FADE IN:

A FILM HIPSTER and a CASUAL MOVIEGOER settle in for MOVIE NIGHT.

FILM HIPSTER

Seriously, dude, we gotta watch Only God Forgives. It's this dark, edgy, fucking genius piece of auteur filmmaking!

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Auteur, you say? Is it also slow and boring?

FILM HIPSTER

Well, yeah, it's kinda slow. But that's just how Nicholas Winding Refn rolls. It's his followup to Drive.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

The one with Aaron Paul? Didn't that suck?

FILM HIPSTER

No, Drive! The one with Ryan Gosling!!

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Oh, that movie that you studiously avoided when it was in theaters and then started gushing about when it was free on Netflix and haven't stopped talking about since.

FILM HIPSTER

Uh, yeah. That one. It's awesome.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

(checking computer)

Well, this new one only scored a 37 on Metacritic so I think I'm gonna pass.

FILM HIPSTER

Pfft, how many critics even bothered to write reviews?

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Thirty-nine of them.

FILM HIPSTER

Uhh, well, obviously none of those people understand Refn's genius.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Several of these critics were huge fans of Drive.

FILM HIPSTER

Well, this movie competed for the Palme D'Or at Cannes.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

And was greeted with boos from the same people who throw awards at David Lynch.

FILM HIPSTER

Watch Only God Forgives or I'm cracking open the Alejandro Jodorowsky box set.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Ugh, fine. But it better at least have some artsy nudity.

It DOES. But it's all DUDES.

INT. THAI BOXING CLUB - BANGKOK

DIRECTOR NICHOLAS WINDING REFN starts his moody neo-noir by vomiting RED all over the SCREEN. Somewhere in the midst of all this SUPER HIGH CONTRAST RED, a shape vaguely resembling RYAN GOSLING glares moodily at the camera. He takes three hours to WALK into a SUPER HIGH CONTRAST YELLOW room to speak to his brother TOM BURKE.

TOM BURKE

So. We are totally gangsters and we run this boxing ring for illicit purposes.

RYAN GOSLING

Yeah.

TOM BURKE

Illicit purposes we will never explore or describe in any detail.

RYAN GOSLING

Probably drugs.

TOM BURKE

Probably. We will never see these drugs, use these drugs, or explore Bangkok drug culture in any way. But drugs are things criminals sell and we are criminals. So it must be drugs.

RYAN GOSLING

Makes sense.

TOM BURKE

Okay, are you going to pull the exact same non-talking smolder bullshit you pulled in Drive?

RYAN GOSLING

(stares)

TOM BURKE

Fuck this. I'm gonna go bang a Thai prostitute.

TOM takes SIX WEEKS to WALK all the way across BANGKOK to get to a SUPER HIGH CONTRAST BLUE brothel. He then BEATS a TEENAGE PROSTITUTE to DEATH for NO GODDAM REASON.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

I sense a disturbance in the Force.

COP SIDEKICK

Yes, Lieutenant. Obviously you are very concerned with prostitution and murder, since you are a high ranking police officer.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Obviously. I never actually wear a uniform, drive a cop car, solve murders or suffer any accountability for my illegal actions, but I am totally a cop and therefore completely different from the criminals I chase.

COP SIDEKICK

Completely.

VITHAYA gets TOM and the PROSTITUTE'S FATHER together in the same room.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Now, Mr. Prostitute's Father, I am going to allow you to beat Tom Burke to your heart's content.

TOM BURKE

Whoa, hang the fuck on. I want a lawyer.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Your lawyers are now fists.

TOM BURKE

I want to be read my Miranda rights.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

You have the right to remain punched. Anything you punch can and will be punched against you in a court of punching.

TOM BURKE

But I thought you were the "God" character in this movie. Doesn't that mean you forgive?

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

You know what, you're right. I'm going to let this gentleman here forgive you right in the face a million times.

The PROSTITUTE'S DAD beats TOM BURKE into a SUPER HIGH CONTRAST RED PILE OF APPLESAUCE.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Now I am going to chop off your arm with a samurai sword for letting your daughter become a prostitute in the first place, then go blow off steam with some karaoke, because this movie leaves no Asian stereotype unexploited.

PROSTITUTE'S DAD

What the actual fuck, dude.

All of this HAPPENS.

COP SIDEKICK

Truly justice has been served.

INT. HOTEL

KRISTEN SCOTT THOMAS hears about TOM's death and flies to BANGKOK to exact revenge.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Okay, so since I'm the Godmother of this little family mafia, I'm sure there's some awesome, twisted way to establish my badass credentials. What's it gonna be? Horse head in the bed? Flip out on a subordinate and beat him to death?

CONCIERGE

Hello, miss. I'm sorry to inform you of this, but our hotel is full at the moment.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Well fuck you, I want a room.

CONCIERGE

Uh, okay then.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

So badass.

RYAN GOSLING meets KRISTIN in a SUPER HIGH CONTRAST RED OKAY SERIOUSLY THIS ENTIRE MOVIE IS MORE COLOR-CODED THAN A TELETUBBIES EPISODE.

