear?

HOSPITAL STAFF

But... But how? You’ve just killed most of our employees and you’ve collapsed the entrance to the building! You’ve made it physically impossible for us to properly treat your brother!

JASON STATHAM

I can’t hear you over the sound of my baldness. Cheers!

EXT. BUTTSHOTS BUTTSHOTS BUTTSHOTS!!!!

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ and AN OLD LEATHER COUCH VIN DIESEL go to a RACING CONCERT.

IGGY AZALEA, BLEH

(shameless cameo)

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

Uh, Vin? What are we doing here again? I still have amnesia from the last movie, derp.

VIN DIESEL

Grah raga grag grough graga.

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

“We used to come here back when these movies were actually about cars and racing”, you say?

VIN DIESEL

Grouga.

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

“But our target audience of teens were babies when that movie came out and don’t really give a rat’s ass about the racing anymore so we should just move on with the plot?” Harsh, but if you say so.

VIN DIESEL

Grack ragu.

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

Okay. We get it. Your voice sounds like a car crusher filled with cats while Mickey Rourke and Al Pacino strangle each other with sand paper, so let’s dub all your lines into English from now on, okay?

VIN DIESEL

Michelle, I sense you are conflicted. Is it because you have no memory of the love we shared?

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

No, it’s because the tombstone you guys got me says I “died” in 2009, which means Tokyo Drift must have taken place in 2015 even though all the cars, clothes and technology in Drift were distinctly from 2006 and OH MY GOD THIS FRANCHISE’S TIMELINE MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE THAN TERMINATOR’S I’M OUT OF HERE!

(storms off)

Meanwhile...

INT. DSS OFFICE AND FULL BODY WORKOUT GYM

THE ROCK is alone and filling out paperwork with his PECKS when he notices JASON hacking his computer and downloading info on VIN DIESEL’S CREW.

THE ROCK

Statham? Wait, am I on the right set? I don’t remember being cast in the new Expendables.

JASON STATHAM

That’s because I went Turbo and jumped franchises!

THEY FIGHT!

DIRECTOR JAMES WAN

Yes! A chance to show everyone I’m capable of shooting good action scenes as well as good scary scenes!

He straps the CAMERA to a PAINT SHAKER attached to a JACKHAMMER during an EARTHQUAKE.

JASON pummels THE ROCK until his muscles are nice and tender and ready for open flame grilling.

JASON STATHAM

Meaning I’m about to blow you up with this fire alarm shaped explosive!

THE ROCK is catapulted across the room, through a plate glass window, falls SIX FUCKING STORIES, and splats all over the ground and DIES breaks his fall on the roof of an SUV.

THE ROCK

Landed it!

EXT. LOS ANGELES

PAUL WALKER drives into a tree and tragically dies his son home from school in a MINIVAN.

JORDANA BREWSTER

Vin, something is wrong with Paul. He seems to long for the days when he was being shot at and can’t deal with the quiet life of a family man.

VIN DIESEL

Why am I discussing all of Paul’s problems with you instead of talking to him myself?

JORDANA BREWSTER

Because the studio isn’t trying to spend all of its CGI Paul money this early in the movie. Plus it gives me something to do besides looking after our baby off screen like I always do.

VIN DIESEL

Oh look, a package from Tokyo! Where our friend Sung Kang lives and is currently still alive!

JASON STATHAM

(on phone)

Not anymore! I’ve just killed him in a way that awkwardly ties into Tokyo Drift! Did you get my package? I had it special delivered so that it would arrive within seconds of me killing Sung because extreme event planning is my main supervillain power.

The package EXPLODES and kills VIN, JORDANA, PAUL and PAUL JR in ball of fiery death only destroys their house despite everyone being literally 10 feet away from the bomb.

JASON STATHAM

WHAT?! That didn’t kill them?! But surely they suffered some internal bleeding? A concussion? I’ll even take loss of blader control! Nothing? What the hell man?

VIN DIESEL

You’re new to this franchise, Jason. You’ll get used to it.

INT. HOSPITAL

VIN visits THE ROCK, who is laid up with an ARM CAST.

VIN DIESEL

Wait, you actually got HURT when Jason threw a bomb at you? You’re slipping, Rock.

