FADE IN:

EXT. DARKNESS

MICKEY ROURKE flies out of a CAR CRASH, apropos of nothing. He hits the ground, gargles some CEMENT, chews on a CACTUS, smokes FIFTY PACKS of CIGARS made out of TAR and WASP STINGERS, and sings some TOM WAITS KARAOKE. With his VOICE sufficiently GRAVELED, he begins to MONOLOGUE.

MICKEY ROURKE (V.O.)

I don't remember how I got here. Nor do I especially care. Nor does author Frank Miller, who seems pretty content on dropping me into other, more interesting storylines so I can punch the plot back into action with my ham-sized fists. That's the beginning, middle, and end of my character development in this movie. Because Frank Miller writes the way Michael Bay directs.

MICKEY recalls being in the STRIP CLUB from the first movie. He goes out back to find a bunch of TEENAGERS burning HOBOS alive.

MICKEY ROURKE

Typical kids. First it's all ice bucket challenges and the next thing you know, BAM! You're barbequing hobos for no goddam reason.

TEENAGER

Back off, jackass. Me and my droogs here are holy shit is that your actual face?

MICKEY ROURKE

No, my actual face is kind of like this one except doughier with less of a chin. So the same but way, way worse.

TEENAGER

I'm sorry I can't understand a goddam word you're saying under all those sasquatch mating sounds coming out of your mouth. You sound like a dinosaur in need of an emergency tracheotomy. I really don't think a healthy larynx could make those noises.

MICKEY ROURKE

I said leave that hobo alone or I'm going to punch you until something else happens.

TEENAGER

Really? Your entire character arc is going to start with you, a 300 pound Neanderthal, beating a bunch of wispy teenagers to death?

MICKEY ROURKE

Luckily Frank Miller has written you to be so completely and cartoonishly unsympathetic that all of this child murder will feel completely justified.

TEENAGER

But why? Why not start with you beating up some mob hitmen? Or breaking up a mugging? Or kicking ass in some underground boxing ring? You know, something that could actually pose a threat or establish you as a badass?

MICKEY ROURKE

Your generation made Occupy Wallstreet a thing, and in the Millerverse there can be no greater crime. Also I've already tied two of your friends into pretzels so you should probably get running.

The TEENAGERS flee in their CLOCKWORK ORANGEMOBILE. MICKEY steals a POLICE CAR to pursue them, then CRASHES into them, because he is kind of an idiot.

MICKEY ROURKE (V.O.)

I don't remember how I got here. Nor do I - okay, wait, we're already back to this point? Well, that tantalizing mystery sure deserved a flashback to tell. Yep, nothing convoluted there.

MICKEY chases the remaining TEENS into his old neighborhood. He flashes some GANG SIGNS and invisible fairies kill the TEENS with ARROWS and NOOSES.

MICKEY ROURKE (V.O.)

And that's how I saved the city from five trust fund yuppies with exactly one gun and one can of lighter fluid between them, using only my hands, a police vehicle, and an invisible army of loyal inner-city archers who I will never mention again. So badass...

A TITLE SEQUENCE plays, giving the audience one last chance to LEAVE before the movie gets REALLY STUPID.

INT. STRIP CLUB

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT walks into the STRIP CLUB. Some WAITRESS speaks to him.

JULIA GARNER

greetings handsome man i am a woman in a frank miller movie would you like some sex?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Wow, you are just brimming with complex characterization, aren't you? Well, I'm a hotshot young gambler with the magical ability to never lose any game ever. I say this out loud but we still waste time watching me pull a slot machine lever fifty times.

JULIA GARNER

wow that is so awesome you are complex and badass when do we fuck?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Okay, I have to ask, are you a stripper or a waitress? Your costume and general demeanor are pretty in-betweeny.

JULIA GARNER

in the millerverse all women are both waitresses and strippers i will now blow you

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Eh, hold off. I want to play some poker first.

JOSEPH wins all the slot machine money and takes it to the POKER GAME in the back room. Evil Senator POWERS BOOTHE stares him down.

