FADE IN:

INT. COURT ROOM IN NYC - DAY

The JUDGE arrives at the bench to preside over the case of THE PEOPLE OF NETFLIX VERSUS DAREDEVIL. A JURY of enraged and disillusioned fans stare angrily at the defendant.

CHARLIE COX

Your Honor, I intend to prove that my client, Daredevil, is in safe hands under the custody of Disney+ and Hulu.

JUDGE

You understand the ramifications of angering the loyal fans in the jury, don't you? Please state your case.

The JURY starts barking and foaming at the mouth. A bailiff threatens to rip up their Spider-Man comic issues. BEN AFFLECK is escorted out of the building after weeping too loudly.

CHARLIE COX

Angry fanboys of the jury, I present the case that Daredevil is thriving in the hands of Disney execs. Allow me to present the case of season 4. Please draw your attention to Exhibit A, where we see Foggy, Karen, and Matt frolicking happily to the local pub to talk law stuff.

EXT. NYC IRISH BAR WHERE ANY EYE CONTACT RESULTS IN A BOXING MATCH [FLASHBACK]

CHARLIE COX

Wow, Foggy, that was a great landmark case.

ELDEN HENSON

I am so blessed to have friends I love and justice by my side.

(gets shot by an irony bullet)

BACK TO SCENE

CHARLIE COX mimes a picture of WILSON BETHEL shooting a rifle and then demonstrates karate moves like kicks and flips.

CHARLIE COX

The first five minutes featured an artistic fight scene involving windows, roofs, and stairs. It's almost as impressive as one-camera shots in previous seasons. Also note the acrobatics during which I non-lethally threw Benjamin Poindexter off a building.

THE JURY considers that.

NETFLIX LAWYER

Cross-examination! You immediately quit being Daredevil right after, and the next two episodes are devoted to boring lawyer cases like you were Matlock in the Snyderverse.

THE JURY starts barking and shooting slurs until a giant trough of water drops on them.

JURY

Order. Order. Charlie, please explain yourself.

INT. MURDOCK AND NOT FOGGY ATTORNEY AT LAW [FLASHBACK]

CHARLIE COX has a new partner, NIKKI M. JAMES.

CHARLIE COX

I am sad and depressed, and Karen hates my guts. Wahhhhhh.

NIKKI M. JAMES

There's a masked vigilante named White Tiger who is being framed for killing a cop. Also, a homeless man was abused by police for stealing Fiddle-Faddle. Both of them can pay you in tacos.

CHARLIE COX

You always know how to cheer me up.

MARGARITA LEVIEVA

Matt, as a professional therapist and your hot girlfriend, I fear you might have a secret identity in vigilantism because of some trauma that happened when you were young. Also, my major turn-off is boys who cosplay as ninjas.

BACK TO SCENE

CHARLIE COX

Your Honor, I wish to remind the audience that I got into one good fight scene in episode two because the cops were corrupt.

JUDGE

Okay, but you are on thin ice, Charlie. One more admission like that and I am holding you in contempt for She-Hulk-related nonsense.

CHARLIE COX

Now I would like to call up my surprise witness, Vincent D'Onofrio, who can't help but make every season about himself. I have other arch-villains, ya' know.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO approaches the stand. The JURY wonders if his mind is racing with menace and savagery or if he is struggling with object permanence like an infant. It's really his two favorite looks.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Ladies and gentlemen, when I was a young boy, my father took me to a court case...

(three hours later)

And that's when I decided I needed to run for mayor of New York City. I won and promised to make New York a bustling metro of deals and shady offers.

NETFLIX LAWYER

Objection. Vincent's testimony is making me think about current events instead of fantasy escapism.

AYELET ZURER crashes through the courtroom.

AYELET ZURER

You left me to handle the crime business all by myself. I miss the old Vincent who would batter people to death with his meaty hands instead of signing laws and attending zoning meetings.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Honey, baby, I am still the shady scum bag you fell in love with, but now I am doing it with more political finesse. Look, if it makes you feel better, I can cage a man who flirted with you and force him to watch me eat a steak dinner.

AYELET ZURER

(drying eyes)

I can never stay angry at you. Come here, you big lunk.

MICHAEL GANDOLFINI lies down on the ground so VINCENT and AYELET can walk on him without messing up their shoes. CHARLIE pushes them aside as they attend couples counseling.

JON BERNTHAL is sitting in the spectators' row. He continues to throw peanut shells at CHARLIE while he is talking. This happens throughout the court case.

JON BERNTHAL

Charlie is a puss!

(repeat)

CHARLIE COX

Folks, it might seem like Daredevil is taking a hiatus from being an epic ninja with radar powers, and it might seem like you saw that same story in season three, but trust me, things get off the rails.

JUDGE

Can you give us an example?

CHARLIE COX

(flips through his notes)

My girlfriend and I fight over intimacy and authentic feelings. I get very sad about injustice. Vincent corrupts the power of government with his horrible ideologies...here it is: a bank robbery.

THE JURY squints at CHARLIE.

CHARLIE COX

It's exciting, trust me. An Irish robbery.

(crickets)

And the acting police negotiator tells an Irish joke.

(crickets)

I almost got approved for a business loan.

(crickets)

I go savage on a guy and break every limb on his body, and then sew on extra limbs so that I can break them.

(crowd cheers)

NETFLIX LAWYER

Objection: Daredevil does gritty and dark stuff like that on Netflix.

CHARLIE COX sweats as he struggles to think of a way to win over the FANBOY JURY. He excuses himself.

HUNTER DOOHAN gets pushed to the stand. He looks like a sad French mime wearing a burlap sack.

