FADE IN:

INT. A WORLD SUSPENDED IN THE DELICATE BALANCE BETWEEN HITMEN AND BODYGUARDS

RYAN REYNOLDS is a suave PERSONAL BODYGUARD in a suave house. He has FANCY CLOTHES and a POOL and a BED with a WOMAN in it.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smarms)

RYAN bodyguards an ELDERLY ARMS DEALER GUY.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I have taken every precaution to keep you safe. Now to take you to your private plane, found in the dead centre of that open tarmac that we’ll cross this wiiiide open space to get to. We should stop and take a leisurely bow in the middle of this open-air location.

ARMS DEALER

(not shot)

Holy crap, I'm still alive. Guess I’ll be SUPER safe inside my plane then

(shot)

RYAN’S BODYGUARDING CAREER goes down the TOILET forcing him to use his CAR as a TOILET.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Now I’m reduced to bodyguarding human shit like Richard E. Grant. Fuck.

RICHARD E. GRANT

Hey, I’m a legit actor thank you very much.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smarms)

(tosses gun away casually)

CUE: WACKY ACTION COMEDY MUSIC

RYAN bodyguards WITHNAIL WITHOUT FAIL but his bodyguarding career remains SHITTIFIED.

INT. INTERPOL

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON, who is a HITMAN, is brought before the LEADER of INTERPOL.

LEADER OF INTERPOL

Samuel, we need your help to convict the President of Belarus, Gary Oldman. He’s doing that stock villain thing that he does and it’s wearing pretty damn thin.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I’ll only testify in exchange for my wife Salma Hayek’s freedom!

LEADER OF INTERPOL

Done.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Oops. Maybe I should have held out for BOTH our freedoms. Shit.

ELODIE YUNG

Don't worry Sam. I’ll get you to Intercourt along with these other eclectic characters who are surely just as important as me!

JOAQUIM DE ALMEIDA

(evilly)

This is a foolproof plan as long as none of us are evil moles, I guess.

(notices previous stage direction)

Evilly? Shit, is it me again? I’m always the fucking evil guy.

(tips off Gary Oldman)

Aw, come on!

The INTERPOL agents embark on the perilous mission of getting SAMUEL to the COURTROOM rather than just SKYPING his testimony or whatever. Sure enough, they are ATTACKED!

CUE: WACKY COMEDY ACTION MUSIC

ELODIE YUNG

Fuck! Everyone’s dead but me and Sam!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

And I’ve been shot in the leg, which will reduce my mobility by exactly fuck all, but still, ow!

They escape to a SAFE HOUSE and ELODIE calls RYAN.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Oh hell, my ex! Jesus Christ! Women, amirite?!? Take my wife, please! The fellas know what I'm talking about! Dames, I tells ya!

ELODIE YUNG

Easy there Don Rickles. If you get Sam to the courthouse I’ll de-outhouse your career, okay?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fine. Between the three of us, should be no problem.

ELODIE YUNG

Agreed, except I’m leaving now for no reason, so it's just the two of you. Toodles!

(fucks off)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Guess our only option is to combine my hitman power with your bodyguard power!

RYAN REYNOLDS

¯\_(:D)_/¯

INT. JAIL CELL

SALMA HAYEK is in JAIL.

SALMA HAYEK

Fuck! Fucking shit! You cocksuckers!

(terrorizes cellmate)

Are there any actual good guys in this fucking movie?

EXT. FOREIGN LOCATION

SAMUEL and RYAN are BANTERING when BADDIES attack!

CUE: COMEDY ACTION WACKY MUSIC

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fuck! Goddamn it!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Motherfucker!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(kills baddies)

(tosses gun away casually)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

(shoots things)

Motherfuckers!

RYAN REYNOLDS

So how’d you meet Salma?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I saw her kicking ass and being hot so I fell in love. And she fell in love with me because [NOT FOUND]. How about you and Elodie, what’s your history?

RYAN REYNOLDS

I saw her kicking ass and being hot so I fell in love. And she fell in love with me because [NOT FOUND].

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Huh. Seems we have more in common than we thought, despite being on opposite sides of the hitman-bodyguard dichotomy. You should know, it was me who shot that old arms dealer.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Dammit, losing that one client sank my career! Which means I guess every active top bodyguard has a 100% success rate? Which must make it pretty fucking hard to be a successful top-flight hitman.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

And yet the existence of unstoppable badass hitmen like me must make it impossible to be a successful bodyguard.

ASSORTMENT OF EVIL ROBOTS FROM CLASSIC TREK AND DR. WHO

(sparks flying)

DOES NOT COMPUTE - ERROR - ERROR

(explode)

EXT. ANOTHER FOREIGN LOCATION

SAMUEL and RYAN are BANTERING when BADDIES attack!

CUE: ACTION WACKY COMEDY MUSIC

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fuck! Goddamn it!

(tosses gun away casually)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

(shoots things)

Motherfuckers!

This repeats another ELEVEN MILLION TIMES except one time there's NUNS and another time RYAN sticks a FULLY OPAQUE MOTORCYCLE HELMET on his STUNT DOUBLE so he can piss off and binge SEASON ONE OF TIMELESS on NETFLIX. Finally they reach the COURTHOUSE.

INT. COURTHOUSE

RYAN REYNOLDS

We have only ten seconds left to get you in the courtroom, or Gary becomes President of Belarus again and resumes his rampant genocide! YES IT IS TOO HOW THAT WORKS

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Ta-da, here I am, international tribunal! And here’s a website full of photographs of Gary committing heaps of atrocities and shit.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Could have probably put this on fucking Instagram and saved us all lots of trouble...

GARY OLDMAN

Well fuck this! I’m staging an elaborate Dark-Knight-style getaway!

SAM and RYAN, after bickering the whole movie long, finally TEAM UP by having COMPLETELY SEPARATE ACTION SEQUENCES from each other, TWICE.

CUE: MUSIC COMEDY ACTION WACKY

ELODIE YUNG

Time to bust out my Elektra moves to kick serious aaaAAIEEE! Joaquim has captured me! Heeeelllp!!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fuck you Joaquim!

(kills Joaquim)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Fuck you Gary you motherfucker! Holy shit we're fucking Oscar nominees.

(kills Gary)

They WIN!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Elodie, I’m sorry I’ve been a smarmy douchebag.

ELODIE YUNG

(swoons)

Oh Ryan! I love you!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Don’t worry Salma, I’m gonna escape and join you. Even though wherever you are, will be the very first place anyone looks for me.

SALMA HAYEK

(swoons)

Oh Samuel you motherfucker! I love you!

RYAN and SAMUEL usher in a NEW ERA of UNDERSTANDING between HITMEN and BODYGUARDS everywhere!

NEW HEAD OF INTERPOL COMMANDER J.R. HARDBRICK

Good work, Sam and Ryan! You are BOTH truly the king of kings!

(handing them a piece of paper)

Here is a scholarship!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Welp, it’s a good thing that none of us give a fuck whether this shitpile makes money or wows critics or is seen by anybody ever.

(tosses movie aside casually)

DEADPOOL TWO BABY, OH YEEEAHHHH

END