POWERS BOOTHE

So, you want to poker?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

I wish to poker, yes.

POWERS BOOTHE

You can't possibly poker hard enough to out-poker me. I poker harder than anyone else can poker.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

I can poker much harder than you can poker.

They POKER for a little bit. POWERS pokers very casually at first. JOSEPH pokers slightly harder.

POWERS BOOTHE

Son, let me tell you, if you out-poker me I'll maim or kill you and likely your blow up doll of a girlfriend there as well. I literally say this out loud. I'm a corrupt U.S. Senator threatening you to your face, here.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Pfft, what are you gonna to do me?

POWERS BOOTHE

All of the torture. Just, all of it. Have you seen my face? Have you heard my voice? I look like I drink kitten smoothies for breakfast. I sound like a voice over for a White Supremacist propaganda film.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Yeah, I noticed. I really hope you don't have a scene with Mickey Rourke. It's going to sound like a raccoon fight with all those grunts and growls. Your voice is like a cement mixer full of whiskey and glass.

POWERS BOOTHE

Exactly. I'm more cartoonishly evil than Sauron and Snidely Whiplash rolled into one, except with even less motivation than either of them. I'm half a heartbeat away from tying your girlfriend to some train tracks and everyone in this room is basically begging you not to provoke me. Plus, you've already got a big bag of money. Go buy a pile of hookers, invest in the stock market, do literally anything except piss off a powerful man who's just begging for an excuse to ruin your life.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

I think we should poker.

JOSEPH pokers POWERS and POWERS pokers JOSEPH. POWERS pokers HARD. JOSEPH pokers HARDER. Then POWERS pokers HARDER than anyone's ever pokered before. Then JOSEPH pokers even HARDERER. He WINS!

POWERS BOOTHE

Well that five minute sequence was even more boring than the entire middle hour of Casino Royale, but at least it's over. Enjoy your money, Joseph. I look forward to fucking up your life in about ten seconds.

JOSEPH blows all the money on his NON-SPEAKING FEMALE COUNTERPART.

POWERS BOOTHE

....eight....nine....ten! Alright, get him boys!

JOSEPH is dragged into POWERS' limo.

POWERS BOOTHE

Break his fingers with pliers!

They DO!

POWERS BOOTHE

Now, fuck up his handsome face!

They TRY!

POWERS BOOTHE

I said make him ugly!

HENCHMAN

We're beating him as hard as we can, sir. The handsome just won't come off.

POWERS BOOTHE

Eh, fuck it. Dump him on the side of the road.

They DO. POWERS gloats over JOSEPH.

POWERS BOOTHE

I ain't gonna kill you, boy. Just like how I didn't kill Bruce Willis in the last movie, thereby allowing him to go on to murder my son. Instead of doing that smart thing, I'm going to do a dumb thing and torture you by letting you live.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

How does that torture me? I mean, you just tortured me, leaving me alone after that just gives me time to heal and work on my next move.

POWERS BOOTHE

No, letting you go free is totally torture, somehow. Also, you're my illegitimate son. I just realized this right now. This will affect the story by

POWERS leaves.

EXT. ROOF

Private investigator Josh Brolin watches through a skylight as RAY LIOTTA cheats on his wife with SOME HOOKER.

HOOKER

greetings ray i am a prostitute you seem unstable but i shall still allow you to handcuff me to the bed

RAY LIOTTA

How very thoughtful of you. It makes killing you so much easier.

HOOKER

oh no help oh woe is me

JOSH BROLIN (V.O.)

I didn't sign up for this. I should just go home, collect my paycheck, and move on with my life. But on the other hand, that is fucking psychotic. Is this what passes for a moral quandary in the Millerverse? Whether or not I should let an innocent women die for no goddam reason?

JOSH performs a MARIO STOMP onto RAY.

HOOKER

thank you kind sir would you like a congratulatory fuck

JOSH BROLIN

I'm good.

HOOKER

what a gentleman

JOSH receives a call from his ex-girlfriend EVA GREEN.