HUNTER DOOHAN

I am Muse, a homicidal millennial who is misunderstood because my parents made me take Taekwondo lessons, but now I kill randos off the street and paint murals with their blood.

THE JURY gives a congratulatory golf clap at this news.

CHARLIE COX

Will you please tell the jury how awesome our fight scenes were, Mr. Doohan?

HUNTER DOOHAN

You obliterated me in under a minute in my secret lair.

CHARLIE COX

(sweating)

But you also kidnapped my girlfriend and tried to kill her.

HUNTER DOOHAN

You made your girlfriend shoot me.

CHARLIE COX

That is enough, Mr. Doohan.

JON BERNTHAL continues to light firecrackers and put them in CHARLIE COX's pants.

CHARLIE COX

Fine, the Muse bit died fast, but at least it set up Vincent for a nice story.

VINCENT and AYELET walk back into the courtroom. MICHAEL GANDOLFINI is behind them, holding his long red cape.

CHARLIE COX

Vincent, please explain your master plan.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

When I was a boy...

INT. THE MAYOR'S OFFICE [FLASHBACK]

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO is stewing, followed by brewing, and angrily chewing.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

I am starting to think that New York doesn't want rampant criminal activity on its streets. I am calling together a task force of corrupt cops to handle anything that looks like a vigilante.

MICHAEL GASTON

As the Chief of Police, I must tell you how illegal this is.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

(bench pressing a cow)

I am the law!

(gives Michael a wedgie that wraps around him six times)

BACK TO SCENE

NETFLIX LAWYER

Objection, this is making me think about current events again! Can we please introduce magic undead ninjas into the story? Also, how is Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four, or Danny Rand okay with any of this?

CHARLIE COX

Ummm...they were all on vacation.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Long story short, I blackmailed the NYC elite, and now my Free Harbor Initiative is going to open soon.

NETFLIX LAWYER

That's it? You blackmailed, lied, and killed to open up a public port?

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

An evil port?

CHARLIE COX

Don't act all high and mighty, Netflix. Your first season was about building permits.

JUDGE

Get to the point, Mr. Cox, or I will force your story arc to reboot.

CHARLIE COX

(ruffling papers)

Let's see here. I beat up some more corrupt cops, Deborah Anne Woll comes back and hints at having major crush vibes for Jon Bernthal. Ah, yes, Margarita and I go on a couples date to a black-tie gala...

(close up, whispering sinisterly)

Of evil.

INT. BLACK-TIE GALA OF EVIL [FLASHBACK]

CHARLIE and MARGARITA team up to get the truth out of VINCENT and AYELET.

CHARLIE COX

(dancing cheek to cheek with Vincent)

Admit that you had Foggy killed because you were trying to open up your port.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Preposterous. I don't open my port for no man!

AYELET ZURER

It was me, Matt. I hired Poindexter to kill him because he was going to expose my evil plan to make the harbor free. Then I wanted Poindexter killed for some reason.

WILSON BETHEL enters the gala. He is holding a sniper rifle disguised as a pizza box.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

I am famished from all this dancing.

CHARLIE COX

(sniffing the air)

That's not pepperoni...that's bullets.

(gets shot)

BACK TO SCENE

CHARLIE falls to the floor and mimes blood squirting out of him. He then stands back up and points at JON BERNTHAL, who is busy writing a KICK ME sign for CHARLIE.

JON BERNTHAL

Yeah, Red and I teamed up to take down some crooked cops. I saved him from the hospital. I shot like seven of them, and Charlie barely even incapacitated one.

CHARLIE COX

Excuse me, I was letting my non-lethal inner convictions guide my conscience.

JON BERNTHAL

(quietly and fast)

Wussherosayswhat?

CHARLIE COX

What?

JON BERNTHAL

Exactly. Anywho, I got captured by some cosplay team dressed up as me. They act all tough, but I shot a lot of them. They wanted me to join their LARP, but I said no to those stupid clowns.

THE JURY pumps their fist. Several members reveal their own skull shirts.

CHARLIE COX

Don't get too excited, he got captured at the end of the episode.

JON BERNTHAL

By Officer Dummy J. Moron, a man who let me shake his hand so I could break it off and beat him with it.

JUDGE

You spoiled the stinger, Jon! One more spoiler from you, and you are banned from F-bombs.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO and AYELET ZURER waltz into the courtroom again, with MICHAEL GANDOLFINI serenading them with love songs.

VINCENT D'ONOFORIO

That's when I started the MAKE NYC SAFE AGAIN, OR I WILL KILL YOU Initiative. I turned off all the lights in the city because those ultraviolet rays are bad for kids' eyes, and I gave my men free rein to execute anyone wearing a mask. It was a bloodbath at certain masquerades around the city.

MICHAEL GASTON returns to the courtroom. His head resembles a squished grape.

MICHAEL GASTON

He also gave me an awful scalp massage.

NETFLIX LAWYER

Wow. That is pretty sinister. How is Daredevil going to win back New York City with ten more minutes left?

CHARLIE COX

Ummm...what? An ending? Like in the last ten minutes?

(dumps his whole briefcase on the table and pulls out a small Post-it note)

We are having a two-parter. In fact, Daredevil is setting up an army to fight the Kingpin.

NETFLIX LAWYER

Please tell us and don't spare any details. Who do you hint at? Luke Cage? Spider-Man? Reed Richards? Doctor Strange? Danny Rand? Bruce Banner?

CHARLIE COX

(looking at a post-it note)

Even better. How about Nosey Reporter, Disgraced Mayor Assistant, Detective that has a decent Irish accent, Lonely Bar Owner, Matthew Lillard, and Jessica Jones?

NETFLIX LAWYER

I call for a mistrial.

JUDGE

Granted.

END