THE ROCK

Yeah, well, I kinda have to go film that shitbox Hercules so I won’t be in this installment all that much. You’ll have to track down Jason on your own. He’s super dangerous and will kill you and your friends on sight so you should all split up and stay hidden.

VIN DIESEL

Will do!

EXT. SUNG KANG’S FUNERAL

VIN and his friends ALL GATHER IN ONE PLACE OUT IN THE OPEN where they can be easily TRACKED and KILLED.

LUDACRIS

We’re being hunted!

TYRESE GIBSON

So the least we could do is try to make Jason’s job of murdering us all that much easier!

Suddenly VIN spots a mysterious CAR.

VIN DIESEL

My Diesel-Sense is tingling! It’s Jason! Everyone stay behind where I’m sure he didn’t plant any explosives or snipers ready to shoot you all while I follow him!

VIN chases JASON FAST and FURIOUSLY until they eventually end up in an abandoned tunnel and CRASH head long into each other at FULL SPEED without wearing SEATBELTS which kills them both instantly they walk away from totally unharmed!

VIN DIESEL

So Jason, I see your God-like invulnerability powers are just as ridiculous as mine. I challenge you to a street fight. Mind if I use this giant wrench?

JASON STATHAM

Sure, as long as I can use this gun.

VIN DIESEL

Uh, wait, that’s not how street fights are supposed to work. But I just survived a head-on collision with no problem so do you really think shooting me will do anything besides give me dimples?

JASON STATHAM

True, but I already kinda have a gun drawn so I think I’ll take my chances OH SHIT COPS

VIN is suddenly surrounded by SEAL TEAM SUX.

KURT RUSSELL

Vin, I’m a secret agent or something. Work with me and I will help you catch Jason.

VIN DIESEL

You mean instead of arresting him right now? You literally just let him escape down that alleyway while your team was too busy smashing its ass against the toe of my boot.

KURT RUSSELL

Apparently I can’t just order my men to go grab him because I’m a bastard.

VIN DIESEL

Okay I’ll help you, but only if you agree to help me hock Corona. I have a bucket with the logo on it and everything.

(pours Corona all over his titties)

Obvious product placement never tasted so obvious.

KURT RUSSELL

Vin, I need you and your team of untrained criminals to retrieve a hacker codenamed “Khaleesi’s Black Friend”. She has created a magical program that can hack the entire planet. She is being held by warlord Djimon Hounsou in some awful foreign mountain country. Here’s a blank check. Go bananas.

PAUL WALKER

But how are we going to get through Djimon’s security?

TYRESE GIBSON

I say we car-parachute out of a plane! Because that’s something we’ve all trained for and know how to do!

That is the ACTUAL PLAN. Everyone agrees to it with a STRAIGHT FACE. TYRESE is replaced with a CRASH TEST DUMMY for the rest of the film and NO ONE NOTICES.

LUDACRIS

You keep earning that paycheck, Tyrese.

INT. WAR-TORN DESERT PLACE

VIN and his crew fly CARS out of a cargo plane and land perfectly within a few feet of each other instead of MILES APART and in FLAMING WRECKS.

VIN DIESEL

The hacker chick is being transported in a huge tour bus so let’s use our cars to OH FUCK MACHINE GUNS!!

But the BULLETS realize they are being fired at VIN DIESEL and run in the opposite direction.

PAUL gets onboard the tour bus and rescues the hacker, NATHALIE EMMANUEL.

PAUL WALKER

Is Jon Snow coming back? And are they going to bring on Lady Stoneheart? And is Sansa going to die? Please God I hope Sansa is going to die.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Probably, doubt it, and me too.

But the team is suddenly attacked by JASON STATHAM!

VIN DIESEL

Jason, you bastard! I can’t wait until we finish saving Nathalie so we can use her magic hacking program to find you and HEY WAIT A MINUTE! You’re right here! Hey guys, let’s kill Jason!

But THEY DON’T. It would be SO EASY but NOPE, not the RIGHT TIME. Later maybe?

Meanwhile PAUL fights DJIMON’s top henchman TONY JAA and HOLY SHIT TONY JAA!!!

PAUL WALKER

Oh come on dude, that’s not fair, Tony’s going to kick my ass into orbit.