EVA GREEN

Josh, I simply have to talk to you. As a matter of fact, as the first female character in this movie with half a personality, I demand it.

JOSH BROLIN

Half a personality is right, sister. Where should we meet?

EVA GREEN

Where the fuck do you think?

INT. THE SAME GODDAM STRIP CLUB

EVA GREEN

Listen, Josh, my husband is tormenting me. I need help. I'm trapped. Lost. I need a man to save me.

JOSH BROLIN

Or you could, I don't know, get divorced. Skip town. Call the cops. Get counseling.

EVA GREEN

Dammit, Josh, I'm a femme fatale. I need to appeal to your masculine protective instinct towards vulnerable women who'll likely reward you with sex.

JOSH BROLIN

Yeah, okay, but that trope was born in a time when women couldn't vote, much less achieve independence from abusive husbands. Assuming this movie takes place in the current century, you've got a couple better options for dealing with a shitty man than throwing yourself on another shitty man.

EVA GREEN

Nope. Literally my only assets in this situation are in my bra. I have no other skills, values, or abilities. Now save me and I'll let you touch them.

Just then, DENNIS HAYSBERT appears.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

'Scuse me, miss Green. Your shitty husband requires you back at home for your daily abuse.

EVA GREEN

Help me, Josh Brolin. You're my only hope.

JOSH goes to EVA's house and spies on her. She gets NAKED and swims in the pool, making a lot of PORN STAR POSES.

JOSH BROLIN

Well, with that act of spying I think we've officially approached Twilight on the Misogyny Scale, so it might be time to duck out.

Instead, JOSH is surprised by DENNIS. DENNIS beats JOSH like morning wood, then dumps him back at his place. EVA is waiting for him, sans CLOTHES.

EVA GREEN

Sorry about that little bit deception, Josh. I had to entrap you into watching me swim naked so Dennis could beat you up so I could come back here and get naked for you again. Now I'm going to entrap you further by offering to fuck you.

JOSH BROLIN

I was already pretty entrapped before you let the Allstate guy turn me into a Picasso painting. You really just added a step to this process.

EVA GREEN

Which I shall now further complicate with sex.

JOSH BROLIN

Hurr durr pretty bewbs.

They BANG.

EVA GREEN

Now that I've hypnotized you with my magic vagina, I'd like you to kill my husband.

JOSH BROLIN

Sure thing, babe.

Then DENNIS materializes in JOSH's apartment.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Are you sure I can't interest you in some life insurance?

JOSH BROLIN

I'm not sure why you'd-

DENNIS beats JOSH like a bowl of egg whites and takes EVA away.

INT. STRIP CLUB A-FUCKING-GAIN

JOSH speaks to MICKEY.

JOSH BROLIN

I need your help. My storyline has stalled.

MICKEY ROURKE

Mr. Hamfist to the rescue! Let's go punch people until they die.

JOSH BROLIN

You're very amenable to aiding a man you just met in casual murder.

MICKEY ROURKE

I can tell we're going to have a long and prosperous friendship.

JOSH BROLIN

Wait, what?

MICKEY ROURKE

Dude, you're playing Clive Owen's character from the first movie. We become bros in the future.

JOSH BROLIN

Holy shit, really?! I thought I was some other gravel-voiced pervert. In the Millerverse we're more interchangeable than fast food workers.

They go back to EVA's mansion. DENNIS confronts MICKEY.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Finally, a worthy-

DENNIS gets his ASS handed to him. MICKEY pulls DENNIS'S EYEBALL out.

MICKEY ROURKE

Are you in good hands?

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Oh fuck off.

Meanwhile, JOSH confronts EVA's husband, MARTIN CSOKAS.

MARTIN CSOKAS

So, you've broken into my home and mutilated my bodyguard at the behest of my philandering wife who you're aware is a pathological liar. Rather than explain how any of that is horribly, terribly wrong, I'll just slowly reach for this gun I have wayyyyy over-

JOSH kills MARTIN.

EVA GREEN

Thanks babe. There's no way I could have done that on my own, with this gun I am currently shooting you with. Or with my eight foot tall bodyguard who's pretty obviously been taking my orders this whole time.