FILM HIPSTER

Well actually, Nicholas Winding Refn is partially colorblind so he employs high contrast photography to-

SHUT UP.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Listen, Ryan, I know I haven't always been a great mother, what with the vaguely incestuous vibe we both ooze at each other and all, but I really need you to kill the guy who killed your brother, or at least the God-cop who allowed it to happen.

RYAN GOSLING

Tom raped and murdered a girl.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

(actual line)

Well I'm sure he had his reasons.

RYAN GOSLING

Yeah, you know, because rape-murders are usually so pre-fucking-meditated. Purely logical reasoning all the goddam way.

RYAN finds the PROSTITUTE'S DAD and considers shooting him for a BRIEF ETERNITY. He then decides to LET HIM GO. The PROSTITUTE'S DAD is murdered about TEN SECONDS LATER by some other RANDOM HITMAN.

RYAN GOSLING

Truly justice has been served.

RYAN goes to blow off steam with his favorite prostitute, RHATHA PHONGAM.

RYAN GOSLING

Please tell me you're not fourteen like my brother's prostitute.

RHATHA PHONGAM

I'm thirty, actually.

RYAN GOSLING

Holy shit, really? Damn girl. Anyway, let us commence with our weird sexy time.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Alright, artsy nudity!

RHATHA beings touching herself more and more intensely, until finally

SMASH CUT TO:

A couple NAKED ASIAN MUSCLE MEN cavort around onstage while KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS watches intently.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

GAH, DAMMIT!

INT. RESTAURANT

RYAN has taken RHATHA on a date to meet his MOTHER.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

So, Rhatha, what do you do?

RHATHA PHONGAM

I'm an entertainer.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

(actual line)

An entertainer? How many cocks can you entertain in that little cum dumpster of yours?

RYAN GOSLING

Wow. Great way to open dinner, mom. I mean

(stares)

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Well I for one am obsessed with cocks. My sons' cocks to be specific. Ryan isn't half the man his brother Tom was, if you know what I mean. By which I mean Tom had a huge pants dragon. I literally say this right in front of both of your faces right before we're about to eat. How I know so much about the exact shape, size and molecular density of both of my adult sons' love harpoons is something you'll just have to imagine for the rest of the movie whenever I'm onscreen. Anyway I'm still pissed at Ryan because he refused to kill the man who killed his psychotic fuck of a brother or the cop I'm somehow aware was also involved, so I'm just going to remind you all one more time about how totally huge his brother's meat injector was and how frail and inadequate Ryan's is by comparison, which is probably why he frequents STD-riddled dick tunnels like you. Let's eat!

EXT. RESTAURANT

RHATHA PHONGAM

Jesus, Ryan, you really weren't going to defend me for one tiny second in there were you?

RYAN GOSLING

No, but I'll gladly make up for it by forcing you to strip in front of me in public.

RHATHA PHONGAM

Wait, what?

RYAN GOSLING

(actual line)

TAKE IT OOOOFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

RHATHA PHONGAM

(stripping)

Wow, great line reading. The lovechild of Al Pacino and Gary Oldman couldn't have chewed so much scenery so quickly.

EXT. CAFE

VITHAYA is eating noodles at an outdoor cafe with his COP POSSE. A couple HITMEN on MOTORCYCLES get lost on their way to a JOHN WOO MOVIE so they decide to start SPRAYING this CROWDED CAFE with BULLETS instead.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

(taking cover)

Goddamit! They're outside of samurai swording range. I guess I'll have to use this gun I pulled out of my ass!

(returns fire)

HITMAN

(firing a million bullets)

KEEP SHOOTING, MEN! IF WE KILL LITERALLY ALL OF THE COPS, THEN THERE WILL BE NO ONE TO ARREST US!

OTHER HITMAN

(firing a trillion bullets)

BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE RANDOM INNOCENT PEOPLE BLOCKING ALL OF OUR BULLETS? WOULDN'T A DISCRETE GODFATHER-STYLE REVOLVER ROUND TO THE FOREHEAD HAVE BEEN MORE EFFECTIVE?

OTHER OTHER HITMAN

(firing enough bullets to collapse their collective mass into a black hole)

OR A SNIPER SHOT FROM A BLOCK AWAY? WE REALLY ONLY WANT TO HIT VITHAYA, AFTER ALL!

HITMAN

(firing all of the bullets, just all of them)

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF NICHOLAS WINDING REFN'S VIOLENCE-BONER!

VITHAYA manages to drop two of the hitmen, then beats the last one with a FRYING PAN.

HITMAN

Gah, fuck! When did you turn into an anime girlfriend?

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Talk, shitbird! Who ordered the hit on me!

HITMAN

Some mafia intermediary, an Australian douchebag named Byron Gibson, who's character's name is also Byron.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Creative. Alright, I forgive you. And by forgive, I mean

(sword)

INT. CLUB

VITHAYA confronts BYRON in a weird BROTHEL THING.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Alright buddy, let's make this quick and non-visceral.