TONY JAA

Your good guy powers pretty much ensure that you hold your own against me even though I could literally drive your teeth right into the top of your skull, which I would then drive into the concrete. I’ll just save us both the embarrassment and run away.

The tour bus hangs off of a cliff with PAUL inside THE LOST WORLD style. MICHELLE spins her car near the edge and PAUL grabs on just in time.

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

The fact I timed that so perfectly or even assumed Paul would grab on in time isn’t even in the top five batshit impossible things we’ve done in this franchise.

PAUL WALKER

Getting to seven movies being the first!

VIN and EMMANUEL escape in a CAR, but DJIMON traps them using CARS.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

You’re surrounded! The only way out is to drive off of that cliff face which would surely kill you both and AW FUCK HE DID IT

VIN and EMMANUEL tumble down the side of the mountain in a metal coffin from what seems like 3,000 feet and are brutally crushed to death and can only be identified through dental records survive!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Blimey! That was a smashing maneuver it was! Good show, chaps!

PAUL WALKER

She said her magic hacking device is hidden in some rich asshole’s car.

VIN DIESEL

To Abu Dhabi!

EXT. ABU DHABI

VIN and his team all drive there in EXPENSIVE SUPERCARS.

PAUL WALKER

This should help us maintain our cover as inconspicuous tourists. We’re practically invisible.

VIN DIESEL

We’re in Abu Dhabi instead of Dubai because that’s where Tom Cruise Spider-Man’d his way up a building so we should do something to top that.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

(prances around in a bikini in slow motion)

VIN DIESEL

Mission accomplished! Now let’s go get that hacking thingamajigger!

INT. BILLIONAIRE ASSHOLE’S PENTHOUSE PARTY

VIN and his team bungle their way in. TYRESE distracts the crowd by pretending(?) to be a huge JACKASS. He is VERY convincing. MICHELLE fights RONDA ROUSEY and holds her own despite RONDA being FIVE TIMES BIGGER than her.

And LUDACRIS is suddenly an EXPERT MARTIAL ARTIST. SOMEHOW. LOOK, REALISM ISN’T EXACTLY THIS FRANCHISE’S CUP OF TEA, OKAY?

VIN and PAUL break into a vault which holds the SUPERCAR with the MACHACKINGGUFFIN in it.

PAUL WALKER

The device is underneath the car. Did we bring a car jack? Or maybe we can construct some type of pulley system or--

VIN DIESEL

(lifts the car with his bare hands)

PAUL WALKER

Okay, so are we not even pretending that you’re a real human being at this point? Did Disney acquire us? Because unless we’re in the MCU this is fucking absurd.

LUDACRIS

Shit! Security is locking the penthouse down! You guys will have to drive the car out of there!

JASON STATHAM

Not if I can help it! Surprise bitches!

VIN DIESEL

Jason, you sonofabitch! Just wait until we use this hacking program to find you and then we’ll HEY WAIT A MINUTE! He’s right here! Guys, let’s kill Jason!

But THEY DON’T. Because... FUUUUUUUCK WHY DON’T THEY JUST KILL HIIIIMMMM?!?!?!?!

VIN DIESEL

I’m in a bulletproof car that I could easily run Jason over with so I’ll do the opposite of that!

PAUL WALKER

Good plan!

VIN drives the car out of the window and flies it into ANOTHER BUILDING and then flies into YET ANOTHER BUILDING!

PAUL WALKER

Oh look, I was able to pull the hacking device out of the car. Having you use super-human strength to lift up the car was absolutely pointless.

VIN DIESEL

Then we are successfully living up to this franchise’s standards!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

My hacking device is called “The God’s Eye”. I just used it to find Jason’s hideout! Let’s go get him!

INT. OBVIOUS TRAP-- ERR, JASON’S HIDEOUT

VIN and his team go to arrest JASON but he has teamed up with DJIMON and SHOOTING HAPPENS.

NAMELESS MILITARY GUY

(dead!)

AUDIENCE

Nooooo! Not him! He was my favorite!

KURT RUSSELL

(shot!)

Fuck! That hurt! But not enough to stop me from winking at Vin in the middle of this gun fight!

(shot again!)

FUUUCK! Maybe I should take cover instead of flirting with Vin next time?

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Great, now Djimon has The God’s Eye and he’s going to murder me because I’m the only one who can hack the hacks out of his hacks in his hacks for his hacks!