JOSH escapes by GETING SHOT FIFTY TIMES and FALLING OUT A WINDOW. He goes to STRIPPERVILLE to get reconstructive surgery from his OTHER crazy ex-girlfriend, ROSARIO DAWSON.

INT. STRIPPERVILLE

JOSH BROLIN

So is this where I get the plastic surgery to turn into Clive Owen?

ROSARIO DAWSON

Who?

JOSH BROLIN

Clive Owen. The Oscar-nominated star of Closer, Inside Man, and Children of Men.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Pff, he's not famous anymore. And neither will you be if you keep churning out movies like this. Now, despite the fact that I hate you for unspecified reasons right now, I'm willing to lend you our stereotypical Asian stripper-ninja Jamie Chung for your assault on Eva's mansion.

JOSH BROLIN

No need, me and Mickey tore that place apart ten seconds ago by ourselves.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Take her anyway. This will alleviate any possible tension in the ensuing fight scene.

INT. MANSION

Meanwhile, a POINTLESS SUBPLOT from an earlier draft of the script reinserts itself into the movie, featuring detectives CHRISTOPHER MELONI and JEREMY PIVEN speaking to EVA.

EVA GREEN

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! My husband was murdered by a jealous ex-lover who broke into my house and slaughtered my employees! This is actually true, the fact that I encouraged him to do so really alleviates his guilt in no way. Boo-hoo!

CHRISTOPHER MELONI

Alright, ma'am. And you say this man is abusive and unbalanced?

EVA GREEN

Totes. He threatened to murder me. And he raped me.

CHRISTOPHER MELONI

Goddammit, can't I get one acting gig that doesn't revolve around sex crimes?! Alright, well, with that false rape accusation we've officially moved up to "Blurred Lines" on the Misogyny Scale so I think it's time I ducked out.

EVA GREEN

What if I fucked you first?

CHRISTOPHER MELONI

Well a-hey hey hey!

Vaginally-hypnotized CHRISTOPHER is confronted by JEREMY in the car.

JEREMY PIVEN

Christopher, you've been behaving really weird ever since that lady seduced you into believing something that you already believed. I worry this might affect your objectivity.

CHRISTOPHER MELONI

Nuh-uh.

JEREMY PIVEN

Yeah-huh.

CHRISTOPHER MELONI

NUH-UH!

JEREMY PIVEN

YEAH-HUH!

CHRISTOPHER shoots JEREMY and then HIMSELF, thereby rendering this entire subplot POINTLESS, except for the fact that we got to watch JEREMY PIVEN die (thereby making it the best part of the MOVIE).

INT. MANSION

JOSH has "disguised" himself as a HITMAN working for EVA. He goes to the MANSION where he is confronted by DENNIS.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Sup, Josh.

JOSH BROLIN

What! How did you know it was me?!

DENNIS HAYSBERT

You look EXACTLY the same. Your "disguise" is slightly longer hair. You're worse at planning an infiltration than a Tarantino character. Now come, Eva needs yet another nude scene.

Sure enough, EVA is lounging naked in a HOT TUB.

JOSH BROLIN (V.O.)

(actual line)

The bathing thing was never about bathing with her. It was theater. Or retail. You can't make a sale without showing the goods.

(pause)

Wow. Wow. Did I seriously just say that? Jesus Christ, we're getting close to Ann Coulter on the Misogyny Scale here. This sounds like a Men's Rights Activist's poetry slam. Is this movie based on Eric Robert's LiveJournal or something?

EVA GREEN

So. Josh. You came back to try to murder me. How completely unsurprising.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

And now I shall kill him.

EVA GREEN

No.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Why the flying fuck not?

EVA GREEN

I have no idea. I don't even offer a plausible excuse. Let's all just sit here until something happens.