BYRON GIBSON

Go fuck yourself, wanker.

VITHAYA takes some girl's HAIR NEEDLES and staples BYRON's arms to the couch with them.

BYRON GIBSON

GAAAAHHH WHY THE FUCK DID THAT CHICK HAVE RAZOR SHARP SOLID STEEL NEEDLES IN HER HAIR?!

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Seriously, who was it who told you to set up the least efficient hit in movie history?

BYRON GIBSON

Okay fine, her first name is Kristin. Happy?

VITHAYA takes some more NEEDLES out of a random flower vase and STABS THEM through BYRON'S LEGS.

BYRON GIBSON

GAAAAHHHH SERIOUSLY WHY ARE THERE SO MANY NEEDLES IN HERE IS THIS A SEWING CIRCLE OR SOMETHING?!!

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

You gonna talk yet?

BYRON GIBSON

Okay, her middle name is Scott. That should be plenty of info to help you out. Now can I please get to the doctor, or failing that, an acupuncturist?

VITHAYA takes a KNIFE out of a bowl of apples and CUTS BYRON'S EYE OUT.

BYRON GIBSON

GAAAAAHHHHHH SERIOUSLY THIS IS THE LEAST SAFE BROTHEL OF ALL TIME EVERYTHING IS DESIGNED TO KILL YOU!!!

VITHAYA PANRSINGARM

More names. Now.

BYRON GIBSON

Fuckin' alright already! Thomas! Kristin Scott Thomas!

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Thanks Byron, you've been great. Only one last thing.

VITHAYA grabs ANOTHER FUCKING NEEDLE out of a bowl of ice.

BYRON GIBSON

Oh come on, Vithaya! This is just-

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Pointless?

BYRON GIBSON

Oh fuck off.

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

Needless?

BYRON GIBSON

Just stab me already.

VITHAYA shoves the needle into BYRON'S EAR.

BYRON GIBSON

GAAAAHHHHHHHHHH I SWEAR TO GOD THERE'S MORE NEEDLES IN HERE THAN IN KEITH RICHARDS' TRASH CAN!!!

INT. THAI BOXING CLUB

RYAN is speaking to VITHAYA and his COP POSSE.

RYAN GOSLING

I felt it was about time for me to affect the plot of this movie in some tiny way so

(actual line)

Wanna fight?

VITHAYA drops RYAN like a BAD HABIT while composer CLIFF MARTINEZ fucks around with a Daft Punk keyboard.

RYAN GOSLING

I instantly regret everything about that decision.

RYAN then goes to VITHAYA'S HOUSE to wait for his FAMILY to come home.

HITMAN SIDEKICK

So which of us is gonna kill the daughter?

RYAN GOSLING

Aw fuck, there's a conscience-inducing plot complication child involved? Alright, I guess I have to kill you instead of her now.

HITMAN SIDEKICK

You'll let me kill the nanny first though, right?

RYAN GOSLING

Sure. What's one more dead, abused corpse of an innocent woman between friends?

RYAN kills the HITMAN SIDEKICK, leaving the bloodsoaked DAUGHTER with the CORPSE of HER NANNY and a HITMAN and a LIFETIME of THERAPY BILLS.

DAUGHTER

Seriously, dude, aren't you supposed to be a feminist or something?

MEANWHILE:

VITHAYA is confronting KRISTIN in her HOTEL ROOM.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

I really should have hired some bodyguards, or moved to a safer location, or bought a gun, or tried to work out a deal, or-

VITHAYA PANSRINGARM

(sword)

Later, RYAN comes by, cuts open his dead mother's STOMACH, and STICKS HIS FUCKING HAND INSIDE.

RYAN GOSLING

Love what you've done with the place, Mom.

He meets VITHAYA in a park, and lets him SWORD BOTH OF HIS ARMS OFF.

RYAN GOSLING

Truly justice has been served.

Then VITHAYA blows off some steam with KARAOKE. SERIOUSLY.

END

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Well that sucked ass.

FILM HIPSTER

No, see, it was all a big Oedipus story! There were hints of incest, dismemberment, patriarchal male roles-

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Okay fine, he's Oedipus. So where's the analogy to the Sphinx's riddle? Where's the father figure he destroys? And Byron was the one who actually lost his eyes. Does that mean Byron was really the Oedipus the whole time?

FILM HIPSTER

Uh, well, it's up to your interpretation...

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

By which you mean this movie cherry picks from the Oedipus myth whenever it's convenient while using none of its thematic resonance, and then abandons that framework for cheap gore just as quickly as it adopts it.

FILM HIPSTER

Alright, so it's a tad underwritten.

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Underwritten? Ryan Gosling has more lines in this Abridged Script than he does in the entire film. Yes, that is an actual factual statement.

FILM HIPSTER

You really took nothing away from that experience?

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Only that there are two kinds of shitty filmmaking: shit resulting from incompetence, and shit resulting from an auteur disappearing up his own ass.

FILM HIPSTER

Can you ever forgive me?

CASUAL MOVIEGOER

Of course I

(sword)

END