VIN DIESEL

Don’t worry, Nat! You are OUR Khaleesi now and we’ll protect you by fighting this battle on our home turf in L.A.!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

But won’t you be intentionally putting hundreds of Angelenos in mortal danger?

VIN DIESEL

Dude, we killed a bajillion innocent bystanders with a fucking bank vault two movies ago, we clearly don’t give a flying squirrel shit about anyone not in the main cast.

EXT. LOS ANGELES

DJIMON hovers above the city in a TACTICAL HELICOPTER and deploys a DRONE because the phrase “POST 9/11“ isn’t a THING in this universe.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

This movie is cruising from zero to sixty on highway retarded and there’s no stopping it!

PAUL drives NATHALIE around the city and DJIMON’s DRONE shoots MISSILES at them. Many people are KILLED. Nobody CARES.

THE ROCK is watching the CARNAGE on the news. He still has a CAST on his ARM and LEG.

THE ROCK

(rips off casts)

Healed!

Meanwhile PAUL’S CAR is blown up so NATHALIE teleports to another CAR and then THAT CAR is blown up so she teleports to YET ANOTHER CAR which happens to be MICHELLE’S CAR.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Paul! I can’t hack the hacks out of The God’s Eye until after you have an underwhelming fight scene with someone who’s a way better fighter than you!

TONY JAA

Shit, that’s my cue isn’t it? Paul’s billing is the only thing I can’t kill by elbowing the top of its head.

(dies)

The DRONE is about to blow up MICHELLE and NATHALIE when THE ROCK torpedoes it with an AMBULANCE made out of his BICEPS.

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

How’d you know the drone would be diving under that tunnel at that exact moment in order to kill it?

THE ROCK

My abs told me.

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

That is the most believable explanation for the ridiculousness in this entire franchise.

Meanwhile VIN and JASON play chicken on the top of a parking garage. They CRASH into each other again at full speed and die for the 10th goddamn time in this movie survive!

JASON STATHAM

So Vin, it seems it’s time for our climactic bald-off.

VIN DIESEL

I actually have a gun this time, but I’d rather you break your knuckles on my potato head instead.

This HAPPENS.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Shit! Nathalie has taken control of The God’s Eye! Instead of escaping I had better shoot at Vin and also double cross Jason just to be a prick!

The parking garage collapses on JASON and creates a SUPER CONVENIENT RAMP that allows VIN to DUKES OF HAZARD his car into the air and drops a bag full of GRENADES onto DJIMON’s helicopter.

THE ROCK

My abs are telling me there are grenades in that bag even though I am too far away to see them!

He shoots the bag and DJIMON explodes! VIN’s car crashes into the ground. VIN appears to be dead.

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

NOOOOOOOO!!!!! MAYBE PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY BELIEVE VIN IS IN REAL DANGER OF DYING IF I VERBALLY SAY AS MUCH!

PAUL WALKER

Huh? Vin survived like 18 car crashes and explosions way worse than that throughout these movies.

THE ROCK

15 of which being in this movie alone! Just stop it, Michelle. No one is buying your creepy cry face.

But still everyone pretends to be REAL REAL SUPER SAD for a few seconds.

VIN DIESEL

I’m alive!

This surprises literally NO ONE. NOT A SINGLE PERSON. NADA.

CITY OF LOS ANGELES

Also we forgive you guys for all the death and property damage you caused, just so long as Vin's OK!

JASON has somehow survived having tons of CONCRETE dropped on his head and is locked up in a TOP SECRET PRISON.

JASON STATHAM

Did I just become this franchise’s Loki?

YES he HAS.

EXT. BEACH

VIN and his crew gather around to say goodbye to PAUL. He is given a proper farewell with an unnecessarily long MONTAGE BLOWJOB and the movie makes over $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS worldwide.

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS immediately announces plans for a THE ROCK origin spin-off, a VIN DIESEL restaurant chain, and a THEME PARK RIDE as well as 14 SEQUELS.

TYRESE GIBSON

Yesss! That means I’ll get to keep earning that paycheck!

This instantly becomes the SINGLE MOST BATSHIT CRAZY IMPOSSIBLE THING that will EVER come out of these movies.

END