SOMETHING HAPPENS in the form of JAMIE CHUNG swooping in and swording LITERALLY EVERYONE to DEATH with NO EFFORT. ROSARIO DAWSON also pulls a BOMB out of her ASS, killing like TWO GUYS. Using this distraction, JOSH pulls out his TRAVIS BICKLE-style SLEEVE GUN and shoots DENNIS six times.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Dude. I'm about twelve feet tall and I'm five feet in front of you and you didn't hit anything important.

JOSH BROLIN

I'm leaving you alive for so you can transform into Michael Clarke Duncan later on, then go around fucking up my shit when I transform into Clive Owen.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Ah, very well. In another life, then.

DENNIS gets knocked into the HOT TUB, because SIX BULLETS couldn't do shit but a DUNK IN WARM WATER is completely incapacitating.

Suddenly, EVA points a gun at JOSH.

EVA GREEN

And now, for about the fiftieth time this movie, I have a perfect opportunity to kill you.

(pause)

But I'd rather try to seduce you again instead.

JOSH BROLIN

You. Are. HOLDING. A. Gun. You have wanted me dead for a brief eternity of screen time. What possible reason do you have to fuck me right now?

EVA GREEN

i am a woman in a frank miller movie i exist only to make sex happen

JOSH shoots EVA.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

Battered, bruised, but still somehow devastatingly attractive JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT has stumbled his way into CHRISTOPHER LLOYD's illegal medical center.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Great Scott, you look like shit. Luckily I have advanced medical technology here, such as popsicle sticks to splint your fingers, as well as Frank Miller's lack of understanding how injuries work.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Thanks, Doc.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Fuck off.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT goes back to his apartment to find POWERS BOOTHE, some MOOKS, and a couple pieces of JULIA GARNER.

POWERS BOOTHE

That's right. I took time out of my night to track you down, disassemble that breathing sex doll you called a girlfriend, and gloat over your torment.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Okay, so this must be the torture you had planned for me earlier.

POWERS BOOTHE

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

So I guess you'll kill me now that you're bored of tormenting me.

POWERS BOOTHE

Yes. Except no.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

WHY DOES NO ONE BOTHER TO KILL THEIR ENEMIES WHEN IT'S ACTUALLY EXPEDIENT TO DO SO IN THIS MOVIE??

POWERS BOOTHE

I guess I'm going to torture you again. By letting you go. Again.

JOSEPH escapes and goes to a DINER.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

This is bullshit. I've lost my money, my shoes, my girlfriend of two hours, and I'm riddled with serious injuries. How could things possibly get any worse?

LADY GAGA

Hey.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

OH SWEET JESUS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE?

LADY GAGA

I have no idea. I have zero acting talent. My role here is a sixty second cameo and I still manage to induce audience groans with my fake accent. Anyway here's a dollar.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Sweet! Magic gambling powers, activate!

JOSEPH wins ALL THE MONEY. He goes back to

INT. THE SAME FUCKING STRIP CLUB SERIOUSLY THIS MOVIE WAS FILMED ON GREEN SCREENS HOW HARD IS IT TO USE A DIFFERENT GODDAM BACKGROUND

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Sup dad. I've come back to poker some more.

POWERS BOOTHE

Okay, the first time it was stupid, this is just suicide. Go jump in front of a train and save us both the effort.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Nope. Poker. Now.

POWERS pokers HARD. JOSEPH does NOT poker back.

POWERS BOOTHE

Okay we're obviously building up to a last minute Hail Mary poker hand. Want to just skip to it?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Nope. Poker. Now.

POWERS pokers some MORE. JOSEPH doesn't poker AS MUCH. POWERS pokers EVEN MORE! JOSEPH fails his POKER CHECK! Then POWERS pokers ALL THE POKER JUST ALL OF IT. And JOSEPH BELIEVES IN THE HEART OF THE CARDS ENOUGH THAT HE OUTPOKERS POWERS.

POWERS BOOTHE

A royal flush? Really? The odds of that happening are 30,939 to one. It would have been more realistic if the ceiling had collapsed on me at just this moment.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Yeah, well, at least I finally beat you. Again. And now everyone at this table knows that I beat you twice. Because beating you once was just silly, but two beatings will shame you for all eternity. And these men won't ever mention this because they're terrified of you, or modify their behavior towards you in any way, and you're going to shoot me in about five seconds, keeping all of the money and rendering everything I've done in this movie pointless, but it was all worth it because I proved to a handful of corrupt strangers that my Senator dad was bad at cards twice.

POWERS BOOTHE

(shoots Joseph)

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Worth it.

INT. GUESS WHERE

JESSICA ALBA dances onstage while BRUCE WILLIS'S GHOST watches from the audience.

BRUCE WILLIS GHOST

Yeah, that's right, for the second time in my career I've been dead the whole time. So if it looks like I'm sleepwalking through this role, it's just because I'm a ghost, and not because I'm an incredibly lazy and overpriced actor. Anyway, I love Jessica or something. Please don't try to avenge me, Jess.

But JESSICA manages to pull some LEGITIMATE ACTING TALENT out of THIN AIR. She mopes around BACKSTAGE at the club, drinking and delivering some GENUINELY GOOD ACTING.

JESSICA ALBA

I love you, Bruce. I miss you. It's been who the fuck knows how long since the last movie, except that sometimes it's before the last movie, but I still pine after you every day.

(cries)

Okay, this is just fucking surreal. Where were all these acting chops in Fantastic Four? Or The Eye? Or Machete? Or Good Luck Chuck? Or Into The Blue? How the hell am I giving the best damn performance in this movie?

MICKEY ROURKE

That ain't saying much, babe.

JESSICA ALBA

Dammit, Mickey, I don't need you yet. I'm actually managing to carry this stupid plotline through the strength of my acting. Come back when the plot stalls and we need punches.

JESSICA channels all of her EMOTIONAL TRAUMA into some of the BEST STRIPPER DANCING EVER.

JESSICA ALBA

Okay, now I think I've finally worked up enough courage and blood alcohol content to finally kill Powers Boothe, who's been running an illegal poker game in the same building where I work.

BRUCE WILLIS GHOST

Whoa, wait, WHAT? WHAT?? The whole fucking reason I committed suicide in the last movie was so he couldn't find you! And he JUST SO HAPPENS to start up a poker game at your place of work!? And you spend your days dancing half naked ten feet away from him?!

JESSICA ALBA

Well, now I've missed my chance. I'm off to self-mutilate over my dead boyfriend because I can't bear to have any other man in the world look at my gorgeous body because I am utterly and completely devoted to him beyond all rational thought.

BRUCE WILLIS GHOST

Aaaand we have officially shot to the apex of the Misogyny Scale: Frank Miller levels of misogyny. Let's get this plot over with.

A now-scarred JESSICA summons MICKEY.

JESSICA ALBA

So, Mickey, you ready to do that thing you've done like eight times already?

MICKEY ROURKE

My hamfists ache for more plot development.

JESSICA and MICKEY assault POWERS' mansion. They slaughter MOOKS with zero effort or tension.

MICKEY ROURKE

Remind me again why we didn't do this years ago. These guards are about as effective at stopping us as a light breeze.

JESSICA ALBA

Well, Robert Rodriguez had to make a ton of Spy Kids and Machete tripe first. Nope, we couldn't have knocked this sequel out back in 2007 before Frank Miller lost his mind. Oh no, the world just couldn't wait for Planet Terror.

JESSICA makes her way to POWERS' office. He SHOOTS her and GLOATS instead of killing her.

POWERS BOOTHE

Blah blah blah blah power play, blah blah monologue, blah blah evil. And now I shall finally kill you.

BRUCE WILLIS GHOST

Not if I distract you by appearing in a mirror!

POWERS BOOTHE

Wait, you mean people CAN see you? How does that make any sense?

BRUCE WILLIS GHOST

Because no woman in the Millerverse can accomplish jack shit without male help. Now, Jessica, please avenge your man.

JESSICA shoots POWERS.

JESSICA ALBA

Finally, I have achieved peace. The last of my tormentors is dead, my years of torture at the hands of this man and his family are over. I'm finally free to be my own person. First I'm going to-

END